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Original poster

DH had sex with a prostitute

289 replies

TurkeyTrot · 21/08/2020 22:20

He seems to think that because he told me, apologized and didn't enjoy it much, it is somehow ok.
I think he's a massive twat and we need to split, but the logistics are complicated, as in we would need to give up the family home and decide where the DC (3 teenagers) would live and who with.
They don't know about it and DH doesn't want to separate.
WWYD if your DH told you that?
Would you split? Would you tell the teens why, so they didn't think you split for no reason?

OP posts:
Original poster
TurkeyTrot · 22/08/2020 11:45

So many replies! Just reading through and will reply to some posts.

As pp asked, it was quite recently (before lockdown, but this year). He is mid 50s and we have been married 20 years.

I have literally no idea why he told me. He claims it was 'eating him up' but really it just makes it my problem.

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 22/08/2020 11:46

He PLANNED to have sex with a prostitute. someone who ONLY slept with him because he was paying for it .. I mean thats pretty gross and i couldnt be with my husband if it was him because everytime i looked at him it would be with disgust.

How anyone could sleep with someone who didnt actually want to sleep with them is beyond me.

He showed such little respect for Woman in this scenario .. no respect for you and no respect for the woman he paid to sleep with.

Trust me LTB , if your kids ask then it was because he was unfaithful, they are old enough to know but i wouldnt share the details as its up to him if he wants the kids to know just how disgusting he is.

Original poster
TurkeyTrot · 22/08/2020 11:48

@Aquamarine1029

WWYD if your DH told you that?

I would be retaining a solicitor and he would be out on his arse. He thinks because he admitted it and he didn't enjoy it it can now be swept under the rug? Really? Come the fuck on. Don't allow him to make a mug out of you. The trust is gone, the respect is gone, the marriage is over.

Yes, you are right. However, as pp said, mentally I'm getting caught up in the house/kids thing.
OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 22/08/2020 11:52

@Dontfuckingsaycheese

To be honest i would say worse than affair because No feelings were involved which meant he didnt just fall for someone else unexpectantly he Planned to go and sleep with another woman who he had no feelings for just so he could...?? have sex? feel power? see what it was like? who knows but in an affair yes its bad very bad but a lot of the time its about emotions and feelings for another person.

Both are bad but in different ways, one is a low level of respect to woman in a im just going to do it because i want to kind of way
and one ( depending on the type of affair) is a low level of respect to his wife in a im in love with another woman and im so stupid to not see a way out of this so fuck it ill just shag 2 woman at the same time instead of leaving said wife or instead of getting the fuck out of this emotional affair before it even becomes something Physical.

Ones pure stupidity and ones just plain disrespectful and ... power gripping

Original poster
TurkeyTrot · 22/08/2020 11:53

@CountFosco

This is so far across the red line for me.

Sleeping with a prostitute is one of the worst things a man could do, it would tell me he had so little respect for all women that he think he can buy one. He is coercing consent from a woman that is either a modern day slave or a woman who has been exposed to abuse her entire life and so can't escape from it. It's rape by another name, the woman he slept with did not have the choice to refuse to sleep with him, she did not consent in a meaningful way. I couldn't pretend to your teenagers that it was a consensual relationship and I'd make clear that an affair would be heartbreaking but nowhere near as awful as what he did.

That's pretty much what I said when he told me. Buying someone's consent for £150 is a very low point. When he tried to justify, I challenged him to imagine saying it out loud to teen DD, or to his mum, or to his best female friend and imagine what they would say in response. Unlikely to be "good on you, mate".
OP posts:
Original poster
TurkeyTrot · 22/08/2020 11:54

@BlogTheBlogger

Well I certainly wouldnt be calling him Darling Husband Hmm
Good point.
OP posts:
Iwantacookie · 22/08/2020 11:59

OP now you've clarified it happened since you've been together leave him.
I wouldn't be the ones telling the dc about the prostitute but I would tell them he cheated.

Original poster
TurkeyTrot · 22/08/2020 12:01

@peteneras

Would it be any less painful for you if she wasn't a prostitute (say) another unattached or even a married woman?
Good question. I said when he told me that I'd rather it was a ONS with someone he knew and liked, where at least the sex would be meaningful.

It wouldn't really be better for me, but at least the sex would be fully consented.

OP posts:
TeetotalKoala · 22/08/2020 12:04

@Aquamarine1029

WWYD if your DH told you that?

I would be retaining a solicitor and he would be out on his arse. He thinks because he admitted it and he didn't enjoy it it can now be swept under the rug? Really? Come the fuck on. Don't allow him to make a mug out of you. The trust is gone, the respect is gone, the marriage is over.

I would do exactly this.

He didn't slip and fall in did he. He's sought her out and paid for it. That's planning and intent. Though my DH would be out if he slept with anyone else. Prostitute or otherwise.

HeavenlyEyes · 22/08/2020 12:05

I agree with Count - he is a vile specimen. I would also wonder how much he isn't telling you. Doubtful this is the first time and I am sure it will not be the last.

TeetotalKoala · 22/08/2020 12:06

Yes, you are right. However, as pp said, mentally I'm getting caught up in the house/kids thing.

Natural and understandable.

TeetotalKoala · 22/08/2020 12:09

@TurkeyTrot

So many replies! Just reading through and will reply to some posts.

As pp asked, it was quite recently (before lockdown, but this year). He is mid 50s and we have been married 20 years.

I have literally no idea why he told me. He claims it was 'eating him up' but really it just makes it my problem.

Exactly. He's trying to assuage his guilt. Telling you so that you can 'work through it together' and then it becomes your issue when you don't want to forgive and forget. Because 'he's trying'.
Tistheseason17 · 22/08/2020 12:09

OP - What are you going to do?

LazyDaisy10 · 22/08/2020 12:12

Leave him now. Your kids are teenagers so probably within the next 10 years will be moved out or getting on with their own lives. What will you do then? You'll be stuck with him and I'm pretty sure if hes paying prostitutes he will again. Might as well leave now and start a new life .

SoulofanAggron · 22/08/2020 12:13

@Dontfuckingsaycheese A prostitute would be worse for me because there's a cut and dried disgustingness to it. So many men are sleazy and seem obsessed with sex, and if I were OP this would put my husband in the sleazy camp in my mind and I would mistrust him, lose respect, and be repulsed.

Alfiemoon1 · 22/08/2020 12:39

So sorry op. If it was me I would be seeing a solicitor and he would be out. I wouldn’t tell dc about it being a prostitute just he had been unfaithful and get an sti check

MitziK · 22/08/2020 12:42

He'd be dead to me.

Developing feelings, getting drunk and being a twat, falling in love with somebody else - all inexcusable, but at least the other person actually consented.

But somebody who has to do it to get enough for their next hit, to pay their rent or because some bloke would beat her to death if she didn't?

The only way he would 'exist' is in the context of telling people why I'd kicked him out and cut him off. Including the teenagers, as it's important for them to know their father wasn't just lonely, feeling unloved or made a 'little' mistake in getting too close to somebody else - he knowingly and willingly participated in the commercial abuse and commodification of women's bodies.

SoulofanAggron · 22/08/2020 12:43

I agree with Count - he is a vile specimen. I would also wonder how much he isn't telling you. Doubtful this is the first time and I am sure it will not be the last.

@HeavenlyEyes Good point.

upupandaway87 · 22/08/2020 12:44

Oh my god op I would kick him to the curb 🤢

Original poster
TurkeyTrot · 22/08/2020 12:45

@Tistheseason17

OP - What are you going to do?
We have to split - staying together can't be an option. How and when is a bit trickier.....he's said many times in the past that he'd never leave the kids, but I am definitely not the one going anywhere.
OP posts:
2bazookas · 22/08/2020 12:53

"Only once" , I bet. Yeah right.
Only you can tell if your marriage/home life is worth keeping.
But if it isn't, bear in mind your teens will always have a relationship with him, and of course they identify themselves with him.

I would not tell teens (M or F) , just embarking on their own sex lives that their father sees women as tarts, pays for sex, etc because that may be harmful to their own self image and future relationships . I would just tell them your relationship broke down because he was seeing someone else.no details.

TheLetterZ · 22/08/2020 13:04

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet? If he refuses to move out then you might have to. Otherwise it can drag on for years.

Find somewhere to rent in same school catchment and then you and teens go.

I am in two minds about what to tell your kids. Just saying he had an affair seems too twee, I would probably say the truth ‘he used a prostiture, which as well as cheating shows a complete lack of respect for women and I can’t live with that.’ They need to know that it is not something to do with them and there is no hope of a reconciliation.

Heffalooomia · 22/08/2020 13:06

Tell him it's your turn now, you're going to have a look online for some hot sexy guys and have sex with them
(but you won't enjoy so it won't matter🙂)

Bekksy · 22/08/2020 13:15

I would make him tell the children why their lives are about to be turned upside down. That is not your job and he would tell them the truth.

goody2shooz · 22/08/2020 13:15

‘When he tried to justify’ - oh wow. Says it all really. Like virtually everyone else, this would be the end of the marriage for me. I’d be seeing a solicitor asap and getting my proverbial ducks lined up. I would never want my mother to sacrifice herself to a man like that on my behalf. Once the trust has been broken like this, most women with a healthy self respect would be unable to continue a relationship with a man like this. Tip of the iceberg springs to mind I’m afraid.