Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

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I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

In my experience , coming from an abusive upbringing ( seems normal to be treated crap) .
The abuse itself makes you believe you are no good and gives you very low self esteem .

You’ve got this the wrong way round, actual question is why do some men habitually beat women
Don’t victim blame, don’t make this ten woman problem
Place the blame where it should be and ask why do perpetrators of DV beat women and why do two women at week die as a result of DV

Didn’t click the link. Don’t like the mirror or it’s salacious tone

You’re asking the wrong question op.

You shouldn’t be asking “why do women put up with it”?

What you should be asking us

Why are some men violent bastards?
And why does society blame women when they are?

HTH

The woman was beaten to death with a paving stone by her ex partner. He did it in front of their children.
I think you're asking the wrong question.

I think it is a legitimate question. Women do stay. Why? Reasonable question with many possible responses.

Why do men abuse? Another legitimate question

Yes but the first question after a DV homicide isn’t to question what the woman did not do. That subtly infers and apportion blame to the woman...well why didn’t she
Wouldn’t have happened if she’d got out
Why did she stay

Because they have children together?
Because it doesn,t happen all the time so one makes excuses. (It,s just when there drunk, it,s just when this , that or the other/)
It becomes the norm?
Perhaps they know that it,s not always one sided?
There afraid to escape?

Why are some men violent bastards?

Came here to say this

I read that too. A really awful and shocking news story. I cannot understand how someone could be this violent towards another human being, in front of their children too. I really think understanding the perpetrator needs to be the focus. That said, I imagine she had become very dependent on him having had several children by him. Also she probably had no idea that the violence would ever escalate to the level that it eventually did. Awful :(

What had happened in their relationship, or her life, prior, that made her feel she had to/should stay?

What did she fear for her children, if she did not? Or for herself?

My cousin was shot to death by her partner, coming out from her therapist, for counselling about suffering DV. His defense was that if she hadn't left him, he wouldn't have had to shoot her.

Here's a few reasons

The emotional abuse tends to start long before the physical abuse.

Abused women tend to be conditioned to put up with it.

Your question is pretty victim blaming imo.

Those poor poor children. There are no words. RIP Crystal 💐

Why do women put up with it
Fear
Shame
Stigma
Self Blame
Low self esteem
Financial dependence eg he controls finances
No accommodation to go to
No money to get accommodation
Fear he’ll misrepresent her and keep the kids
Fear of upheaval and starting over in a new location eg get new school, new friends, move away from familiar set up
List goes on

Learned helplessness is a thing.

Read Amie's post, OP.

My DSis spent 20 years in an abusive relationship. Why? Possible sexual abuse as a child (she was my half-sister and spent some of her childhood living with her father rather than our mum, and as far as we could piece together something happened to her as a kid, but we never did get to the bottom of what actually happened) - whatever happened she had low self-esteem and was left with next to no boundaries when it came to recognising and saying no to male abuse. (That's not meant to be victim-blaming, just that CSA does leave you screwed up mentally over whether you're "allowed" to say no - the shark cage metaphor is one I find quite useful).

The slow drip-drip of him eroding her confidence via abuse (verbal, physical, sexual). Having children with him and worrying he might take the children. She managed a short escape about 10 years in, then got leaned on to go back to him whereupon he promptly got her pregnant again. External pressure including patriarchal religion (her church did the full on "marriage is sacred" crapola on her even though they knew he beat the shit out of her.)

Eventually he dumped her for a younger woman (literally turfed her out of the house in just the clothes she stood up in). That final year when she managed to get her own council flat, started writing and crafting again, seeing her youngest at the weekends, was one of the happiest of her life. Then she dropped dead of a heart attack aged 50.

@Windmillwhirl

I think it is a legitimate question. Women do stay. Why? Reasonable question with many possible responses.

Why do men abuse? Another legitimate question

Both legitimate questions, yes.

I've seen the question 'why do women stay in abusive relationships?' many times on MN. I don't recall seeing the other one asked very much at all.

I suspect it is because the victims of abuse generally blame themselves, even for years afterwards. Most of the time they are asking why. Not why does he do it, but what did I do to make him abuse me? What can I do to try and stop it from happening?

Sorry but why do men beat women? And why do we live in a society where it can be allowed to happen.
The answer to why women don’t leave is complex and until you’ve been there I’m not sure you understand and even then I’m not sure you do. I stayed because I thought it was my fault, that he would change, that I couldn’t do any better; that I wasn’t worth any better and because he wasn’t always abusive and I loved him when he wasn’t. It was realising he’d never change and that I was going to die either by his hand or my own that made me leave.

Because leaving is terrifying
Because in the short term, leaving is as or even more dangerous than staying.
Because society has never protected them, so why would they seek help?

Where should they go?

Seriously op, where should they go? I want to know? Then we can explain why that doesn't happen.

The words 'put up with' grates on me but that could just be me as I'm weird with words. I 'put up with' socks on the floor and car parts in the kitchen. I suffered domestic abuse. I did not 'put up with it'. 'Put up with' it suggests some kind of agency or freedom that I did not have because it was stolen from me.

Why do men abuse? Because they were abused, so a learnt behaviour. Because they have not learnt to deal with emotions, because they have been bought up in a patriachal society where they are the boss and feel that they need to be in control.
Because of mental health issues.
Because of substance issues.
Because others have excepted/put up with it.
Sometimes because the other will give as they get , so it can be justified in abusers eyes.

@Colourmeclear, very well said. Maybe we can start a movement "I didn't put up with it" as a response to society asking this question. 'Put up with it' assumes that both parties in the relationship are equals, instead of the actual gross power imbalance that really exists.

No I don,t think putting up with id does make it sound like there equals, but it doesn,t appreciate the difficulties it is to leave. I mean I think I wouldn,t put up with it, I would never get in that situation, but how many other peole said that then end up being trapped in abuse.

FEAR. When you try to get away, or stand up for yourself, it escalates. I didn't get violently raped until I tried to leave.

FEAR. They don't give up. Court orders mean nothing to them. You need one hell of a strong support system to get out safely,. By the point that you see the trap they have usually isolated you from family and friends; whilst charming other people when needed.

FEAR. Over time you lose any sense of who you are, you feel like such a failure that you feel dependent on them to function. you are terrified of not only doing it on your own, but doing it on your own with a lunatic stalking you. Its hard.

FEAR. Most perpetrators have a very nice side and a really nasty side. They continue in the relationship believing falsely that overall the nice guy is the real person, except for when stressed etc. They try to manage the situation to keep the peace. They only get out when they finally realise that the nasty guy is the only truth, the rest is an act. They mean you harm.