Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

[Guides009]

I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

You should be asking what got the woman to the point she was so low that she couldn't see it as abuse or didn't feel able to leave

Some people definitely get a nice high out of rage, aggressions, sadism, causing fear, physically attacking others though .. it's no coincidence men have (a lot) more testosterone and are more aggressive on average.

Gilbert: Wow, I think you managed to hit every single one of the "myths about abuse" in Lundy Bancroft's book there.

Thank you for coming up with a more succinct (and politer) response than I was capable of framing.

We have also modelled unhealthy, dysfunctional .. sometimes outright abusive relationships as romantic and sexy for hundreds of years now.

I don't think the slapping and shaking (and (and sexual coercion incidentally) of women by heros in films and TV stopped til the 80s or later (?)

It’s easier to blame the victim then look at the state of society. Society is no longer emotionally led and it’s led to an epidemic of no one really giving a shit anymore about anyone or anything. Destroy the world, who cares, destroy each other and animals, who cares. Society is so far removed from emotional connectivity and runs of power and control.

Jesus the comments...

To quote a great woman ... women really have no idea how much men hate them.

And OP your title is bullshit, she ended the relationship and he killed her.

To all the women/ men reading this in a relationship where you are being abused; the predicament you are in now is not your fault. You have not caused any of the abuse by staying. The only person to blame for abuse is the abuser.

I would hate for a thread like this to cause any guilt/ shame to someone who feels trapped.

Something that always strikes me is that these men people always seem to have self control when it comes to people who can defend themselves. People who are bigger, stronger, more important, more powerful. Funny that.

Funny how their ASD/depression/low self esteem/anger issues simply stop existing when around someone that could fuck them up. That's why I'm a fan of the 'put the fear of god into them' approach. Because it actually works.

I'll just pop these here;

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
www.docdroid.net/yrC8MoB/the-gift-of-fear-pdf

@Windmillwhirl

I think it is a legitimate question. Women do stay. Why? Reasonable question with many possible responses.

Why do men abuse? Another legitimate question

Yes exactly, both questions are legitimate ones to be asked. Exploring the question in and of itself is not "victim blaming". There are many women who would never tolerate domestic abuse yet there are some who do, even to the detriment of their own children even though mothers normally have the strongest of instincts to protect them and where there are options to leave the situation and protect themselves e.g. shelters.

shelters aren't always available and it is a huge deal to leave behind all of your friends and family, which you would need to do to stay truly safe.

Dragging the kids out of their schools, away from friends, with no money, no support.

Yes I guess it is so easy.

Ridiculous.

This thread shows exactly why women stay. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Maybe those fathers could possibly not murder those mothers.

All these women simply tolerating abuse as if they could plainly see it and label it.

I am outraged at the ignorance.

@Vodkacranberryplease

I get why some women can't and don't do anything - what I don't get is that if they have family and friends why they don't do something. Preferably the second it started.

Because if they're an adult, you can't force the person being abused to leave or remain in a safe place, no matter how heartbreaking it is. For many abused women, even if you do all you can to help them, they often return back to the abuser or refuse to call police/press charges etc.

@LilyWater

Because they are ashamed,because they have no support, because they have nowhere to go, because they have no way of supporting themselves, because they are terrified he will get access to the children or even custody and by staying they can protect the kids,because they are beaten and raped into submission, because they're afraid he'll kill them/the kids/their family, because they believe it's normal/what they deserve/what they're worth, because women are most at risk when they do try to leave, because of the cycle of abuse, because police,courts,family courts still don't take DV seriously,because they are isolated and under complete control.

The reasons are many and varied.

Lily water I know that, but they could make the abuser very frightened. This isn't about controlling the victim it's about controlling the abuser. Very different.

@Vodkacranberryplease

More to the point why don't we force abusive fathers/partner to move away? Why don't we make them fucking move and ban then ftom the whole county? Why the fuck should women run, with nothing, while the taxpayer pays for it all? The abusive fucking men should be footing the bill.

Agree with this completely. I do think though there's still a massive risk that the abusive man will secretly return against court orders and he will then know exactly where the woman is if she hasn't moved. If only we could put non-removable tracking devices on them and have a well resourced enough police force to monitor and enforce. Even better if they could be put in prison/house arrest for a substantial length of time.

There are loads of reasons why, but I don't understand why the question is being asked in regards to the victim instead of the abuser. Why do men abuse? No one wants to name the problem and DV continues to be a taboo subject. As strange as it may sound, because society doesn't talk about male violence (or when people do talk about, they're shut down and NAMALT gets thrown around) it took EastEnders and Coronation Street to open my eyes to the very sad reality a lot of women face. Fictional soap operas and reading things online educated me on this subject way more than anything else did.

Now that I know so many things regarding abuse, I highly doubt I'll bother being in a relationship with a man in the future. It's just too damn risky. Many times their true colours don't come out until you've married them or years down the line. I hope more women are waking up to the startling reality. Less victim blaming, more abuser shaming.

I stayed because the fucked up legal system in this country forces you to hand your kids over to their dad on alternate weekends, because contact at all cost/dads have rights blah blah, and I knew that I couldn't trust him with my kids when they were babies.

Exactly that happened, I left when they were 2&4, he took me to court, lied, court believed him, he has my kids alternate weekends. He admitted to being violent and regularly taking cocaine. He admitted to saying inappropriate things to the kids that he didn't think was inappropriate but now has an undertaking not to say these things again.

The kids are 3&5 now so I feel a bit safer that they won't starve to death or run away or something at their ages but the first weekend they came home in such a state the nursery raise a mash referral which was completely ignored by court - they said I was lying that the referral was even made - and al they do is eat shit and play mario kart. I have to bury my head in the sand about it or I'd go mad.

So until the legal system properly protects women and children, women will stay.

But absolutely, why do so many men abuse? And the ones I've known have had the full support of their parents too, why is that?? How have they raised monsters and are now completely oblivious to this fact or totally unwilling to address it? So many questions.

@Needtogetbackinthesack

I stayed because the fucked up legal system in this country forces you to hand your kids over to their dad on alternate weekends, because contact at all cost/dads have rights blah blah, and I knew that I couldn't trust him with my kids when they were babies.

Exactly that happened, I left when they were 2&4, he took me to court, lied, court believed him, he has my kids alternate weekends. He admitted to being violent and regularly taking cocaine. He admitted to saying inappropriate things to the kids that he didn't think was inappropriate but now has an undertaking not to say these things again.

The kids are 3&5 now so I feel a bit safer that they won't starve to death or run away or something at their ages but the first weekend they came home in such a state the nursery raise a mash referral which was completely ignored by court - they said I was lying that the referral was even made - and al they do is eat shit and play mario kart. I have to bury my head in the sand about it or I'd go mad.

So until the legal system properly protects women and children, women will stay.

But absolutely, why do so many men abuse? And the ones I've known have had the full support of their parents too, why is that?? How have they raised monsters and are now completely oblivious to this fact or totally unwilling to address it? So many questions.

Sorry to hear about your experience

To be honest those parents themselves are likely contributors to their sons becoming abusive e.g. through abusive/violent environment or on the other end of the spectrum being permissive parents as they grew up, enabling their sons to grow up feeling entitled, with not enough responsibilities and empathy for others.

Agree with this completely. I do think though there's still a massive risk that the abusive man will secretly return against court orders and he will then know exactly where the woman is if she hasn't moved. If only we could put non-removable tracking devices on them and have a well resourced enough police force to monitor and enforce. Even better if they could be put in prison/house arrest for a substantial length of time.

Pfft! If only!

Family courts sometimes won't even restrict access to documented,arrested,charged and convicted abusers. Because apparently just because he's violent to the mum, doesn't mean he's not a good father. Or the problem was the relationship with the woman ,not the relationship with the children.

• He was drinking too much and smoking synthetic marijuana, and quickly slipped back into old ways. Still, when it came to the children, Timothy was granted primary custody. Amber didn’t have a job or a driving licence, while Timothy had a hefty salary. He was able to take the kids to Disney World and for days out at the beach, and pay for childcare when he worked. It was decided it was in the children’s best interests to live with him.*

Those children are now dead.

In October 2018, two weeks before he was due to go to trial, Lloyd, 48, pleaded guilty to first-degree murder and waived his right to an appeal.
He also admitted that he’d coerced his daughter into helping him by threatening to take his life if she didn’t.
The prosecutor said Lloyd had strangled Michele then staged her death to look like a suicide – all so he didn’t have to pay Michele money, and to get custody of their youngest daughter.

• Following a row with his new girlfriend, Scott picked the children up from their mother in Southampton last August and vanished for two days. He drove to the Isle of Wight, Liverpool, Huddersfield and finally Barnsley. Then, during a psychotic explosion of anger, he attacked the children with a lump hammer. *

This is what needs talking about.

That men hurt,abuse and kill women and children. Regardless whether the women stay or not. They do it because they can. They keep doing it and nothing changes.
Male violence is the issue, not why the victim didn't leave sooner.

@ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble

THANK YOU

I honestly don't think I can put in to words the level of fear I suffered in the 7 years it took my ex to stop harassing me after I ended it.

He ignored the non molestation order, he followed me everywhere, he went throughmy rubbish bins and he violently raped me. The police said it was a Domestic matter.

I eventually managed to get "help" from children’s services, after he gave my 2 diabetic DC too much insulin, making them dangerously low. It took 3 years from that point to actually get rid of him.

We had to go through lots of assessments, including the children. The Psychiatrist report stated that he should never have unsupervised access, so as the most qualified assessor, I went with that assessment.

Despite my absolute refusal to allow unsupervised access, they still pressured me to allow access.

They stopped in the end when I told them that I was going to report them to the court as acting as his agent against the 3 page non molestation order.

It was hell. We are lucky to be alive.

He wasn't like it at the start, he was lovely funny, popular. I have an assertive job and I am not a wallflower by nature.

Please stop judging people and count your blessings if you have the social support network and other support to escape/avoid this.

Because no-one will help.

There are many women who would never tolerate domestic abuse yet there are some who do, even to the detriment of their own children even though mothers normally have the strongest of instincts to protect them and where there are options to leave the situation and protect themselves e.g. shelters.

When women leave, the family courts give access to their abusers, often 50/50. Did you know that? The court isn't even interested in hearing about abuse of the mother, unless witnessed by the children - and even then. The court also doesn't care about child abuse unless its truly extreme. They call it "different parenting styles" and hand the kids over to him. The family court has been known to give access to a father who raped some of the children - because he hadn't raped this child, it was deemed that "the child had a right to a relationship with their father". Which is really modern double speak which means that men have the right to access their kids no matter what.

When you're in the relationship it's all "leave, or you're a bad mother". As soon as you leave it's "give him unsupervised access (so he can abuse the kids), or you're a bad mother - and the kids will be taken away and placed with him permanently as the mother is "parentally alienating" (it's often the other way round - but women don't have superheroes climbing Big Ben for the cause).

It's the doing of the system, it's not the fault of the women clever enough to see how that fucked up system truly works - intentionally - to keep them trapped.