Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

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I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

The police told me to not hesitate to call them if he comes to my house. But who will save me from just going out and living my life, what will really stop him from coming for me. Staying in a way gives you some control, leaving leaves you 100% vulnerable.

@PicsInRed

Exactly, if the women can't or won't remove the children, social services need to step in and remove them. They would do much better with a family member/friend/other guardian who won't feel the pull to return the children to the abuser like the mother does.

Why not remove the men?

As per my previous post, that would be the preferred scenario. However women will often let these abusive men return to the house regardless or even ask the man to return.

The system isn't perfect but what else is there? There isn't a magic system women can just go and report abusers and get believed and get a free house and they make him stop.

If you aren't prepared to use the system then what else is there?

From my own experience, it was a mixture of fear and also an intense feeling that I thought was love that kept me with him for 10 years. When the relationship started, it was great, he was so caring and protective and he was my first love at age 16, but slowly he changed his behaviour and it became more controlling and dominant. It was subtle and I was inexperienced and thought it was because he loved me so much. Then the physical abuse started with pinning me by my throat to a wall and putting his face in mine to intimidate me. This left me shocked and confused but it wasn't enough for me to end it as when I wasn't with him I missed him and so the cycle went with the mental and physical abuse getting worse. By the time he was hitting me hard enough to leave marks, I was not in the right mind and just wanted to hide it from the world as I was ashamed and also still did not want to leave him as when he was being nice, I felt so happy. It takes time to build up the strength to leave and even then I left him about 10 times before it was over for good. I was able to do this when I had the support of my family around me and was doing a degree and knew that he would never change and could not let my kids grow up seeing this as normal. Everybody is different and they way they react to abuse is different, some will end it quickly and others will never leave, but as other posters have said, it is not our fault and we should not be shamed or made feel like bad mums if we stayed as the way the abuse played out psychologically brainwashed us into the cycle and it is really hard to break it.

Nice bit of victim blaming OP 🙄

@Dontknowwhyidoit don't feel bad, he followed a carefully trodden path of escalation designed to ensure he got away with it. Even the smartest and strongest women get caught out.

The police are starting to understand this process now. It's hard for the lay person. Add to that the fact that the abusers believe their own shit and are good liars it's not easy.

But you did it - that's what matters

I've seen the question 'why do women stay in abusive relationships?' many times on MN. I don't recall seeing the other one asked very much at all

Probably because if we think about the situation, we naturally consider it from the woman’s side. Because we as a class aren’t abusers and so can we really understand the reasons why men become violent?

You may as well ask why dogs bite.

@NiceGerbil

There was a woman who reported abuse including rape.

She was threatened by the family and withdrew her complaint.

She was convincted of 'falsely retracting' a rape accusation (note, he'd not been to court but somehow they decided he was guilty).

She went to prison.

Their children were placed by SS with the man.

Women do not get served well by the police. Many many stories about then turning up and sympathising with the man.

That case where they gave a man his keys back (or something like that) and he went home and murdered the woman

I mean there've been so many cases in the news where the police had totally mishandled DV cases and women have died. We probably don't hear about the ones who 'just' get a good beating, not so newsworthy.

I think saying oh why not report it is very naive.

So instead of reporting to police what do you then recommend?

Abused women don't need even more discouragement from contacting the police when the alternative is just continuing to put up with the abuse or circling round different organisations who can't fully help because the woman refuses to involve the police. Police bungle not just DV cases, but other crimes too. Do we all stop calling police for other crimes as a result? News articles will naturally not mention all the times when police get it right.

I didn't wonder why she stayed when I read the article, I wondered why he was let out of prison and why she wasn't better protected from him. They were living together even though they'd split up. She was calling the police, yet again, because he was drunk, loud and aggressive. She could obviously see where it was going as the police had been called out many times over their 18 year relationship

He’s also obviously a Maori, and that community has documented problems with domestic violence. One wonders if the authorities in NZ took it less seriously because of their ethnicity. Believe the same dynamic is at work in the Australian Aboriginal community

I think it’s such a complex issue and women stay for all sorts of reasons.
Despite working in DA for nearly close to 2 decades, I still find myself thinking the same thing with a small number of cases.
It’s usually the cases where he is known to have been convicted of DV, and a myriad of other offences, yet some women still chose to have the perp in their home with their children.
Usually there is some other complex needs involved with these cases though, Substance misuse, or already CP services in place.
IME, in a large number of cases, it doesn’t arise until the woman has had her first baby, and she is more vulnerable with her partner having a skewed amount of control over the finances and home.
Sometimes a woman has been treated like shit from birth, and the treatment she expects from others doesn’t magically change when she has her first relationship.
I think ‘working’ at a relationship is also rammed down women’s throats too much, and red flags can be overlooked until much too late.
Some women are terrified to leave, due to the perp then having unsupervised contact with their children.
I’m not sure the current models of DV are fit for purpose to be honest, and there needs to be much more emphasis on now getting through to our young people about healthy relationships.

My biggest advice to any DV victims reading this, is to trust your instincts and make a plan. Contact womens aid, look in to the Freedom Programme.

Lots of people will judge, but then you are used to that. Lots will tell you what you should of done, or should do, but they are not living your life and don't necessarily see that it is a life and death decision.

Connect with dv groups, grow your network. Have an escape bag.

For me, I called the police, they didn't arrest him because they didn't want to make my situation worse, as I was already in danger. So they left me and reported to SS. At that time SS did nothing as only I was raped. It didn't matter that he had pissed on his kids or cut himself in their beds. The school even commented that his rapist self was a better parent than my traumatized raped pregnant self.

So yeah, its easy to blame the woman.

Make a support network and tell the police, use the network to help you get out safely. Don't try doing this alone, it took me 7 years and I am still trying to recover from the trauma of SS involvement.

Other victims are out there, they will help you find support. They will help you be safe. We understand.

I’m not as glib to say it is easy to report - it is not.

DV is a unique crime because often the woman is codependent, beaten and finds it difficult to think of herself and her needs. That’s what an abusive man wants, a woman without her own mind.

But for your own sake, you must report. The authorities use reports, contact with the police, reports to doctors for child contact. It can mean the difference is made.

Women who are still thinking of the man first are not ready to leave. Mentally, the day when you put yourself first is the day you can report, pick up the phone, take some control. Yes it is frightening, and no, you do not get all you want straightaway. It is hard. Leaving an abusive man is hard. You have to want that more than the man.

Honestly it’s the last bit women struggle with. Giving up the relationship and looking clear eyed at a situation. When someone else reports, or notes DV, it does not mean she necessarily gets that moment.

@MangoFeverDream

I didn't wonder why she stayed when I read the article, I wondered why he was let out of prison and why she wasn't better protected from him. They were living together even though they'd split up. She was calling the police, yet again, because he was drunk, loud and aggressive. She could obviously see where it was going as the police had been called out many times over their 18 year relationship

He’s also obviously a Maori, and that community has documented problems with domestic violence. One wonders if the authorities in NZ took it less seriously because of their ethnicity. Believe the same dynamic is at work in the Australian Aboriginal community

Uh uh.

White Kiwis are also knocking 5 bells out of their wives. There's plenty of racism sure, but please don't mistake this for a "Maori issue". Its cultural - Kiwi cultural.

Domestic violence is a Kiwi issue (and, worldwide, a women's issue).

@MrsKeats

It's often the frog in the pan. It doesn't notice as the heat gets slowly turned up. Abuse creeps up on you and a lot of the time you blank out what happens to protect yourself. I agree that the real question is why do people abuse. I think it's because damaged people damage people.

Absolutely..... You accept the love you think you deserve

@SentientAndCognisant

You’ve got this the wrong way round, actual question is why do some men habitually beat women Don’t victim blame, don’t make this ten woman problem Place the blame where it should be and ask why do perpetrators of DV beat women and why do two women at week die as a result of DV

Didn’t click the link. Don’t like the mirror or it’s salacious tone

Exactly. I have been in an abusive relationship more than once. Bright, indep career attractive and yet I have been suckered into an abusive relationships. I hope my son won't be either abused or be abusive but it scares me.

And why the fuck do you only get 15 years? The children witnessed their mothers being murdered.

Lily my point is that saying worth just need to report is naive.

Yes there are other crimes they are very poor at addressing, the woeful situation with rape has been in the news a lot recently.

Funny how DV and rape are the ones they seem to really fuck up....

What I've found is that the police on the ground, the ones who see the end result, the ones who see the gruesome reality of what we fear will happen, they want to help. They're sympathetic. But their BOSSES - the one on high with no blood pools to step through - block it. They are the ones who say "take their phones", they are the ones saying "we need to charge a quota of female "abusers" we all know where that will lead and they are the ones responsible for the woeful record on DV, rape, murder and family annihilation.

Anyone else remember the woman charged by police for wasting police time - for having the temerity to report her ex who was stalking her incl. breaking into her home? She was afraid he would kill her. He murdered her soon after.

The irony is that she may have been alive today had she stayed with him. Isn't that perverse? He was out there in the world, plotting, raging, she no longer had the option to read his mood, to try to placate him, she waited at home, where he knew she lived, a place he'd broken into before, which she reported him for - resulting in HER BEING CHARGED FOR WASTING POLICE TIME. The system is set up to trap women.

And THAT'S why women stay.

Then they leave and they're murdered and people are like arrrgh why didnt she leave?! 😫 BUT she did, she did leave, the police/SS/family court/cafcass etc give no help, she was on her own, and that's why she's dead.

Yes I remember that case.

There have been so many. It's appalling.

@Chickenyhead, how did you/can anybody build a support network? Surely if you are being abused, people steer clear because you're not the kind of friend anybody wants to have?

@ollyandstacey
Other victims understand, the Freedom Programme understands, these people can direct you to services and help you to make a plan.

I mean you have to be underhand about it. Not explicitly say where you are going. Lie. Have Drs appointments, health visitor, mental health.

In the end it was my psychotherapist who insisted SS step in, it took 3 referrals. It took a lot for me to trust them again, but with the therapists help I did. Admittedly it wasn't a positive experience but it had a positive outcome.

If people avoid you because you are suffering DV, I would say that THEY are not the type of friends worth having personally. All human beings have struggles in life, it doesn't determine their liveability.

White Kiwis are also knocking 5 bells out of their wives. There's plenty of racism sure, but please don't mistake this for a "Maori issue". Its cultural - Kiwi cultural

Never said it was. But Maori women are much more likely to experience domestic violence, and there are some indications that it is not taken as seriously by the authorities.

In New Zealand, one in three women will experience violence in their lives, but research shows that figure is up to 80 percent for Māori women

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.rnz.co.nz/article/a3715055-ce53-4a49-91ad-47e321605b59

That’s a huge gap, and a shameful one for NZ.

What happens if you have no idea you are being abused. How do you go and get help then when you are living in the abusers world he has created intentionally to stop you from ever questioning what’s happening. Many victims simply take their own lives. I know I contemplated it many time’s because in this world he created I was simply faulty. Deeply complex issues. Upsets me when people say you need to stand up and get help because no one will help you. As if we don’t know that whilst standing on a different planet looking in. I knew nothing about abuse, police, social services. I’d never encountered anything like this before in my life

There should be lessons in schools to teach children about the dangers of relationships.

Thank you OP for the question, it's one I've pondered myself a number of times. And thank you for all those who answered, now I understand more. If you don't know anyone (knowingly) in this situation it is difficult to get, and as a mother of a teenage daughter I want to be vigilant. It's not victim blaming to ask the question, it's genuinely wanting to get it.