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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

405 replies

Guides009 · 16/08/2020 16:10

I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 16/08/2020 18:38

I imagine they're bloody terrified.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/08/2020 18:42

What I want to know is why don't other men stop them? Other men have the physical size and strength - where are the friends and brothers going around, beating the shit out of him and telling him if it ever happens again he will be dead?

I'm no chav. Far from it. I can't remember the last time I saw physical confrontation - but the way we deal with abusers is quite frankly weak. Why don't women put something in their drink and while they are out clean out the bank accounts, and set things up so these men are removed from the house and are terrified for their lives?

Oh I know. Because it's illegal. Why does no one understand that the way women follow the rules without question puts them at risk? We should not be ducking tolerating this. Running with just the clothes on our back because we are scared. They should be made to feel the pain and fear and to look over their shoulder.

These men are cowards. And because they have acted illegally and hid their actions are actually easy targets. But women are so conditioned to please, and to put up with things no one thinks there could be another way.

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/08/2020 18:44

I get why some women can't and don't do anything - what I don't get is that if they have family and friends why they don't do something. Preferably the second it started.

VettiyaIruken · 16/08/2020 18:45

Jesus Christ, that comment by truthherts.
I am speechless.

BertieBotts · 16/08/2020 18:53

Because as a society we do not want to recognise that men are dangerous and violent towards women as a class.

The lie is that men are safe and therefore we stay with them.

It's nuts. I know it and yet I am married, I live with a man, I trust him. But statistically he is the way I'm most likely to die over the next 30 years or so.

Orangecake123 · 16/08/2020 18:56

In my mother's case she had nowhere else to go. She had moved to a new country, didn't speak the language well and didn't have a job either.

MrsKeats · 16/08/2020 19:03

It's often the frog in the pan. It doesn't notice as the heat gets slowly turned up. Abuse creeps up on you and a lot of the time you blank out what happens to protect yourself.
I agree that the real question is why do people abuse. I think it's because damaged people damage people.

heartache590 · 16/08/2020 19:04

psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-distinguish-between-normal-marital-arguments-and-abuse/

I think this is your barrier. There is a spectrum, and that takes time to identify.

Telling you my ex choked me would cause most to say she was abusive.
Saying it was during childbirth would alter that perception.

It comes down to instilling resilience, strong boundaries and empowering women. At the same time, men need to have safe outlets for our 'macho' stereotypes and be educated that emotions are OK, but it is the way they are shown that could scare your partner.

heartache590 · 16/08/2020 19:19

This is also why i get flamed a lot as I dont see the intent there.

I remember interviewing a young married woman and her husband drove her there, sat in the car, and she had to leave at a certain time and she was like a mouse. That, to me, showed clear emotional abuse.

Heatherjayne1972 · 16/08/2020 19:22

It doesn’t begin with violence -
It begins with low level comments about the woman’s body - too fat /too thin /too plain big nose /bum /hair ,mocking, ‘suggestions’ about clothing choices Withholding money, demanding sex and expecting sexual practices she may feel unable to refuse, making it difficult to go out, to Work or have phone call and texts alone
And escalates from there
If a person was brought up in a home like that they believe it’s normal - don’t always realise it’s abuse
If a women is being hit by a man very often her self esteem was shattered way way before

NiceGerbil · 16/08/2020 19:31

OP the article says she had dumped him though.

PortugalPlace · 16/08/2020 19:36

I was in an abusive relationship. It was a tick box of an abusive relationship.
It was utterly horrific but what I didn't do is bring children into the equation and have kids with him.
I'll be flamed for daring to say you need to take responsibility but you do. You don't bring children into an already abusive situation or then go on and have more or/and bring in children from a previous relationship. My sympathy is lost at that point.
Yes I'll be flamed, of course because somehow women don't have any responsibility.
If you are an adult you don't expose kids to this.

PicsInRed · 16/08/2020 19:40

The domestic violence situation in NZ is extreme.

This woman was calling the police to take him away. He killed her for it right in front of the kids. That's why women stay.

userabcname · 16/08/2020 19:48

She wasn't putting up with it. She'd tried to leave many times and had broken up with him before he murdered her. It's very very difficult to leave a violent man without risking your life. The question is why the fuck is domestic abuse not taken more seriously and why are we still blaming women for men's actions?

DianasLasso · 16/08/2020 19:55

Portugal sorry that you suffered that.

However, the children aspect is more complex. Often abuse starts during the first pregnancy. And as for "bringing more children into the situation" often the woman doesn't have a choice due to marital rape and/or sabotaging contraceptive choices (this was certainly a part of my sister's experience).

plantlife · 16/08/2020 19:57

How do women leave if there's nowhere safe to leave to?
www.msn.com/en-gb/news/uknews/bad-housing-kills-how-coronavirus-overwhelmed-the-uks-most-overcrowded-community/ar-BB1817eg?li=BBoPWjQ&ocid=mailsignout

The link is an Independent article about dangerous slum housing - which is often all that's available to those on benefits or low incomes. Social housing is scarce in many areas leaving only private rent. Many women aren't working or part-time only because of childcare commitments, or in my case health conditions. Also, abusers often won't let us work. So we can't afford safe housing.

Women without children might not even get anything. The law is apparently changing but for now DV is not yet priority need in England (it's different in other parts of the UK). Refuges are only temporary. Where do women, especially those without children under 18, go after? DV victims without dependent children are sometimes placed in mixed sex hostels sharing facilities with violent ex offenders. Dangerous and inappropriate in itself but even more so during a pandemic. DV doesn't give immunity to coronavirus and some women will be high risk groups.

Traumatised women also need support. Services are very stretched and a postcode lottery. There's no national standard of help. Where I live it's a three week wait for a support worker. I tried to do it myself. Gave up in the end. Spoke to GP and asked for MH support. I was really struggling. There's a long waiting list. I approached local authority housing departments. Some did everything to immediately put me off. Put me on hold for ages, told me to call back to speak to someone else who was never there, passed me from pillar to post. Another one was initially nice but refused to let me apply unless I gave permission for them to contact the police to get evidence. I offered my own evidence but they insisted on police. I'm not mentally strong enough but also it wouldn't be safe for him to be arrested before I left. He'd be released after 12-24 hours and many abusers breach bail conditions. Anyway the police never saw my injuries so there's no proof from them.

There were two separate threads on Mumsnet about a month ago. Discussing private renting. Almost every landlord admitted they won't allow benefit tenants to live in their homes. Particularly without a guarantor. Rent is often higher than benefits nowadays. Which leaves only the slum housing (often in illegal state of disrepair). Gone are the days of a social security safety net.

Also refuges are often restricted for local residents only. Despite it being safer for some DV victims to move far away. I noticed the murder referred to in this thread, it was her expartner. I obviously don't know her situation but maybe she was encouraged to stay locally.

If you want women to leave abuse, campaign for safe housing for all, and well funded support services that provide the same level and standard of support nationally - no postcode restrictions.

PicsInRed · 16/08/2020 21:13

Despite it being safer for some DV victims to move far away. I noticed the murder referred to in this thread, it was herexpartner. I obviously don't know her situation but maybe she was encouraged to stay locally.

NZ is more restrictive as to how far mothers can move the children away from the father - which is difficult when family you might otherwise have fled to live far away. Family Court almost certainly would have required her to keep the kids in Hamilton - therefore her too.

Thelnebriati · 16/08/2020 21:34

How do we enable women to leave without fear, live in safety, and support themselves and their children?

Vodkacranberryplease · 16/08/2020 21:38

More to the point why don't we force abusive fathers/partner to move away? Why don't we make them fucking move and ban then ftom the whole county? Why the fuck should women run, with nothing, while the taxpayer pays for it all? The abusive fucking men should be footing the bill.

IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 16/08/2020 21:43

Because he might kill them if they do.

Thelnebriati · 16/08/2020 21:45

Because you end up sat there when he knows where you live and you're waiting for him to show up.

I hope one day they introduce a DV register (like the sex offenders register).

Fightingback16 · 16/08/2020 22:44

Because they have no idea

Fightingback16 · 16/08/2020 22:46

Pressed post too soon...

Because they have no idea what’s going on, because it’s a set up from the very beginning. Because they are living in an altered reality created by the abuser.

chickenyhead · 16/08/2020 22:54

@PortugalPlace

Victim blaming much?

If that rape Victim hadn't worn that short skirt...

I'm sorry but many don't realise that there is abuse, because this behaviour was normalised in their upbringing and society. It escalates after children are born and opportunities to escape dissolve.

By your reckoning I should have aborted by child who resulted from rape.

Your grasp on this subject is incredibly narrow minded and judgmental.

GilbertMarkham · 16/08/2020 22:59

Why do men abuse? Because they were abused, so a learnt behaviour. Because they have not learnt to deal with emotions, because they have been bought up in a patriachal society where they are the boss and feel that they need to be in control.
Because of mental health issues.
Because of substance issues.
Because others have excepted/put up with it.
Sometimes because the other will give as they get , so it can be justified in abusers eyes.

Wow, I think you managed to hit every single one of the "myths about abuse" in Lundy Bancroft's book there.

"they are the boss and feel that they need to be in control".

Probably the only correct one.

If people physically abused others due to substance abuse, my sisters would have been battering the shit out of their partners for the last twenty years ... Instead they just get giddy, silly, talk shite, sometimes argumentative and fall asleep. Bring drunkki or high though is a very nice excuse for doing what you want, and a very nice way of letting your inhibitions down to do what you want.

There are only two quite similar words that matter - power and control.

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