Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

405 replies

Guides009 · 16/08/2020 16:10

I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

OP posts:
Fightingback16 · 18/08/2020 21:18

I won’t stop. I’ve been down as far as a person can go.

PicsInRed · 18/08/2020 21:29

When I was there I had some control because he wanted to keep me there, he used restraint not to scare me off....now the mask has slipped and he doesn’t have to pretend to like me anymore, he knows I know who he is.

Very, very true.

PicsInRed · 18/08/2020 21:32

@Fightingback16

I won’t stop. I’ve been down as far as a person can go.
I know this sounds trite, but when it's all over, you will be able to to walk away from the wreckage, you can rebuild. Him though, he IS the wreckage, and he's stuck with himself forever.
Vodkacranberryplease · 18/08/2020 21:37

@Fightingback16

I won’t stop. I’ve been down as far as a person can go.
Damn right. You have nothing to lose now & that is power. Record fucking everything he says (CCTV above your door! Now! AND the perimeters of your house, dont worry they can be moved), & go to the police if he starts. The police love a bit of CCTV footage complete with threats. Let him rant just enough then call 999.

And yes, press charges if they are there to press. By saying he will go to jail he has unwittingly told you what he fears. Stupid cunt. Then hes in the system officially & every move he makes is more & more fucked.

Vodkacranberryplease · 18/08/2020 21:41

@PicsInRed I know this sounds trite, but when it's all over, you will be able to to walk away from the wreckage, you can rebuild. Him though, he IS the wreckage, and he's stuck with himself forever.
It does sound trite at first, this, but actually its really not. I think thats what really gets them - knowing they are just a freak everyone hates, including their own children. Knowing that they are being watched & their power is gone. And knowing its all their own fault (which I believe they do, underneath it all).

PicsInRed · 18/08/2020 21:48

knowing they are just a freak everyone hates, including their own children. Knowing that they are being watched & their power is gone. And knowing its all their own fault (which I believe they do, underneath it all).

Very likely, yes.

Fightingback16 · 18/08/2020 21:48

That’s what I think eventually leads to the downfall of the abuser. They get too cocky and they underestimate the will to survive. It’s just a truly awful journey getting to the end. I personally was faced with dying by my own hand because I was so far down I thought not being alive would benefit everyone or him killing me. I choose the little squishy arms of my 2 year old daughter who if I left her he would take her home to his own country, back to the ghetto and the family he grew up in that created him. I can’t stop for her.

anno12 · 19/08/2020 08:42

When we leave in most situations no matter the level of violence if you have children with the man he will get access

If you where with a man who would beat you senseless for not making your baby stop crying fast enough

Who would punch your head until you passed out while you breastfed your newborn as he wanted the baby down for you to cook for him

And when arrested for a serious incident when the baby was weeks old and the advice of every lawyer and social worker was he is still the day

Infact 1 solicitor said ' if he hurts or kills your baby then he will be charged but he hasn't yet so some level of contact is fair '

Would you leave ?! Britain does not protect women
In my case his next assault was so severe i did get away and we got no contact but most women who leave are forced to hand their children to visit these men and a abusive man is a abusive man he will hurt the children. I see to many women say these men still deserve to see their kids. They don't

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2020 14:01

@annabel85

Can we not centre women without the whole "It happens to men too" line, please?

The reason we centre women is because it happens way more to women than it does men.

Start a thread if you need to.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2020 14:09

@EvelynBeatrice

I hasten to add that this is in no way intended to be victim blaming. It is clear where the blame lies. I’m just interested in trying to understand what has happened mentally to some women and if and what in society is conditioning them to end up in this awful trap. Are women being set up from childhood to be vulnerable to abuse? “Be nice” etc messages.
I was emotionally abused and emotionally neglected as a child.

I was 15, he was 21.

I needed to be loved, and he offered that. No one stepped in and said "hey, you are too young" or urged any kid of caution. I have 4 adults around me, older siblings etc...no one pointed it out. I was left to my own devices with a person we didn't even know that well.

I had no one. He was my world. He knew it.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2020 14:10

I *had 4 adults...

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/08/2020 14:13

I’m just interested in trying to understand what has happened mentally to some women and if and what in society is conditioning them to end up in this awful trap.

I can always remember my mother telling me that if a boy was mean to me/pulled my hair/punched my arm, then it meant he loved me.

This was from as far back as I can remember, and I don't think its uncommon to say that.

Between that and certain films and books that are celebrated and mainstream, I think girls can get a very unhealthy view of what boys/men do because they love you.

That's before any potential childhood abuse is taken into account.

Its dripfed to us everywhere.

differentnameforthis · 19/08/2020 14:45

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

I’m just interested in trying to understand what has happened mentally to some women and if and what in society is conditioning them to end up in this awful trap.

I can always remember my mother telling me that if a boy was mean to me/pulled my hair/punched my arm, then it meant he loved me.

This was from as far back as I can remember, and I don't think its uncommon to say that.

Between that and certain films and books that are celebrated and mainstream, I think girls can get a very unhealthy view of what boys/men do because they love you.

That's before any potential childhood abuse is taken into account.

Its dripfed to us everywhere.

Yup...
plantlife · 19/08/2020 18:19

What in society is conditioning them to end up in this awful trap.
It's definitely not the only thing but a big factor in making it a trap is the removal (over the last 20 years by all governments) of the safety net. Benefits not enough to cover the basic essentials including food, and the barriers to safe housing. The almost complete lack of support for disabled people, and the lack of legal protection re child contact, which should only ever be supervised when there's been abuse towards mother and/or children.

Fightingback16 · 19/08/2020 18:47

I started a thread on this a while ago asking whats happening as people are not born abusive, sometimes they may have behaviour difficulties like antisocial behaviour disorder but mostly I think its learnt behaviour. I honestly feel parenting has a great deal of influence, but if you have parents who didn’t get a great upbringing themselves then it’s likely to continue. Staying in an abusive relationship so the children witness it is likely to continue a cycle, victim or abuser. The way society is set up, win or loose, rich or poor. Being rich and successful above everything else. Male dominance.

Fightingback16 · 19/08/2020 18:49

There is a saying that hurt people hurt, I’m not sure the amount of truth in this but it’s probably less likely that children brought up in safe and loving and respectful families are probably less likely to be abusive. Guess it depends on those parents values.

heartache590 · 19/08/2020 19:01

Throw in the other side on this. Left the ex. Solicitor enters the equation and we now have 150+ NFA reports with police and a serious allegation out of nowhere. The solicitor is male and clearly was going for legal aid.

I now have a very bitter ex and a child custody battle which I won today as she had literally no evidence.

Thats the other side of this. Solicitor walks away paid leaving a god awful mess and a 'bad luck love' attitude.

Britain and relationships are sick. DV should be on the curriculum.

heartache590 · 19/08/2020 19:03

Should add. The judge was female, a mother, and actually said this solicitor had hyped her up to the point she was reporting every text as harrassment.

PicsInRed · 19/08/2020 19:20

@heartache590

Should add. The judge was female, a mother, and actually said this solicitor had hyped her up to the point she was reporting every text as harrassment.
You mean texts you're sending your ex? What are you texting her about? If the relationship has broken down to this extent, you should be having as little communication as possible and only about essential matters relating directly to and only about the child.
LexMitior · 19/08/2020 19:33

@heartache590 - take it somewhere else. It’s not relevant to the thread, is it?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/08/2020 19:34

Throw in the other side on this.

What you have given isn't 'the other side of this'.

Its something completely different.

It's not helpful to come onto a thread asking why women put up with domestic abuse and declare that your ex is a liar and the court saw through her anyway because it was a solicitor that hyped her up.

Although I'm sure what you have been through isn't very nice, you should probably start your own thread to discuss those experiences rather than coming onto a domestic abuse thread and telling us about your ex allegedly lying.

chickenyhead · 19/08/2020 19:39

oh yuck

Fightingback16 · 19/08/2020 19:49

My husband would also come onto a thread like this and spout a load of shit about how I’ve made it all up, how I’ve made police reports that aren’t true. He tells me that someone is whispering lies into my ear, my lawyers are hyping it up for money. He said his lawyer has told him he is such a nice guy and they don’t know what’s wrong with his wife. There is always two sides to a story, one of them is normally someone saying the other is a liar. But this thread isn’t about that.

Vodkacranberryplease · 19/08/2020 19:53

@Fightingback16

My husband would also come onto a thread like this and spout a load of shit about how I’ve made it all up, how I’ve made police reports that aren’t true. He tells me that someone is whispering lies into my ear, my lawyers are hyping it up for money. He said his lawyer has told him he is such a nice guy and they don’t know what’s wrong with his wife. There is always two sides to a story, one of them is normally someone saying the other is a liar. But this thread isn’t about that.
Yep. Whenever I see a man saying this in an innappropriate place I always see it as a red flag. If you werent sending your ex shitty texts it wouldn t have happened.
DianasLasso · 19/08/2020 19:54

The mere act of a man coming onto a thread on domestic violence to say "but woe is me, what about men like me who get badly treated by the courts?" is a pretty good indicator that that man has, shall we say, a certain somewhat aggressive attitude to women's boundaries.

Sometimes posts come across as a genuine if misguided attempt to inject "balance" into a conversation. Other times they come across as an act of territorial lamp-post pissing.