Domestic Abuse - Why Do Women Put Up With It?

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I don't usually read the Mirror, this story of a mother of 8, has really made me upset.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/real-life-stories/mum-eight-beaten-death-paving-22504713?utm_source=mirror_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=EM_Mirror_Nletter_DailyNews_News_smallteaser_Image_Story&utm_campaign=daily_newsletter&ccid=397482

The amount of absolute victim blaming bollox on here is not surprising unfortunately.

Fucking sad though, that we are STILL blaming dead women for being killed.

@PortugalPlace but what I didn't do is bring children into the equation and have kids with him ... I'll be flamed for daring to say you need to take responsibility but you do. You don't bring children into an already abusive situation or then go on and have more or/and bring in children from a previous relationship. My sympathy is lost at that point.

You do know that the majority of abuse starts once the woman is pregnant/has the first baby, right?

Plantlife, that is exactly how it is.

God knows if anything will change. There is no care or support from anybody.

@plantlife that is precisely the problem, there is no bloody evidence and because there is none then there is no abuse and no one believes you. I would love for my husband to go to jail for the damage he did to me mentally. For leaving me C-ptsd, for almost having a psychotic break, for leaving me mental scars and memories so heavy I don’t really know what to do with them. But no, he is free to go and do this to another and is free if he pleases to destroy our daughters life. Disgusting!

Why are men so violent?

Same reason wars happen. Tribal territory, power, religion, culture and even love.

Look at nature and dont be so naive as to believe humanity is any better than apes. It doesnt mean DV is remotely acceptable, but it does mean it will always exist.

The way forward is outlets. There is virtually zero support available to a man who identifies he is treating his wife/kids poorly and tries to take action to change his behaviour. I think if DA charities did more to prevent abuse vs punishing the symptoms, the problem would reduce.

But it’s ok because “I put up with it” so it’s my problem.

It also happens to men. My now-DH was in an abusive marriage for 22 years. Bit by bit, she eroded his links with family and the outside world (other than work).

The abuse was a combination of psychological stuff and physical violence - I've seen the photographs of it and I've been personally threatened by this woman several times, so I know he's telling the truth.

His biggest problem was that they had three children together. If he threatened to leave, she would counter it with threats to drive her and the youngest child into a wall. Would you risk that? I don't think I would.

nice touch of victim blaming here, op.

The above is also why good men dont step in. There is nowhere to signpost them to.

They are just labelled an abuser and thats it. We may as well shoot them as diseased.

I think once a woman is in the category of needing help, she is beyond the pale, and no-one will do anything for her.

In case someone questions whether I'm telling the truth. I feel I need to fully explain about the difficulty in actually getting to a refuge. I think many people's experiences will be different. I don't have children (not by choice). I think children's services will help with transport when there's children (under 18). Also being totally honest I was given an option of something - just not a safe one. The place that shrugged about my issues told me my only option was to call the police. Aside from me not being strong enough mentally for that (he's already successfully portrayed me as 'mental' to mutual friends, his family, and the police). The main issue is if I'm physically or financially unable to get to a refuge, then yes the police will take me somewhere, but in an emergency it would likely be a dangerous shared facility hostel. Often mixed sex. The same hostels where violent men released on bail are often put up. I've been accused of being too picky but I can't understand how anyone can truly believe that is in any way safer. It's not. Even before the pandemic. Now it's even more dangerous especially for those of us in poor health.

Basically support in the UK is a postcode lottery. I've experienced great kindness from DV services out of my area so yes good support does exist but it's not accessible to everyone. Even within areas there's often excluding criteria. Where I live I've been referred to various places but all are set up for specific groups only. Particular ethnicity or age. I think it's brilliant different groups who might need additional support get it but this should be as well as support for everyone else. There's also pretty much no specialised support for disabled women. You'll be referred to a charity based in London - but they actually only help one particular disability and only women in several boroughs so not even London wide). There's nothing else. A recent WA report also pointed out there's no services for older women, who are on different life stages and have very different needs (i.e. more likely to have health issues).

I know it might annoy people when I post about all this but I don't think I'm ever going to get through this, certainly not ever be able to rebuild my life and live safely. It's too late for me. So I'm talking out as much as possible to try to make things better for future women.

If anyone doesn't believe me or does and wants to know more, look on WA website. They have a recent report about some of these issues. The shortage of refuge spaces, the localism problem with support and refuge space, the housing issues.
It will never ever get better if it's not known about or a knowledged.

@MrsBobDylan

As pointed out by pp, it is horrific that the children weren't removed. Their whole lives spent in terror and now seeing their mother beaten to death, something which will traumatise them for the rest of their lives.

As someone who grew up with DV, I would say there is often an element of co-dependency in these types of relationships. It is grotesque but the drama and attention that violence brings is sometimes the thing that bind a victim and abuser together. It is such a madly complicated area.

I wish SS would remove more children in these situations.

Exactly, if the women can't or won't remove the children, social services need to step in and remove them. They would do much better with a family member/friend/other guardian who won't feel the pull to return the children to the abuser like the mother does. With mum of course able to visit as much as she wants and hopefully in time leave the abuser herself. I really feel for these women and it's not their fault that the abuse is happening but it's simply and utterly unfair for children to suffer this and have their lives blighted forever.

What I've also seen happen is that during the time that the abuse/violence is occurring, women don't notify police or if police come, perhaps due to someone else calling them out of concern, deny anything happened/refuse to press charges. Therefore they shoot themselves (and their kids) in the foot when it later comes to leaving because then there's no record of domestic violence. So if she later suddenly reports it when there's a separation, it can look like she's making it up purely to be vindictive and keep the kids away from the dad.

@plantlife I so wish you could get out of there and use all your experience to help others and not have to waste your amazing energy on looking at your back!

Because they beg and beg
They treathen to deform your child
They say they will kill them selves and put your name on the suicide note
They claim no one will believe you
They get you preg so leaving becomes so hard
They are nice 50/60% if the time
Trauma bonding

Many reasons

I hate smug people who say
Why can't they just leave
It's fcking awful that's WHY

I'm really don't want to put people off getting support. It's really difficult because I don't want to do that so sometimes think I should shut up. But then nothing will ever get better. I really want to emphasise there is some good support out there. I've had some wonderfully kind people who really are amazing. They were in different areas than me so not funded to give me support worker but their kindness helped me deal with some very distressing situations. So I hope victims know it's not always a bad experience. I like to think the bad experiences me and some others on here have experienced are minority but obviously it's vital to speak about it so every victim can access proper help regardless of which council area they live in. Unfortunately in some areas, like mine, it's true about authorities seeming not to care. I've outright begged for help. No-one seems remotely bothered. I've admitted how I'm falling apart mentally. Can't even the the bins out. Managed a month ago and now struggling again. I'm struggling to cope. Not sleeping, staying awake all night, vomitting from stress. Just met with a kind of shrug and a phone number for a MH counselling with long waiting list. That will be after my chance to leave has gone.

I feel I need to be honest. I'm so sorry you're struggling with evidence @Fightingback16 I feel bad because the truth is I do have evidence, I think. My own evidence - recordings and messages and photos. There's also witnessed although I don't know if they'd want to get involved with giving statements. My issue is I truly am not strong enough. I'm also terrified. He's threatened to plead guilty but destroy me and to be honest he sort of already has. He's actually faked injuries and I'm sure he's told his friends and families I did it. I think I've got enough proof of the reality but I truly can't go through any more and certainly not a smear filled court case.

He'd also likely get a suspended sentence so free to try and find and hurt me. So I want to leave without police involvement. That's the thing. I don't think the mental damage is taken seriously enough. PTSD or similar is dismissed. I've been physically injured quite badly but the mental damage is what I think I'll never recover from. Yes and also they end up free to continue normal full lives whilst we're the ones living like criminals. No proper safe housing, financial struggles, isolation. They have normal homies, jobs, friends, full normal lives. I don't actually want my partner to suffer. I can't help it. I just don't want to suffer either.

Sorry for writing so much. I just know people will question why I don't just go to the police.

Anyway my own evidence seems irrelevant to the local authority I approached for housing. They didn't want to know when I mentioned it. Just kept insisting on my consent to contact the police and refusing to promise to stick to confidentiality. I don't have children so as no children are at risk, I should be allowed not to report it. I don't think women should be forced to go through that just to be safe. Even with children, there should be support to leave without being forced to go to police. I understand if the victim is too traumatised and scared to leave, if children are also at risk, police might be needed, but then again if there was better support and safe housing options probably more women would feel able to leave.

I can only speak from my perspective but I 'put up with it' because the abuse was worse if I told him to go. The fear of him ringing, turning up at the house a million times more angry was worse than 'putting up with it'

Because there is nowhere to go, only the streets. You have no support, no money, no job, no family or friends who can help. Nowhere/no-one to keep your beloved pets safe if you leave.
Refuge space hard to come by and even then only temporary, especially if no DC involved.

Even if you could leave, he's always home anyway and moving out while he's there would be impossible.

@LilyWater
The NZ mother had left him. It seems she was forced by NZ law to remain living near him. She wasn't allowed to be safe.

We don't tell the police because when the abuser is arrested he's released after 12-24 hours. Many many of them ignore bail conditions. It's well known and mentioned in many criminal justice, dv, etc reports.
So it's often dangerous to tell the police. They're even more angry after being arrested. There's a lot of pressure on women to stay in the local area, which makes them a target. Lots of refuges have only very limited funding or space for non locals.

Even if someone does press charges, very often they get at most a suspended sentence. They are free to keep being a danger. Meanwhile the victim's completely destroyed. Had her mental health (a mess because of abuse) dragged through the mud in court (as he threatens to do to me), left with no safe home or money, often no job, poor mental and physical health, mo friends, complete isolation, and often very little support from underfunded services.

Lots of mothers have also explained the difficulties they've faced in protecting their children after separation.

People refusing to accept or believe the barriers and issues to leaving keep those barriers up. It's only going to change if it's acknowledged.

@Fightingback16 thank you. I'm trying to gather the strength to try again. Again. It's so hard without much support. It doesn't help that even if I manage to make the various calls, some things like dealing with local authority housing departments often really need an advocate, just for it all to be taken seriously. They don't always do that if it's send reported.

I really hope things finally get better for you too. You've already done so much and so well.

As Lilywater says What I've also seen happen is that during the time that the abuse/violence is occurring, women don't notify police or if police come, perhaps due to someone else calling them out of concern, deny anything happened/refuse to press charges. Therefore they shoot themselves (and their kids) in the foot when it later comes to leaving because then there's no record of domestic violence. So if she later suddenly reports it when there's a separation, it can look like she's making it up purely to be vindictive and keep the kids away from the dad.

Going to the police & pressing charges is about much more than just sending him to prison (which probably wont happen). Its about having a record for the courts, & so you can set up non molestation orders, & move away. Its about Clares law & stopping him from taking the kids outr of the country, picking themm up from school etc.

Otherwise they lie & make up their own abuse claims (very common for a man to say hes the victim when hes the perpetrator) & no one knows who to believe. The police are well aware of violent men making stuff up. But the council etc NEED this box ticked. They can not support you just on your word.

Its no more dangerous than leaving. The abuser is already angry - but he knows that the police know about him. Go. To. The. Police. And press charges.

Exactly, if the women can't or won't remove the children, social services need to step in and remove them. They would do much better with a family member/friend/other guardian who won't feel the pull to return the children to the abuser like the mother does.

Why not remove the men?

@Vodkacranberryplease - absolutely right. Women need to report DV to the police. That record is required to access further help. If you don’t do that, no, you don’t get the support.

If you are not prepared to do that, the authorities cannot distinguish you from the next person who comes in, looking for housing. If you can’t, the man who is abusing you will just keep on at you. Keeping your mouth shut, not pressing charges?

That suits everyone except the person abused. You have to speak.

That kind of comment is of the same kind of lines as why don’t women leave. You can’t report something you don’t know is happening, ie emotional abuse. When you are being abused your are living in a totally different reality to “normal” people. In this reality things work very different to what seems rational.

@Fightingback16 but you can report something you do know is happening, and you know is illegal, and you have some proof of. You can press charges so that he has less chance of hurting others.

Life is hard. This shit is hard. But the magic prince won't rescue us because he knows by telepathy that we are hurting. If we want housing and help we have to do the things they want - that means getting some basic things done. It means putting what we think aside just for a moment and following the advice of experts.

I've seen women on here who are doormats. Abused and beaten down. And yet they find the strength to stand up to the people who tell them to go to the police etc. If only they used that strength against their real enemy.

It’s very difficult especially if you have learned helplessness like myself from my parents. I didn’t leave in any real spectacular display of strength against my abuser. I had a breakdown and crawled out the door because I wanted to set my husband free of me.

There was a woman who reported abuse including rape.

She was threatened by the family and withdrew her complaint.

She was convincted of 'falsely retracting' a rape accusation (note, he'd not been to court but somehow they decided he was guilty).

She went to prison.

Their children were placed by SS with the man.

Women do not get served well by the police. Many many stories about then turning up and sympathising with the man.

That case where they gave a man his keys back (or something like that) and he went home and murdered the woman

I mean there've been so many cases in the news where the police had totally mishandled DV cases and women have died. We probably don't hear about the ones who 'just' get a good beating, not so newsworthy.

I think saying oh why not report it is very naive.

@Vodkacranberryplease

As Lilywater says What I've also seen happen is that during the time that the abuse/violence is occurring, women don't notify police or if police come, perhaps due to someone else calling them out of concern, deny anything happened/refuse to press charges. Therefore they shoot themselves (and their kids) in the foot when it later comes to leaving because then there's no record of domestic violence. So if she later suddenly reports it when there's a separation, it can look like she's making it up purely to be vindictive and keep the kids away from the dad.

Going to the police & pressing charges is about much more than just sending him to prison (which probably wont happen). Its about having a record for the courts, & so you can set up non molestation orders, & move away. Its about Clares law & stopping him from taking the kids outr of the country, picking themm up from school etc.

Otherwise they lie & make up their own abuse claims (very common for a man to say hes the victim when hes the perpetrator) & no one knows who to believe. The police are well aware of violent men making stuff up. But the council etc NEED this box ticked. They can not support you just on your word.

Its no more dangerous than leaving. The abuser is already angry - but he knows that the police know about him. Go. To. The. Police. And press charges.

This 1000%. I grew up myself in an abusive household. I get the fear and I understand we have a long way to go to improve our support system but a lot of these very services are undermined by women who shield the abuser. How on earth can people help you properly if you refuse to tell the police, to report and to follow through with pressing charges?? A previous poster has given her sad story about violence escalating, however when a neighbour stepped in and did the right thing by wanting to report to police, she refused to get police involved there and then. This was the golden opportunity where it would've not only been on record when the incident occurred but a third party was there as a witness! She could also then have raised with police her disability concerns which make her more vulnerable and in need of additional support. My heart goes out to her but the rest of her story and subsequent dealings with the councils and the police would have been substantially different if she had done this. And you also can't expect councils not report to police if they have serious concerns when the whole reason they're doing it is to try to protect you...

The abuser will be angry no matter what you do, that's why he's an abuser in the first place. In non-abusive households it IS better for the children to continue to have their father as part of their lives after a separation. Therefore a court can't enact protective actions for women and children solely based on the woman's word. It's so so frustrating and heartbreaking as it happens time and time again. Please involve police ASAP and press charges so there's a record.