Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

The mortgage might be problematic. If you can’t afford it on your own it is in his interests to keep paying so you don’t get arrears. Moving on will be difficult with defaults on your credit record. Do discuss this with him if you can - make it a priority between you to get it paid and moving forwards will be easier. As a warning, I am from the north west but was living in the south east when my ex walked out. He was scared of me taking the children but I assured him long term, I wanted to stay put. He behaved very badly financially - still not had a penny 10 years later - and the house was repossessed whilst he was off holidaying with the ow and our son lost his private school place when he refused to pay the fees. Needless to say, when he mounted court action to try and stop me moving back to family where I had support and could work to support our children, the courts quite literally waved me off. I am still bitter about it today - it shouldn’t have had to happen. We could have co-parented perfectly well and there was sufficient money before the defaulting for both of us to live a downgraded but pleasant enough life.

It is crucial that your husband understands that you both need to be able to move on and silly point scoring won’t help. Should another woman crawl out the woodwork it might get messy so have this conversation as soon as you can. It is important.

The problem is that conversations are not binding. He may well agree to an arrangement atm. He can change his mind at any point.

He is ahead of you remember. Both emotionally, having checked out and practically.

@Dery

“You shouldn't have said you don't love him anymore Tell them the truth that their dad wants to leave the family home Why are you taking the blame?”

This also bothered me though I can see other PP saying it’s better for the DCs to keep it completely neutral and they’re probably right. But still it doesn’t seem quite right or fair - it seems cowardly on his part, like he’s already trying to write a script where this is what you both wanted. But of course keeping things as amicable as possible for your DCs is the priority.

This made me sad too!!

@Qwincy

Does he have to contribute anything to the mortgage? Or does he just pay child maintenance?

You really need to start reading up or see a solicitor !

I would also agree to seeing a lawyer ASAP : get an appointment made for Monday ( or soon as) to get some proper help.
Mumsnet is brill for the emotional side of things but each case is individual as to how much he will have to pay out for and how you stand in the eyes of the law as well. Your lawyer can start putting things in writing to him then : it will be more than just 'his word 'which is worth nothing really and can change in a heartbeat especially if there is another woman in the background.
It's true , his ahead of the game now and your a bit on the back foot. This isn't a good place to be.
It's so sad when marriages break down , but with the right help and support you'll get there.

Day 3 almost over.
We’re meeting to discuss finances tomorrow and from that I will meet with a solicitor for the free consultation first - once I have facts and figures- and get more detailed confirmation of what I should be receiving
Thank you all once more xx

@Qwincy

I am currently going through this and I’m so sorry x

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but just to say look after yourself please 💐

God please see a lawyer before you talk finances. Please, it’s a mistake not to. If you must, make no commitments.

Remember, you will be on your own and so will he. He will he thinking of himself. You need to be thinking of yourself too.

Second @LexMitiorx above. Don't commit to anything at all without legal advice. If anything, just ask what his ideas are and say you'll need to think it all over.

I agree! Lawyer first. Tell him you’re not up to it at the moment. Tell him you’re far too emotional and it could get ugly and you want to save him from that at the moment. (He will run a mile.)

Thank you everyone, I won’t commit to anything today.
Seeking legal advice next week

It’s not about agreeing anything now regarding an ultimate settlement
You need to discuss finances in the interim until a settlement is reached. That’s where your focus should be. Is making sure the mortgage and bills are paid and you and the children have enough to live.
The dinancual settlement will come later
If you don’t know it now, work to understand what mortgage and tidal outgoings are today - they need covering so discuss how that will be achieved as priority

Total not tidal

You should get mad OP. He is waltzing off into the single-life sunset while you are left to deal with the twins and their heartbreak and all the other crap!

I hope you will ensure he has them half the time, at least, and get him to explain to them why he has put this bomb under your lives. X

@LiteraryType

You should get mad OP. He is waltzing off into the single-life sunset while you are left to deal with the twins and their heartbreak and all the other crap!

I hope you will ensure he has them half the time, at least, and get him to explain to them why he has put this bomb under your lives. X

I am so so angry and hurt. I just don’t want to become a bitter woman. I’ve seen my friends go through this and they can’t even speak to their ex.

I’m so sad and upset and tbh, haven’t got the energy or strength for this

Honestly don’t think you should be discussing anything at all yet. It could be “misconstrued” as a verbal agreement. OR you could lose your shit and shoot yourself in the foot. Now is the time to guard your words and thoughts VERY VERY carefully. You and your kids are extremely vulnerable and HE DID THIS TO YOU ALL.

I do understand - can you go to a relative's and get him to stay home with the children this weekend? Have a break? He is shirking his responsibilities and leaving you to pick up the pieces.

You probably have said but where is he staying? H should be the one explaining all this to the twins.

You said in your op things haven’t been right for a while .... so I get it’s complete floored you but relationships end. He can be a good father without needing to stay with you.
For all this inciting you to get angry - about what ? He’s wants out if the relationship - and many women on here are advised to leave unhappy relationships

It will take time. You will be hurt. There will be good and bad days ahead. Done things you agree and others you don’t

You don’t need to get all angry in order to get a fair outcome. You have to co parent fir a long time. Emotions are running high at the moment. Things will be said on both sides that are necessarily true or fair.

It’s devastating when marriages end. But how you both deal with the fallout will determine how the children do.

Aren’t necessarily true but are true !

@Qwincy

I can see why you don't want to go down the route that LiteraryType suggests, and I think you are right.

My situation was, as I said, different from yours, as I was the one who left. However, I am always unhappy about people saying that 'you need to make sure your husband has the children half of the time', etc.

I didn't leave mine sooner because I wanted to be 100 percent certain that they would be with me the whole time.

Not everyone wants to palm their children off on their ex, even to "prove a point". Some people want to be with their children all the time, and loathe the idea of not being with them, even for one night. That was how I felt. Hence I opted for fire-fighting until they were old enough to have a more flexible arrangement (based on what they wanted, not on what XH and I wanted).

It's hard to say what I would have done if XH had been a decent father, though.

@justilou1

Honestly don’t think you should be discussing anything at all yet. It could be “misconstrued” as a verbal agreement. OR you could lose your shit and shoot yourself in the foot. Now is the time to guard your words and thoughts VERY VERY carefully. You and your kids are extremely vulnerable and HE DID THIS TO YOU ALL.

No... he didn't "do this to you all". It's horrendous for you, OP, especially as you seem to have done nothing wrong at all. But IME, people don't end marriages on a whim. Ending a marriage, when children are involved, is unspeakable. I'm still enmired in it, six years after the event. XH would say it's my fault for leaving him, and that I DID THIS TO US ALL. I would say it's his fault for abusing our children, and I DID THIS TO US ALL, BECAUSE HE DID THIS TO THEM. But apportioning blame is absolutely no use to children.

Sometimes one door closes and another door opens... maybe this is meant to be for what (exciting thing) will happen to you in your future.. x

I’ve met with him and he’s going to keep paying half of everything and we are going to see how we are both coping financially with that in january.

He is a brilliant dad and loves the twins dearly, He will have them 2-3 nights a week.

We have a beautiful house and its my dream home but I’m going to see how I cope financially and if I have to, I’ll sell, split the equity and buy something smaller that is just mine and the children’s

Where will he have them?