Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

Another wife trusted her husband to not shaft her financially when he had an affair. I posted to tell her to be careful etc. Last I read he was moaning about who was feeding the kids on his night to have the, he did shaft her and his kids and he still does. Be careful.

@Qwincy I was in your shoes last year, except their was another woman. It was a utter shock, we had also not prioritises our relationship but he was busy with work and is just had a baby so I thought things would get better in time. Clearly he didn’t think that and shacked is with someone else.
It’s so hard to come to terms with someone you’ve shared you life with, leaving you. Especially when you had no idea!! Mine was just before Christmas so that was such awful timing but I’m still here, still standing.
It will get better. Take every day as it comes. I used Headspace app on a night to get to sleep and kept myself busy with the kids.
Here if you need to chat

Oh gosh, I can feel your pain, I'm so terribly sorry for you and your children. Try and look after yourself as much as you can. You will probably lose a great deal of weight whether you want to or not. Try and eat something and drink sweet tea. Continue to reach out to your family and friends and just let out the pain as much as you can. He is no longer your ally or supporter so you will need to spend as much time with all those around you who are loyal and loving xxx

I agree there is probably someone else Qwincy. They rarely walk away so quickly without someone else waiting in the wings. Very glad you are gathering your people around you.

Dang it, woman, you’re awesome. I’m coming round with pizza, wine, cake and ice cream.

Oh OP I have been there, sending you so much love.

It really is a rollercoaster and I remember thinking it was a bad dream for so long. It took me about 18 months to not cry about it at all, and to fully see that it was for the best without crumpling about the ideals I had in my head. I know that is a long time, there were happy times before then, I just mean that is when I fully realised I really do not miss that cheating loser man.

Take things an hour at a time for now.

Anti depressants, talking to really trusted friends and anon boards like this, guided mediation to sleep, therapy all really helped

So sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

So many of us have had to deal with these shitty men (and yes mine had OW lined up).

I'm 6 years down the line now and couldn't be happier but it was a rocky road for a while.

Just wanted to point out that my ex was a GREAT dad and I was sure he would never mess me around with money.. unfortunately I was wrong. 7 months after we split up he disappeared never to be seen again nor maintenance paid.

Don't give him any level of trust. He is no longer your friend.

Stay strong

And you are all still amazing with support and advice.
I have a great team around me who are going to prop me up whilst I try and get through today then tomorrow xxx

@ScottIansEyebrows

Dang it, woman, you’re awesome. I’m coming round with pizza, wine, cake and ice cream.

Not feeling very awesome, feel like I’ve been hit by a bus but thank you. 😘

Gone already, eh?

He is not sleeping on a park bench.

So sorry.

But he is the one losing out here.

Remember not to just think in terms of 'can I afford for us to stay here'.

They are his children.

Their need for a home comes way before anything he might want for himself.

Within reason, it will also be HIS job to meet you somewhere in the middle so that he can ensure that HIS CHILDREN can stay in their home.

If you divorce and you are primary carer for the children then it will very much NOT be a case of a 50-50 split of assets.

Get advice very quickly, but be prepared to go into this fully expecting that some of the funding for you to stay there can and shoudl come from him. Because you are not just homing yourself, you're homing his children. And in homing his children, you're basically saying that it's YOU that will be tied down on their schedule which will affect your ability to earn and your life-flexibility about 1000 times more than his.

and see if I can afford to keep our home.

As a PP said - it's also down to him to help you keep the children's home

@chatterbugmegastar

and see if I can afford to keep our home.

As a PP said - it's also down to him to help you keep the children's home

Actually no it's not. There is no automatic legal right for a mother and the children to stay in the family home - it's preferred yes to provide stability but Her DH has no obligation to pay the mortgage or pay anything above his minimum CMS requirements. He also has the right to a home of equal value and status to enable the children to stay with him too and if that means the family home being sold then so be it

“You shouldn't have said you don't love him anymore
Tell them the truth that their dad wants to leave the family home
Why are you taking the blame?”

This also bothered me though I can see other PP saying it’s better for the DCs to keep it completely neutral and they’re probably right. But still it doesn’t seem quite right or fair - it seems cowardly on his part, like he’s already trying to write a script where this is what you both wanted. But of course keeping things as amicable as possible for your DCs is the priority.

I agree that kids should be told the truth. Guaranteed they will overhear things or be told lies by other people, or things grandparents would rather they be told. Tell them the truth now and stick to it.

You have a lot of replies here to get through OP! I'm another been there got the T shirt survivor! My exH told me nearly 4 years' ago that he 'didn't love me like a wife' and was leaving. I was so shocked, I threw up. And then.... I got suspicious and started to do some digging. He was seeing a colleague at work. You've had some good advice here and I cannot stress enough the importance of seeing a solicitor. It's not 'war' but trust me, he will have his own agenda and he will be 'nice' as long as you comply with it. This area of law is so complicated and no two cases are thr same. Start getting getting documents together and take control. It's going to be a bumpy ride. I do feel for you. If it's any consolation, my exH and I get on ok now and he's still with the woman he had the affair with so the disruption for our son, he was 2 at the time, has been minimal. Good luck and be strong. Be lead by your solicitor X

He also has the right to a home of equal value and status to enable the children to stay with him too and if that means the family home being sold then so be it

That doesn't make sense. One spouse has to sell and move into accommodation that is possibly not half as nice as their former home and the other gets a home as nice as the former home?

Thanks again everyone
Day 2.
Terrible night. Daughters eyes are red from crying. She’s missing her daddy cuddles. Twin 2 is trying to be brave but is bottling it all up inside. She’s keeping a little diary on her phone.

I am completely broken. He’s taken my whole future and shaken it.
It’s destroying to know that Im not enough for him after so much time and memories.
I’m terrified of how I’m going to do this on my own.
Telling the twins yesterday was the worst moment of my life and I’m so angry that he’s put us through this. I really thought we had a happy life together.

So today, my dad is coming to go through all
If the bills and work out the outgoings per month. I’m then going to do the child maintenance calculator to work out how much he should be giving me.
Then Do the maths and see if I can afford to stay here in our home

Sadly I can see things from the other perspective. If living in a flat mates type marriage for whatever reason either of you at any point deserve the right to find a truly fulfilling relationship
You can't just coast along and expect your spouse to just put up with it because you are happy like that
Now he has a chance to find a fulfilling relationship and you have a chance to do whatever you want

Go and see a solicitor to find out if you can stay in the family home.

So sorry for you and your girls. What a selfish, horrible thing your H has done.

You can do this with the help and support of your loving family. Your anger is a sign that you are not a doormat, not weak, not a coward. You are protective of your girls, and you know what was done to you all was a complete betrayal that none of you deserves.

Focus on the practical things. It helps you feel more in control.

I moved things around at home and got new bedding just to make it feel different. I have wanted to decorate but never had the motivation.

Do give school the heads up when they go back. They will be able to offer support and keep a closer eye on the children.

You need to grieve for what you thought you had and what your future looked like.

It's good your family are being supportive. People want to help so do let them. You are not in this alone.

Glad to hear your dad is coming over today Qwincy. It's also good you're angry (I know that sounds odd), means you're processing things and working your way through things. I found it an immensely useful and productive phase personally. It's part of the shift from being a team to feeling separate. Your whole perspective tilts and its disconcerting but necessary.
I dont think you should tell your DDs you don't love him either, don't let him dictate what you tell them for his benefit.
Re the house, if the kids stay with you for the majority then the courts very likely will rule in your favour.
One day at a time and be kind to yourself. You will get through it.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It must be heartbreaking seeing your daughters so distressed. I haven’t been in your situation but my sister’s husband left her two years ago. She thought her marriage was very happy, the happiest they’d ever been (and they had always been really happy). They’d been together 21 years, married for 13 with two dcs. I’ve never witnessed a person change like he did. It still upsets and shocks me to this day as he has been so unbelievably cruel and continues to be. It’s like overnight he despised her. He too left for a younger colleague. The heartbreak, confusion and disappointment this has caused has been unbearable. You sound like you have amazing support and I sincerely hope you don’t have this kind of experience (it’s the worst I’ve ever heard of) but please prepare yourself for him to change into someone unrecognisable. My sister very quickly accepted that it is unfortunate but possible that someone can fall out of love with you. What she struggles with is the loss of her best friend, the lack of respect, the selfishness of his actions, the detrimental effect this is having on her girls and the life she thought she had being so cruelly taken away from her. But on a positive she feels stronger and more in control of her life (she was a SAHM so the rug was very much pulled from underneath her) and she has been amazing dignified throughout and is a rock to her DDs.

It’s destroying to know that Im not enough for him after so much time and memories

Him leaving says more about him than you. A emotionally mature person knows marriages go through droughts and it is why there are marriage vows.

It is sadly, very common for men and some women to go through a crisis in mid life of utter selfishness. They believe that their needs are more important than everyone else.

I feel for you as telling my dc was the worst day of my life yet my Ex H seemed immune to the pain he was causing. Then when his relationship with the children wasn't strong as he prioritised his new life and often cancelled seeing them, he blamed me. Sadly he may scapegoat you as he will struggle to take responsibility for his actions.

He may gain initiallly from leaving, perhaps lack of family life routines will appeal for a while but after a few years he will see that he has lost more than he gained. He won't see his children as often, he will be worse off financially and his new relationship will at some stage go through a drought because he hasn't learned to work through the tough times.

It is why 2nd marriages and 3rd marriages have incredibly high rates of failure..because lessons are not learnt.

This is a heart-wrenching situation.

I think it is very important that you are honest with your daughters and very gently tell them that you still love him just as much as they do and that you did not want him to ever leave.

Please don't lie for him.

He has caused their terrible sadness, not you.

They deserve honesty and aside from that why would you want them thinking that you are partly to blame.