Husband is leaving me and I’m in bits

[Qwincy]

Please help or advise. After a long conversation, my husband has decided to leave me.
We’ve been together 20 years, married for 12 and have 10 yr old Twins.
Things haven’t been right for a while - lack of sex mainly- but we are 100% best friends and have a brilliant life together. Or so I thought. But he now says he loves me but isn’t in love with me and it’s torn me apart, I want to on it but he doesn’t.
This can’t be happening, I’m so lost and upset. Anyone got any tips, advice or just words of wisdom to get me through this.
Xxx

You are doing really well OP and I’m in awe of your supportive family. You will get through this.

@Techway
A very sad but spot-on post.
I have witnessed this happening to friends far too often.

@theworldhasfallenoutmybottom

Sadly I can see things from the other perspective. If living in a flat mates type marriage for whatever reason either of you at any point deserve the right to find a truly fulfilling relationship You can't just coast along and expect your spouse to just put up with it because you are happy like that Now he has a chance to find a fulfilling relationship and you have a chance to do whatever you want

This is an unnecessary and pretty unpleasant post, and smacks rather of victim-blaming.

The OP didn't deserve her husband to go off and start an affair, no matter what the situation. If he was unhappy then he should have talked with his wife to resolve it, not just decide he'd had enough.

I'm always amazed at how quickly some people bounce up and tackle all these things. I know my reality was that I didn't get up off the sofa except for bed when this happened to me for about 3 weeks.

@BIWI my thoughts exactly.

OP it hurt. The shit churning in your head seems never ending. But it does end, with time.

I hope you can keep your home op and not have to sell up.
I'm sorry your twins are going through this too. Children take on more than we think they do.
Next few weeks will be hard , but hang on in there.

I can imagine how awful it must have been to tell the kids. But good that you were so clear with him. You must feel wrung out.

I agree with Notmoresugar. The truth is very important and can be told in a gentle and age appropriate way.

There is no automatic legal right for a mother and the children to stay in the family home - it's preferred yes to provide stability but Her DH has no obligation to pay the mortgage or pay anything above his minimum CMS requirements. He also has the right to a home of equal value and status to enable the children to stay with him too and if that means the family home being sold then so be it

@ivfdreaming is, unfortunately, pretty much right.

The ideal scenario is for the children to be housed in a way which meets the expectations they have had thus far. In reality, though, there is rarely enough money available for one parent to keep the family home and the other parent to buy something that is appropriate for their needs. This will normally, sadly, mean that both parents have to buy something else.

The starting-point is 50/50, adjusted to accommodate individual circumstances. The needs of the children come first. If both parents have worked, the mother will not automatically be awarded a greater slice of the pie. If the mother hasn't worked, but would now be able to (though we all know that in practice, anyone who has been a SAHM for any length of time is stuffed in terms of employability), the same applies.

It's crap. And especially crap for the children.

OP, I know it is hideous, but you have done the right thing (for now, at any rate) not blaming your husband. I was the one who ended my marriage, because my husband was a vile abuser. We agreed to tell the DC it was by mutual consent. XH instead told them that I was leaving him, and it was all my fault. It has taken years for the children to forgive me - even though I have, gradually, told them why I had to do it. They are still emotionally stuck with "Mummy is splitting up our family because she doesn't love me". It's a terrible thing to do to children who are not old enough to understand the complexities of adult relationships and who are already going to be cast into unspeakable unhappiness.

for you, OP. It's a hard road, regardless of who instigates it.

@Qwincy

Thank you everyone. I am in shock, had a few hours sleep but feel as if this is happening to someone else. My whole future as I knew it has been shaken up.

With regards to lack of intimacy, we’ve both got stressful jobs and I guess we simply haven’t made it a priority. I don’t have huge confidence and don’t initiate it. Our children don’t sleep well and are often in our bed. But I assumed we were ok with that.

Some of you mention someone waiting in the woodwork........ back in November and again in January I confronted him because he was spending ridiculous amounts of time on his phone. So I (and I’m ashamed to say) checked his messages and a young, pretty work colleague had been messaging him loads, friendly initially, but then more flirty. He said she did have feelings for him but that she was just a good friend to him and as work is so shit she’s been a good sounding board. I hand on heart believe nothing has happened with her - yet - but worry now that she is waiting to sweep in,

Please tell me I’ll survive. I feel hollow, as if someone has literally carved out my insides xx

I found my old threads on here from about 4 years ago. It's pretty much word for word.

XH told me he loved me but was no longer in love with me, that he had changed and I (and our four children under 10 and under, presumably) were no longer what he wanted. Apparently, there was no one else. Except there was. I had had my suspicions, he said she was just a supportive friend and that they got on very well. Lo and behold, the day he left, he went straight to her.

I had a tough battle. Be prepared. Be tough, but like everyone on MN told me at the time, we've all got your back and loads of experience and advice for all the bullshit he will through at you along the way.

4 years on XH and OW have split up, and I have just given notice for my wedding to the most wonderful man. I am happier now that I was with XH. XH halved me, lovely DP gives me independence, strength and confidence.

You will get there, I promise. And your new life will be wonderful X

Definitely don't move out and leave your children. He will undoubtedly use it against you.

You may not think he is a bastard and that he won't shirk. I thought this. He was and he did. Yours will turn out that way, too, most likely.

How are you?

Make sure you sort out childcare asap. Don't let him swan off carefree.

My XH was most surprised that he now had the responsibility of the DC EOW and half of school holidays

Thank you all.
Day 2 nearly done. How long do the days go on for?! It’s felt like three days today.

I spoke to him today and this is definitely happening. I can hear how upset he is and have to accept that what we had is not enough for him.

We’re going to meet on Saturday so that a) he can see the girls and b)I can get a list of the finances- I pay half of everything already but need to know exactly how much everything is so that I can work out what is an ‘essential’ e.g. gas and electric. And what is not e.g. sky tv.
From that I can look at what maintenance to expect and whether I can afford this house

Does he have to contribute anything to the mortgage? Or does he just pay child maintenance?

Remember that you need to give notice for things like Sky TV. Money saving expert has good info on how to cut down your living costs.

Also apply now to the council for the 25% reduction in council tax. Don’t wait until he tells you his new permanent address.

You will need legal advice soon but do all your homework first. The MN divorce boards are very useful.

I’d also recommend you take half the money out any joint savings accounts. I know you say he won’t shirk his responsibilities but everyone thinks that. Sadly many of us were wrong. As soon as the guilt wears off they start to be difficult.

Sorry, I know you must be in shock and could never have imagined This happening to you. It must all seem very unreal.

Agree that taking some cash out is a good idea. The guilt he feels now will wear off soon and men tend to be less sentimental than women can be , especially when he discovers how much this will cost him financially. I've only ever known one person who had the ultimate amicable divorce but she also worked as a legal secretary and knew how to minimize the costs.
Mostly it does become messy and horrible and he could be in for a shock. That's when it could become difficult for you.
I hope his reasonable and keeps his word , but also be prepared for a possible change in attitude as time moves on. Being prepared and having some cash around the house isn't a bad idea.

@Qwincy

Does he have to contribute anything to the mortgage? Or does he just pay child maintenance?

He only has to pay the minimum CMS - he's not obliged to pay more nor pay the mortgage

Of course ivfdreaming is right, but would suggest that when you are talking about legal obligations, it's the bare minimum, and there is no reason why you can't work out an amicable agreement.

Definitely get legal advice and your options, such as staying in the home and how this can be facilitated, but ultimately it depends on finances.

Would it be an idea to postpone a meeting this weekend or just have it as a visitation for the girls, but someone else is there so things move more at your pace rather than his?

it's going to be a rocky road but you can do this use the shock to propel you forward. On a purely practical note cups of tea, a banana or fruit and a damn good multi vitamin kept me going for weeks. Mine was last year I don't remember half of it now but I'm through to the divorcing stage

There is a calculator on the CmS website. He should pay 16% of his income before tax and national insurance. But after pension deductions. This is on a sliding scale depending on the number of over nights he has. And as already said this is legally all he is obliged to pay.

Hi OP, it's great that you are focusing on practical things to get you through.

The courts start at 50:50 as a starting point for dividing assets (assuming you are married?) and look at both parents being able to house themselves and the children. You need to look at all your assets, yours, his, joint (savings, shares, pensions, property, individual valuable items ...). Then look at any debts, yours, his, joint. Take away the debts from the assets and that is your 'pot'.
You will need to get the house valued.
Whether you can keep the house will probably depend on whether you can buy him out. It isn't as simple as being able to cover the bills, unfortunately. This is why you need legal advice before starting conversations about finances.

I would be asking him for a list of all his assets and debts as a starting point. You also need to take into account your incomes and future potential income for each of you. If he has the children 50% of the time, he would not be expected to pay you maintenance.

It can become complicated, hence why often negotiations can become heated.

I have stood where you are standing. I cried and felt scared at first. I had been married for 22 years. I promise you will feel better. I started by signing up to gym and getting physically more fit and that boosted my confidence. I found a divorce recovery workshop that helped me do very much. It is part counseling part advise and you make new friends who are going through same as you do know how you feel. There were 8 sessions and each week a different expert gave a speech and q and s session. The one on finances was brilliant as we had omplex finances sharing a house, business and savings. Then I took control by divorcing exh. The first month was the worst when I found out h had.met someone else. That did not last though and after 3 months he was begging to.come back. I refused him. He had spoken to his solicitor and realised how much it would cost him in terms of business. I met someone else a few months later at the gym and now been married 15 years and couldn't be happier. It is only when you are in happy relationship you can look back and see how awful first marriage was. Got 3 wonderful children out of it though so not all bad. One of hardest things I found was we had a lot of joint friends and we holidayed with some before breakdown. I remember crying when I found out I was not invited to barbeque but h was. I was sometimes invited and he was not. Very difficult so I made new friends. Ex still pissed off because his best friend from childhood remains friends with Mr but does not speak to ex anymore. You will get through this stronger. Organise a solicitor and take whatever you are entitled to.

This is an unnecessary and pretty unpleasant post, and smacks rather of victim-blaming.

The OP didn't deserve her husband to go off and start an affair, no matter what the situation.
@BIWI
Im not justifying him starting an affair at all. But if the marriage isn't satisfying either party are entitled to leave rather than feel there is no chance of a fulfilling relationship for the rest of their day's. We have no idea what OP and her husband have discussed regarding this or what has been tried but OP does acknowledge there were issues
People are continually being lambasted for having affairs but if they actually do the right thing and leave they are scum of the earth

One very important point to remember, he has been thinking about this for some time before he voiced it to you. You are behind as it is new to you do don't let him rush you into anything. Tell him you are processing news and need time to think, then try to get all financial information together for when you see solicitor. You need to know how much mortgage left to pay, bank statements, pay slips, savings, any investments and pensions also cars and jewelry.

Hard as it is you need to try to stop thinking of you both as a team sorting the separation together. You are on your own now, and you need to take decisions based on what is best for you and your DC. Bluntly, his rent/expenses are his problem not yours. So don't feel it is your job to "share" the money.

Again it is hard but see a lawyer ASAP, even if only to look at your options. You may well think he will be reasonable/honourable but so have thousands of women before you. He is clearly mired in guilt atm but it will wear off quickly. Especially so if there is an OW needing wined and dined.

You won't want to hear this I know, but give it some thought. You won't regret seeing a lawyer whatever happens going forward. You may well regret not doing so.