DP sulking as I wasn't available

[Fuzzyplant100]

Had a text from DP this morning (we don't live together) to say should he buy a bbq and come over to mine this afternoon with his DS. I replied and said sorry I can't today, me and DS are going to my parents for some food.

DP now seems to be sulking - taking forever to reply to messages, and only a few words each time. Nothing like normal. Definitely coming across as quite shitty in his messages.

Should I say something or just wait for him to get over it? I think he was expecting me to be available (i normally am), or cancel my plans with my Mum Maybe I should have?

OP doesn't seem to be really taking in what posters are saying. She came here to vent, and that seems enough for her. I think she'll carry on with the status quo to keep this man with her.

Hopefully she'll reflect sometime on what this relationship is actually bringing to her and her child's life.

There’s a certain kind of single dad who will do anything to avoid parenting his Own children when he has them. They either take them to their own mother to care for or find a GF who already has Kids who will do it for them.

Goodesss knows why this type even have their kids at all. Presumably it’s so they don’t look like losers to their own family. Or to reduce their child support payments.

*BumbleBeee69

Cherish your Freedom OP.... don't move on to another abuser.. you literally just got shot of one and have stumbled bang straight into another one... Choose you... choose your own kids OP... be free 🌺*
So agree with this
Start by doing something lovely just for you and your kid every day
Treasure just you and your kid
Forget wasting energy trying to please partners that give little back and are not right for you

I didn't need to reply about today - I didn't reply quick enough as he's now gone to his mates to watch the football (his DS has gone home earlier than planned - not DP's choice). Assumed he'd come over today but obviously not! I won't be impressed if he expects me to be available as soon as the football is over.

@TwentyViginti It's not that I'm not taking anything in - I came on here just to have a vent really and end up with multiple people telling me he is abusive! It's a bit of a surprise

I think you’ll find he will be peckish after all that TV watching and video game playing. Maybe his mate will order him a carry out.

I’m sorry if this is way off base OP but are you the poster who starts a thread every few months under a new username to talk about her “D”P of 2-3 years who habitually ignores her for days/weeks on end, in addition to coming over for dinner and snacks several times a week?!

Apologies if this is not you but something in your writing style rings a giant bell, despite tweaking a few details regarding DC etc....

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3603074-why-does-he-do-this

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3713193-Habit-of-ignoring

Anyway, even if I am completely out of line and the threads are not yours, please read them. Because, like that woman, you have a petulant, sulking cocklodger on your hands and this is not/will not get better. It will continue and wear you down until you are as desperate and powerless as the OPs above.

Please read the advice given over literally hundreds of posts to the “previous posters” in eerily similar situations to you.... that advice was ignored then and most probably will be now but it would be disingenuous to pretend you haven’t, on some level, considered that your boyfriend’s behaviour is heavy-duty stonewalling, to the extent of actual abuse.

I don’t mean to upset or offend anyone, but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Please take steps to change your own, and your children’s, narrative. They deserve better, even if you don’t believe you do.

@malbecchio Hi, no my DP has never ignored me for weeks He just gets a bit crappy now and again!

@Fuzzyplant100 in that case my apologies, it just sounded so familiar and the previous poster would start the exact same thread every few months under a different name.

In any case, you deserve so so much better. You know you do.

Do you see now OP? YOU get sulked at because you weren't availabe to entertain him and his child yesterday.

Today, his child left early so he went to his mates instead of seeing you - he didn't need you to entertain his child today.

I expect you'll see him when he needs feeding.

He may not be abusive, but he certainly isn't an adult.

I would not worry right now about labels and definitions. I would focus on behaviours and on moving away from indulging his actions that seem more self centred and less considerate of you. So don't be the back up person who isn't first choice but is supposed to drop everything and be available at short notice. If he texts after the football suggesting he comes round, say you're catching up with friends tonight or something.

Do you go round to his place ever? What happens about food if and when you do?

Just because he doesn't call you names or throw water over you doesn't mean he's a good partner. He expects you to feed him and his child with no financial or practical contribution, he expects you to be available at all times for him, he is passive aggressive if he doesn't get his own way, he prioritises himself and everyone else over you, he is "awkward" around your family (ie doesn't like you giving them attention so creates an atmosphere). He's awful.

He has a habit of getting moody if I bring up anything to do with his 'behaviour' so I don't usually
That's how he's controlling you - so you never 'need' to bring up anything with him!

Look at you wondering whether you should have cancelled meeting your mum just so you could jump cos he clicked his fingers!!!!!

I suggest you start saying 'no' to him more often and not always be 'available' to a strict schedule......cos he's manipulating you and you don't even see it.

I don't get why you call him your 'partner'.
You don't live together so he isn't a 'partner', at all is he?
A partner is someone you live with, share your life with, have a full time relationship with that is balanced and respectful and loving.
Calling him a 'partner', comes over as well, a bit desperate OP. Or maybe, you have no experience of what a proper relationship looks like.
This relationship is one of convenience it seems to me...and one in which the expectation is that you give, give and give some more and he takes, takes, takes as much as he can get away with.
Not good. You deserve better .
Much better.
Your self esteem needs boosting.
Your boundaries need sorting.
You really need to start by putting yourself FIRST and thinking hard about what your child is experiencing seeing his mother being used like this.

"He has a habit of getting moody if I bring up anything to do with his 'behaviour' so I don't usually"

Can you elaborate on this @Fuzzyplant100? You shouldn't ever have to justify your behaviour on account of him, although I get the feeling you do?

Just because your Ex was a Level 10 abusive knob doesn't mean you have to accept the Level 6 abusive knob that comes along afterwards.

Don't be available after the football. Just dump him.

Sounds like you're dating a teenage boy, op. He's not behaving like a mature adult, at all. I'd find that deeply, deeply unattractive.

Even if he's not abusive he's a bloody waste of time!

Please set your bar considerably higher.

Either find someone who treats you properly and not just as a cook with benefits or stay on your own.

Why do you think it's okay to treat you the way he does?

@Fuzzyplant100

Sulking is deeply unattractive in a partner as well as controlling. Add to that the fact he's not exactly generous in contributing to the food he often eats at your home, but also goes 50/50 on takeaways instead of paying for it himself and I'm unsure what positives you are actually getting from this relationship?

I hope you were not planning on moving in with him and combining your finances.

There's a long-running thread on here from someone who's divorcing her husband who is both a champion sulker and manipulator..

Thank goodness you don't live with him. His behaviour would be far worse than it is now. Never let him move in. I think you are beginning to realise that he's a selfish tight wad.

He just gets a bit crappy now and again!

Low level abuse is to be tolerated, is it?

Oh op, you're a bit like me, I wasn't sure I was in an abusive relationship, I just thought my Dp was an atsehole sometimes. When I wrote about him on here, everyone pointed out he was abusive. The more I thought about it the more I thought they were right. I'm out if the relationship and ten times happier now.

Will you be available after the football OP?

Ignore the word abusive for a minute and just weigh up his actions.
You can't bring up any issues
He eats 3 or 4 teas a week at yours plus snack (bet there's some lunches too) so you subsidise his food bill by about half.
You're not supposed to make any plans in case he fancies spending time with you last minute.
Not a great catch! Cocklogder in the making, abusive relationship? Well I think he's setting himself up as the person who makes the decisions, you're the person who'll stay at home and wait and make tea.