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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP sulking as I wasn't available

182 replies

Fuzzyplant100 · 31/07/2020 19:27

Had a text from DP this morning (we don't live together) to say should he buy a bbq and come over to mine this afternoon with his DS. I replied and said sorry I can't today, me and DS are going to my parents for some food.

DP now seems to be sulking - taking forever to reply to messages, and only a few words each time. Nothing like normal. Definitely coming across as quite shitty in his messages.

Should I say something or just wait for him to get over it? I think he was expecting me to be available (i normally am), or cancel my plans with my Mum Confused Maybe I should have?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzyplant100 · 31/07/2020 21:55

I'm not sure I'd label him as abusive? My ex called me names, told me to shut up, insulted my appearance, where I'm from, chucked over me, etc. I've not had any of this from my current DP

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzyplant100 · 31/07/2020 21:55

*chucked water

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/07/2020 21:59

Abuse is not just solely physical or verbal in nature.

He is sulking to control you and you have also modified your behaviour more around him over time. He has trained you not to talk about his behaviour Sulking is a form of emotional abuse.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 31/07/2020 22:01

Abuse comes in many different forms. Different levels too. But the only acceptable level of abuse is none.

At its core, it's about seeing themselves as more important than you, thinking they have a right to demand things of you. It's a kind of ownership mentality.

The fact that he appears to be training you, like I said in my pp and many others have said, shows you that he thinks he has a right to your time, your money, your effort (food preparation!).

It's not verbal abuse, no, but it's not an equal partnership either.

SoulofanAggron · 31/07/2020 22:01

It does actually feel a bit like I need to be on standby for him, but I'm not sure why I feel like that

Because this is how he acts when you're not available.

And in general with a sulker (it is a way of controlling you) people end up walking on eggshells and doing what the sulker wants so as not to face the moods.

TwentyViginti · 31/07/2020 22:08

There are different types of abuse. Your current partner has been chipping away at your boundaries.

People like him can sniff out vulnerability. You've been abused previously, which makes you vulnerable.

You are feeding him at your expense. Deferring to his taste on joint holidays. You are afraid of his sulking so won't challenge him. It's now gone so far, you thought you should have cancelled your plans on his say so.
He comes and goes as he pleases, knowing you'll allow it.

He's one step short of being a cocklodger, and a controlling one at that.

Tappering · 31/07/2020 22:30

Abuse has many forms and levels.

Let me give you an example: someone who goes around slapping complete strangers for no reason, versus someone who, without being provoked, beats someone unconscious and leaves them with serious injuries.

Would you describe the first person as non-violent, simply because they "only" slapped people rather than beating them unconscious?

backseatcookers · 31/07/2020 23:02

It doesn't even really matter if he's abusive or not - you don't need to put a label on it when you're with such a joyless fun sponge, that's reason enough to end it!

Honestly, he sounds insufferably selfish.

He thinks you're on standby for him because you are on standby for him. All the time.

He thinks he can come and have free food and drink because you give him free food and drink.

He is a grown man who thinks it's acceptable to be sulky and shitty when you aren't available on short notice because you have continued to engage with him despite the aforementioned sulky shittiness.

Sack him off, he sounds tedious and selfish. Like I said, that's reason enough to end it!

LannieDuck · 31/07/2020 23:56

It seems odd that he comes over to your house (with his DS?) 3-4 times a week, but you can't go over to his often because you have your DS.

Or does he only occasionally have his DS? In which case, is there any chance he wanted to come over today so he didn't have to do childcare by himself?

BitOfFun · 01/08/2020 00:00

Nailed it, backseatcookers.

midsummabreak · 01/08/2020 00:10

If over time, there is a pattern of sulking every time you don’t do what he wants, he’s is clearly being manipulative to get HIS WAY over yours.
Time to stand your ground or move on.

He has shown you what you are in for, for a lifetime of moods, treading on eggshells, when it doesn’t go his way or, giving in and always doing what you don’t want to do.

Guiltypleasures001 · 01/08/2020 00:22

Hi op

I know it's hard to believe he's abusive, but it's like sleep walking in this kind of relationship. It's not until someone points out the different dots, that you begin to join them up.

ScottIansEyebrows · 01/08/2020 00:26

He’s a dick. Dump him, pronto.

GarlicSoup · 01/08/2020 00:26

@Mandalalorianna

Tip toeing around his moods? Sulking? Cut your losses.
^ This
BumbleBeee69 · 01/08/2020 00:34

EXACTLY what Backseatcookers said ... 🌺

Holothane · 01/08/2020 00:37

Get rid he’ll drag you down even more as the years go by.

PickAChew · 01/08/2020 00:39

You need to have other plans, permanently.

midsummabreak · 01/08/2020 00:45

Stand your ground and be clear that you are the same as everybody else- you have family and friends.

Be clear that it is normal for couples to have to make plans around other family/ friends who will always be in their life.

midsummabreak · 01/08/2020 00:53

Yeah agree with others, think seriously about freedom from a lifetime of this crap. Are you not worth more than these exhausting, childish guilt tripping games?
1/ he has trouble respecting you need to continue to be yourself, and see your DM and others when, if and however you bloody well want
2/ he lacks flexibility and determination, is useless at making future plans - he didn’t see you already having plans with your mum as par for the course and an opportunity to make plans in future
3/ Sulkers are babies, and you are not wanting a baby for a partner.
4/ it’s exhausting treading on eggshells around manipulative moody people

LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh · 01/08/2020 01:03

Does this relationship make you feel good? It doesn't sound like it.

Stellwagen · 01/08/2020 01:34

Your thread is making me think about an ex of mine OP.
He wasn't good at planning and he might check with me to see what I was doing at the last minute. If I was eating with my family, I'd invite him, not every time but often enough. He'd be lovely and charming and chat with everyone. He'd help clean up and be complementary to my mother about the food.
His sulking is a huge red flag. But you not wanting to invite him is another.

Pobblebonk · 01/08/2020 01:48

Sounds like you need to make a practice of saying no to him more often, as he seems to regard you as a free meal ticket.

midsummabreak · 01/08/2020 01:51

There’s more than one selfish trait
1/ wants his own way Hmm
2/ sulking to guilt trip you, get his own wayAngry
3/ tight arse rarely makes you food and never in two years has he shouted you food out Shock

Why stay when he’s this much hard freaking work. I have met my share of bastards. You are not alone. You already have a bastard x you still getting over. Don’t settle for any more crap from this selfish man. If he really loves you he will lift you up to a higher place and you will know the good times are worth the bad times.

You are worthy of a generous, fun, partner who may make slip ups ( we’re all human) but strives to make you feel happy, not to drag you along to get his way.

vikingwife · 01/08/2020 02:03

You’re being taken advantage of. You’re feeding him (and son?) 3/4 times per week ?!
He is taking it for granted that you will be available & being stroppy when you’re not.

I would be interested to know how much 1 on 1 time he actually spends with his child. In my experience this type of bloke enjoy having a female around while they have visitation.

As an Aussie am confused about his Bbq idea - so he was planning to purchase a BBQ, but didn’t call you to invite you & your son over to HIS for a BBQ - he wanted to bring it over to yours As what? A gift to you for your house? Was he planning to clean down the bbq & what, put it back in his car & go home? It sounds odd.

Yes I know you can buy the travel ones, but it seems like an odd plan. Usually when one plans a bbq they plan it for their own house, or say at the park if it was a travel BBQ

I can’t help but think in some way you would have been providing 1. Food 2. Extra set of eyes to watch his child 3. Entertainment for the day

It says a lot that when plans for his BBQ fell through, he decided the best alternative was to spend the day playing video games indoors with his son - that’s just lame. They could have done so many other things together outdoors enjoying your UK summer. To revert to a day indoors playing video games is incredibly lazy - to met that says a lot about his character & intentions.

I would be watching very closely about how much you are feeding this bloke & stop being so available to him. He doesn’t sound like a great guy.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/08/2020 05:23

...so I didn't think there was any harm in taking DS to my Mum's!
This dynamic is tricky and insidious. You taking your child to see your mum, your child’s grandparent is fine. It is natural and expected. There is no harm in it: correct.
That What’s-his-name feels insulted is entirely his problem. That was his choice to feel that way. He could have chosen a supportive and validating response but no, he didn’t. That is all on him. This tissy fit is directed AT you but it is not about you. It is about him. It is a conscious manipulation.
I hope you will find your schedule to be rather full in the coming weeks to lessen your exposure to these manipulations. Also, you may find out how much you have been spending on him by not spending on him. He’s a parasite.
Simple parting words could go something like this: You are not compatible (with this bloke). Let him use someone else.

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