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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP sulking as I wasn't available

182 replies

Fuzzyplant100 · 31/07/2020 19:27

Had a text from DP this morning (we don't live together) to say should he buy a bbq and come over to mine this afternoon with his DS. I replied and said sorry I can't today, me and DS are going to my parents for some food.

DP now seems to be sulking - taking forever to reply to messages, and only a few words each time. Nothing like normal. Definitely coming across as quite shitty in his messages.

Should I say something or just wait for him to get over it? I think he was expecting me to be available (i normally am), or cancel my plans with my Mum Confused Maybe I should have?

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 01/08/2020 10:20

Cherish your Freedom OP.... don't move on to another abuser.. you literally just got shot of one and have stumbled bang straight into another one... Choose you... choose your own kids OP... be free 🌺

LannieDuck · 01/08/2020 10:23

I would probably say yes to meeting up today, but let him know you want to discuss what happened yesterday.

  • How you won't always be on stand-by for him, and he has to understand that. Just as you understand he has his own life beyond you. And that's healthy.
  • And how sulking and getting moody on the occasions where you have other plans is absolutely not attractive to you, and you wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who does that.

Have some words pre-prepared in your head and be calm and factual, but determined. Address this now and set a line in the sand. Start as you mean to go on :)

Original poster
Fuzzyplant100 · 01/08/2020 10:24

@TwentyViginti Sorry I didn't see that question, I'm not sure really? He has dinner at mine 3/4 times a week (him, not his DS) and then snacks when he's here too. I'm not sure how much that equates to but it's obviously more than he spends on me.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 01/08/2020 10:24

No of course you dont cancel your plans and let people down, just because your boyfriend wants you to! You shouldn't even think like like this, otherwise you'll be easy for him to isolate and control. I would actually make yourself more busy. If you get the same pissy messages then bin him off. You can do better.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 01/08/2020 10:25

I've brought up a couple of things in the past and that didn't go down too well so I don't really bother anymore.

Again, this is him training you not to question / say no to him. Op, youre sleep walking in to an Emotionally abusive relationship.

Test him if you like, send a message saying unfortunately today doesnt work for you. See hoe he reacts again. But really, ending it would be the best option.

ptumbi · 01/08/2020 10:26

I don't actually have any plans but I'm fairly certain we will have a repeat of yesterday if say no - and Job Done, I'd say!

He has done a nice job of making sure that you don't want to have a repeat of yesterday, so you NEXT TIME you will drop all your plans, to accommodate him and his desires, to make sure he doesn't 'sulk'.

Start saying NO a lot more, DO NOT drop your plans, DO NOT stop seeing YOUR DM, going out with YOUR child, or seeing YOUR friends.

Or just dump him. And live your life freely, without a sulking stropping freeloader.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/08/2020 10:31

OP does he light up your world... does it make you happy and tingly inside when his name appears in your notifications... does he show you kindness and warmth... does he treasure you as a lover and a partner .... or are you merely subsidising his lifestyle .. providing free meals and snacks.. sex on a plate.... and nothing but passive aggressive behaviour conditioning you... in return.... ? 🌺

HomeTheatreSystem · 01/08/2020 10:35

I am very much a last minute kind of person. However, if that results in me not being able to do something with friends because they already have made other plans, I don't morph into a baby and act all sulky and petulant about it.

You are already moderating what you say/do to avoid being "punished" by him. He is exerting control over you. This is abuse and it will only get worse.

howfarwevecome · 01/08/2020 10:39

How dare you not let him appear so you can feed and clean up after him and his son at your place. How dare you!

sigh

Sounds like you spend your life trying not to rock the boat so he doesn't get upset/sulk/punish you in some way.

No thanks.

Notice he didn't apologise for his shitty attitude this morning either.

Life is too short. Find someone who treats you well.

TheyThoughtItWasAllOver · 01/08/2020 10:40

@Fuzzyplant100

I’m not sure he’s after a baby sitter - I didn’t meet his DS for a long time then for the next 6 months me and my DS weren’t invited to anything they did. It’s only been the past 6 months or so that he’s suggested doing things all together
I can see where a lot of the comments are coming from (my first thought was also that seeing you provided an activity for his DS, then plan b was video games Hmm). But, playing devil's advocate: could it be that he is trying to move your relationship forward and blend families, so is feeling sensitive that you didn't invite him and his DS to your mum's? Obviously being sulky and moody rather than communicating this is not good, but I would be looking at why you'd rather not have him there as maybe that's more the reason to part ways, and I'd also be wary of someone so happy to be entertained at your expense so frequently.
IntermittentParps · 01/08/2020 10:43

I've brought up a couple of things in the past and that didn't go down too well so I don't really bother anymore.

In a grown-up relationship you have to be able to talk about things that make you unhappy or that you're worried about.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/08/2020 10:50

But, playing devil's advocate: could it be that he is trying to move your relationship forward and blend families, so is feeling sensitive that you didn't invite him and his DS to your mum's?

bollocks ....

Sssloou · 01/08/2020 10:50

Does he treat you with kindness and respect at all times?

They are your very basic two starting points for any civil relationship - that’s the way you would treat and be expected to be treated in any transaction between, colleague, friend, acquaintance, neighbour.....that’s your minimum - remember that.

What were the behaviours you wanted to address and he refused? Are they still going on or has he modified but was unable to discuss issues like a grown up?

Does your DC love having this other DC around - or would they prefer having you all to themselves or one of their own mates over?

What joy, hope, peace and calm does this man bring to your child’s home life?

Is your DC delighted to see him? Does he give your DC full individual attention - or does he suck all the energy away from you to him.

Be clear that your DC is sensing a sulky broody male in his presence and will also be absorbing and internalising your subtle mood change to hyper alert, walking on eggs shells. This will make him fearful and confused.

Your DC should only have warm, encouraging, emotionally balanced and predictable adults in their home and life.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/08/2020 10:53

Do you want a partner you can't talk about things with for fear of him sulking and giving you shit?

KitchenConfidential · 01/08/2020 11:00

brought up a couple of things in the past and that didn't go down too well so I don't really bother anymore.

More red flags than a communist party. Do you really want to waste your life with a man you can’t discuss issues with and sulks because you want to spend time with your family?
Just because he’s not explicitly abusive, doesn’t mean you have to put up with this shit. You and your DS are worth far more than this shit.

Fedup21 · 01/08/2020 11:06

He probably likes coming to you as you cook and clean up after him at no charge and he’s training you to do as he says without questioning him!

I wouldn’t be continuing this relationship.

MellowMelly · 01/08/2020 11:18

Well firstly the positive, you don’t live with him.

Now the negative. I agree with previous posters that he is displaying some worrying signs. This is how it all started with my ex. He conditioned me so covertly I didn’t know about it until it was too late. The sulking if I told him I was busy with other plans that day resulted in me saying no to other people because I wanted to avoid his silent sulking towards me. He ramped it up eventually, booking days off work when he knew I had made plans with other people. Made me feel bad as he wanted to ‘surprise’ me and now I had ruined it for him so I started cancelling pre arranged plans to appease him and avoid his strops.

It escalated to full control of me pretty quickly. God forbid if I brought up any of his misdemeanours like a shitty text message from him, an indirect insult that hurt my feelings or how his sulking made me feel. So I started letting those behaviours go because it was easier for me rather than to deal with the fallout from that.

So there you go, I was now his perfect partner, allowing his bad behaviour which meant he could get away with more because I daren’t say anything and at his beck and call which meant I got isolated from friends and family as I just said no to everything just in case he wanted to make plans with me.

Just be wary op!

ALLIS0N · 01/08/2020 11:23

@BumbleBeee69

OP does he light up your world... does it make you happy and tingly inside when his name appears in your notifications... does he show you kindness and warmth... does he treasure you as a lover and a partner .... or are you merely subsidising his lifestyle .. providing free meals and snacks.. sex on a plate.... and nothing but passive aggressive behaviour conditioning you... in return.... ? 🌺
This.
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 01/08/2020 12:56

It would be extraordinarily prudent to exercise some focused social distancing regarding this bloke. He can not be worth the risk to you, your child, your mum.

Yes, he wants this relationship to progress. He wants you to eventually pick up the tab for his rent and utilities (which you are already subsidizing by letting him be at yours so much) and on and on. Where would it stop? School fees for his child? See it yet? This parasite is diminishing your and your child’s quality of life. That is just financial without regard to the emotionally unhealthy dynamics in which he constantly bathes you.
“Hit the Road Jack”- Sweet Sisters on You Tube

Bananalanacake · 01/08/2020 13:59

I'm surprised he hasn't tried to move in with you, maybe he won't because of his DC, either way, say no.

SixesAndEights · 01/08/2020 14:06

OP dump this wanker, and work on raising your bar for relationships. It's scraping the ground at the moment.

workhomesleeprepeat · 01/08/2020 14:16

OP he sounds kind of crap. How often does he bring his son with him? I suspect he does this to get out of caring for him on his own?

Its really terrible that you provide him with so much food and he doesn't reciprocate! What a cheapskate!

Why do you feel like you need to be available for him all the time?? I'm quite shocked that you think you should have dropped plans with your family for him, your poor mum that you'd just ditch her like that Sad

You time and your opinion (read your update about travel destinations) are just as important as his! And as previous posters say, just because he doesn't call you names it doesn't mean that he's a good guy. He sounds very selfish and like he does not appreciate you.

ButteryPuffin · 01/08/2020 14:19

Maybe develop some strategic Covid symptoms, like a cough you're a bit worried about, and say you think you should keep your distance for a bit to be on the safe side...

Sunshineonrainydays · 01/08/2020 14:27

Does this man make you happy OP?

I think it is worrying that he won't talk about things that bother you about his behaviour. He shouldn't expect you to be on standby. What's wrong with making plans ahead of time? Compare it to booking a holiday, unless he insists on doing this on the day too!

FatCatThinCat · 01/08/2020 14:30

Surely your reply to today's suggestion would be something along the lines of 'After your petulant little sulk yesterday? No thanks I'm washing my hair.'

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