DP sulking as I wasn't available

[Fuzzyplant100]

Had a text from DP this morning (we don't live together) to say should he buy a bbq and come over to mine this afternoon with his DS. I replied and said sorry I can't today, me and DS are going to my parents for some food.

DP now seems to be sulking - taking forever to reply to messages, and only a few words each time. Nothing like normal. Definitely coming across as quite shitty in his messages.

Should I say something or just wait for him to get over it? I think he was expecting me to be available (i normally am), or cancel my plans with my Mum Maybe I should have?

Abuse like described is truly insidious in its onset and does creep up on people. He has been testing you to see how much he can push you and otherwise buttering you up to accept more of this from him. Your boundaries here get further weakened.

It does actually feel a bit like I need to be on standby for him, but I'm not sure why I feel like that

You feel that way because he has conditioned you to and sadly you have allowed it.

Love your own self for a change. Put your son and you first now. This person you’ve been seeing is truly not a good man.

So who would have been doing the food and prep?

2 years is when the romance wears off and you are left with the person.

Why are you doubting yourself? There was no harm in confirming your mum, absolutely no need to check with him as you had no plans.

This type of control is insidious, you just make adjustments because you respond to his needs but what you don't see is that over time it becomes all about his needs.

Missing a bbq isn't a big deal, he should be able to shrug this off..if not be warned.

Why the fuck would you cancel your plans for him?

Have a very good think about why you feel the need to be on standby for him. Is it because you know he will sulk if you don't? If so, then have a think about how well he's trained you to arrange your life, and your son's life, around his when you don't even live together.

[quote Fuzzyplant100]@Pollypocket89 He's definitely sulking!
He's not had a bbq - been playing Xbox with his son all afternoon.

@mujila He has a habit of getting moody if I bring up anything to do with his 'behaviour' so I don't usually. [/quote]
And you're still with him why?

[quote Fuzzyplant100]@Techway We've been together just over 2 years. I don't usually say no to him - I don't really have a need to. I wasn't expecting him to want to come over today so I didn't think there was any harm in taking DS to my Mum's! [/quote]
Do you normally plan your life according to what you anticipate his wishes to be?

[quote Fuzzyplant100]@TwentyViginti It does actually feel a bit like I need to be on standby for him, but I'm not sure why I feel like that [/quote]
Because he's abusive and you're sucked in.

I think what makes it difficult for me is that I'm a planner and he's not. If he let me know in advance what evenings he was coming over that week then I could plan accordingly. But he doesn't, he'll just text me on the day. So I guess that's why I always feel like I'm on standby - in case he turns up!

Stop being on stand-by. His lack of planning isn't your responsibility.

@Fuzzyplant100 this is how he views your relationship, something for when it suits him with no commitment!!!

Sort of one step up from FWB

Do you provide all the catering at yours? Do you ever go to his? Do you go on dates?

Stop enabling his petty childish neediness.

So he says 'jump' and wants you to ask 'how high?' This time you said no so he has a strop?

He is used to you being on standby for him. Start making more plans for your time. He can have the scraps of time you leave him, if anything. Time to assert yourself. That'll show his true colours.

@TwentyViginti I provide all catering at mine. He probably has dinner at mine 3/4 times a week. Plus huge amounts of snacks.

Yes I do go to his sometimes but not that often as I have my DS quite a lot.

Yes we go on dates / holidays / visit family.

You've bagged yourself a right prize there .

Stop pandering to him and stand up for yourself. Why on earth are you even considering if you should have cancelled your plans on his whim?

You're being completely dominated here.

I provide all catering at mine. He probably has dinner at mine 3/4 times a week. Plus huge amounts of snacks.

Does he contribute towards the food? Or take you out for a meal?

Was he maybe expecting that you’d invite him and DS to go with you to your mum’s? Y’know, like a partner?

Does he pay for anything? Offer to get takeaways/ bring his own snacks?

Who pays for the holidays and who chooses where to go?

Lots of questions I know - just want to know the dynamics of this relationship more

@EatDessertFirst

Sulking is so very unnattractive.

You had plans with your mum. Don't feel guilty. Pandering to a sulking man? Thats a road you do not want to go down.

What eatdessertfirst said 👆

@Tappering He doesn't contribute towards the food. If we went out for dinner then I'd say it was 50/50 as to who pays

@MarkRuffaloCrumble I did debate inviting him but he's only been to my Mum's 3 times in 2 years - he always seems a bit uncomfortable when he's there.

@TwentyViginti No he doesn't pay for any of the food, although if I asked him to grab something on the way over then he would. Takeaways is 50/50 split.

Holidays we both have an input on where we go, although I know that if I wanted to go somewhere and he didn't, then we wouldn't be going! I'd say he has slightly more influence on where we go.

He doesn't contribute towards the food.

Well colour me surprised. He eats at your place 3/4 times weekly plus scoffing snacks. All paid for - and presumably cooked and cleaned up - by you. And he sulks if you aren't instantly available at his whim.

I hope for your sake that this bloke has a 10 inch dick and shits diamonds for you, because if he doesn't then I am really struggling to understand why you would give him the time of day. He sounds lazy, unpleasant, tightfisted and passive aggressive.