Why was DM so weird about puberty, how do I move on?

[81Hannah81]

I started puberty relativley early I think, started developing about 9, face full of spots by 10, periods by 11. All in primary school basically.

DD1 is 8 now so getting to that age, and when I look back at my experience it seems like my mum just completely abandoned me and it's actually really affecting how I feel about her.

She never told me about puberty, periods or any of it; I was so freaked out and ashamed when I started my period I didn't know I was meant to tell anyone so I didn't have proper sanpro, just rolled up tissue in my knickers. She never mentioned me wearing a bra until she bought me a crop top when I was about 14 and was pretty much fully developed (sorry if tmi).

I was only allowed one bath and hair wash a week, no face wash, no deoderant, I felt so disgusting and was ostracised and humiliated at school because I didn't know how, or have the means to look after myself properly.

If I think of sending DD off to school so sad and confused, with a bunch of tissue in her knickers, I'm just heartbroken. The thought of it destroys me. How could my mum have done that to me?

I don't see me and DD skipping in to M&S for some first bra ceremony, but I want to guide her, say what do you need, what can i get you? I just don't understand why my mum left me to deal with it all alone. It feels like she wanted me to suffer!

I self harmed for most of my teens and ended up in hospital when I was 17 - that seemed to snap her out it somehow, she suddenly seemed to be my mum again.

I've become quite preoccupied with this but can't talk to anyone irl because I feel so ashamed. Did anyone else go through this, or know why it happened? How can i get over it?

Was anything else going on with your mum at the same time?
My mum wasn’t great discussing anything embarrassing but luckily I had an older sister! I was allowed in her drawer to take san pro though even though I wasn’t allowed the stuff I wanted

When our dcat (male) went to be neutered my dm said it was to prevent him fathering any dkittens.
Not another word about sex /puberty /anything remotely necessary for life was given to me.
She took me for a bra and humiliated me in the shop.
Luckily I started my periods at a friend's house and her dm was great.
I was 12. 7..
Used my pocket money to buy my own stuff.

I’m so sorry, @81Hannah81, that sounds so sad and hard. I had a little bit of the same but not nearly so bad. I’d guess that your mum couldn’t ‘see’ you and your utterly normal needs properly, and I’d say it was abusive.
You sound like you’ll be lovely with your daughter, but I can see why it’s bringing up your own painful experiences.

My DM had a hysterecomy quite young so when I started my periods there weren't any sanpro in the house. It was a Sunday back in the days when shops couldn't open and my DM was a bit cross anout the whole thing! Obviously I still remember this so if you can make this easier for your DD it would be a very good thing

That sounds very much like my mum, except the washing. We were encouraged to wash but "if you do that properly you don't need deoderant". You really do, she did!

When I got my first period I sent my younger sister to fetch mum and she just "posted" a ST into the bathroom and told me where to find more (hidden in the airing cupboard where no one could possibly come across them.

I was caught out on Guide camp soon after, spent the week with tissue in my knickers because I hadn't realised I was due and thought I'd forgotten to take anything with me. My mum kept better track of the dates than I did but never said anything to me about being due on, just slipped the STs in my bag. Unfortunately I didn't know they were there until I unpacked when I got home!

I remember months of being ridiculed at school because I didn't have a bra and trying get get up the courage to tell her I wanted one, although I'm sure technically I didn't need one.

Spots were just one of those things and not to be concerned about.

I think she was just embarrassed about the whole thing, I've never held it against her but it was odd and I wouldn't do it with my daughter.

When I was 18yo my dad asked me if there was anything I needed to know (a bit late by then!). He said he and mum had often talked about her needing to have "the talk" with us but he knew she'd never done it. He was not so reserved but didn't step up at the time.

@81Hannah81 - you ask how you can get over it. Can you afford a bit of counselling? I find it really helps.

As for not being able to talk about it more generally (with friends), as you can see from the responses on here, I think it's something we all have in common - we have all been through this stage and might enjoy reflecting on our own experiences going through it with you. I have a stupid anecdote I'd tell you about my experience if you were to talk to me about it IRL - that's just to show that I think most of us would happily give you space to talk through your experiences without you needing to feel ashamed.

My own DM was pretty good at this side of things I think, but I do have a great many reasons to speak about her during the counselling sessions I've had, about other shit that happened. I think you could do three things:

1. Try talking to your friends to give some of this an airing and to stop it doing your head in.
2. Try counselling because maybe this is related to other stuff too for you
3. Know that parents are sometimes/often shit and fallible, we all are, we just muddle through.

Thank you so much for your replies, I really do appreciate knowing I'm not so alone.

To answer some of the questions, I'm 39 and I think you're right that this probably doesn't happen these days. My relationship with DM is fine now I guess, not deep, I don't go to her for support but I do think she loves me.

I have two DDs and have just tried to chat naturally about stuff when it comes up, like if there's a bit of blood in the loo, or they see tampax on the side. Tbh I'm pretty terrified of fucking this up, of inadvertantly pushing her down the same path as me.

I think counselling might be the answer, but I feel so much shame about the whole period, I don't know how I'll talk about it.

Hi Op
Reading your post struck a chord with me. Puberty was traumatic for me. I started my period at 12 and didn't know what was happening. A year before my DM had left a pack of enormous sanitary towels in my bedroom and that was it. No conversation or guidance. I felt disgusting and I was embarrassed and ashamed. It was an awful time.
With my own DD who is 9 and starting to show signs of puberty, I'm open about everything. We talk about hormones, mood swings, periods the lot. I hope to get it right, make it easy for her.
I hope you feel better about this in time OP.

Have you ever asked your mum why she behaved like that?

God, that's horrific, I'm so sorry so many of you were abused/neglected like that.

My mum was OK-ish about periods (except the pain aspect: "that's just part of being female", no pain killers or anything, just "take the pill, it might help") she was a bit weird at times about other puberty stuff (like, body hair, very taboo, here's a raxor, now let's pretend it doesn't exist), and not very helpful re: acne (yeah, it sucks, that's normal, welcome to puberty, just get on with your life)

My father had open disdain and disgust towards anything female, especially periods. He hated seeing sanitary products anywhere, I had to discreetly smuggle my used ones into the main bin...

Similar story here and I wonder if your mum had a mental health illness or condition, or went through some very dark times herself at the time. I agree with PP that it's neglectful and abusive, and that you deserved better.

I asked my mum if it's true that girls pee with blood when they grow up because that's what my friends told me. She sat me down with a book but within minutes shouted at me when I couldn't understand some of it (it was very academic, like an anatomy lesson) and clearly showed me that the conversation was a chore and something she could really do without. I've not had any san pro until I had my own money to buy stuff because it was deemed too expensive.

Things will be different for your DDs so I'd take comfort from that. Counselling is a good idea if you have access to free counselling through work or NHS - it's kind of self discovery and will help you to understand yourself better and see how you may be vulnerable as a result of your upbringing. The positive side usually is that you will have enhanced empathy and willingness to help others, and that benefits everyone.

x

I think the key feeling that this leaves us with is deep shame. And that’s why the prospect of talking to even a counsellor feels so hard, OP. I felt hideous shame about everything to do with puberty, even buying bras. I used to wash my blood-stained knickers out in a bowl that I hid in my wardrobe. I was terrified that someone would find my knickers soaking in there.

Once I could talk about periods etc normally with people outside my home, mainly once I went to uni, it all gradually became normalised for me.

Schools openly have lessons on these issues and they have boxes of clean underwear pads and wipes etc and access to the loo with a bin.

There shouldn’t be the same embarrassment, my daughters slightly older than yours are quite open and so are their friends. They have grown up in different circumstances.

Similar here and I remember not wanting to tell my dm and also too embarressed about it.
Having said that there was never any money to buy pads and I also used to use tissues etc, I do not think my dm ever gave a thought about what I was using. Not good memories.

It was similar for me too. My mum didn't talk at all about periods. She bought me one pack of pads ever. In hindsight there was always a box of tampons in the bathroom that her and my sister used but as a teen I thought they were for them and I wasn't allowed to use them as she didn't tell me I could. I'd occasionally 'steal' one but only if the box was almost full as I didn't want to be told off. I was another with rolled up tissue until I could buy my own pads.

I started mine when I was 11. I had absolutely no idea what was happening. She told me it meant I wasn't "getting a baby" right then, that was it. I was terrified as I had no idea how pregnancy occured and the Irish Catholic school didn't help any.

She didn't believe in sanpro, (I used toilet roll) deodorant, a wash of face daily was enough apparently (tell my acne that), I got a bra fairly fast as the school head had a word as I was "showing too much" in class.

Toothpaste was a luxury and only bought if going to a friend house but it wasn't for daily use, once a week was loads apparently, I didn't get pocket money either so couldn't but these. I was lucky to get a new toothbrush twice a year, by the time I was 15, 2 of my front teeth had broken. It was another 2 years before I could get a dentist appointment to sort out, that was a birthday present. I tried making appointments for myself via the health service but as lived very rural, I couldn't get there on my own and I would ask for a lift which would be refused at the last moment. Buses were few and far between.

I didn't have a school uniform until secondary but it was awful, jumper / skirt was washed once a term "if" it needed it but socks was the worst, 1 pair to do the whole week and wash at weekends and blouse the same, 1 for the week. I wasn't allowed to touch the washing machine either and so was bullied cos of smelling.

I don't have children but if I did, I deffo would not make these mistakes, my dad was long passed away and the friend who was "advising" her about all this, was also abusing me so it was a way to keep me under control.

I moved out when I was 17 and life really began. I was hospitalised in my first mental health unit at 15, due to self harm like pp. I'm sobbing as I write this but it was crap and has effects to this day. Still never got the basic facts of life either.

Body hair was another no go area, I asked for a razor but was given one that was previously used (I know now it was my older brother) I cut myself to bits as did he.

My dm was the same. Shes a right weirdo! She would never look at my dcs scan photos as she said it was weird to be looking at the inside of someones womb!
It has messed me up a bit honestly.
I spent a lot of years thinking sex was something to be ashamed of right up until I was 25.
My df taught me about periods and he did it in a way that wasnt embarrassing at all somehow.
I now sometimes find myself getting embarrassed whne my dc ask me questions but I snap myself out of it because I dont want them to be feel like I did all those years ago.
You're not alone op, maybe it was a bit of a generational thing who knows.

Christ, @NotanotherboxofFrogs, I’m so sorry. That’s all terrible.

Years ago there was not the openness that there is today. I remember girls from school who claimed to be dying when they suddenly got their period in school. They really had no idea. My eldest sister in law had never used a sanitary towel or tampon in her life - she had pieces of cloth that she used and washed. It was so strange to me because I remember my mum going into a shop and asking for the lady owner when the male owner was about to serve my mum. When the lady owner came over my mum handed her a shopping bag and it was taken to the back shop presumably to have a packet of sanitary towels put in it. Now the wide array of sanitary products are openly displayed on the shelves of supermarkets. Times really do change.
Incidentally, I am not ancient and did not have dinosaurs as pets!

OP I could have written about the exact same experience. It was brutal. No products were ever provided for me. She hit me when I left blood on the sheets on night. It was so cruel, I cannot understand it even now. My bad experiences made me terrified of having a daughter myself.

She really let you down. It might help you to write down everything you’d like to say to her, not to give to her, but just get it all down on paper. It would be great if you could see a counsellor.

The Phillipa Perry book ‘Things You Wish Your Parents Had Known’ might be useful for you. Events in our children’s lives often trigger difficult or painful memories of our own experiences.

I’m glad you have a good guide to how to have a relationship with your own Dd, it’s the opposite of yours, but you need a bit of help yourself with the feelings you’ve been left with.

I shudder with shame at how I managed with periods but that was a while before you I think. I hoped girls and women’s lives were getting easier and more open about these things but it’s maybe not the case.