Why was DM so weird about puberty, how do I move on?

[81Hannah81]

I started puberty relativley early I think, started developing about 9, face full of spots by 10, periods by 11. All in primary school basically.

DD1 is 8 now so getting to that age, and when I look back at my experience it seems like my mum just completely abandoned me and it's actually really affecting how I feel about her.

She never told me about puberty, periods or any of it; I was so freaked out and ashamed when I started my period I didn't know I was meant to tell anyone so I didn't have proper sanpro, just rolled up tissue in my knickers. She never mentioned me wearing a bra until she bought me a crop top when I was about 14 and was pretty much fully developed (sorry if tmi).

I was only allowed one bath and hair wash a week, no face wash, no deoderant, I felt so disgusting and was ostracised and humiliated at school because I didn't know how, or have the means to look after myself properly.

If I think of sending DD off to school so sad and confused, with a bunch of tissue in her knickers, I'm just heartbroken. The thought of it destroys me. How could my mum have done that to me?

I don't see me and DD skipping in to M&S for some first bra ceremony, but I want to guide her, say what do you need, what can i get you? I just don't understand why my mum left me to deal with it all alone. It feels like she wanted me to suffer!

I self harmed for most of my teens and ended up in hospital when I was 17 - that seemed to snap her out it somehow, she suddenly seemed to be my mum again.

I've become quite preoccupied with this but can't talk to anyone irl because I feel so ashamed. Did anyone else go through this, or know why it happened? How can i get over it?

Bless you, mine was also weird but it happened to me much later, so better able to handle it.

@DemolitionBarbie whether she tried her best or not is neither here or there. People are allowed to discuss the things that hurt them if they like. But it goes against all my instincts to leave my child upset, uninformed and ashamed of their body.

My mum was similar (how many of us are there?! )

She was embarrassed and revolted by me hitting puberty and mumbled to my dad: you sort it. My dad then told me I might need some towels.

That was all.

So for years I used the smallest “towels” I could find in the house: face cloths, which I then maniacally tried to hand wash and dry when my mum was out (the word towels confused me)

She also told me knickers ought to be as clean in the evening as they were in the morning, so I also started hand washing my knickers before putting them in the wash.

This all had to happen in secret under a cloud of shame.

The worst was when my mum, a housewife, would not go out for days and I could not do my secret laundry project, and the cleaning lady pulled out a pile of dirty knickers I had stuffed in the back of a drawer.

My mum was furious, the shame of having a dirty daughter who was also a weirdo for stuffing worn knickers down the back of a drawer

I hated the cleaner for her smirking at me and giggling every time she saw me since and vowed to move away as far as I could when I finished school.

After a school trip incident when I bled all over the bed in a hostel, I learned to use tampons (thank you Lillets for a simple add with instructions in a magazine)

But I still think that somehow there was something wrong with me (dirty, disgusting) when I KNOW it was not my fault. The shame is too deep rooted now...

Pikachu not dirty and disgusting, you were resourceful in the face of a conspiracy of silence. Your parents carry the shame.

First in year to start, aged 10, so absolutely no knowledge about it. No other girls to talk to as they hadn’t started yet. Didn’t mention it to mum as we weren’t at all close, lots of hitting and nasty comments, so used to wash knickers and dry them on radiator behind wardrobe. Thought I was ill but it stopped after a few days so thought it had gone away. Then obviously got another one whilst at school and felt blood dribbling down leg as I sat in class. Feeling of terror! Spent the break that week sat on toilet dripping into toilet. Got blood on floor around my chair. Managed to wipe the spots up without anyone noticing. Bloody awful! Mum found knickers and silently gave me san pro. I worked out where to put them by looking at diagram on back. Awful feeling of shame and inconveniencing her. Horrible. Proceeded to have awful pains and very bad periods throughout life. Didn’t realise you could take neurophen for it as mother didn’t care/hated me.

This thread is so interesting. My mum was the same. It was as if me growing up disgusted her. She did make a comment once that I was lucky she 'allowed' me to use tampons as her mother hadn't let her. I assumed it was a generational thing, but I can't understand wanting to punish your own child for something you've been through. When i hear of stories like this I wonder if there are many people who didn't want to have children and just did it because it was the done thing, then resented them for it.

Luckily for me I had a great primary teacher who told us all about it and answered any questions, as well as keeping a stock of sanpro for anyone who needed it. Lovely lady.

Just had a chance to read everyone's responses properly, i'm really surprised there are so many of us.

The stories really resonated - having a tub of water in the wardrobe to soak my knickers, I'd forgotten that until today.

We weren't particularly poor I don't think but we didn't have a proper shower you could stand under till 1995/96 I guess. Before that we had an emersion heater which got clicked on on Sunday nights.

I don't think I'll ever talk to my mum about it, we don't have that kind of relationship and like a PP, I think she'll either deny it or blame me and I would find that even harder.

The shame does run very deep, I still feel disgusting at my core. But what gives me hope is that so many of you seem to have done so much better for your own daughters which is what I want to be able to do.

I understand how you feel. My mum once told me I could ask her questions about puberty but she was awkward and I was shy so it was a non-starter so I just borrowed my friends book instead. It took me a day to tell her when I first got my period because I was so embarrassed. After I told her she said she would get me some sanpro when she did the shopping the next day. What was I supposed to do in the mean time? Nothing was offered. I used rolled up toilet paper.
My younger sister came home from school in tears after learning about periods for the first time in year 6.
My mother was raised by an emotionally disconnected mother so I think she couldn’t bring herself to be open and normal about growing up.

I suppose it's not so long ago that periods were seen has unclean and shameful. You couldn't attend some churches while menstruating. I guess if a woman is brought up feeling that way and no one tells her any different then she will pass those feelings on to her daughters. it is different now, take that "get them up there girls" ad which personally I find a bit much, but after reading this thread maybe something like that is needed as it still appears that there is some discomfort around the subject even amongst women of this generation.

Same here. Only information I got was from friends and the rather coy advice in Jackie magazine.

Dm told me I would get “it” once a month. Being clueless, I didn’t twig that meant every 28 days or so, and thought that if, say, I had a period on 1 August, then I’d have the next one on 1st September etc etc. Obviously I was constantly being caught out. Like others, I’d try to wash my knickers and dry them before putting them in the wash. I also stuffed used sanitary towels in the tank which was in the bathroom (eeuugh). Actually I wonder if they are still there - or perhaps the people who bought the house had a horrible shock...

There seems to be a division between women who treated their daughters to shame and fear because possibly that’s what they experienced (but never spoke of it so how would we know) and women who were determined their own children would feel supported and nurtured.
Why do some break the cycle and others don’t?

Understanding of periods is an issue as well, if you’ve only ever experienced a light flow and never discussed it with anyone you might think your daughter would be the same.

My parents were/are fantastic is so many ways and we have a very loving relationship BUT they were also absolutely rubbish about this stuff. Growing up we did not discuss bodies, puberty, sex etc at all. I had a paper round so from 13 could buy san pro, deodorant and bras in secret. I had to work it all out myself and it led to some very poor decisions as a young adult.

My mother's job involves teaching children about sex and relationships and she is amazing at it, so I haven't got the faintest idea why it was so weird at home

I do think parenting was very, very different in the 80s and 90s, but it isn't an excuse for not even sharing the basics with your children.

So sad to read how many women experienced the same as me.

Never had any kind of chat about periods or growing up with my Mum. Missed The Talk at primary school as I had cramps. Started period when I was 10. Did the whole toilet paper in the knickers thing.

School sent home a trial pack of sanpro that had been handed out at school during The Talk. That was my only supply.

As with others, had a bath once a week, but my Mum would come in the bathroom with me for a strip wash each morning. Trying to get clean when I was on my period was impossible with an audience. We had no bin in the bathroom so I flushed the towels down the toilet. This eventually came back to haunt me when the drains blocked and my Dad cleaned them and shamed me for flushing towels down the loo.

No deodorant, no bra, with greasy lank hair. It was awful. Eventually I started wearing a tshirt under my school shirt as I had comments about my chest developing from teachers and friends' parents, but still no bra. Eventually my Mum measured me for one with much cringing and I was a 36C aged 12.

I had horrible heavy periods and could flood through a towel in a single 40 min lesson. I never worked out that my period was every 28 days and not once a month. I was always getting caught out. Terrible period pain and was normally in the sick room at school with a hot water bottle at least one day a month.

My stand out memory is when we went on a school trip and my period started while we were there. I had spent a couple of hours with loo paper in my pants before I awkwardly confided in a friend. Her mum was helping out with the trip and had a little washbag in her handbag with spare pants and towels. I was so shocked that a Mum would be so thoughtful and carry that just in case. It was my first glimpse into how other parents behaved.

I had “the talk” with dd - but also made sure she saw me buying pads/deodorant and of secreting them away. For good measure I also bought a book for her to examine at leisure. I think pubescent kids are naturally a bit awkward about things, even in the most laid back of families, and need that extra bit of privacy.

Wow. My Mum was similar. I also agree that the shame is hideous.
I also only had a bath once a week, once overheard a friend saying I smelt bad, I have a catalogue of instances where I just felt disgusting. This has stayed with me and I am obsessive about this stuff now. I know we all washed less then but for me it was the shame and secrecy which has impacted my mental health massively. I have resolved to be different with my own kids but it is really hard and I constantly feel like I am failing.

I don't know if it's reassuring or sad to hear people having the same experiences I had.

My DD is tiny, but I'm well aware that I need to get over my shame and embarassment around periods, how did those of you with older DD do this?

Catapult it’s more it being a part of everything, feelings, bodies, boundaries, talk about as much as possible and listen with as little judgement as you can. Have books about bodies from an early age, sanpro in the bathroom, just make it normal.
My daughters are older now, they didn’t always share everything with me, they have a right to their privacy, but they never had to ask for things, they were always there.

I've not RTFT yet OP, but am marking my place as this is exactly how my mum was with me.

I was born in the 70s. I'm 46 now.

My mum was one of the prurient brigade. She was obsessed with commenting on "development" and wanting to know all the details. In contrast I was (and am) a very private person. I was also 9/10 when i started puberty and 11 when my periods began.

My mum seemed angry and resentful that I didn't want to tell her all the details. She seemed to expect me to go to her each and every period and discuss the flow etc. Only then would I be given an allotted share of pads. I was mortified and did not provide the monthly "reports". I soon ran out of pads and had to use loo roll. I did give her the benefit of the doubt and thought she might not realise how regular I was. However then one day she brought it up at the dinner table in front of the rest of the family and mocked me for using toilet paper because I "couldn't be bothered to ask".

Similar with my first bra age 10. I was mortified at having to have one so long. When we got back from the shop I was sent upstairs to put it on and she told my younger sister to sneak in and see me struggling with it. I turned around and they were both there sniggering at me. It was as if I was being punished for my desire for privacy which she took as a personal affront.

Strangely despite her obsession with knowing about/ discussing all about puberty, sex was a complete taboo. I didn't need to know anything because it was only for married grown ups. I was told I could not have a boyfriend until I was 16 and even then I should only see them within a group of friends and "no pairing off". Any girl who had unmarried sex was "dirty" and would never find a husband. (I did have boyfriends, and sex, from my late teens but had to sneak around and it was miserable).

I have a daughter and she's still only little but I am going to do it so differently - make sure she has all the information and supplies she needs and she can be as open or private about it just as she chooses.

Maybe talk to your mother in a non accusatory way? It could have been your DM was having major problems of her own at the time. Or had a bad experience with her own mother?

How awful for you. I asked my daughter what type of san pro she wanted and got it for her. bought her Always as they seem to work well. She used to give them to her friends as well if they were caught short. It was amazing how many mothers didn't give their daughter's decent or any products. I made sure she had plenty in stock.

@Catapultme oddly I don't feel shame when I'm talking to my DDs about it - like it's just part of life, totally normal. The shame is inside me and is more about having been neglected and how people must have known, rather than actually feeling any shame about periods and boobs now.

@Vintagegoth i think this is exactly it, catching a glimpse of how caring other mums could be was a killer. I remember a friend's mum looking at me with real pity and can still remember crushed i felt.

@Catapultme Sorry, I didnt mean to sound judgmental at all, if it reads that way - I just mean that that part of my shame kind of melted away when the topic has come up with my girls. I totally understand though that you're still feeling it x

@puzzledpiece can't speak for the OP but I have zero desire to discuss any of that stuff with my mother. And I don't think a parent having a hard time is justification for neglecting such a huge and difficult part of their childhood and if she tried to pass it off as such, I'd be pretty angry.

This is so sad to read. My mum wasnt coy about it but made me feel embarrassed about being a late developer. She was strangely negligent in many ways and didnt buy me deodorant or sanitary products. I must have bought my own/got lots of free ones from school.
I've chatted about it with my 2 who are still young but am dreading when they start as itll stir up a lot of things for me and I know my older one will struggle (hates blood and v sensitive to any pain).
But I think about how I'll look after them and make sure theyve got everything they could possibly need.
I agree counselling might be good to explore, and possibly resolve, some of your feeling around this.
I know when I had kids (both times) it stirred up a lot of "how could they" type of feelings.