Why was DM so weird about puberty, how do I move on?

[81Hannah81]

I started puberty relativley early I think, started developing about 9, face full of spots by 10, periods by 11. All in primary school basically.

DD1 is 8 now so getting to that age, and when I look back at my experience it seems like my mum just completely abandoned me and it's actually really affecting how I feel about her.

She never told me about puberty, periods or any of it; I was so freaked out and ashamed when I started my period I didn't know I was meant to tell anyone so I didn't have proper sanpro, just rolled up tissue in my knickers. She never mentioned me wearing a bra until she bought me a crop top when I was about 14 and was pretty much fully developed (sorry if tmi).

I was only allowed one bath and hair wash a week, no face wash, no deoderant, I felt so disgusting and was ostracised and humiliated at school because I didn't know how, or have the means to look after myself properly.

If I think of sending DD off to school so sad and confused, with a bunch of tissue in her knickers, I'm just heartbroken. The thought of it destroys me. How could my mum have done that to me?

I don't see me and DD skipping in to M&S for some first bra ceremony, but I want to guide her, say what do you need, what can i get you? I just don't understand why my mum left me to deal with it all alone. It feels like she wanted me to suffer!

I self harmed for most of my teens and ended up in hospital when I was 17 - that seemed to snap her out it somehow, she suddenly seemed to be my mum again.

I've become quite preoccupied with this but can't talk to anyone irl because I feel so ashamed. Did anyone else go through this, or know why it happened? How can i get over it?

I can’t believe that some of your mums are not much older than me and behaved like this to you. There’s no excuse for it.

So sorry to hear about everyone's experiences. Aged 50 (and with three daughters) , I too have been thinking about my experiences of puberty. My mum was pretty useless....she gave me a pack of enormous sanitary towels when I was 10 or 11, but that was it.

Luckily I was a very late developer, so by the time I needed a bra and started my periods, I could sort myself out. I pretty much knew what to expect, thanks to friends. I bought all my own tampons and towels and never discussed anything with my mum.

I try to be much more open with my daughters, though I'm sure I could do better. There are some great books available too...one called 'Open' is very good.

Years ago there was not the openness that there is today

Bollocks, OP is 39, we're only talking about the 1990s here, not the 1950s. No excuses for such poor parenting.

You are definitely not alone. I was told nothing about puberty and periods. My first one happened when I was sharing a double bed with my little sister, and brother in the same room, on holiday. Woke up covered in blood and thought I was dying. I was never given sanpro, just searched mum's room till I found it and disposed of them by squashing them into an old tin in a bedroom drawer. It was awful. Took me several years to get over the trauma.
Unfortunately repression and shame can get transmitted down the generations, so I don't blame DM and took a completely open approach with DD.

Exactly Gracie.

we're only talking about the 1990s here, not the 1950s
The issue is that the mums concerned DID grow up in the 50s and 60s though, so they replicated their own experiences with their daughters in the 90s. I know for a fact that my mum wasn’t told about stuff, she was just given a packet of Dr Whites and a load of old wives tales about why you can’t wash your hair or shave your legs.

I remember watching an episode of Call The Midwife with my DM when it first began and she said how awful it was that ‘those sort of things’ just weren’t discussed in those days. I remember feeling incredulous because they weren’t discussed by her in our days either! Selective memory is amazing.

Reading the OP's experience reminded me of my mum telling me about hers - only recently, and she was born in the 1930s.

If we knew the answer why some people only replicate the poor parenting, or worse, and others try to be so much better (as thankfully my DM did) then I guess we could solve many more family problems in society.

You have struck a chord with me and I have two DDs and am terrified of the same happening with me and them, I'm not close to my
Mum at all.

My mum was a good mum and I am in my thirties so it isn't that long ago, but she bought me a couple of "teenager" books and that was mostly it, so I think it is generational. She did buy all the Sanpro for me and left it where I could find it but I can't recall ever having a conversation about periods, sex or anything intimate. I remember starting my period on holiday - I hadn't factored it in as I was irregular and had just started and I recall her being really pissed off with me, though could have been with herself or the situation In hindsight but I still felt deep shame about it. She also actively discouraged me from doing anything "too grown up" like shaving my legs, so I really struggled on with hairy legs a lot longer than I should have. I didn't really have many friends at school so I struggled for information. I hope that this is something that will disappear in this generation, or already has.

Op, I’m younger than you and my mom was the same, she never told me about periods, she asked for me to be removed from the sex education class at school so I had no education at all about puberty. My aunty got me a bra when I was 12 and I wore it every day until I was 15 and I got myself a new one with my pocket money. The only thing I’m thankful for, is that she had very heavy periods so always kept sanitary towels in the cupboard so I would just help myself to them when I came on but I never told her I was on.

The first time I had a period I didn’t know what was going on and told my mom who pulled a horrified face and told me to help myself to Sanpro and that was it.

Like you, we are not close now. We do get on but I would never talk to her about personal problems or Bras or anything like that.

It’s made me be the opposite with my children and words like puberty are said often and my kids ask my questions about sex in a very open way (my teen son has said he does find it embarrassing to talk about sex but he’s glad I’ve always used the correct words for body parts (Such as penis) when he was younger as it makes it less embarrassing now).

My daughter is going through puberty early and she’s always trying on bras/buying facial scrubs/looking for new sanpro as if it’s as normal as buying a new top.

My wife was treated like this by her mother. She went to school with hairy legs and got bullied for it. One bra bought reluctantly and worked weekends to buy her own cosmetics. I met her at 18 and she had so few clothes and shoes that we had to take her shopping so that we could go out.

I’ve since learnt all about my MIL and what a twisted narc she really is. Every encounter with the woman leads to feelings of frustration such is her personality.

Shudder.

Another loo-paper-in-the-knickers veteran here. I’m 40 and my mother is mid-80s. She told me about periods but in a way that I didn’t really understand. Her description of sex was literally that a husband and wife ‘put the parts of their bodies that are different together’... that was it. She never bought sanitary towels. Despite having an electric shower, washing machine and tumble dryer, I was allowed shower once a week and I had one school blouse which was washed weekly. The school jumper and skirt were washed once a month or so. She never bought me deodorant or any skincare.

Money wasn’t the issue, we weren’t that skint. I think it was a type of misogyny on her part, and a martyrdom that women are expected to put up with their lot. By contrast, when my brother had bad acne, she moved heaven and earth to get some special soap imported from Germany -this was late 80s so well before online shopping.

Ironically now, she comes to me for help and advice on getting products for incontinence, tena lady etc. And I have to say I resent it. I get her what she needs of course, but it does make me angry that when I was the vulnerable helpless one she didn’t do what she should have done.

In other ways, she was a very good parent. But not when it came to puberty.

Some terrible stories on here - I really feel sad for all the shame and embarrassment that has been heaped on girls' heads over the years.

I have to say though that I am 61, born in 1959, and I didn't experience any of this stuff about only having one bath a week, no toothpaste etc. My mother also explained about periods and made sure I had sanpro. I don't remember any of my friends having these issues either so I don't think it was as common as some people are making out. It certainly wasn't the norm in my experience.

Also, I never learned anything about hair removal. And my first bra was one I robbed from my mother- vastly too big for me, but I wore it constantly, never put it in the wash and just rinsed it in the sink myself. She never ever bought me a bra.

I'm sorry you went through that OP and it's so sad reading everyone's quite traumatic memories.

I started my periods at ten - I wasn't remotely body-conscious at that age and for some reason she wanted to put the first pad in my knickers to show me how and I let her. She later told this to all her friends while I was present and they all had a good laugh at a ten-year-old allowing her mother to see her undressed. Instant body shame in ten seconds. She used to walk around naked herself at home which is why I never saw a problem with it. There's a way to encourage more privacy/modesty as girls get older but being shamed by a group of adult women isn't it.

I also only ever had one bath a week as a child (in the 1990s!) and she didn't explain puberty to me but instead just said 'you have greasy hair' and 'you smell' as if it were some personal failing and not something normal that happens when you get older. I was a socially awkward child but it makes me sad how much amusement my mother used to derive from that sort of thing. I used to wash my knickers in the sink because I got heavy ovulation discharge and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me. There was no way I was going to mention it because I thought I'd be called disgusting.

On a lighter note, I used to read lots of very old-fashioned books - imagine my surprise when I told my PE teacher I had my period and I wasn't allowed to sit out or go for a nice leisurely walk around the grounds instead of playing sports!

My mum was very open with me & my sister. She explained & prepared us for becoming little women. She explained to us about periods, hygiene, shaving, boobs, body changes, checking your breasts etc. Feelings, emotions, friendships, sex everything. I'm so grateful to her for being like that with us.
We wasn't scared, we was prepared.

'How can I get over it?'

Break the cycle. Don't do to your daughter what was done to you if it had a negative after in you.

Another one who never had the ‘talk’, was given a magazine when I was 13 and told to read the middle pages. I already had my period at that stage and had been taking her pads, she obviously didn’t notice. I remember getting fitted for a bra some time later, I was well developed, they probably now would claim poverty if asked why they left it so late, I was a C cup. I remember having to ask for money to buy sanpro, was met with a huff and a puff....apparently I should’ve known when my next period was due and not to be running to her looking for ones. I remember steeping my bloodied knickers (to try and get rid of the mess) in my baby brother’s potty and getting berated for having them on show in the bathroom. I just had the conversation with my eldest dd 2 months ago and then she got her period, talk about good timing! I have another 2 that will require the chat as well but I will be open and honest with them, periods are nothing to be ashamed of, they’re part and parcel of life.

Hugs to everyone here who had a shit experience, just think we can learn from our past how not to period shame anymore.

I was the last in my class to get a bra. At age 14. I had needed them for a year or so, but continued to wear a vest. (crop-tops didn't exist then). My mother never mentioned to me about needing one, nor did my older sister, and I was too embarrassed to ask. Then one day she took me to M&S to be measured and fitted. She got me two, one cream, one white.

But I didn't know you were meant to wash them, and just alternated them for years. I had never seen my sister's in the wash, and mum didn't wear them, so I had no idea. I was about 16 when I visited a friend's house, who lived with her mum and two older sisters, and saw their washing-line. I was amazed and horrified and ashamed at my ignorance and lack of hygiene.
I began secretly handwashing them after that .

@MrsM1717

'How can I get over it?'

Break the cycle. Don't do to your daughter what was done to you if it had a negative after in you.

That’s not so easily done after some of the appalling experiences described here. OP and others may well feel they need to talk this through with a counsellor to address the impact this is still having.

My mum insists she was really helpful but she didn’t realise I needed a bra until I was 16 and she never bought me sanitary towels or deodorant when I needed them around 12/13 so I just had to use hers. I was always aware of periods so never had the talk as such and I just kind of got on with it.

When my daughter started her period she didn’t want to talk about it at all. She wouldn’t even let me give her a hug but she always had appropriate underwear!

My mother (now mid 70s) didn't have any 'talk' with me. She knew when the school was doing the talk; and when I got home afterwards, she asked whether I understood everything but in the kind of way that means "for goodness sake don't try to talk to me!" I was a bit luckier than others above, she put a pack of sanpro in my bedroom drawer for me to use and made sure that i never ran out (she worked at a chemist). But nothing was ever discussed.

Why not ask your mum what her own mother told her? It's a fair bet that it was worse and she was doing her best.

My mum was the same. I still remember how dirty and ashamed I felt.