Why was DM so weird about puberty, how do I move on?

[81Hannah81]

I started puberty relativley early I think, started developing about 9, face full of spots by 10, periods by 11. All in primary school basically.

DD1 is 8 now so getting to that age, and when I look back at my experience it seems like my mum just completely abandoned me and it's actually really affecting how I feel about her.

She never told me about puberty, periods or any of it; I was so freaked out and ashamed when I started my period I didn't know I was meant to tell anyone so I didn't have proper sanpro, just rolled up tissue in my knickers. She never mentioned me wearing a bra until she bought me a crop top when I was about 14 and was pretty much fully developed (sorry if tmi).

I was only allowed one bath and hair wash a week, no face wash, no deoderant, I felt so disgusting and was ostracised and humiliated at school because I didn't know how, or have the means to look after myself properly.

If I think of sending DD off to school so sad and confused, with a bunch of tissue in her knickers, I'm just heartbroken. The thought of it destroys me. How could my mum have done that to me?

I don't see me and DD skipping in to M&S for some first bra ceremony, but I want to guide her, say what do you need, what can i get you? I just don't understand why my mum left me to deal with it all alone. It feels like she wanted me to suffer!

I self harmed for most of my teens and ended up in hospital when I was 17 - that seemed to snap her out it somehow, she suddenly seemed to be my mum again.

I've become quite preoccupied with this but can't talk to anyone irl because I feel so ashamed. Did anyone else go through this, or know why it happened? How can i get over it?

I'm amazed at how common this was. My dm did make sure I had Sanpro thank god and there was a small talk about periods and I was given a book about puberty. Still I remember it wasn't something I could just mention naturally to dm. I still felt ashamed of myself and embarssed. I envied friends with an close relationship with their mum's. I always felt I had to hide Sanpro in the bathroom. I think dm had already been through the menopause. And I just remember feeling ashamed and ugly. When we went clothes shopping i always felt fat and humiliated. She used to walk around stretching the fabrics with her hands as if to see if it would stretch to fit me. It was weird and not enjoyable or bonding.

This is such a sad post and sadly not the only time that I've read stuff like this on MN

I suspect that some cases of period poverty are actually girls denied sanpro because of their parents being fucked up. The word poverty conjures images of not being able to afford sanpro but lack of access is a different kind of poverty.

My kids have known that women have periods from the times that they noticed blood in the loo or they were an age where they had to come in the loo cubicle with me and they were curious about the sanpro bin. I also had to explain to stop my son playing with the sanpro. Once they knew that the blood wasn't like an injury and painful they were fine with that. Kids take their queues from the adults in their life and if you're matter of fact then they will see it as no biggie.

When my dd did get her period I obviously did warn her about cramps and discomfort but she'd compared notes with friends and seen memes etc about periods (the woman with a hot water bottle and chocolate lying in bed sort of thing) so was fine.

My DM was very clear about puberty and periods, but that was a direct reaction to her childhood. She was very open about the fact that she'd started when she was 11 and thought she was dying as my Grandma had told her nothing. Fortunately it happened when she was at school and a nice teacher gave her a sanitary belt and pad and explained what was happening.

Really interesting reading these accounts. I’m 47, mum is 75. She vaguely explained things to me but bought me the cheapest nastiest pads, did not let me remove body hair, bath only once a week and clean uniform once a week too. She also made such a fuss of my periods, and never believed the pain I suffered. Like so many others I’m totally opposite with my DD ! She is yet to start but is hopefully all prepared and will talk to me about it all.

I remember when I was 8 my mum gave me the periods talk, showed me how to use ST and gave me my own hairdryer, which for some reason made me feel grown up. She had had a hysterectomy by the time I started at 12 and I would have rather the ground opened up and swallowed me whole than talk to her or anyone about it. The irony that I'm now a biology teacher and teach puberty and menstruation and it doesn't phase me is not lost on me.

My Dd is tall so I had a chat with her at about 8 as I expect her to start early. She's 10 now and she's starting to develop so it won't be much longer, she's not shy and often asks questions and we've talked about SanPro options particularly as she's a swimmer. We have some teens disposables in the bathroom cupboard ready as they are smaller in size and she knows to tell a teacher if it happens at school. Then she says she wants reusable like I use and period pants so if she leaks it doesn't matter, I'll get these when I know what size she needs.

I think some women of our mums generation were perhaps left to their own devices themselves, my own mums mum died when she was a tween in the 70s so she probably didn't know about periods and watching shows like Call the Midwife etc periods don't really seem to be discussed. Not that it makes it OK. The teens I teach tend to be very open about the subject so I think times are changing.

I suspect many of our mums were in their turn given screwy ideas about their bodies. My unforgettable chat with my DM went approximately:

Me: ‘I just went to the loo and there was some blood.’

DM ‘oh.....that’ll happen from now on....,once a month.....don’t wear white.’ Long pause. ‘I sent off for a leaflet for you but it never came.’

Bless her socks! Like many other pps it seems, we had weekly ‘bath night’ in our house which meant my hair not getting washed as often as greasy adolescent hair should have been - and the acne! It took me putting my foot down to be allowed to wash my hair more regularly. It was generational attitudes, I think. My parents genuinely didn’t get it that a pubescent girl needs a daily shower

Such terrible stories of heartbreaking neglect.

Dreadful.

That's so shit. It's no wonder you feel how you do.

Mine bought me a book which covered puberty, etc, so I could read through it in my own time. She also always over bought sanitary products (pads and tampons), deodorants etc and stuck some in my drawer so I always had them and never needed to ask. No limits on how often to have a shower (just didn't let me have bath bombs in the bath due to the glitter and the fact I was a messy pig and would never have cleaned the bath after- which I think is fair enough!)

We never needed to have 'the chat' as I was fairly clued up and she trusted my judgement.

Naively, I assumed that this was fairly standard when I was a young teen. It's utterly heartbreaking that so many girls were left to just figure it out, often with no real means of purchasing sanitary and hygiene products themselves, anyway.

I know it's no consolation, but at least your daughter won't have to go through it. You'll be a fab mum and make sure she always feels supported and comfortable. I hope you feel better about things soon.

Some of these are stories of abuse, never mind neglect 😢
I’ve realised that there are some tings I need to sort out before DD gets much older (as in my response to not having the best experience myself), but I feel fortunate in comparison to some previous posters

My mum was crap at these things too. I remember hiding my knickers back in my knicker drawer that had discharge on them as I had no idea what discharge was and was too embarrassed to put them in the wash. My mum found them and screamed at me that I was disgusting.

I also felt humiliated having to ask her to buy me a bra at 12/13 - I developed big boobs really quickly and she pretended not to notice.

She also found my pill at 16 in my room and instead of talking to me about it had just cleared the rest of the rubbish out of my handbag and placed them back.

Writing this feels alien because we have a good relationship now, she's not my best friend but we are close ish. She was a poor single mum and certainly didn't get everything right. It's a lesson for me and I know I'll treat my own children differently.

I actually hated my mum trying to discuss this stuff.

Main issue was she was just plain wrong about much of it. I was a bookworm as a kid and read anything and everything, so was frighteningly well informed.

She started when I was about 9. “It might be your period”. Every stomach ache, every time I felt sad, every time i got cross, every time I didn’t want to eat, every fucking thing was put down to my period. She’d discuss it with all the moms at ballet about how we’d cope with periods and leotards.

I was 9, with no hint of development at all. I just wanted to scream of course it wasn’t my fucking period, i was 9 with no body hair, no breast buds, or any other signs.

I could have had appendicitis and it would be my period.

In the end i started developing around 13, and started my periods just before 15.

I'm only 9 years older than you and washing was never restricted in my house. That seems very strange. Unless you were very poor and couldn't afford heating etc?

My experience of puberty was similar to yours but not as bad. My DM never spoke to me about periods /sex/growing up. I learnt all I knew (mainly misinformation) from the school playground. After I started my periods (didn't tell her, I felt dirty and bad) she did start to leave sanpro in my drawer-huge thick towels about the thickness of an entire toilet roll- and left deodorant for me. Bras appeared too, not my choice in style and never measured so I spent my teens wearing the wrong size. Nothing else, no chats, I grew up feeling embarrassed and ashamed of my developing body. Boys were a no-no too. We get on quite well now(I'm in my 40s) but I still wouldn't mention periods or even bras in front of her, weird as that sounds.

Our relationship has never had any depth and I blame her attitude to my teenage years for this. I was made to feel so embarrassed about sex etc that when I was pregnant with my first child I felt awkward telling her - never mind that I was in my 30s and had been married for 10 years!

I now have a teen DD myself and we have a very close relationship. We discuss everything with no embarrassment. She's perfectly happy to talk about sex and periods in front of her younger brother too.

I had to make myself be comfortable talking to DD about these things, it didn't come naturally for me, but I was determined she wasn't going to grow up with all the issues I did. In my opinion if she doesn't feel she can talk to me about absolutely anything as she grows up, then I have failed as a parent.

Hello OP.... this happened to me with my mum. She didn't encourage me with self care. I wasn't allowed hair cuts or even new clothes. And yup no deodorants. I feel so embarrassed every time I visit the dentist and they mention my gum disease and I just want to shout at them and tell them that it's a bit late to criticise me because my mother never took me to the dentist or change my toothbrush for months. My mother didn't tell me to buy a bra and my breasts were pretty huge and I feel so embarrassed when I meet the people who knew me then and to think that I would've jumped and bounced around in front of them with an unsupported chest. I am now blessed with two DD and I am not repeating what my mother did or rather didn't do.

Another here who had a difficult time with my DM. I'm 42 similar aged.

She was relatively open, and I was allowed to wash etc but san pro was definitely a bit of a weapon in her arsenal. She told everyone, when I had asked her not to, I was only just ten and mortified. Between 19 and my first job at 13 I relied on her remembering my supplies but they were often withheld for minor misdemeanours, and I was told to find a way to deal with it then. I was close to a neighbour and was frequently told if she's so lovely you can ask her. We are reasonably close now but I never forget that she's capable of being really quite mean if I don't toe the line. I have asked her about it but she either plays dumb or just denies it.

Reading this has bought up so many memories that I had clearly pushed down! I started my period at 9 and like most of you I used loo roll, she found out a year later, told me I wasn't to use the tampons or I'd die 🤔 and gave me the cheapest sanitary towels... Our relationship swiftly went downhill after that as I was raped at almost 12 and she told me I was a liar (whole load of lies from "family" agreeing with the boy (15))... Accused me of flirting with her drug dealer who was 17 and i was 15...
I swear my daughter will never have to go through this sort of crap and neither will yours 💐

It's funny because I think I have a good relationship with my Mum, but (and despite being relatively young) she was and is very funny about this stuff. I wonder if she was just left to it growing up and therefore did the same with my sister and I, but it seems strange because my grandma was a nurse and very open about most things.

I remember being shell shocked when I first learned about periods at school, aged around 10. I tried to go home and talk to my mum about it but she brushed off my questions. Before that, I'd innocently asked where babies come from, and just been told, "oh I think we have a book that tells you about it," and that was that. I did actually find the book, but had no idea what any of it meant.

I remember at about 12 when we moved house, my mum vaguely saying that sanitary towels were in the cupboard - but that was it. When my period started at age around 13, I was too embarrassed to say anything; I used to try and sneak sanitary towels from said cupboard and hide any stained knickers. When my mum eventually found the stash of knickers, she just sighed and said, "oh dear!" in a disgusted way. I did eventually just start buying my own stuff, but I can't remember what age. I went on holiday with a friend at 16 and had my period while away and was again too embarrassed to tell them I needed to go to the shop, because that's how I was used to being (luckily my friend also got hers and then we shared, or else I don't know what I'd have ended up doing). I didn't own proper bras until after 16, just used to wear crop tops, although at least was pretty flat chested anyway. My mum wouldn't discuss them before that.

But body hair was the worst thing. At age 14, I remember having to beg for a razor to shave my underarms and legs, and being made to feel like I was being totally unreasonable. She responded that my sister hadn't had anything until she was 16 when she got an electric razor for her birthday. But my sister is on the autistic spectrum and used to happily go around with extremely long underarm hair on display and seemingly without a care - she was very alienated at school. My sister and I both also had terrible skin as teenagers, especially my sister, and we were allowed basic cleansers but there was never any more help given.

Like I said, in other respects we are close, but she is just strange about these things. She had a letter about a doctors appointment out a few years ago and I casually asked what it was for, only to get a very hostile response of, "a smear test, if you insist on knowing!" Again, some kind of feeling of shame associated with it.

Also I am only 28 & my mother 54.

Although I had an older sister they didn't tell me and neither did my mum. I knew nothing about periods until I watched the film at school. When I came home mum said 'did you see the film today? do you have any questions? I said no, and nothing more was said. Likewise with sex she never mentioned it at all.
When I started at 12 I didn't tell my mum for about 6 months or more, I used tissues or took stuff from my sisters room. One night I flooded my pyjamas and put them in the washroom in a bucket of water in the middle of the night. The next morning mum said 'so you have started then? I thought you might soon as there were dribs and drabs on your knickers' She bought me some pads and I used to ask her when I needed more but she never discussed it with me at all.
When she finally agreed to buying my first bra it was a 32B. I grew quite quickly after that and was forever berated for being 'top heavy'.

We had a weekly bath night as well. We had a coal fire and could only afford to heat the bath water once a week. This was by no means common at that point in time - most houses had gas combi boilers and electric showers (I loved visiting my Aunty because she had an electric shower and she would let me use it while I was there). Clothes got washed once a week because my mum only got the washing machine out once a week. It was a twin tub that had to be dragged out of the garage and connected to the kitchen tap with a hose, and my mother had to stir the laundry around inside with a stick.

I was bullied at secondary school because I smelled due to the once-a-week bath and clothes washing. It was mostly due to poverty and lack of facilities though. Even though it was only 25 years ago it was a different world! I distinctly remember 1996 because we got an electric shower and I was finally able to get washed on a regular basis.

Wow this thread has really struck a chord with me too. I am the same age as you and grew up with a mum who didn’t really talk about sex or puberty, but did buy me a book I used to sneak and look at in secret from the living room bookshelf,. I was the eldest of 4 and a late developer & was never given any allowances for being older than my younger siblings. For example sharing a bath / bathroom and being made to feel silly about not wanting to get undressed in front of them at 12 or 13 as I hadn’t remotely developed. I didn’t get boobs or start periods until what felt like the last girl in my year at about 14. Period at 15 I think. I was so deeply shy and ashamed and just hid behind baggy jumpers. I felt so different to everyone especially the popular pretty girls who had BFs or were talking about sex. I can remember trying to explain to my mum how embarrassed I was about my Totally flat chest at about 13 when we had school swimming lessons and asked if I could have new swimming costume & she just completely dismissed how I felt. I can remember sobbing with shame. I never had deodorant either (you don’t need that!) and used to sneak one of hers from the bathroom in my gym bag to try to fit in. She bought me a pack of pads when I first started but then I can remember being really embarrassed and not asking for more and using loo roll as they were quite light anyway. If I did use pads I hated putting them in the bin so people would see so I used to keep them rolled up in my drawer and then burn them in the fireplace! I never spoke to my sister about periods either. She probably started soon after me as was a much earlier developer. I can clearly remember one of her friends coming over to play and her lovely (v young mum) telling my mum that she was on her period so there was a pack of pads in her bag etc and being so jealous that she was open and so embarrassed I hadn’t started and was 2 years older. Wow... The shame, it’s all coming back to me now. She did take me to get a bra fitted at about 15, I was just desperate by that point to have straps showing under my white school shirt and a tiny bit of ‘shape’ I’m still very small chested so didn’t need one and my mum would just say what are you going to put in it? if I asked. My own DD is 7 and I know she will be a late developer (very slim & tiny like i was). I’ve already started thinking about how I’ll support her and be open, we talk about everything.. but equally I don’t want to push my own insecurities from late puberty on to her. Strangely I have a good relationship with my Mum now. Not deep but very supportive through pregnancy and motherhood. She just had a very prudish upbringing and impersonal relationship with her mother I think. Wow writing thus and reading this thread has been quite cathartic. Thank you OP

Oh and I was another with terrible skin just expected to put up with it as that’s what teenagers get. I also remember being so embarrassed about buying my first mascara (and then keeping it hidden) at about 14/5 when half of my class wearing full face make up years before me. So strange thinking about it now. My mum would have thought it garish & unnecessary. I felt I needed to hide everything about ‘growing up’ even though I was so late developing. Like PP have said I just want my own DD experience to be the opposite of mine.