Why was DM so weird about puberty, how do I move on?

[81Hannah81]

I started puberty relativley early I think, started developing about 9, face full of spots by 10, periods by 11. All in primary school basically.

DD1 is 8 now so getting to that age, and when I look back at my experience it seems like my mum just completely abandoned me and it's actually really affecting how I feel about her.

She never told me about puberty, periods or any of it; I was so freaked out and ashamed when I started my period I didn't know I was meant to tell anyone so I didn't have proper sanpro, just rolled up tissue in my knickers. She never mentioned me wearing a bra until she bought me a crop top when I was about 14 and was pretty much fully developed (sorry if tmi).

I was only allowed one bath and hair wash a week, no face wash, no deoderant, I felt so disgusting and was ostracised and humiliated at school because I didn't know how, or have the means to look after myself properly.

If I think of sending DD off to school so sad and confused, with a bunch of tissue in her knickers, I'm just heartbroken. The thought of it destroys me. How could my mum have done that to me?

I don't see me and DD skipping in to M&S for some first bra ceremony, but I want to guide her, say what do you need, what can i get you? I just don't understand why my mum left me to deal with it all alone. It feels like she wanted me to suffer!

I self harmed for most of my teens and ended up in hospital when I was 17 - that seemed to snap her out it somehow, she suddenly seemed to be my mum again.

I've become quite preoccupied with this but can't talk to anyone irl because I feel so ashamed. Did anyone else go through this, or know why it happened? How can i get over it?

@puzzledpiece I'm not going to talk to her about it, tbh I can't think of an answer she could give that wouldn't hurt, maybe even more than this confusion. She might well have been having a hard time, I accept that. But it feels like she opted out for a long time - i started developing at 9 and I cut my wrists when I was 17, that's such a long time to feel alone.

So sad that so many people have similar experiences, some of them not all that long ago my mum was them same and I'm only in my mid 20's so she didnt even have the excuse of it's a generational thing.

My mum had a very biological chat with me about what was going to happen, but nothing was explained in terms of how it would effect me practically. It didnt occur to me I would need to change pads quite frequently as I had a extremely heavy flow right from starting aged 12, and I frequently leaked all over my clothes and bedsheets and then had the stress and anxiety of trying to pre wash everything before putting it in the washing basket.

My mum always seemed to manage to buy her self products and never run out, but she only bought a tiny amount extra for me so I was forever running out, try being 13 and managing a heavy period at school with toilet paper . When I started my paper round I would buy tampons for my self but no one had ever explained you should buy specific products to cater for your exact needs so I just used to grab the first thing I came to off the shelf, thinking they were all pretty much the same.

I passed out at least twice during my period in my teens, once at school, no one ever thought to investigate it. In hindsight I think I was probably anaemic. My period were very very painful, I used to try hide in the back corner of classrooms sweating and shaking from the pain trying to pretend I was ok.

Despite being wierd over periods my mum was obsessed with my bras. I was always been taking to be fitted (34DD/E at aged 13) but my mum used to but me innapropratley sexy lingerie styles which were highly visible through my white school shirt. I specifically remember a cream and black lacy bra with polka dots, I got a right bollocking from a teacher for looking inappropriate and was teased endlessly by others for having large breasts, made more noticable by ridiculous underwear.

I vowed I would never be like this with my own DD (only a toddler). I nipped into the supermarket to buy tampons the other day, nothing else, and DD wanted to carry them so I let her, she carried them in from the car too which left DP a bit but I dont see it as anything to be embarrassed by any more so why should I hide them from her.

I have an older SD, and whilst it's not my place to have the talk, when she turned 7 I bought a couple of different packs of sanitary products aimed at younger teens and popped them in the bathroom drawer with mine just in case she ever needs them there needn't be a drama. It's likely a couple of years before she will but with girls getting there periods younger and younger I hate her not to have access to what ever she needs.

Some of these posts make me feel so sad and then angry as well, whilst my Mum wasn't an 'open' type of Mum I did always have sanitary towels available and bra's though I was never fitted she just used to guess size and I had to make do. Like so many of you on here I vowed to be so open when I had children, I have a DD and there is nothing she cannot talk to me about. And OP remember being open with your DD's will mean they will take that with them if they have daughters which can only be a good and positive thing.

Same here, sanpro not provided so had to use loo roll many times or buy my own from my paper round money. My friend's mum worked in the local chemist so I also had to walk 4 miles to the next town to buy from there. I would NEVER put my own daughters through that stress, they are a few years away from that but am going to make sure there are always plenty of pads and tampons etc to hand and try and make it a non-embarrassing subject to bring up. There have been a few threads on here about parents/mothers generally who just seemed to stop parenting when children got to a certain age maybe 10 and that was my experience and I feel this was part of that.

I think all what all these Mums have done is unforgivable abuse. They have watched you needlessly suffer and proactively intensified your shame in something that is normal and natural.

I don't have daughters but I have talked about all this stuff with my son since he was little. When he did school sex education at 10 he laughed because he told me that he already knew roughly triple what they taught him. I have answered every question he's ever asked me as honestly and simply as I can.

So many horrific experiences on here

I got all my education about puberty and sex from school, it was not discussed at home and DM was definitely embarrassed. Whilst I always had enough sanpro and deodorants (really feel for the posters on this thread who didn't get these ), I wasn't allowed to shave my legs (I am very hairy and was mercilessly made fun of for this) or buy a bra. I bought my first bra in secret from pocket money I had saved when out with a friend. When this was discovered it was a topic of fun for the whole family.
I was also almost certainly severely anaemic in my teens due to horrendously heavy periods. My 'grey face' was commented on but it was never suggested I should go to the doctors and I thought feeling dreadful all the time was something I just needed to put up with and get over.

There was also weirdness about clothes, and I never, ever had enough. We weren't poor, so I don't really understand it. I literally had one or at most two 'outfits' which were supposed to be enough. Try lasting two weeks on a French exchange with one set of clothes

This was only mid-1990s, do not really that long ago.
I am being totally open and honest with my DCs, I will make sure they have a better experience than mine.

So sad that so many of us had similar experiences, must have been a generational thing.

My mother was pretty useless too - I'm 51 and she's nearly 80 now. Periods were a big taboo in our house, I was never allowed to mention them in front of my two brothers or my father. Only allowed pads, and they were flushed down the toilet - she would have been horrified at the idea of them being binned.

My first period started when I was 13, on a Monday morning at school. It was a private Catholic boarding school that also took day pupils....I used to go swimming in the pool every day before classes. I noticed it when I went to get changed. Was somewhat in shock and thought it would just 'stop'. No sanpro on me, no money to get any from the dispensers in the toilets. Tried using tissue but the back of my dress still got stained. What still makes me angry to this day is that the teachers must have noticed the staining, and none of them did a thing about it.

I was so upset when I got home that night. The idea of being stuck with this every month for the next 40 years...I also wanted to use tampons (lived in Australia, so pads were horrendous doing PE during the summer) but my mother stupidly believed I'd no longer be a virgin if I did. I was 18 when I first bought some, my mother was so pissed off. Last time I stayed with her ( a decade ago) I left some in the bathroom. She made me put them in my suitcase as she didn't want my then 38 year old heterosexual brother seeing them when he visited...

Whilst my experiences of puberty was not nearly so horrendous as many of those who have posted here, I definitely felt ashamed of growing up and what was happening to my body.

I was lucky to have a more streetwise friend living next door, who opened my eyes about periods/boys/bras/makeup.

When I was 16 I met a new friends whose mother just loved having a teenage daughter, and seemed to enjoy it, whereas in my

@WhoKnew19 - same here with the extremely heavy periods. Mum just presumed they were supposed to be like that, as hers were. Just had to grit your teeth and get on with it. But my periods were much heavier, longer and more painful than those of my peers and I was put on Galfer iron tablets at various intervals. "It's part of life, get used to it." The huge uterine fibroids that were removed from me a few years ago weren't just "part of life".

But I was hugged and told I was becoming a woman when I went to her and told her my first period had arrived at 12, and was presented with various towels and panty liners. She didn't like tampons so none of those. Thankfully no shaming about blood on my underwear but some frustration when I leaked onto my bedding in case my brother saw anything.

She was supportive when she took me for my first bra at 11. I suppose I needed one before that but it was me who resisted - I ended up with a cream satin adult 32B bra. I resisted because I knew I'd be shamed for it. I was mercilessly teased in primary school when I wore it when getting changed for PE. I tried to hide it behind my shirt which I held in front of me but it was pulled away and I was mocked by a group of girls. Cue lots of pinging the back from horrible boys too. I really didn't want the huge boobs that she had but that's exactly what I got in time.

I suppose there was some embarrassment and shame - she came from an old fashioned Catholic family and such things weren't discussed. She did her best and didn't make me feel embarrassed but she only knew the basics.

agh, posted too soon...

...whereas in my home, being a teenager seemed to be something that was endured not welcomed. I'm still friendly with this person, and she has 3 teenage daughters and also has enjoyed having teenagers at home..this is a great inspiration to me.

This has made me realise how, as a parent, you get so many ugly messages from society about how "awful" teenagers are.

I'm doing my best to be open about puberty, and to embrace the changes in my children as they grow up.

Wow this thread has been a revelation to me. I thought I was the only one with knickers stuffed with tissues as a teen!

My mum also never mentioned periods, sex, puberty etc. It was a taboo subject in our house, if anyone mentioned sex on the TV or there was an advert for san pro, you could see her squirm in her seat.

I got most of my info on puberty etc from other kids at school and women’s magazines that I found lying around. But I had no one to talk to about what was actually happening to me and if it was normal, I suspected it wasn’t and there something wrong with me. When I got my periods at 13 I couldn’t talk to my mum about it, I know she would have died of embarrassment and I had a great deal of second hand shame from her. I managed without proper san pro for several years but even resorted to shoplifting it occasionally. The tissues where completely inadequate as I had a very heavy flow at that age and would often experience leaks, smells etc. I remember it as a terrible, stressful and shameful time. Trying to prewash blood stained knickers in the sink before any body noticed. Awful.

I think it still affects me to this day and I still have no idea what she was so embarrassed about or what she expected me to do.

She also didn’t buy me deodorant, razors or adequate clothes. Most of my school clothes were only washed about once a month and I distinctly remember my PE kit absolutely reaked! I was bullied unmercilously, of course .

I remember my mother giving out to me for getting blood on bedsheets and clothes, despite her never having bought me sanitary towels. It made me so ashamed then and now it makes me so angry.

Also strikes a chord with me. Gosh, it seems to have been so common. I read what I needed to know in a book at a cousin's house, I remember being v shocked and horrified by it all. Nobody to "normalise" it. Thanks heavens for my school friend with her lovely, open, American-born mum.
So, I have boys. They're still young but I do worry about how / when to talk about stuff, sex and then stuff like shaving / spots / voice so it's not a cringe-fest but they hear it from an adult.

My dd had a great book and one of the genius ideas was to use your socks if you were caught without sanpro.

I never spoke to anyone about periods when I was growing up. My DM bought regular Tampax but I needed super plus. I used to check the box the week before I was due and just pray she’d get more. School was a nightmare, dreading leaking. At least I had something though, I’m so so sorry to hear some of you had nothing.

I think a lot of the time the mothers weren't told themselves and then did not know how to 'tell' their daughters. This happened to my mum, when she first bled she thought it was cancer! But she did make sure I was told. I don't think she did a good job though and although we had bits of sex ed at school it was only that boy and girl babies were 'different' (strange dark brown almost sepia drawings. If you had no idea what the difference was, the drawing would not enlighten you. Girls got periods but that was glossed over.

I do remember mum handing me a Dr Whites, then she said to have a bath if I wanted to,. I remember an advert on the back of her Mills and Boons for something called Tampax, where it gave you confidence and you could swim whilst using. Cue me sitting happily in the bath and then watching as the towel disintegrated.......

She gave me a booklet which sounded great, if you got a tumy pain, mum put you to bed with a hot water bottle. Did she heck! "Welll you will just have to get on with it, we all do, until Menopause!"

When it comes to children's growing bodies, straightforward information and loving support can go a long way to eradicating unnecessary secrecy and shame.

I began to menstruate in my mid teens in the early 80s but never developed a regular cycle. So the talk of once a month bleeds from the PE staff at school went over my head, they also said that some level of pain was normal. I therefore carried on through my teens and early 20s with both painful and irregular cycles. Due to the pain experienced I was quite glad that my cycles were irregular.

My now elderly mum was both pleased and somewhat embarrassed when I showed her the leaflets on periods I came home from school with. She also advised me not to have a bath when I was having a period. She never talked to me about spots and hormones but I do note she bought some facial wash and cream for these. She guessed my bra size and I was also one of the last girls in my year to wear one.

I also got a hot water bottle to put on my stomach when my ongoing and severe period pains kicked in big time (all due to endometriosis, pity it took me till I was 31 to get that diagnosis mind you and it did affect my fertility). My mother had no idea what was wrong with me because she had not ever suffered like this with her periods. She did not take me to the GP though, probably because she thought I would end up on the pill or something. At that time I seem to recall the pill was associated purely with sexual activity. It did not occur to me to go to the GP on my own; such things at that time were not openly discussed.

Ahhh so many terrible stories, what a shame. My parents had plenty of weak spots but they weren’t bad on this. The hygiene aspects were deeply suspect - weekly baths is a bit gross and soaking soiled pants was stinky, but never short of gear thank goodness. My DD is 10 and clearly starting to change so really thinking about how I can best help her with all this.... to so many of you, 36c when you first get a bra, my god that is awful.

This thread is why I still love Mumsnet OP

Sharing these experiences and the shame is very helpful

For years I have beaten myself up for my weird secret knicker washing and trying to cope with periods, when really my parents let me down

Like a small scale ”it’s not your fault” scene from Good Will Hunting...

I don’t have daughters, but I mention periods to my teen boys, as they need to know it’s a normal part of being a woman

Some stories here are cluarly abuse and neglect but it seems deeper than that as well a societal norm at the time. What is it with the weekly baths? Is it something that stuck around from war years from their own parents? Mine were born in the 60s and both from large families and there own parents were born in the 20s, my paternal grandparents didn't even have running water in rural Ireland where they grew up. I wonder how much of these issues are a hang up from then.

We didn't have a shower (in fact I still don't have one) and bath night was Sunday and then as a teen I'd have one on a Wednesday as well as that was PE day. Now I have one everyday and DD also has one almost every day unless she has swim training as she'll shower there (precovid).

@sammylady37 my mum yelled at me for not throwing away my pads properly (I think one came unwrapped in the bin). But she'd never taught me anything about proper hygiene so how can she get mad if I didn't follow it?

I don't actually remember if my mother had 'the talk' with me. I know us girls had a talk about periods and sanpro when we were in middle school (10/11) I think. They gave us samples of lillets and we were shown various sanitary towels including ones with belts. This was in the mid 80's. I remember having sanitary towels that were as absorbant as a brick.
I was adamant that my kids would not be afraid to talk to me about sex and stuff. I ended up with 2 boys who are well aware of condoms etc.
When ds1 was little he found my sanpro and stuck them all over his bedroom. I left them until he went out and took them down and put what was left out of reach.
When ds2 was younger, he was sat on the toilet and he yelled that he was bleeding. I was on my period and for some reason only known to my toilet it didn't always flush properly, thats when he learned about periods.
My mother once asked me why I never talked to her about my problems and I told her it was because I was terrified she'd blame me.

We’re roughly the same age Attila, your mum would have been aware of Victoria Gillick no doubt!

@Pikachubaby yes me too. I don't really know what I was expecting when I posted this. I had spent most of yesterday crying because I couldn't hold it in anymore, but didn't have anyone to talk to. I needed to get it out somehow.

The empathy and shared experiences here have really touched me and actually had a profound effect. Thank you all. I'm sorry so many of us have gone through something similar, I hope this thread has been some help.

Gosh, Victoria Gillick, I'd forgotten about her @Fanthorpe.

I do remember my mum giving me a book to read while I was off school ill and although she told me, she was clearly uncomfortable.

I had a friend who's mum was a nurse who had given her lots of information, including diagrams, while she was in primary school.
This friend then passed on to all of us, which was a good job because this friend started her periods very young at around 10. I think I found out more from this friend than my mum.

I remember if you needed sanpro at school, it was a housebrick size pad and a couple of safety pins to secure them into your knickers.

Jackie was also good for information and by the time we were in secondary school, most of us girls' spoke openly about periods, sex and contraception.

I never had daughters, but I'd always been as open with my sons because they'd probably have gf or DW (which they now do) My son has even been and bought me pads after a procedure. My DP also buys sanpro for his DD's

It's something I've not thought about in years, probably because I never had a DD. I'm so glad times have changed. Roller blading adverts might have helped

I have to agree. As a 13 old with tissue in my knickers hiding them under my mattress (my mum found them and told me I was disgusting) I thought I was the only one. I wonder how many people in school were walking around exactly the same.

A colleague was talking about the whole 'period poverty' thing a few months back and she said she couldn't believe there are that many teens from families who can't afford pads. She was horrified when I told her my story. My parents could afford them but that didn't mean I would get them. It would have made my life so much easier if I could get pads at school.