Why was DM so weird about puberty, how do I move on?

[81Hannah81]

I started puberty relativley early I think, started developing about 9, face full of spots by 10, periods by 11. All in primary school basically.

DD1 is 8 now so getting to that age, and when I look back at my experience it seems like my mum just completely abandoned me and it's actually really affecting how I feel about her.

She never told me about puberty, periods or any of it; I was so freaked out and ashamed when I started my period I didn't know I was meant to tell anyone so I didn't have proper sanpro, just rolled up tissue in my knickers. She never mentioned me wearing a bra until she bought me a crop top when I was about 14 and was pretty much fully developed (sorry if tmi).

I was only allowed one bath and hair wash a week, no face wash, no deoderant, I felt so disgusting and was ostracised and humiliated at school because I didn't know how, or have the means to look after myself properly.

If I think of sending DD off to school so sad and confused, with a bunch of tissue in her knickers, I'm just heartbroken. The thought of it destroys me. How could my mum have done that to me?

I don't see me and DD skipping in to M&S for some first bra ceremony, but I want to guide her, say what do you need, what can i get you? I just don't understand why my mum left me to deal with it all alone. It feels like she wanted me to suffer!

I self harmed for most of my teens and ended up in hospital when I was 17 - that seemed to snap her out it somehow, she suddenly seemed to be my mum again.

I've become quite preoccupied with this but can't talk to anyone irl because I feel so ashamed. Did anyone else go through this, or know why it happened? How can i get over it?

My mum was like that. I remember having an accident and hurting my back. She said to me that the accident might make me start having periods. That was all that was said. I was open with my kids when they saw Sanpro in the bathroom I told them what it was for. I remember my son asking me what periods were and I just explained the facts. Just Treat it like anything else You teach your kids You don’t need to make a big deal of it. When my daughters started they just came and told me they wasn’t scared or embarrassed because they knew what it was.

I had a less bad but similar experience and still feel shame over it now. I remember when I started my period I had to show her and she cried. I was so upset with myself. There were other things too.
So not uncommon, which is awful. I wonder how it is for boys.

OP, what happened to you was awful but there really is no need for you to be ashamed. None of it is your fault and it seems, more widespread than I thought. Counselling may be helpful with your own feelings.

As for your DD, I'm sure you won't make the same mistakes. If you think she'll be quite early, make sure you get her a nice period pack (Lil Let make a very handy one, includes leaflets) and a book (recommend Usborne's What's Happening To Me) and read it with her. Be prepared well in advance so it's not a shock to her, and she feels she can talk to you about it.

Perhaps going through your DD's puberty "the right way" will help you deal with your feelings.

my dm was the same when I started I didn't know anything about periods and thought something was seriously wrong so showed dm my pants she shouted at me called me stupid and threw some pads at me if I wanted more I was not to ask but to write it on the shopping list. Until this point I didn't realise I had three holes thought all just one. It was finally my aunty who took me in hand and got me a book of facts and made sure I was protected when got a bf as mums reaction was to pretend her 15/16 year old was still 5/6!
With my dd we have a very open relationship and spoke about it all and when I started noticing changes so when she started she was already prepared and had a small bag of supplies on her at school. And she knows she can talk to me. My dm I still don't have the sort of relationship I can talk to her about things.

All these stories are so awful. Who’d do that to a kid. Try to remember that the shame is not yours, it was given to you by your mum. Horrible as that is. We also never talked about periods in my house. There was sanitary towels in the cupboard so I used them, which seems a lot more than lots of people had. But periods were definitely something not to be talked about.

OP, I’d try mentioning it to a friend if it comes up in conversation somehow. Don’t go in to massive detail if you don’t want, just something like ‘my mum wasn’t very good at all that kind of stuff’. I find with shame, that the best way to beat it is to let it out into the open. You’ve started that process here on this thread. Bit by bit so it’s not overwhelming.

My poor mum told me her story, similar to yours OP. She had no idea what a period was and was so scared and panicked when it arrived while she was at boarding school. She thought she was dying. Eventually a friend told her what was happening and helped her go to the nurse, where it was dutifully written down and tracked thereafter.
But she was never told how to wash properly and the other girls teased her and called her names.
It makes me so sad for her, and all the other girls who have found themselves alone with this change.

Thank you @auntieElle. It was crap and still has lots of present day effects. I feel sad that while I was in school so many adults could potentially have stepped in but it was overlooked so many times

I actually used a razor for the first time in lockdown as my waxer wasn't available, brand new head with gel and no nicks 😁. Moving out and away was the best thing I ever did, although I was guilted for it big time.

Similar here. Periods could not be discussed; I used to use tissues if I ran out of those massive sanitary pads (which was very, very often). I ended up skiving off school every month as the flow was too heavy for the tissues to cope with . Showers and baths were forbidden as they got the tiles wet (? Even now I can’t quite understand why that was a bad thing) so it was a stand up sink wash only - this was the mid-90s. I now have anxiety around personal hygiene and have to be scrupulously ‘clean’, and have recurring anxiety dreams about being dirty. I’m sorry this has happened to so many of us. I have a small dd so will check out the books recommended to prepare myself! I will add that I’m actually anxious that she’ll mention this to my mum- who would be disgusted and horrified.

Hi OP just wanted to add my mum was much the same. We were never allowed to mention the word sex, when my periods started there were never any pads for me and I didn't get pocket money to buy my own. Bath and hair wash was once a week and she didn't buy shampoo or bubble bath, we used washing up liquid so my long hair was always greasy and hard to brush. No deodorant or bra either. Going to school became a real nightmare. It wasn't until I got a little job at 16 that I went and bought myself some toiletries and my mum went ballistic saying were the family provisions not good enough for me? This was in the late 80s I might add!! I had a nervous breakdown at 15 and again at 17.

Fast forward to having my own DC - 2 girls and 1 boy. I made sure my eldest DD had everything she needed toiletries/bra/sanpro wise, it was HUGE for me to make sure her needs were met as I knew how bad I'd felt. Also when my DS needed to start shaving or needed acne treatment I made sure we had those things to hand. Now my youngest DD is 10 and starting into puberty already. So obviously everything is there for her as and when she needs it.

I honestly can't see what my mum's mindset was. We weren't well off but not poor by any stretch of the imagination. On the occasions I've mentioned it to her response has been a shrug and 'never really thought about it..' It's a bizarre response, like my puberty was of little consequence to her 🤷🏻‍♀️

When I was about 10 a sanitary bin was installed in one of the girls toilets but I had no idea what it was. My friend had to tell me. My mum never discussed anything about puberty with me. So when I learned that I'd bleed once a month I was horrified. I learned the rest from science lessons and school nurse visits. My first bra was bought, without me being there, from a pound shop in my local area. I started my first job on a paper round at 13 (after I got my period) so I bought my own sanitary towels. My mum was very embarrassed about it. That was in the 1990s. I was allowed a shower every 2-3 days though. I eventually got a bra that fitted properly, paid for by my mum but she didn't come with me, and she thought it was an extravagance.

So I had a different approach. I spoke to my daughter honestly about what happens when puberty starts. I found a couple of good books on the subject too. I took her to get a bra fitted properly. We have spoken about many of the things my mum was too scared to discuss with me. She showers as much as she likes. I think of it as a matter of health and safety. Essential knowledge.

You feel ashamed and I get that. Did you ever talk about this with your mum once you became an adult? I never did. I have also had MH issues partly because my parents, both of them, are so closed off. I had counselling after a bout of depression and anxiety, and it really helped. Good luck and woolly hugs

I think it was a generational thing. I’m a year older than you OP, and my mother was similar. She did buy me some sanpro but didn’t explain how to use it, or tell me anything about periods or puberty. I wasn’t allowed to have tampons, only pads, because that’s what she used. I wasn’t allowed to shave my armpits or legs because she didn’t shave hers. I wasn’t allowed to pluck my eyebrows because she didn’t pluck hers. She filled my head with fairy tales like “it’s dangerous to take a bath while you have your period”, and “if you shave and pluck it’ll grow back twice and thick”, etc. She made me go right though secondary school being bullied because of my smell and body hair. I was an adult before I got the nerve to ignore her instructions. I don’t think she was purposely evil - that was just how she had been raised back in the 50s.

Oh gosh, thank you all for sharing your stories. I'm so sorry we went through this.

@NotanotherboxofFrogs I'm so so sorry to hear this

I am 47 and my mother was the same (she is 70 now, is your mum a similar age?). I think it was because she was brought up to not talk about it and therefore simply didnt know how to have the conversation with me.

I think it was a case of "I coped so she will too" but I see it as "I didnt cope and I want to make sure my daughters never feel that way. She has said in more recent years that she wished she had been told more but doesnt seem able to acknowledge that she did exactly the same to me. Thanks to a couple of "girls in to the hall" lessons at primary school and Jackie magazine I had enough knowledge to know what to do and she just bought more pads each month when she realised I was using them too. Was never ever mentioned.

With my children, 4 DD's and 2 DS's, they have been talked about. Sanpro is kept in a basket next to the loos so not hidden away as they were when I was a kids. The girls and I all talk openly about it, because my other issue is STBXH would never even say the "p" word. "I dont need to know about it!" and I wont have my sons so fucking uptight about it.

My DM laughed when I asked for money to buy stuff after I started.

I knew what was happening and school covered it all and gave out free samples. I used that up before telling Dm and then when I did ask. I was so embarrassed and her laughter was awful.

I've never forgotten it and I dont think I've ever told her something personal again.

@KellyMarieTunstall2

Hi Op Reading your post struck a chord with me. Puberty was traumatic for me. I started my period at 12 and didn't know what was happening. A year before my DM had left a pack of enormous sanitary towels in my bedroom and that was it. No conversation or guidance. I felt disgusting and I was embarrassed and ashamed. It was an awful time. With my own DD who is 9 and starting to show signs of puberty, I'm open about everything. We talk about hormones, mood swings, periods the lot. I hope to get it right, make it easy for her. I hope you feel better about this in time OP.

You sound like a great mum. 💐 OP I’m so sorry you went through this. Your mum’s behaviour was abusive and neglectful. It’s awful to see how many other women went through similar situations. Although my step mother was an absolute witch, physically and emotionally abusive, she did explain about periods. There are clearly some lovely mums on here who are loving and empathetic 💐

My Dm just basically said "one day you will bleed" and that was it. I had no idea what she ment. I cut my foot a few days later and I thought that was it! I was bleeding.
She made asking for sanitary wear embarrassing. We still to this day do not talk about sex/periods or anything taboo!
My dd and I have a VERY open relationship. I never wanted her to feel how I felt. From a very young age I've never hidden periods from her. She's fully aware. And we have a little box of bits made up for when the event happens xx

My mum had a similar approach she bought me Sanitary towels but nothing else was discussed. In fairness she is a private person ( and still is) and it was just not her style. I know she would have been embarrassed and it doesn't bother me now.

I also don't really go to her for emotional support, we get on fine but we are not the typical close mother/daughter you often see. In fact I never saw any sanitary products in our bathroom. They were hidden away at the bottom of her wardrobe. I have packs in every bathroom deliberately!

I have chosen a different route with my 2 dds. They are still young but ask questions and I answer them honestly but age appropriately.

I think sex education should be many conversations and an open invitation to ask questions over many years. Including respecting your body and others bodies. I want them to trust me and to be able to come to me for support as teens and young people. They may not but I can try and set the tone early.

@NotanotherboxofFrogs oh my gosh I have to say that I wanted to cry, when I read your post. That is the saddest thing I've ever read. They neglected you so badly. They should have given you sanitary towels, toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, flannel and washed your uniform regularly. That's just part of basic parenting. That must have really affected you. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Did you manage to get your teeth fixed?

My own mother was weird about this and is now being weird about my DD. Seemed to take a prurient interest.
This is such an excellent description of my mother. Asking me if my eldest has started her period & constantly commenting that she is “developing” 🤢 sometimes feels like she’s sizing her up to sell her off or something. Very weird

OP I had such a revelation about my own mother’s crappy treatment of me during puberty (I knew all the biology but was told off for starting my period at the wrong time etc etc)because of a chance conversion with a few friends. We were discussing our daughter’s impending periods & told our own tales - they were all horrified by mine & very sympathetic which was weirdly hugely comforting! I know you said it was too hard to speak to anyone but it would be great if you could listen to others- could you ask your friends how they remember their first period/puberty wrt getting prepared for your daughter?

My mum started to tell me about periods but we were interrupted and she never continued and I hadn't understood what she was trying to say. When I started she sighed and gave me some pads, but never mentioned it again and didn't continue to buy me any. Occasionally I sneaked some out of her wardrobe but mostly I used loo paper. Maybe she thought I was buying them myself, but I would have been way too embarrassed to ask for this at a chemist. Can't remember if I had the money anyway.

The really funny thing is, she's a nurse! And not a bit shy about her own body.

My mother was told nothing at all. Her first period was a massive shock and she got zero conversation from her mother before and after. She made sure my sister and I didn't go through that in the sense that I was given the body book at a young age and I understood what was going on to a decent enough level when I started. But little conversation.

My DD is nearly 10 so I've bought her the usborne book but I've never really hid things either thanks to having to share loos at times! I assumed my dc realised until the other month when DS (8) said I sometimes poo in my knickers. So I've had a chat about bleeding recently with him too. Very glad we're in lockdown and he didn't announce that in public

Not really sure how you can get over it other than to make sure your own dc don't go through the same.

I'm so sorry to hear all these stories, and didn't know it was so common.
OP, no need to be ashamed. Absolutely none. It wasn't your fault.

A lady at work orders a monthly subscription 'period' box for her teenager. I think it has some san pro, bath bombs, painkillers and acne treatment and maybe a face mask or something in it. I thought it was a nice idea and a great way to introduce periods and the importance self care. Maybe you could look into it?

My own mother was weird about it. I only knew what periods were because my dad had told me about them the year before (they were divorced). I was 11 and it was the summer before high school started on a Sunday, I told her I had started my period, she didn't look up ( wouldn't look me in the face?) and told me to take some money and myself off to the chemist.
So I walked and was so embarrassed, I just didn't know what to buy so I got some lil lets because the box looked pretty. I got hole and asked her where they went and she crudely explained it to me. That was it. Not another word said. I had to put on a shopping list when I wanted more.
It was also my step mum that gave me my first razor. When that broke I then had to use a rusty old one I found in the cupboard until I could buy my own.

I'm 33 so this wasn't that long ago. I don't know what her excuse was. I'm incredibly open about periods and I don't hide my san pro in the bathroom.

I hope that through dealing with it well with your DD you will heal.

Hugs OP.
My mum pretended to be very liberal and gave us each a book about puberty quite early on. But she used our periods as a petty power struggle against us, frequently “forgetting “ to buy us san pro ( we lived rurally so no access to a shop, and we had no money anyway).
She never “forgot” to buy her own tampax maxi plus but my sister and I couldn’t use those and so were loo roll in out knicker kids.
It still makes me cross and sad many many years later, I can’t confront her about it as she would either deny it or put the blame on us. I try to equalise it a little by getting involved with the red box project, giving sanpro to the food banks etc

Also, I remember getting a book out of the library called The Human Body. It was a big red book in the children's section and on one page it showed the stages of development of boys and girls. My mum was so enraged that the whole household knew about it and she confiscated it. Only reason I got it was because we'd started studying human biology at school. Surely my interest was a good thing?? I think I was 8 or 9. Is that too young to know about these things?