Dating a widower

[ChristmasinJune]

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

How depressing, not even a year

What do you mean @pickledmybrain?
It's depressing that he hasn't grieved for her and is moving on too quickly?

If so, I'm not sure that's true but I think he's lonely and would like to know that he won't be alone forever.

What would be a good length of time in your book?

It seems a bit soon for him to be looking for a new relationship, I imagine his children (assuring he has some) would be very hurt, that would be the worry for me not being accepted because it's too soon for his family to see him with someone new. Lockdown loneliness won't cut it as an excuse.

I'd be wary,taking very small steps and staying well away from his home and family. A year would be a minimum for me, imagine your father already having a new girlfriend before you've even had your Mother's first birthday since her death, for example.

I think nine months is depressing as hell, yes.

I don't think she has anything to lose by spending some time with him tbh. None of us know what conversations he and his late wife had (it's not clear if death was sudden or terminal illness sorry). People react differently, for example my DH would be devastated if I ever saw another living soul if he were to go before me whereas I'd be delighted if he found happiness again if I went first. I'd say be prepared to take things very slowly and don't look through rose tinted glasses at the past but absolutely give it a chance!

People cope and move on with death in different ways.

If she had been ill for a few years before her death, he probably started mourning her a long time ago.

I’d say go for it - take it slow and enjoy each other’s company.

My father adored my mother but when she died was keen to find a new partner asap. This was largely because he had never been alone, so had no idea how to manage by himself.
I on the other hand found it incredibly difficult with him wheeling a procession of women past me and refused to have anything to do with them. He wanted to date, his choice, I want him to be happy, but I was not prepared to be part of it while my mother had so recently died.

If your sister is the first woman he has dated then she should be a bit cautious. No reason not to date but she could very well be his experiment / safe bet / rebound.

No children involved thankfully.

I see it differently to be honest. I don’t think they adore the woman they were married to - they think they do, but what they adore is being in a relationship. Almost any woman will do, to that end.

I am well aware it happens but it does depress the hell out of me!

The speed at which he moves on is one thing. His kids (if he has any) are a totally different story.

Personally 9 months is way to soon and I’d be very wary of a man to cant be by himself for more than a nano second.

She might have to accept his kids, when they find out, will hate her as they may need years to come to terms with their mothers death.

I’d tell her not to go there.

Yep I agree with you there @GrumpyHoonMain , she's happily single and not really that keen to rock the boat just to be somebody's experiment in the dating world.

Also, I'm conscious that many people think like @pickledmybrain that moving on too fast is a sign that the marriage wasn't that great.

Out of interest though @pickledmybrain would there be any sort of time frame that you'd consider acceptable? Say if he'd given it 2years or 5 or 10? Or do you stand by your assertion that a man who moves on, never really loved his wife in the first place?

If the man lives on his own, and has been in lockdown by himself with no family around, I don't blame him for tentatively looking for some companionship.

This spring has been like no other and for those who are isolated and alone it must have been incredibly difficult.

Can your dsis look upon him as just a friend for at least another 6 months and not get her hopes up?

My now DH had been married over 30 years when his wife died. We met first probably a few weeks after she died as he and my son share a hobby, at that point it was just chatting about hobbies etc. We then met up again a few years later, he had to have some surgery and asked if I minded him messaging me, after that we started 'dating' and eventually married. Our sons were 16 (mine) 23 and 27 (his) It's not been without problems as his 2 really didn't want it to happen at all. So, with the benefit of hindsight, tell her to take it very slowly, look at the friendship first and don't be blinded by tales of loneliness etc. It can work, but particularly if he has children then it's not all that easy.

That’s not what I said though, is it? And it’s none of my business anyway. But surely you can see there is an absolutely enormous difference between five years and 8/9 months.

It isn’t so much that they never loved their wife in the first place. What I mean is that these men (IME) love being married, or at least in a relationship, and without one are weak and pathetic. And personally that’s not someone I’d want to be with.

She might have to accept his kids, when they find out, will hate her as they may need years to come to terms with their mothers death.*

No, there's no kids..... she died quite young and they hadn't had children.

Personally 9 months is way to soon and I’d be very wary of a man to cant be by himself for more than a nano second.*

This, though is a big concern for me although dsis seems less concerned.

How long do people have to wail and grieve? Is there a time limit? Does it suddenly disappear at the 1 year point?
My partner died and I was dating in under a year. I was half mad with grief, but the biting loneliness was almost as bad.
I sought comfort and was torn to shreds by judgemental friends that didn't give a fuck that I was sat alone every single day craving human touch.
9 months is plenty.
Let them crack on.

So basically it doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s human and touches you? And you don’t think that’s a tiny bit disrespectful, mr?

Oh. And he was my soulmate.
I still cry for him 13years later.
The way your love expands to encompass 2 kids when you thought you couldn't possibly love anyone more than your first child?
That. It works for death too.

@pickledmybrain
Disrespectful to who?
You think I picked up the first person that came along?
Wind your neck in

I think grief impacts everyone differently. I lost someone myself. We weren't married but it was tough. You have to move on though. If she's happy to cope with all that comes with dating a widower. She can't start getting jealous of his grief. There will be photos if his wife etc. If he's ready to date he will have made a commitment not to compare anyone to his wife though. You can't compete with that.

@pickledmybrain

That’s not what I said though, is it? And it’s none of my business anyway. But surely you can see there is an absolutely enormous difference between five years and 8/9 months.

It isn’t so much that they never loved their wife in the first place. What I mean is that these men (IME) love being married, or at least in a relationship, and without one are weak and pathetic. And personally that’s not someone I’d want to be with.

To be fair I sort of made it people's business by starting a thread 

I'm not arguing with you though @pickledmybrain I'm genuinely interested in people's opinions.

Dsis is cautious and interested to know opinions outside of our immediate circle.

My first husband died. It's a sharp reminder of how fragile life is. No/one should judge someone who has been widowed for wanting to live their life in the way that works best for them. We all react differently to grief.

Thanks for your perspective @Lightuptheroom I'm glad things have worked out for you.

I wouldn’t assume he’s looking to move on just because he’s been in touch.