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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating a widower

235 replies

ChristmasinJune · 24/07/2020 12:34

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

OP posts:
pickledmybrain · 24/07/2020 13:10

I don’t know OP, it honestly is up to you. I do get the impression from a lot of these responses that anyone would do, practically, as long as it’s someone and I do personally find that a bit weak and pathetic. Possibly projecting there a bit, but I do.

There’s a massive difference between meeting someone a few years down the line who really ticks all the boxes and just grabbing the next available person, I suppose.

HeronLanyon · 24/07/2020 13:10

If I were her I’d definitely see him and see how things go. She’ll need just to be prepared that he may have moved on a bit too quick for him. Do different, fundamentally/practically from the risk in any new relationship and they start knowing they like each other !
As for is it too soon - only time will tell. Everyone grieves differently. I’ve a close friend who’s wife died a decade ago and he says he just isn’t in a place to move on. Fair enough although many of us friends would be so happy if he were. Nothing odd or troubling - he’s just not in that place yet and may never be. 9 months - if you had said anything less than 6 I think I’d say ‘yes too soon’ but even then you can’t be categorical.

Redcups64 · 24/07/2020 13:11

Your asking on a female dominated forum- so the replies will be that it is too soon.

However men do tend to date again rather quickly after a partner dies, compared to a women who normally gives it a few years.

I would say it’s wrong- but if I look at it neutrally, nothing wrong is being done.

She should go for it if both of them are happy too

Oddbutnotodd · 24/07/2020 13:11

It seems quite soon to me. I’m a widow myself. Generally I find men move on more quickly than women. It must be harder at the moment in lockdown.

ChristmasinJune · 24/07/2020 13:12

Thank you so much for sharing @Stellakent and @MrMeeseekscando it's incredibly useful to see things from the other side. Sorry for your loss though.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 24/07/2020 13:14

Sorry, I agree with those saying that it's depressing - here though partly because it does seem to be fairly predictable male behaviour.

Nine months really is no time at all to get used to losing your spouse. It's no time at all in terms of grieving a person.

I don't think moving on so quickly necessarily means that the marriage wasn't that great.

I think it does say that he as a mature adult isn't that great, though.

Firstly it screams inability to be alone. Loads, loads, loads of men like this. On a mental level, they tend to have fewer strong friendships or activities... so when they lose a spouse they have less support and less of a separate life. On a practical level, there's no one to wash to pants. Put together, it's classic entitled male behaviour. The 'she who dies' - she who organises his social life, ashes pants, provides entertainment - she needs to be replaced asap.

Then there's grieving. Immature in the extreme to not be able to see that no, you haven't yet grieved. Selfish in the very extreme to want a new person next to you taking your mind off it while you fully intend to do that grieving at the same time.

And then of course the simple lack of maturity about what a life partner should mean to you. Nine months means that yes, like it or not, you see it all as fairly easily replaceable. That having someone else there will make you feel happier even if it's such a short time since the supposed one and only was there instead.

I don't think I would want to be the dating experiment of a classically immature man of a certain age, no.

DonLewis · 24/07/2020 13:14

If I died, and knew I was dying, I'd tell my husband to not be scared to find another love. To not grieve for me in such a way that his whole life stopped. Maybe they had similar conversations?

binkyblinky · 24/07/2020 13:14

I say go for it. People grieve in different ways. Just because he has lost someone in November, it doesn't mean he isn't ready for a new relationship. He may be lonely, and seeking comfort. Either way, go for it x

FizzyGreenWater · 24/07/2020 13:15

She who does, not she who dies!!! What a typo Grin

pickledmybrain · 24/07/2020 13:15

That’s exactly what I was trying to articulate there fizzy, thanks.

pickledmybrain · 24/07/2020 13:16

He isn’t a little child though, blinky!

What is with these bloody men at all!!

MrMeeseekscando · 24/07/2020 13:17

My outlook changed massively when he died.
You realise life is way too short and fragile to waste.
You also realise who your friends really are.
His family accepted that I was dating again much sooner than mutual friends.
They even wanted to meet my new boyfriend (I didn't, wasn't going to put the poor guy through that!)
He's not a threat to my subsequent relationships either. It's entirely my baggage.
We aren't lepers.

sdp1806 · 24/07/2020 13:18

Talking from my own personal experience of dating a widower (now 2yrs down the line), i think 9 months is too soon.
My partner had been widowed for 2 years but that being said only he knows when he's ready to move or not.

I found it difficult and sometimes still do knowing that he was happy previously and that it ended due to death and not a break up.
If there are kids involved please note that this does make things more difficult.
Id just say take things slowly and take his lead.
There is an American Guy called Abel Keogh - does you tube videos called Dating A Widower. I found his advice really helpful.

Best of Luck

TheStuffedPenguin · 24/07/2020 13:19

They do say that a man who has had a good marriage and was happy will be keen to marry again.

FizzyGreenWater · 24/07/2020 13:22

I would say that being lonely and seeking comfort is the very definition of not being ready to move on!

It's about whether you ultimately see people as there for your entertainment.

He is saying 'I need a new person'

rather than 'am I ready to be a good partner to a new person'

ChristmasinJune · 24/07/2020 13:22

@DonLewis

If I died, and knew I was dying, I'd tell my husband to not be scared to find another love. To not grieve for me in such a way that his whole life stopped. Maybe they had similar conversations?
It is possible that this is the case, yes. We'll probably never know though.

@FizzyGreenWater yes I do see your and @pickledmybrain 's points about the maturity of a man who can't be alone. It would be a red flag if that were the case. Whether it is or not I can't tell just now.

OP posts:
Onesmallstep67 · 24/07/2020 13:23

My DH died after a prolonged period of illness and within a year I sought the companionship of men in an attempt to prove to myself that life goes on. It was a fraught time but impossible to say with hindsight whether my emotions were being assaulted by grief or attempts at dating.
It's a very personal journey for everyone and no one should judge. There is no way for us to second guess whether it's too soon for this gentleman or the right move for your Dsis. They have a friendship to work from that is a perfect start. If the feelings are there on both sides they will develop. The man is likely to still be processing his wife's death but it's rare to meet anyone or start any new relationship as adults where there are no concerns or ongoing issues.

AdaColeman · 24/07/2020 13:24

I think that men, particularly those who have been in happy relationships, do very often move on quite quickly after the death of their partner.

We all react differently to loss and grief, and who can say that finding someone else to love or enjoy being with is not a good thing?

Your sister already knows that she likes this man, so meeting up with him could be fun or simply a pleasant experience. At this point, neither will know what will come of it, but your sister might find a true friend or more in him.

If she finds that the new relationship with him is not what she wants, she can always step away from it.

MikeUniformMike · 24/07/2020 13:25

@ChristmasinJune, it's fine.

There will be those who think he should wait a year or whatever, but grief affects people differently.

Your sister is aware of his situation. There may be some hostility, but would those like @pickledmybrain, prefer he did OLD.

GirlInterrupted · 24/07/2020 13:26

I didn't read all the replies, but haven't we learned anything from this whole pandemic?

Life is too short, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, if they are good together and it fits, I would tell my sister to go for it and be as happy as she can be.

BTW I have been happily married for 23 years and my husband is my everything. I would hate for him to be lonely when I am gone, if there is even the slightest chance of someone making him happy, I hope that he would take the opportunity

What's the point of existing without living?

MizMoonshine · 24/07/2020 13:31

Everyone grieves differently.

When your spouse dies, rather than when they up and leave you in the other sense, it's absolute and final. Particularly if you knew it was coming, the grieving process begins before they have even left.

In this sense, it's sometimes easier to move on (in terms of begining something new) after the death of a partner than it is after a break up. There's no lingering doubt about the right and wrong of it. There's no hope to get back together with the person who once occupied your whole heart. There's none of the baggage of a break up.

Think of it this way:
When two people break up it's like they were sharing a house. One person leaves a the house, bit not all of their stuff can be taken in one trip. The house has to be revisited, paths continue to cross.

When someone dies, you both leave the house. The house has been sold. You remember the relationship, but you don't go back. You don't cross paths.

People saying nine months isn't long enough for someone to move forward with their life have a very black and white idea of what grief is.

OP has also stated that there aren't children involved, so she won't be stepping on any toes.

This man deserves to be treated the same way as any other single male re-entering the dating scene after the end of his last relationship, nine months prior.

Your sister should meet up with him, should get to know him again and see where things go. It might go nowhere. It might go somewhere fantastic.

pickledmybrain · 24/07/2020 13:31

Whaaaat?

Why would I ‘prefer’ he did OLD? I genuinely can’t see what you are getting at there!

The point I am making is simply that other people are not teddy bears or comfort blankets and adult men are not children needing them.

ChristmasinJune · 24/07/2020 13:31

@GirlInterrupted

I didn't read all the replies, but haven't we learned anything from this whole pandemic?

Life is too short, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, if they are good together and it fits, I would tell my sister to go for it and be as happy as she can be.

BTW I have been happily married for 23 years and my husband is my everything. I would hate for him to be lonely when I am gone, if there is even the slightest chance of someone making him happy, I hope that he would take the opportunity

What's the point of existing without living?

This is a really lovely post!

I think/Hope from knowing them in the past, that it's likely she did want him to move on and be happy.

For me, I suppose I'd have 1 year + in my mind as a "decent" amount of time. Just want my dsis to be happy.

I really appreciate everybody taking the time to answer Smile

OP posts:
MrMeeseekscando · 24/07/2020 13:40

@GirlInterrupted That's precisely it. Death teaches us life is for living.
The bereaved are expected to put everything on hold because society is uncomfortable with the idea that people move on.
The reason anyone dates at all is because they are lonely and craving touch and comfort. I can't imagine we'd let men into our lives otherwise with all of their awful habits Grin

People like the idea that they will be mourned, missed and put on a pedestal if they sadly pass away.
People finding love again goes against that and makes people uncomfortable.
I didn't jump on the first person that came my way but I clicked with someone in under a year.
Why is that an issue? I wasn't desperate, sad or weak Hmm
My partners (I've had 2 serious relationships since he died) have respected his memory and understand that I'm partly who I am today because of my life experiences.
I wasn't put on this earth to grieve and waste my life mourning something I can't change.

pickledmybrain · 24/07/2020 13:45

mr quite honestly that is not the case.

You can do what you want to do, people can have consensual sex every night of the week with someone else if they wish, it is none of my business.

However if I was looking to start a serious relationship, someone incapable of being alone for any length of time, someone who just wanted ‘touch’ and never mind who the touch was from, someone who sees others as just there to fulfil a particular role or purpose in their life - would not be for me.

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