Dating a widower

[ChristmasinJune]

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

@lyralalala yeah just ignore it. So sick how people get off on this sort of stuff.

@pickledmybrain

It is, IMO, weak and pathetic to be unable to stand alone in life without a partner.

That holds true no matter when and where.

I do not have very much respect for needy people.

I'm not sure this follows. Some people enjoy being in a relationship, some people enjoy being single.

From personal experience I'm permanently single with no plans to change that. I'm still pretty "needy" in a lot of areas, just don't do relationships well.

A close friend of mine is a "relationship" kind of woman, she just likes to be part of a couple but in every other way she is extremely grounded, confident and strong.

So I wouldn't personally judge somebody who recognised that they worked best in a relationship and went after that as "needy" . I'd only judge somebody if they pursued a relationship or string of relationships that were wrong for them and made them unhappy simply because they couldn't manage to be alone.

There's a difference between the two I think.

I think that is it really millie it’s a process. Possibly a bad example but a bit like a child growing up - a newborn baby won’t be walking, but there’s still some variation in when children start walking so no one can say for definite what is ‘right.’ That’s what I was trying to get at with the two year post -
I wouldn’t set it as a definitive set in stone rule but more as a rough guideline.

Hoping things are good for you now - and for everyone else on this thread, for that matter!

@pickledmybrain

Oh I think you’ll find I have been, but you have informed me I need counselling over my deep seated issues (losing your mother as a child is actually quite hard, but I’m over it now - I’m still not sure it’s something that should be used to attack another poster with) and that I have no respect for anybody.

I have respect for you. Why wouldn’t I? I disagree with you on this matter. I’m afraid that is life, it happens. We may find we agree on another subject.

Calling people weak and pathetic is not polite. Neither is telling widows that they were wrong in how they dealt with their loss and that's what you've done throughout the thread.

I suggested counselling because you use the loss of your mother (I lost my mother at 14 - doesn't make me a moral authority on losing a spouse becuase I've never lost one) to critisise people who've lost their spouse. Given you felt it was acceptable to say you felt sorry for my son it's a bit rich to get snooty about replies that you don't like. There was no attack.

You clearly have no respect for anyone's views other than your own.

However, the thread has been derailed enough.

@StCharlotte

I realise it's a sweeping generalisation but men are notorious for moving on quickly. I reckon if Queen Victoria had died, Albert would have married the next available Danish princess in a flash.

I'd question if it's not that men move on too quickly, but actually that society expects women not to move on and women are more conditioned to doing what society expects rather than what suits them and their circumstances.

It happens when a relationship ends for any reason - women are jumped on much quicker for moving on than men.

lyra I have clearly drawn a distinction between general and personal. That you insist on making it personal is not my problem or my fault. With that being said, I obviously wish you and your family well.

@pickledmybrain

lyra I have clearly drawn a distinction between general and personal. That you insist on making it personal is not my problem or my fault. With that being said, I obviously wish you and your family well.

You called my son unlucky. That's person. You made it personal so don't start crying when it comes back personal.

If I was any further away from crying, I’d be dead

I feel very sorry for children who lose their mothers, and especially when their fathers are more interested in investing in new relationships than bringing up their children.
That’s true too when you reverse the sexes, by the way.

@ButteryPuffin

I think there is research that shows men who considered themselves happily married are more likely to marry again fairly quickly after their wife dies. It's as a number of posters have said, it was a good thing and so they want to return to that state as soon as possible. Women I believe came out the opposite in this study - the better the marriage had been, the more they tended to think 'I won't be able to find that again'.

That is exactly how it's been in my experience of being widowed and that of my friends.

My male friends found partners very quickly, even though they'd adored the wives they'd lost. I and my female widowed friend have no interest at all in finding someone else. We realise that we were really lucky first time round and that there aren't many men like that around.

Also I think women of my age are very wary of ending up being carers for men they might only have known for a year or two.

Sorry. I said I wouldn't be back, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has added thoughtful and kind words to this thread.

I have calmed down and stopped crying now. To everyone who hasn't been judgemental, thank you. And much sympathy and love to everyone who has lost a partner, child or parent.

I just think dating six months after losing your spouse is immature and wrong

This does my head in - who are you to judge how someone behaves after losing their spouse? There is no right or wrong way to react, and nobody is entitled to declare it "immature and wrong" ffs. Fuck right off with your pathetic judgements.

When my best friend died her husband found someone else very quickly. It was difficult for me - a reminder that my friend had really died, but that was my problem. He had had a terrible time and I wanted him to be happy - my friend had wanted that too. They are still together now, 8 years on.

This thread has cheered me up no end.

How lucky am I that it was only my dad who died when I was a child.

pickled you need to stop this 'one size fits all' rubbish.

Take care @Xanthangum

There is a huge difference between having an opinion on something and judging someone for it.

As I have said, people are entitled to do whatever they like, but people who go from one relationship to another tend to be people who don’t cope alone. This is fuelled usually by immaturity.

That must have been very distressing alfrew

Statistically, families who lose a father fare better than those who lose a mother. Of course, individual circumstances will vary and regardless losing a parent is awful

@pickledmybrain if you go back to the OP the dude in question has no kids. NO KIDS. There are no children for the OP’s sister to consider. Your interventions are less and less relevant. Please consider starting your own thread instead if there is stuff you personally want to work out.

statistically, families who lose a father fare better than those who lose a mother

You just really can’t help yourself can you!!

I know contesse - it did move on to more general sort of discussion but yes, for the OPs friend I would say the only thing to be aware of is that he wants a relationship more than he wants you

people who go from one relationship to another tend to be people who don’t cope alone. This is fuelled usually by immaturity.

What evidence do you have for these two assertions?

"individual circumstances will vary", the most sensible thing you've said pickled.

Think on that some more.

Do a bit of research jizz and look at the percentage of children who end up in the care system following death of the mother and compare that to death of the father.

The same holds true in lone parent families: something like more than 90% are headed by women. Does that make you angry with me? Why?

Of course they do alfrew. I’m not sure where I’ve said they don’t but I’m glad we agree on something.

Statistically, families who lose a father fare better than those who lose a mother.

What statistics are you referring to?
What is the measure for "better"?

Fathers who are widowed are more likely to have their children spend time in the care system, for one thing.

Similarly to when a relationship breaks down, it isn’t news to anybody (I don’t think) that men are more likely than women to lose contact with their children. Once a new relationship is established, the attitude of the stepmother seems to be paramount. If she also rejects the children then that is obviously disastrous.