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Original poster

Dating a widower

235 replies

ChristmasinJune · 24/07/2020 12:34

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

OP posts:
MiddleAgedLurker · 24/07/2020 22:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

LuluJakey1 · 24/07/2020 22:49

I know someone whose husband left her for someone else. In their 50s, married 30 years. She was devastated and shocked but on dating sites within weeks and about 6 months later met a man who was a widower. They married within 6 months, as soon as they could after her divorce came through, which we were a bit surprised at.
Turned out his wife had been dead 3 weeks when they met on the site and had their first date. She had been ill a long time and had told him to find someone else. He felt he had grieved while she was alive and ill.
8 years later they are still very happy. His grown up children accepted her without problem as did hers him.

LuluJakey1 · 24/07/2020 22:53

FIL has a friend whose wife died after 40+ years of marriage in their early 60s. He began seeing someone from work 2 months later. She is 12 years younger than him. They married 18 months later and are very happy. His adult daughter - who lives in Surrey - hates his new wife and has tried to cause trouble but he has distanced himself from her she has been so mean.

sunsalutations · 24/07/2020 22:55

My MIL dated after losing her husband. She's always said to me she preferred dating widowers rather than divorced men. I think she found them easier to get on with, by which I understood to mean less baggage. Good luck to your sis. Sounds like the chemistry is there

Original poster
ChristmasinJune · 24/07/2020 23:36

Loving the happy ending stories!!

OP posts:
mrssunshinexxx · 25/07/2020 03:45

@LuluJakey1 not disputing she might of been mean but my mum died 12 weeks ago suddenly after 45 years with my dad and If he told us he had moved on now I would have a big problem with that
Do I want him to move on and be happy again one day - absolutely but not this soon I would find it very disrespectful to my lovely mum

OnceUponAPotato · 25/07/2020 04:03

I think it really depends on what angle you're looking at this from. Is it too early for him to date? No, of course not, that's his decision. I don't have experience of it but I can only imagine the crushing loneliness. And impact on friends, family, children (I realise in this case there are none) is his to judge.

But if the question is, should your sister go for it? I'd say whilst there is no arbitrary time limit on grief, the likelihood of this being a successful relationship is surely increased by time. But then everyone brings some history to their next relationship - is she more or less likely to be hurt by someone recently divorced, or with a hidden alcohol problem, or with children to take in to account? We all face risk in entering new relationships.

lyralalala · 25/07/2020 05:46

No-one but him can decide if it's too soon or not. DH and I met 6 months after his first wife died and our relationship would have moved much quicker if we didn't both have children.

One thing your sister needs to consider is that this is something that a lot of people will have an opinion on and will be vocal about their opinion. We got married 5 years after DH was widowed and still a lot of people had an opinion about it.

People also have vocal opinions about how much his late wife should be talked about, should there be photos in our home (there are because she was DS1's Mummy and he should have pics of her), and every bit of it. Similar to the way pregnancy means people feel free to ask you extremely personal questions, this does too.

I've lost a few friends along the way because of their opinions and their willingness to shout about them.

pickledmybrain · 25/07/2020 08:23

no one but him can decide

Yep, sod his children. 6 months Sad

mrssunshinexxx · 25/07/2020 08:24

@pickledmybrain completely agree
Me and my sisters are all adults but it would kill me if my dad told us he had moved on now

userxx · 25/07/2020 08:33

Life is for the living but with children involved I would be leaving any potential relationships much much longer.

My auntie lost her partner, within 6 months she was on a dating app and has met someone else, she's in her 80's and having great fun 😏

Itsallpointless · 25/07/2020 08:50

Men generally move on quickly, they cannot (IME) be on their own.

I am divided with opinion.

  1. So, the person has died, isn't coming back, so why not just move on?
  1. Personally (I'm female) I couldn't think of being close intimately (if I'd been truly in love) for a very long time.

I think it's the latter that people on the 'outside' struggle with, they see that the person moving on didn't love those who died.

We are all different, but definitely I think men can't be alone for long.

Apologies to all the men I've (not intentionally, just my experience) insulted.

Itsallpointless · 25/07/2020 08:54

Incidentally, I was with a widower for a few years, he was widowed 9 months after we met (he was separated) they had a young teen son.

It was bloody hard, and I lived in her shadow for most of that time. We aren't together, but it wasn't that issue that caused the split.

lyralalala · 25/07/2020 09:03

@pickledmybrain

no one but him can decide

Yep, sod his children. 6 months Sad

His child is an extremely happy and well rounded 19-year-old who has no ill will or issues with his father’s choices.

He didn’t know I existed when DH and I first met. Things moved at a child-appropriate rate for both him and my girls.

But you judge away. The fact that DS1 chose a number of years ago to call me Mum, and the fact that DH’s PIL completely supported us in every step we’ve made (his MIL is coming to visit this weekend even though DH and DS1 are away) because we always put the kids first means I’ll be ignoring your judgements and trusting the folks that know the circumstances.

Original poster
ChristmasinJune · 25/07/2020 09:07

But if the question is, should your sister go for it? I'd say whilst there is no arbitrary time limit on grief, the likelihood of this being a successful relationship is surely increased by time. But then everyone brings some history to their next relationship - is she more or less likely to be hurt by someone recently divorced, or with a hidden alcohol problem, or with children to take in to account? We all face risk in entering new relationships.

Good point, she'd love to be in a relationship that's just light, fun, happy but is probably not going to get that here. But then, nobody in their 40's + really comes without "baggage" do they?

OP posts:
pickledmybrain · 25/07/2020 09:08

Judging you would be pointless lyra, although I do feel very sorry for that boy, despite what you say.

What I was taking issue with was the ‘no one but him’ comment. Obviously this doesn’t apply to the OP but men shouldn’t just be thinking of themselves and their desperate need for companionship when children are also grieving for their mother. Sorry OP, that obviously doesn’t apply to you, but losing a mother for a child is the absolute worst, it is literally the worst thing that can happen to them. Part of the reason it is so awful is because of this male tendency to immediately replace the child’s mother with another one, I do judge the man in that scenario, tbh.

Original poster
ChristmasinJune · 25/07/2020 09:12

@lyralalala I suppose this thread has demonstrated how strongly people feel and how you'll come across people's opinions. I'm glad things worked out for you all though.

OP posts:
BertiesLanding · 25/07/2020 09:12

@pickledmybrain

I see it differently to be honest. I don’t think they adore the woman they were married to - they think they do, but what they adore is being in a relationship. Almost any woman will do, to that end.

I am well aware it happens but it does depress the hell out of me!

I agree, @pickledmybrain

Interchangeable partners.

MrMeeseekscando · 25/07/2020 09:31

I can't help but notice that all of the people saying "disrespectful" on this thread have not lost a partner.

pickledmybrain · 25/07/2020 09:32

No, just a mother, but she’s dead so the only thing that matters is my dad, right? Hmm

MrMeeseekscando · 25/07/2020 09:35

We aren't talking about a relationship with children.

pickledmybrain · 25/07/2020 09:36

No, but I think fizzy has that covered. The discussion has moved on more generally, which is inevitable on long-ish threads.

lyralalala · 25/07/2020 09:38

@pickledmybrain

Judging you would be pointless lyra, although I do feel very sorry for that boy, despite what you say.

What I was taking issue with was the ‘no one but him’ comment. Obviously this doesn’t apply to the OP but men shouldn’t just be thinking of themselves and their desperate need for companionship when children are also grieving for their mother. Sorry OP, that obviously doesn’t apply to you, but losing a mother for a child is the absolute worst, it is literally the worst thing that can happen to them. Part of the reason it is so awful is because of this male tendency to immediately replace the child’s mother with another one, I do judge the man in that scenario, tbh.

My "no-one but him" comment was solely aimed at the OP and the man has no children. You jumped on it anyway

You can feel as sorry for DS1 as you like. In an ideal world he would never have known me because he'd have had his Mummy his whole life. Sadly we don't live in an ideal world and all that people can do is make the best of things that they can.

Again you are judging - there was no immediate replacing of his Mummy with me. DS and I didn't meet for over a year. We didn't live together for several years. There was no "Mum" role for a long time.

DS himself does say that his age probably played a big part in it. One of his friends lost their Mum when they were 10 and DS firmly believes that was much worse. DS was a toddler so has no memories of the situaiton.

lyralalala · 25/07/2020 09:41

[quote ChristmasinJune]@lyralalala I suppose this thread has demonstrated how strongly people feel and how you'll come across people's opinions. I'm glad things worked out for you all though.[/quote]
It does. Your sister will have to have a very thick skin because people have opinions and very strong ones.

She'll also have to have a think about how she feels about his in-laws. They will most likely be a part of his life, and should be. Several of the guys DH met through a support group have had big issues with new partners not understanding why they still want their PIL to be part of their life.

It's not an easy life choice and one she should consider very, very carefully.

pickledmybrain · 25/07/2020 09:43

lyra, I’m not actually judging you personally although like a PP that’s obviously what you think. I do think if there’s one thing we can perhaps all agree on it’s that standing in judgement over something that presumably happened several years ago is pointless Grin

But on a more general level, and this isn’t aimed at you - it’s a general point - I don’t like the way women are seen as role fillers, and men do do this. They need a wife, mother figure for young children if at that stage, life organiser, instigator of social events - and who it is is largely immaterial. When we move outside the specific and onto the more general that’s actually really insulting to all of us as women.

I’m not having a go at you personally. I’m sure that your DSS is lucky to have you (not so sure about his dad.)

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