Dating a widower

[ChristmasinJune]

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

Depends how old really. The older you get, the more you become aware that you need to grab every shred of happiness before it is too late.

While I can't imaging it for myself, I have been close to two couples where the wife died very young, both after illnesses of over a year.

In both cases, the men moved on to new relationship very quickly.

Both of them told me about the new relationship, expecting I think, me to be shocked. I was glad to know that they had each found happiness again.

Again, I can't imagine it for myself.

Thanks for sharing @MillieChant you sound like a lovely daughter

@pickledmybrain I'm sorry for your loss, it's clearly left you quite angry and hurt. A child losing a parent should always be important and treated with care and respect. Sorry that didn't happen

IME, I think these men who have had happy successful relationships, probably want to recreate that sooner rather than later if widowed, and sorry for sounding crass but probably a good bet on being a kind decent partner.

I don’t think I am christmas or at least not now, but it did lead to a difficult set of circumstances meaning I spent the next two decades alone, and so I do feel at least qualified to say that people who need relationships - regardless of who the person is, they need them for comfort and for security - aren’t the sort of people I have much time for.

I'm another that would prefer my DH if 20 years to move on and be happy! I would be protecting my 50% of the assets for my DC though especially as now they are much older so DH hasn't years or raising them left.

Yes I can see where you're coming from, thankfully in this situation though there aren't any children who are going to get hurt and my dsis is I Hope pretty tough and sensible.

I'm pretty sure that statistics are that happily married widowers for move on to new partners quite quickly.

They had a good thing, they want to recreate it...

@pickledmybrain - I'm really sorry you went through that too.

@pickledmybrain

I was bereaved in my 30s, my partner died in an accident, i wanted a new relationship, someone to share experiences with and love again.

These are perfectly normal human desires and are what drives most people to be in a relationship in the first place, your assertion that this is somehow "disrespectful" is bizarre, the dead don't care, have no feelings, can't be hurt anymore and are not coming back.

Grief has no rule book and love can be found in strange places, there is certainly no time scales on when to meet someone... you think 9 months is too soon? perhaps 12 months or 14 months would be ok? OR do you think someone should live in misery for the rest of their lives, longing for the day they can be "together" again?

As someone who is widowed all I can say is that this man will probably spend the rest of his life grieving for his wife . You can never replace the person you have lost, but you can love again. One person can not replace another. People who judge others who have moved on after what they consider not a 'respectable ' amount of time - have absolutely no understanding of the situation.

But the first year after a bereavement is very very hard - coping with the 'first anniversaries'. And I think the fact that this man maybe reaching out for a relationship is because he is probably hurting very much and is looking for some emotional and physical comfort. All I would say to your sister is that she will need to be prepared to provide this support, and the relationship may not be as fun and exciting as new relationships should be.

What's wrong with marrying for comfort and security? I can think of worse reasons.

Why does someone have to be fine on their own before they can meet someone else? Who invented that rule?

PickledMyBrain seems nice.

Friend of mine was widowed last year and is dating again. I am glad for him. He had a very happy marriage and this was a sudden loss. I don't feel it is my place to judge him - I think he wants to make the most of his life having seen how it can be snatched away.

jas and alfrew - there is nothing wrong with seeking a relationship! That’s not what I’m saying!

Nor am I saying there needs to be an arbitrary time limit on when this is acceptable after death. However, when you move on very very quickly after your previous partner died, it is having a partner that is desirable and not their sparkling personality or whatever.

pickledmybrain Some people make very good partners, they excel at it, even without sparkling personalities or any other special attributes.

I know it's different as she wasn't dead but my Dad met my Step-Mum within a couple of weeks after seperating from my Mum after a 15 year marriage and 2 DC.

I'm only mentioning it as everyone said it was too soon, he should grieve for the end of his relationship etc and it was hard for me as a 12 year old but he just happened to meet her in a pub and 30 years later they're still together.

The guy here is just talking about meeting up with OPs Dsis, that's all. They might just go out a few times and end up as friends or it might end up as more.

We can't judge how others grieve. A friend of mine was widowed in her late 30s and since then has had hundreds of souless one night stands. Often with awful men that make her feel terrible but she craves that physical intimacy but says she could never consider loving anyone else than her dead DH. I'd far rather she'd reached out to someone nice like the guy in the OP and tried to find some happiness.

ChristmasinJune my family member did similar. He has been married to his wife for thirty years when she passed. 11 months later he was dating another women. He was actually still grieving and filling her place because he couldn’t bare to be on his own. It broke up about six months later. Lots of mud slinging went on because other family members were upset.

He then went on to marry another woman and was with her for about 15 years untill he died but she was over heard talking about ‘having to live with his dead wives ghost’ as my family member had never got over her.

Being with a widow is probably harder than being with some one with an living ex. They will always love that person.

A retired lady who had been widowed about 4 months came along and wanted to help at a charity I know of.
She was always referencing in her mind how her DH worked, we were doing something new to her. She was not ready to learn new ways. Change was criticism of his ways and him. It was too soon for her to learn a new perspective.
It is usually accepted that 13 months needs to elapse before one can really move on. One needs to go through all the birthdays, summer holiday, Christmas, Eid, at least once. A hospice I know sends out a card to next of kin on the anniversary of a death.

Why does someone have to be fine on their own before they can meet someone else?

This is a personal rule for me. It's important for me to be happy on my own and capable of enjoying life by myself. I look for the same in any potential partner.

I am less interested in someone who needs a partner , who cannot survive without one

I think not having kids makes a huge difference in this case.

I am a widower with 3. The 1st 12 months was hell itself and I existed in a bubble of children and close friends and family.
4 years on I am happily single. I have lot of male and female friends so don't feel lonely.
I did have a short relationship last year but I suspect she is sworn off widowers for life and I am sworn off those who cant cope with what dating a widower with kids entails.

I will always judge and judge harshly those that put their own needs before that of their children

I think there is research that shows men who considered themselves happily married are more likely to marry again fairly quickly after their wife dies. It's as a number of posters have said, it was a good thing and so they want to return to that state as soon as possible. Women I believe came out the opposite in this study - the better the marriage had been, the more they tended to think 'I won't be able to find that again'.

@FizzyGreenWater

She who does, not she who dies!!! What a typo

I did wonder...

Another widow here broadly agreeing with everyone else who finds themselves in a club they never asked to be in...
I don’t think it’s possible to put an actual time scale - what makes the difference between 11 months and 13 months? Yes - in a year you get through the ‘firsts’....actually my ‘seconds’ were a lot worse when it really sunk in that he wasn’t coming back.
I have howled my eyes out months after ‘window shopping’ on OLD. Four years down the line I am still blind sided by grief sometimes. I haven’t had another relationship yet but I’m very open to the idea and maybe I will one day and if it had happened already then that would have been fine.
I will never move on - that’s much less dramatic than it sounds because I have, however, certainly moved forward with my life. My DP is part of who I am and part of what I will become because I carry the life we made together with me. I realised this when I came across Nora McInery (great podcast and a TED talk where she articulated a lot of how I felt/feel). But, like Nora, who I suspect some people might feel found another partner at an unseemly rate, I hope that there’s someone out there who I can love like I love DP. There isn’t a finite amount of love I have to give.....

Anyhoo OP..... I think your DSis should be as cautious as she might need to be with any new relationship. Some people are widowed....some people have other experiences in their past. The fact that they are already friends is a good sign....