Dating a widower

[ChristmasinJune]

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

I'm thinking you're just a GF pickled who's playing it well.

I’m not remotely fucked up jizz, I’ve only mentioned what happened to me in passing and it was a very long time ago and I’m fine now, thanks

Not in the slightest, I’m answering politely here despite the personal attacks.

@pickledmybrain

That’s not what I said though, is it? And it’s none of my business anyway. But surely you can see there is an absolutely enormous difference between five years and 8/9 months.

It isn’t so much that they never loved their wife in the first place. What I mean is that these men (IME) love being married, or at least in a relationship, and without one are weak and pathetic. And personally that’s not someone I’d want to be with.

I don't believe that wanting some sort of companionship after 9 months alone is weak or pathetic. He's contacted the sister to meet up, not get remarried.

It doesn't mean he never really loved his wife, nor does it mean he still doesn't love her now. Fact of the matter is she's gone. Never coming back. He has spent his time grieving. He still has his life to live, should he never find happiness again. There is room in a person's heart for another love after death... Moving on ultimately does not mean you leave the deceased spouse behind, you simply learn to make way for a new person.

I think you're being incredibly harsh.

@Xanthangum

Sorry. I said I wouldn't be back, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has added thoughtful and kind words to this thread.

I have calmed down and stopped crying now. To everyone who hasn't been judgemental, thank you. And much sympathy and love to everyone who has lost a partner, child or parent.

Oh bless you, please don't cry! Mumsnet can be harsh at times

My DH lost his previous long-term girlfriend suddenly, in horrific circumstances. Personally for him, we met 4 years later and that was a good amount of time for him. He did date prior to meeting me but just wasn't ready for anything long-term, because her death was unexpected and there was a lot to deal with afterwards that had a lasting impact on him.

But I absolutely don't judge anyone for starting to date again when they're ready. How people feel is different for everyone. But obviously it's impossible to know if a potential partner is ready or not, you only have what they tell you to go on.

OP, I'd advise your sister to take anything veeeerrry slowly.

Fathers who are widowed are more likely to have their children spend time in the care system, for one thing.

Can you link to whatever statistics / study you are using for this assertion?

Can you answer previous q also?

people who go from one relationship to another tend to be people who don’t cope alone. This is fuelled usually by immaturity.

What evidence do you have for these two assertions?

I have seen new relationships be very successful soon after widowhood. It can mean that the marriage was very successful and that the surviving partner is good at being married. After all the deceased did not want to leave their partner. This is unlike the situation after marriage breakdown due to infidelity where the 'left ' partner has the grief due to the loss of their relationship as well as the knowledge that they weren't wanted. This can be much more difficult to recover from psychologically. This isn't at all to underestimate the pain of watching one's like partner being ill and approaching death but just to say that situations and people's personal position in grief vary enormously. The fact that this man has lost his wife fairly recently and might want a new relationship doesn't necessarily make him shallow or unreliable in the long term he just might still have love in his heart for someone new.

@pickledmybrain

it was hard for my dad. He became a wreck and a shell. His skin was grey and pallid, he cried all the time, it was awful. I won’t go into all the details here but I know his anguish was real.

Yet I also know my mum would have been equally distraught to have lost him - but she wouldn’t have been arranging to meet up with other men four weeks later, I really do know she wouldn’t. Because my mum would have put her children first, my dad put his own grief first. I guess that’s just the difference.

This resonates with me so much I lost my mum 11 weeks ago and had my first baby 4 weeks ago my head is a heartbroken mess she was my absolute best friend in the world and was so excited for this grandchild

I am 27 so not a child or even teenager but in some ways I think this hurts the most memories and time will never fade for me I will never forget what I've lost

You come across really angry in your post and I am angry too my dad hasn't moved on yet thankfully !! But he does say shit that pisses me off if just need someone ' and wails and then other time I just want ' mums name ' and wails you are bang on that SOME men need another woman

If this was the other way round mum would be solely focused on her adult children and getting us through it

Do you mind me asking how old you were when you lost your mum? It's so so hard isn't it x

@pickledmybrain - I wasn't orphaned nor was I widowed, but honestly you are coming across very bitter. I think that your difficult circumstances that led you to living alone for 2 decades has had a profound affect on you.

There is no rule on what people 'should' be doing. Some people prefer being alone unless they meet someone so amazing it is worth giving up being alone for - wanting and waiting for a Grand Love. Others want to be part of a couple and are very open to meeting someone compatible, who they get along with, who they can care deeply for and see if it turns into love.

The heart is not a one size fits all. Neither approach is wrong and you should really stop with these comments.