Dating a widower

[ChristmasinJune]

I'm hoping to get a bit of advice here for my sister who's in a dilemma. Basically she was in the same social circle as a man for a few years. They fancied each other a fair bit but for various reasons never got together. Both moved on to other people. Dsis has now been happily single for several years whilst the guy was very happily married to a lovely woman who died at the end of last year (Nov I think)
This guy has now been in touch and we think is moving towards asking her to meet up. She likes him and is excited about the prospect but is also extremely wary.
So my question:
Would you date a widower knowing that he loved his wife very much and was very happily married. Is this off putting or a good thing?
Also, what's a decent amount of time before a person is ready to move on? We both think that it may be "too soon" and lockdown loneliness is a factor here.

@MrMeeseekscando you certainly come across as strong and grounded. Sounds like you met partners who were good for you too and respected your memories.

I'm also coming from the other side (a widow).
I knew before DH died (cancer, was ill for a year) that at some point in the future I would want another relationship.
It isn't something we discussed, and nor would I want to have done so - I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions about my life without his blessing (or otherwise!).

I'm fairly introverted, I dislike spending time in large groups and I enjoy a few things but don't have (or want) lots of hobbies etc. I actively enjoy spending time with the people I love, particularly with a romantic/sexual partner. I enjoy having sex with that person although I have no desire to have sex with a random hook up.
I don't need a partner, I am perfectly capable of living my life without one, but I find that having one enhances my life - perhaps I've been lucky that the relationships I have been in have in the main made me feel this way.

I'm aware of the reasons why I want to be in a relationship and find it laughable that some people think this makes me weak and pathetic.

I was "window shopping" on OLD very quickly, but it literally was just that - I had no profile information and had no intention of responding to any messages.

At about 10/12 months after DH died I was at the stage that I wanted to start reconnecting with the world, we got a puppy, I joined a couple of clubs etc. I also completed proper profiles on various OLD sites and started messaging people.

I was in no way "over" DH, I'm now 3 years on and don't think I'll ever be over him, I adored him, if I actively think about him I miss him deeply rather than just the constant missing which is always there.
I am however in a much better place than I was 1 week, 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, 18 months after his death.

People will go through this process at different speeds, some will never want another partner, some will look for one much quicker, others will find one without particularly looking.

This man may, or may not, be at a stage to move forward with someone new. I wasn't, despite looking for something, and I was very lucky that my new bloke supported me through the myriad of emotions that starting a new relationship brought with it.

I certainly wouldn't tell your sister it is too early for him.

@pickledmybrain

mr quite honestly that is not the case.

You can do what you want to do, people can have consensual sex every night of the week with someone else if they wish, it is none of my business.

However if I was looking to start a serious relationship, someone incapable of being alone for any length of time, someone who just wanted ‘touch’ and never mind who the touch was from, someone who sees others as just there to fulfil a particular role or purpose in their life - would not be for me.

That's not what I said, but feel.free to interpret it how you want.

[quote ChristmasinJune]@MrMeeseekscando you certainly come across as strong and grounded. Sounds like you met partners who were good for you too and respected your memories. [/quote]
Thank you, it's been a hell of a ride!

mr I’m trying to balance my honest thoughts with kindness and it isn’t easy because you insist on taking my general points very personally. However you are the one who has used words like ‘desperate’ and that just isn’t a good starting point for a relationship of any description.

@pickledmybrain

mr I’m trying to balance my honest thoughts with kindness and it isn’t easy because you insist on taking my general points very personally. However you are the one who has used words like ‘desperate’ and that just isn’t a good starting point for a relationship of any description.

You described people like me as weak and pathetic. I'm not about to take your opinions on board

I think needing to be in a relationship at any cost is weak and pathetic, yes.

Other people are not cuddle blankets.

@pickledmybrain

I think needing to be in a relationship at any cost is weak and pathetic, yes.

Other people are not cuddle blankets.

That's not what I said.

Are you always this obtuse when discussing sensitive subjects with people that have lived it?

Sorry for the derail OP
I hope they find happiness

I do wish you’d stop quoting everything I say!

The fact is that we see this differently.
OP has asked for views: I’ve given mine, and you obviously see things differently. I don’t think that makes me particularly ‘obtuse’, people have views on all sorts of things.

Have you ever been widowed pickledmybrain ? I'm guessing probably not.

No, I have never been widowed. I missed the part where OP asked for views from widowers only

@pickledmybrain

I do wish you’d stop quoting everything I say!

The fact is that we see this differently.
OP has asked for views: I’ve given mine, and you obviously see things differently. I don’t think that makes me particularly ‘obtuse’, people have views on all sorts of things.

I love the quote function! Mumsnetters fought for my right to quote!

You can take a good thing too far!

My dad started dating a little bit maybe 9-10 months after my mum died. I think initially it was very much a rebound and loneliness thing. He'd had a very very hard time of it before mum died - she was very unwell for a long time and he'd basically spent a number of years being a carer and effectively a single parent to us.

We didn't hate his first girlfriend. She was nice enough I guess. He never introduced her as a 'girlfriend' and was just a 'friend'. It didn't last long tho, mostly because he wasn't really over Mum.

He started dating my stepmother a couple of years after mum died. I will say, I do believe he absolutely adored my mum, but he's not good at being alone. He isn't hugely social, he doesn't have a massive support structure outside of family. I think someone can both love someone and love being in a relationship.

It was difficult to get a stepmother, but we all coped and we're all very close now. I don't think kids automatically have to hate someone for dating a parent. I like to think I'm a little bit better than that - I wanted my dad to be happy, not solitary and depressed. Some of the comments on here are very brutal.

It's very early days in your sister's potential relationship. It may not work out for a whiole host of reasons but there is no reason why they can't have an initial friendship on a basis both are happy with. They don't not to be making any commitment to each other - it's not booking a registry office in 3 months time.

It may well not work out. One of the reasons it may not work out is your sister's friend's bereavement. It could also be that she can't bear his personal habits or they find each other really annoying when they get to know each other.

I don't think at the moment anyone is suggesting that widowed people shouldn't be allowed friends until they have worked through the grieving process, and there is no reason why they can't start new friendships despite heir bereavement. It is as much for your sister to decide how quickly to move beyond friendship as it is for him.

How old were you when your mum died millie?

My partner and I spoke about this when I was very very ill. I said I would want him to meet someone/other women whenever he was ready in whatever capacity he needed. I also want him to fall in love again one day as I hate the thought of him being lonely and spending years mourning. He said he couldn't imagine doing that to me but I pointed out I've already okayed it and I'm not going to know am I....I'll be dead!

MrMeeseekscando I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound very strong and very loving.

And all posters who have lost a partner, don't let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't grieve. It really is none of their business. Those who are judging are not real friends. Those judging over the internet would have judged you whatever you did.

Personally I'd think it is incredibly cruel and selfish to want your partner to spend decades miserable and grieving over you in the even of your death. You'll be dead so it won't affect you at all!

Life is for living.

I find it depressing that people with no experience of being widowed feel the need to disparage the lived experience of those who do, and judge them on their choices.

I was widowed 18 months ago. I personally do not want to date again, but that doesn't mean that I would judge anyone else. Grief is individual. If you meet someone else the grief doesn't leave you, you learn to live with it and the love you have for your dead partner. Love flexes, you don't stop loving your first child because you have a second, it is the same when a widow meets someone new. It doesn't mean you love your late husband or wife any less. My choice to remain single is nothing to do with never thinking I could love again, or betraying my darling DH. It is because he was such a good kind man, and I know I would be comparing someone new to him, which is unfair. My ex before meeting DH was abusive so I would worry about ending up with a bad one. All reasons to do with me, and none to do with DH. He wanted me to be happy, however I choose to do that.

OP, your sister would need to be prepared to allow the room in her boyfriend's heart for his wife. I will never forget my DH and will always love him, most widows feel the same. His late wife is no threat to your sister, but it may not be easy to be the first post-widowhood relationship as he finds his feet dating. It isn't scandalous or depressing that he wants to try dating for goodness sake.

It doesn't hurt to get to know each other better, he probably wouldn't want to rush - 9 months is not long but circumstances vary (if your spouse is terminally ill you are grieving before they die so it may be less time after for instance and he may be of the "why wait" personality). What harm is it???

But life alone shouldn’t be miserable and grieving and no one is saying that it should be for the rest of your life!

However, when you are reaching out within months, especially when accompanied with words like ‘lonely’ ‘half mad with grief’ ‘hurling loneliness’ ‘seeking comfort’ ‘craving human touch’ - I have every sympathy with you mr but that is not healthy, no matter how much it may be driven by a desire to have an (entirely natural) connection with somebody.

And although this doesn’t apply to the OP, when children are in the equation it really does make for a hideous state of affairs where the adult man losing his wife is more important than little children losing their mother.

@pickledmybrain - I was 14 when she died. 15 when Dad started dating again. She'd been very unwell since I was 12, and got the terminal diagnosis when I was 9, but treatment seemed to be working for a few years. Then it stopped working and the last couple of years were not great, in terms of physical and cognitive decline.

My sisters were 12 and 11. I was 17/18 when he started dating my stepmother and she moved in after I went to university. So, not the easiest age range for anyone!

I'm not going to pretend I was always an angel or was happy to welcome her into the family. At their wedding I hid in the toilets and cried my eyes out. But I always knew that dad was better for having someone there and I knew he'd been close to a breakdown in the last few months - I'd ended up taking on a bunch of carer stuff like bed pans etc and doing some shifts of sitting up with her at nights so he could get a couple of hours break and I knew how fragile he was getting. It was really hard.

Thanks for the psychological assessment.
I'll bear it in mind if this one rudely pops his clogs too

Thanks, milly. I suppose what does stand out to me there is that the teenage girls were somehow expected to process losing their mum but the adult man couldn’t process losing his wife.

That’s fairly similar to what I experienced at a similar age - people would stop me in the street and ask after my dad and how was he coping but no one ever asked after me! There is this helplessness, almost baby-like tendency that is put on men who lose their wives and it isn’t one I have an awful lot of respect for. Perhaps people feel that’s harsh or cruel or unfair, but it really isn’t about not ever wanting people to find love. It’s about recognising the motivation for that and when it’s to replace, that is wrong. When love and affection grow for its own sake, that’s another matter entirely.