Time as a couple

[HatRack]

I'm sure this is a common topic in this forum, and I'm sure I'm going to be pounced on for selfishness, but maybe the vipers can put things into perspective for me.

We are a blended family. My DC (8 & 10) and his DC (10, 10, & 7). We have mine most of the time. We have his 50% of the time.

DH is furloughed. I am working from home (I spend 9 till 6pm in the bedroom working on my laptop). The kids play in their bedrooms for the most part. At 6pm I come downstairs to relax on the sofa with DH. I am Autistic (this is relevant).

On the days when DH's kids are here, we get zero alone time, so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it.

The situation is not helped by the fact that DH thought it would be a good idea to let them stay up every night until we adults go to bed (around 11pm). He made this decision because when we were trying to put the kids to bed at 9.30pm, his kids (not mine) would start tantruming and other delay tactics, so they ended up going to sleep at 11pm anyway. At the time, DH said "You can go to bed when we adults go to bed IF you give us time alone in the evenings." The kids agreed to this. A few weeks have passed and this has not happened. We still have an audience every evening.

The overstimulation for me personally, triggers sensory overload. After a day of working alone my mental health needs to relax and connect with DH. When there is always at least one child asking questions, bumping into me as he pounces on his dad, and commentating over TV, criticising what we are watching, playing his ipad loud - I start feeling shaky and anxious. Recently I've started going to bed early. And I lye awake seething with resentment.

I'm prepared for MN to say IABU, 'it's only 50% of the time'. 'You hate his kids.'

I do NOT hate his kids. I connect and get on very well with them. I make a big effort to initiate conversations. But lockdown (no school) means that this is incredibly pronounced with no end in sight till September. We've lived like this since the schools closed.

I don't think you can banish 5 DC to their bedrooms every evening so you can be alone with your DH, no. That's not how children and families work. It's exhausting, I understand, my DC are the same age as yours, but that's just how it is.

My kids are fine with it

Surely if you were out at work you would spend all evening with the kids? It's called being a parent. 2 hours once a week is reasonable to want though

Well, I think it's sad that your DC have been conditioned to stay in their rooms all night so as not to disturb you.

I believe that you are perfectly entitled to some alone time with your DH.
I had a similar issue recently, although his kids live here full time.
Basically, your DH needs to be the one laying down the boundaries and telling the children to go upstairs in the evening. 11pm bedtimes are ridiculous, they are far too young for that.
To make a relationship work, you and your DH need time together.

When I was in your situation a few months this ago, I told my DH that if he wanted our marriage to survive, he needs to get tougher with his kids and make sure they are upstairs by 9pm at least 3x a week.

I think expecting the kids to be upstairs every evening is unrealistic, but 3x a week is not.

Good luck!

@edwinbear

Well, I think it's sad that your DC have been conditioned to stay in their rooms all night so as not to disturb you.

It was never a battle. No conditioning needed.

@Bookaholic73

I believe that you are perfectly entitled to some alone time with your DH. I had a similar issue recently, although his kids live here full time. Basically, your DH needs to be the one laying down the boundaries and telling the children to go upstairs in the evening. 11pm bedtimes are ridiculous, they are far too young for that. To make a relationship work, you and your DH need time together.

When I was in your situation a few months this ago, I told my DH that if he wanted our marriage to survive, he needs to get tougher with his kids and make sure they are upstairs by 9pm at least 3x a week.

I think expecting the kids to be upstairs every evening is unrealistic, but 3x a week is not.

Good luck!

Yes, I think that's a great compromise. I'd be happy with half of time time his kids are here, 9pm in bedrooms.

The 11pm thing seems something his ex does with them. She also became single a few months ago so probably doesn't gave the same alone time needs as us.

Have

5-6pm - kids spend time with dad, make dinner, bring in washing, set table, tidy up, wash hands etc.

6-8pm, you finish work and sit down to dinner / Family time / games / family walk

8-8.30pm - one of you gets kids ready for bed, one of you sorts kitchen

8.30-9pm - kids in bed reading, listening to headphones

9pm - kids lights out

9-10.30 ish - you and DH time

Surely this makes sense? You have 5 kids aged 7-10 - it's going to be a bit chaotic! You and DH need a new routine.

You are and you aren’t unreasonable.

I feel it is unreasonable to ask children to spend all evening in their room. Especially as they clearly seem to be seeking for connection with you both. I’d be worried about making them feel rejected.

On the other hand it is not unreasonable that you need some quiet time and space after working all day. I am very similar to this and get so overwhelmed and grumpy from constant demands. Maybe you need to look at how you can get what you need within the family routine. Maybe you could have 30 mins alone after work before you have to do anything for anyone else. Maybe once a week you have a date night where they know they have to leave you both to have space?

It’s hard because it does seem that both toy and the children have conflicting needs and it’ll take compromise and understanding to find a routine that works for you all.

Do you expect kids to stay in their rooms most of the day and evening? You think 6pm should be childfree time?

Isn't DH doing anything with the kids during the day?

When do you connect with your kids? What happens at weekends?

So when do you spend any time with any of the children? I definitely understand the need to unwind, but I think an earlier bedtime makes more sense. At 6pm it's not unreasonable to have kids spend time with their dad. Your children may not be bothered as that's your routine with them. There has to be some compromise here. It sounds like your partner wants to spend time with them in the evening too.

Im sat here crying. I was expecting you all to say iabu

I think what people are saying is that YABU to expect them to stay in their rooms from 6pm - 11pm when they currently go to bed.

YANBU to expect them all to be in bed by 9pm so you and DH can have some time together then.

My kids are fine with it

I don't think you're wrong but I'm reading that your own kids play upstairs all day and then have to do it for another couple of hours after you finish work?

I’d get them up a bit earlier in the morning and enforce bedtime by 9/9.30pm for the younger two and 10ish for the older ones.
That gives you an hour of peace.

But you’re not easily going to get from where you are to where you want to be I don’t think. Can you start work at 8 and go off for a walk 5-6pm?

You wouldn't spend all evening in the bedroom so why would the children? It's their living room too. Your quiet time should be after they've gone to bed.

@gamerchick

My kids are fine with it

I don't think you're wrong but I'm reading that your own kids play upstairs all day and then have to do it for another couple of hours after you finish work?

This has been during lockdown. My kids are content playing on their ipads, etc. I'm working on a very time sensitive project which requires a high degree of work but it has an end date.

@maildaily

You wouldn't spend all evening in the bedroom so why would the children? It's their living room too. Your quiet time should be after they've gone to bed.

The 'rule' is they go to bed when we do. Because thats what their mum does. And the kids like to use that as leverage.

So when do you see your own kids? Seriously, you're coming across as a bit selfish, you can't put your kids in a box.

Compromise, you'll have to move your bonding time to later on and enforce a bedtime.

Is your oh not spending time with the kids in the day as he is furloughed?

@AIMD

Is your oh not spending time with the kids in the day as he is furloughed?

He offers to, but most of the time the kids aren't interested - until the evening.

Re: compromise, I'm 100% for that.

I don't understand why you had children at all tbh - you want your own kids, nevermind your stepkids, banished to their rooms all day AND all evening so you can spend time with your DH? Poor kids. I get needing some quiet time, but what about half an hour after work then again at 9pm?

I think US I. I'm a single parent, my down time is after DD goes to bed around 8 pm. You're a family, both yours and his kids. You have 5 kids, you can't just compartmentalize them away. Kids want to feel they are part of the family too and be social.

I agree with pp poster about having a routine. Absolutely fine to say after 8.39pm is adult time but before then I think it's cruel to expect the kids to disappear for your sake.

I'm bloody knackered when I get home from work but I still have DD 7 clambering for my attention and at the end of the day I'm a parent so I need to engage with her. Hope you can find a routine that works.