Time as a couple

[HatRack]

I'm sure this is a common topic in this forum, and I'm sure I'm going to be pounced on for selfishness, but maybe the vipers can put things into perspective for me.

We are a blended family. My DC (8 & 10) and his DC (10, 10, & 7). We have mine most of the time. We have his 50% of the time.

DH is furloughed. I am working from home (I spend 9 till 6pm in the bedroom working on my laptop). The kids play in their bedrooms for the most part. At 6pm I come downstairs to relax on the sofa with DH. I am Autistic (this is relevant).

On the days when DH's kids are here, we get zero alone time, so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it.

The situation is not helped by the fact that DH thought it would be a good idea to let them stay up every night until we adults go to bed (around 11pm). He made this decision because when we were trying to put the kids to bed at 9.30pm, his kids (not mine) would start tantruming and other delay tactics, so they ended up going to sleep at 11pm anyway. At the time, DH said "You can go to bed when we adults go to bed IF you give us time alone in the evenings." The kids agreed to this. A few weeks have passed and this has not happened. We still have an audience every evening.

The overstimulation for me personally, triggers sensory overload. After a day of working alone my mental health needs to relax and connect with DH. When there is always at least one child asking questions, bumping into me as he pounces on his dad, and commentating over TV, criticising what we are watching, playing his ipad loud - I start feeling shaky and anxious. Recently I've started going to bed early. And I lye awake seething with resentment.

I'm prepared for MN to say IABU, 'it's only 50% of the time'. 'You hate his kids.'

I do NOT hate his kids. I connect and get on very well with them. I make a big effort to initiate conversations. But lockdown (no school) means that this is incredibly pronounced with no end in sight till September. We've lived like this since the schools closed.

I meant UABU

What does he do during the day? What do you do when you are working away from the home?

I think the solution is to ensure the kids go to bed by 9 so you get a couple of hours alone. All the kids. And go out once a week so you are away from the house

It is unreasonable to expect his or your kids to stay in their rooms all evening

Can you sit in the garden with a glass of wine with your H? Or in the kitchen? Do you all have to sit in the sitting room?

I have 2 sitting rooms now, and mostly teens, so I do get to be alone all evening after dinner but our dinner now goes on until 8 or 9.

My kids are content playing on their ipads, etc so they're just alone, on screens for what, 12 hours a day?

It great you’re willing to compromise. Maybe you could include the children in making a new evening/weekly routine that works for everyone. Include a little of what you want and a little of what they want. I do think you need to talk to your oh about consistency though as he needs to stick to the agreed routine and now allow his kids to play him. Kids that age don’t need the exact same rules at both households, small things can vary between households so long as they are clear on what the rules are.

I hope this doesn’t sound overly harsh op but are you sure your children are ‘content’ or are they being sucked into Being on YouTube/fortnight for 10 hrs a day? Most children would need more interaction than this and some support to have a healthy routine and supervision over their iPad/internet usage.

@HatRack

My kids are fine with it

It doesn't matter. You need to spend some time with them. At least an hour or two!!

Your step kids need boundaries yes. But you aren't just a couple that get to cosy up every evening after work. You have a family to think of. Can you please look at some guides or something for advice? This sounds horrible for your children. I understand burnout I suffer from it my self - I am dyspraxic and undiagnosed asc. Please rectify this before your kids resent you as adults. They are very very young.

He needs to insist they go out during the day. My DC would happily surgically attach their eyeballs to their screens, but we insist they get out and about during the day, because 12 hours a day in front of ipads/gaming is not good for them.

and I'm wfh all day too, but I do emerge from the room I'm working from regularly to speak to my children, eat with them or have a drink or just as a touch point. (and to sometimes go for a walk with them). It seems harsh to leave the children all alone all day

@GardenOfRaman

I don't understand why you had children at all tbh - you want your own kids, nevermind your stepkids, banished to their rooms all day AND all evening so you can spend time with your DH? Poor kids. I get needing some quiet time, but what about half an hour after work then again at 9pm?

That sounds fabulous, but as I said, the kids go to bed when we do.

And no, they are not banished to their rooms all day! They choose to.

@AnnaNimmity

What does he do during the day? What do you do when you are working away from the home?

I think the solution is to ensure the kids go to bed by 9 so you get a couple of hours alone. All the kids. And go out once a week so you are away from the house

It is unreasonable to expect his or your kids to stay in their rooms all evening

Can you sit in the garden with a glass of wine with your H? Or in the kitchen? Do you all have to sit in the sitting room?

I have 2 sitting rooms now, and mostly teens, so I do get to be alone all evening after dinner but our dinner now goes on until 8 or 9.

Garden - they follow.

9pm bedtime - ideal but they won't go because it's not what their mother does.

That sounds fabulous, but as I said, the kids go to bed when we do

Yes, and a PP suggested a 9pm bedtime then you get your own time.

I feel really sad for your children. Imagine knowing your mum wanted you shut away all the time so she could relax with her new husband.

As other PPs have said, I highly doubt your children are happy with this arrangement.

You're actively avoiding what you don't want to hear. Having read the whole thread I don't think this can be real. This is absolutely awful. Stop blaming your step kids and their mother for your refusal to make allowances for the children in your household.

Have 30mins chill out with the family (Not attending to them after work). Then family time/evening meal. Then up to bed 8-8.30 lights out later on at a time you choose. Set an alarm for them for this so they get into a routine. I personally think 11pm is too late.

It's your house. It's up to you both to enforce the rules whilst the children are there. Don't let them walk all over you now or when they get older it will get worse and everything will be 'but at mum's...'

What happens at weekends?

You're actively avoiding what you don't want to hear

I agree. The fact the stepkids do things differently with their mum (who it seems, actually wants to spend time with her own children, unlike the OP!) is neither here nor there. I'm not sure what OP wants us to say - it's totally unreasonable for children to want to spend any time with adults and they should be happy with an iPad each and a tray of food left outside the door 3 times a day?!

@AnnaNimmity

and I'm wfh all day too, but I do emerge from the room I'm working from regularly to speak to my children, eat with them or have a drink or just as a touch point. (and to sometimes go for a walk with them). It seems harsh to leave the children all alone all day

Of course I do this.

This thread has been very instructive. Thank you for everyone who has contributed.

The 11pm thing will continue indefinitely because of poor discipline and I will decide a way to deal with it.

As I said, I expected to be told IABU. I wanted to be brought back down to earth. Being autistic I accept that my reactions ti things may not be proportional.

I showed this thread to DH and he's very happy for the validation.

Firstly I feel really for your kids that they see so little of the resident parent. You work til 6, fine, needs myst, but you them expect them to be in their rooms all nught? When and where do they eat their evening meal?

Of course do should parent better. if he wont, will you all going to bed at 9 work? Then you and Duncan sit, have some time together in bed?

Cont your kids go their dad's more and clash out with when you don't have dps kids so you have no kids in the house one or two night's aweek?

@HatRack

This thread has been very instructive. Thank you for everyone who has contributed.

The 11pm thing will continue indefinitely because of poor discipline and I will decide a way to deal with it.

As I said, I expected to be told IABU. I wanted to be brought back down to earth. Being autistic I accept that my reactions ti things may not be proportional.

I showed this thread to DH and he's very happy for the validation.

Make sure he reads the bits where It says he needs to parent better and send his children to bed at a reasonable time

My kids dad is dead.

And contrary to what you guys think, they dont want to sit with adults. One in particular won't come down unless I force him.

I'm glad MN said iabu because at least now I have some degree of certainty to work with.

These 11pm bedtimes are soul destroying for me BUT I am autistic not deluded. When strangers say iabu then I listen. I need to adapt. I could possibly get my adult contact from friends in the evening by going out.

Fair play to you for taking the comments onboard OP. If the 11pm bedtime is not achievable right now, can they go to their rooms at 9pm and spend time on screens between 9pm-11pm? Screens before sleep isn’t ideal but might be a compromise for now?

Sorry - I meant if the 9pm bedtime isn’t achievable right now.

They have screens all the time, even when in the livingroom in the evening, they bring screens.

The work project I am devoting a lot of time to will mean a massive boost in income once it is complete. I am not the shit mother I've been accused of being on here. I can't do right.

I think OP you either say to you OH that it's a 9pm bedtime in your house and insist on that (regardless of what their mother says - children will understand rules can be different in your house - but your OH needs to lead on this) Or you accept they're around all evening and maybe play games with them, watch tv with them.

It's only 50% of the time, so you do get time on your own the rest of the time, so it's not too overwhelming really is it?

@AnnaNimmity

I think OP you either say to you OH that it's a 9pm bedtime in your house and insist on that (regardless of what their mother says - children will understand rules can be different in your house - but your OH needs to lead on this) Or you accept they're around all evening and maybe play games with them, watch tv with them.

It's only 50% of the time, so you do get time on your own the rest of the time, so it's not too overwhelming really is it?

I've accepted the situation.

They won't stay in their rooms post 9pm, so I just have to deal with it. It's 50% of the time so. Just, some days are particularly stressful and if that happens to be a day when his kids are Im pretty much fucked for respite.

Being told iabu might help me to sleep better instead of staying awake with anger and resentment

Ah, I see. So they want to be in the living room, with you, all evening but staring at their screens? If they’re anything like DS (also 10), that means shouting at their online mates, chuckling to themselves, wanting to show you stuff and for DD, wriggling about doing tik tok dances. We had that, it drove me batshit.

So past 9pm, they can sit quietly with you, watching a film or similar. If they want to be on screens, they have to go to their rooms. And your DH has to back you up on that.

During the day, they have to go out for a couple of hours, then they can fill their boots with screens.