Time as a couple

[HatRack]

I'm sure this is a common topic in this forum, and I'm sure I'm going to be pounced on for selfishness, but maybe the vipers can put things into perspective for me.

We are a blended family. My DC (8 & 10) and his DC (10, 10, & 7). We have mine most of the time. We have his 50% of the time.

DH is furloughed. I am working from home (I spend 9 till 6pm in the bedroom working on my laptop). The kids play in their bedrooms for the most part. At 6pm I come downstairs to relax on the sofa with DH. I am Autistic (this is relevant).

On the days when DH's kids are here, we get zero alone time, so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it.

The situation is not helped by the fact that DH thought it would be a good idea to let them stay up every night until we adults go to bed (around 11pm). He made this decision because when we were trying to put the kids to bed at 9.30pm, his kids (not mine) would start tantruming and other delay tactics, so they ended up going to sleep at 11pm anyway. At the time, DH said "You can go to bed when we adults go to bed IF you give us time alone in the evenings." The kids agreed to this. A few weeks have passed and this has not happened. We still have an audience every evening.

The overstimulation for me personally, triggers sensory overload. After a day of working alone my mental health needs to relax and connect with DH. When there is always at least one child asking questions, bumping into me as he pounces on his dad, and commentating over TV, criticising what we are watching, playing his ipad loud - I start feeling shaky and anxious. Recently I've started going to bed early. And I lye awake seething with resentment.

I'm prepared for MN to say IABU, 'it's only 50% of the time'. 'You hate his kids.'

I do NOT hate his kids. I connect and get on very well with them. I make a big effort to initiate conversations. But lockdown (no school) means that this is incredibly pronounced with no end in sight till September. We've lived like this since the schools closed.

" I had an answer as to whether kids wanting to be downstairs was 100% my kids being defiant, or just unrealistic as a blanket rule"

• Dh view on this thread.

The fact that they CHOOSE to spend all day in their rooms and REFUSE to go to bed at a reasonable time means nothing. Fuck being autistic because I can't understand this.

I think you need to apply some flexibility. It seems part of the problem is you want not only your DH to yourself but also the living room? As others have said, the step kids are only there half the time, if you really can't bear to be around them (or back up your husband on getting them to bed at 9pm) why can't you go to another room? It's his house too, and maybe he actually wants to spend time with them especially as they're not there half the time?

I'm also really curious to know where the kids eat, and how you keep them safe online? Being left alone so much of the time when they're not even teenagers yet sounds so horrible. What did you do when they were toddlers? Honestly I am shocked that you just ignore them and leave them alone in their rooms (almost) 24/7 like this.

And I’m giving advice when DD is still in her onesie having not got dressed today and spent 12hrs on screens. But, she has had a play date this week and was out all day yesterday on her bike. So I let today slide as I was in back to back Zoom meetings.

or back up your husband on getting them to bed at 9pm

Sorry, I know he isn't necessarily aiming for 9pm and it's not just not happening because of you. I meant one option is that you two work as a team to be firm about a 9pm bedtime.

Have you been crystal clear with DP about your need for things to change? To me a big part of the issue here is a failure on his part to parent/set boundaries - if 9pm was agreed then he needs to enforce that. If he feels doing it every night isn't fair/workable/whatever else, he should say so. And could he possibly do something like take them for an evening walk so you get a chance to decompress?

@GardenOfRaman

or back up your husband on getting them to bed at 9pm

Sorry, I know he isn't necessarily aiming for 9pm and it's not just not happening because of you. I meant one option is that you two work as a team to be firm about a 9pm bedtime.

He doesn't want a set bedtime for them because they won't listen

@EssentialHummus

Have you been crystal clear with DP about your need for things to change? To me a big part of the issue here is a failure on his part to parent/set boundaries - if 9pm was agreed then he needs to enforce that. If he feels doing it every night isn't fair/workable/whatever else, he should say so. And could he possibly do something like take them for an evening walk so you get a chance to decompress?

He's seen this thread.

Just to make it absolutely clear:

Dh does not want 9pm bedtime.

He wants bedtime "when we go to bed"

Your poor kids get no time with you. Yabvu.

@HatRack

Just to make it absolutely clear:

Dh does not want 9pm bedtime.

He wants bedtime "when we go to bed"

Ok.

You're replying quite selectively.

My kids dad is dead. My apologiesop, you said your kids are with you most of the time

Urgh lost my message!

The issue, regarding lack of time in the evening, sounds like a parent ting issue on your husbands behalf. Not giving them a bedtime because they won’t listen is not very good. He need to find a way to enforce a bedtime not allow them to dictate bedtimes. I do feel for you because it must be hard balancing what you want with what everyone else thinks should happen. Being blunt though it does seem slack to allow children to stay up until dad goes to bed just because they want to stay up or kick up a fuss.

Sounds like you’re at a really busy point with work at the moment. That must be adding to your stress. Hopefully you can have some leave or longer rest and quality time after the busy period is passed. I would want to rethink the open access to the iPads though. Simply because at their ages you don’t know what they’re accessing all day long or who might be trying to interact with them.

@AIMD

Urgh lost my message!

The issue, regarding lack of time in the evening, sounds like a parent ting issue on your husbands behalf. Not giving them a bedtime because they won’t listen is not very good. He need to find a way to enforce a bedtime not allow them to dictate bedtimes. I do feel for you because it must be hard balancing what you want with what everyone else thinks should happen. Being blunt though it does seem slack to allow children to stay up until dad goes to bed just because they want to stay up or kick up a fuss.

Sounds like you’re at a really busy point with work at the moment. That must be adding to your stress. Hopefully you can have some leave or longer rest and quality time after the busy period is passed. I would want to rethink the open access to the iPads though. Simply because at their ages you don’t know what they’re accessing all day long or who might be trying to interact with them.

Thank you for the empathy.

His kids dictate bedtime because I assume DH has the trope "daddy guilt". Consequently, they have zero respect for him. But I feel powerless.

I think there are 2 things here.
The lack of structure for their bedtime. This is important to keep boundaries and the sending them to their room so you & partner can have alone time.
I understand the bedtime but the alone time? When is your family time?
If man had written that he would be crucified on here.
It's not your kids choice to be a blended family.

I don't think you're unreasonable. I think your choice is to suck it up or to leave your dh.

It's simple really

But I think you do only have them 50% of the time, so at least 3 days a week you just have your dcs at home who do go to bed at 9. isn't 3 days a week enough to be with your dh? Most couples don't get much alone time.

And also, there is also the option of leaving the house. Go to the pub. Have some adult time. It's not rocket science.

@Aerial2020

I think there are 2 things here. The lack of structure for their bedtime. This is important to keep boundaries and the sending them to their room so you & partner can have alone time. I understand the bedtime but the alone time? When is your family time? If man had written that he would be crucified on here. It's not your kids choice to be a blended family.

There's no compromise as I can't parent his kids and send them to bed at 9pm.

". I think your choice is to suck it up or to leave your dh."

I know.

We are a really good couple aside from this so I wont leave.

Wow. I think you are both very selfish individuals. Yes we all crave some time as a couple occasionally but seriously it’s called being a family. That is dreadful to expect young children to be banished to their room.

@MissAli74

Wow. I think you are both very selfish individuals. Yes we all crave some time as a couple occasionally but seriously it’s called being a family. That is dreadful to expect young children to be banished to their room.

I get why I'm selfish, but why is he?

But you chose to be with him when you knew he had children???
You can't rewrite it now cos this isn't suiting you.
Your poor kids. You chose to be a lended family and that brings challenges. All the time.
If you didn't want this stress then choose a man with no kids?? There's plenty out there

You really a good couple aside from this?
You make it soubd like they are extra baggage in the way.

@Aerial2020

But you chose to be with him when you knew he had children??? You can't rewrite it now cos this isn't suiting you. Your poor kids. You chose to be a lended family and that brings challenges. All the time. If you didn't want this stress then choose a man with no kids?? There's plenty out there

Drip feed:

He didn't have 50/50 when we met. His kids were also better behaved and had a decent bedtime.

I want a man with kids.

Why do you want a man with kids? It doesn't seem like you want to be aroumd your own kids, never mind anyone else's.

I'm confused.

What time do your own children spend with you all?

And 11pm bedtime is ridiculous. Doesn't matter what their mother does. your house, your rules - bedtime is 9pm. Maybe 9.30 at weekends.