Time as a couple

[HatRack]

I'm sure this is a common topic in this forum, and I'm sure I'm going to be pounced on for selfishness, but maybe the vipers can put things into perspective for me.

We are a blended family. My DC (8 & 10) and his DC (10, 10, & 7). We have mine most of the time. We have his 50% of the time.

DH is furloughed. I am working from home (I spend 9 till 6pm in the bedroom working on my laptop). The kids play in their bedrooms for the most part. At 6pm I come downstairs to relax on the sofa with DH. I am Autistic (this is relevant).

On the days when DH's kids are here, we get zero alone time, so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it.

The situation is not helped by the fact that DH thought it would be a good idea to let them stay up every night until we adults go to bed (around 11pm). He made this decision because when we were trying to put the kids to bed at 9.30pm, his kids (not mine) would start tantruming and other delay tactics, so they ended up going to sleep at 11pm anyway. At the time, DH said "You can go to bed when we adults go to bed IF you give us time alone in the evenings." The kids agreed to this. A few weeks have passed and this has not happened. We still have an audience every evening.

The overstimulation for me personally, triggers sensory overload. After a day of working alone my mental health needs to relax and connect with DH. When there is always at least one child asking questions, bumping into me as he pounces on his dad, and commentating over TV, criticising what we are watching, playing his ipad loud - I start feeling shaky and anxious. Recently I've started going to bed early. And I lye awake seething with resentment.

I'm prepared for MN to say IABU, 'it's only 50% of the time'. 'You hate his kids.'

I do NOT hate his kids. I connect and get on very well with them. I make a big effort to initiate conversations. But lockdown (no school) means that this is incredibly pronounced with no end in sight till September. We've lived like this since the schools closed.

Then change it. The only way is to speak to your DH
What is the point of being a couple if you can't discuss these things?
You're not really listening OP, to change the behaviour you need to understand WHY
By speaking to your Dh and getting a new routine. Not 'well they just have to go to bed' Even if they are 'spoiled brats' you as parents have made them that way. They have learnt this from your dymanincs and they way you parent as a couple
They are too young to take responsibility, you have to do it for them and put in the boundaries.
You are going around in circles.

DH hates confrontation and has daddy guilt. He's doing the kids no favours but can't see that.

At least I have sanity 50% of the time.

I think you have been given a hard time here and I feel for you, we have 6 children (blended family) and my DH children stay with us full time it's tough and some nights(most nights) I'm on countdown to bedtime just to get a breather, I'm not sure there is any solution to this except on the nights his kids stay then maybe give yourself an hour or two upstairs quietly reading or FaceTime a friend of family member then the nights his DC don't stay make the most of your alone time..

“Poor children” because OP is wfh in a study from 9am to 6pm (while her H, not currently working, parents) and would like DC aged 10 and under to go to bed at 9pm?

Give over.

Sexism!

This is a mess

I am single parent with 2 teenagers and I work full time

I see a huge change in my 15yo since she basically went to school one day in March, was told to go home, no exams, no prom, no meeting with friends etc and she’s stuck here at home till at least September, I’m working all day. She has a lovely room with a Tv and ‘everything’ she could want and she is bored out of her mind. Yes she sits in there of her own accord to let me work but this is going to drive any kid stir crazy for months on end. I am tired after work but I force her to come spend time with me so she is getting interaction and not at risk of getting depressed. I feel so bad for her and I am constantly trying to think of or encourage her to do little projects, baking, crafts, walking the dog. I have to push her - because that’s what parenting is about. You seem to have no feelings towards any of the DC really and they are all passively doing their own thing because neither of you are leading them

No one in your household is in charge or leading the way with parenting. This is down to you both. You chose to blend the family together and this is how it needs to be

They should not be just moving from bedroom to living room and back again for 12 hours a day

WHY is no one going out on a walk? A bike ride? Why are you all trapped in the house from 8am-11pm with just each other and the internet. It’s so unhealthy and going to lead to this situation exactly.

It can just be for DH to change. Are you not part of the household too?

What @Menora said.

I was about to post - how open would you be to the kids doing stuff in and around the house during the day?

Playing in the garden?

Riding bikes, playing with friends in the street or park ?

How would you feel if they were playing board games or jumping on a trampoline?

Why can’t you play board games or go for a walk or to the park in the evening?

I have a feeling you want them to be quiet and that’s why they’re in their rooms.

But they are poor kids because they are not being parented well. They seem to get few quality experiences during the day (including your kids) then are expected to stay in their rooms all night. Not on. No wonder they follow you around as you've made it so clear you don't want to spend time with you that they probably have attachment insecurities.
Then the lack of discipline is also terrible for them.
You are storing up many problems for yourselves. Soon you'll have 3 teenagers and if they already won't do anything you say- imagine what life will be like then.

I feel sorry for you on here being bashed by the stepmother bashers. Your DH furloughed and should he parenting his kids in the day. He's a lazy git. And he's too wet and enforce a routine off-screens. I would have lost a serious amount of respect for him over lockdown. Doesn't he feel any guilt at neglecting them all day? What does he do with his days? Does he have a hobby?

I can see how this situation evolves and I live next door to a family who never do anything with DC or go outside
Their DC are very pale and they rarely play in the garden or go outside and game all day.
For some this seems like an ideal situation!

But OP, your 8yo DC is sitting in their room all day and this doesn’t concern you? You think that by doing this they have a choice? What are any of the other options? What other options do your DH DC have? What kind of bedroom do they have? Why do you assume that the internet and a games console is what all children need - they don’t. They need other types of stimulation and neither of you are providing a suitable environment for the DC to thrive and learn if they are discouraged from talking to adults. All 5 of them are making up the household rules of who does what when, and your DH parenting sounds less than desirable - what on EARTH is he doing all day? Is he not taking these kids to the park? Why is he letting them choose?

10 and 7yo’s are going to have an incredible amount of energy to run off and sitting in their room will not do that. This is why they are seemingly overbearing. No one is wearing them out.

Does anyone play with them other than on a screen? Any of the DC? I would have thought you was talking about kids at least 5 years older than what you are with the expectation you have of them. At 7/8 mine were running around all day

@isthisit22 is spot on. It's not enough to just provide for them materially. Your own kids seem used to not getting any attention from you (well, they seek you out occasionally by the sounds of it, but know all evening to leave you alone and just help themselves to drinks!). Do you ever initiate spending time with them? And you've completely ignored all questions about their internet safety.

Agree this is a lot down to the DH who isn’t even working.

He should be out of that house all day with the DC at the park, beach, forest, on bikes. I gather he is also sitting watching a screen all day too?

OP’s DH is furloughed, so is supposed to be parenting during the day.

OP hasn’t said she wants “all evening”: she stops work at 6 and would like them in bed by 9. That’s 3 hours.

He doesn’t have daddy guilt if he did he would make more effort to spend meaningful time with his children and not just giving them an iPad

so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it

She ideally wants to come down at 6 and have the evening with her DH is how I read that (happy to accept I might be wrong) and is compromising over 9pm bedtime.

I wonder why her DH isn’t playing with the kids, engaging with them, taking them out and about during the day?

@Dozer

“Poor children” because OP is wfh in a study from 9am to 6pm (while her H, not currently working, parents) and would like DC aged 10 and under to go to bed at 9pm?

Give over.

Sexism!

Thank you!

Also, who is doing schoolwork with the kids?

@Mydogisthebestest

What *@Menora* said.

I was about to post - how open would you be to the kids doing stuff in and around the house during the day?

Playing in the garden?

Riding bikes, playing with friends in the street or park ?

How would you feel if they were playing board games or jumping on a trampoline?

Why can’t you play board games or go for a walk or to the park in the evening?

I have a feeling you want them to be quiet and that’s why they’re in their rooms.

Not at all. I have white noise on whilst I work so cannot hear anything outside the bedroom. Dh said I miss loads of drama that way.

Not sure why people are being harsh to op. 9 is a perfectly reasonable bedtime. That gives a few hours for interaction with the children etc.

I do think there needs to be more done with all the children in the day and more boundaries but her OH should be doing that if he’s off and lockdown has been such a hard period for everyone.

I wonder if people are eating to a seeming lack of comment on the kids needs? That might be because the post is about her needs and she is struggling at the moment with lockdown and a busy work situation. Probably like a lot of other parents at the moment

9pm is a reasonable bed time
No one here seems to have said it isn’t

@HatRack have you asked your DH to take the children out and about during the day? Or asked him why he isn’t doing this?

Why are none of you leaving the house?? It sounds like there are 5 kids glued to screens for 12 hours + a day while you work.. and your Dp does what exactly? Why is he not taking the kids out to parks, on bike rides, for days out? Not all at once fair enough but it sounds like they are hyper, bored, lacking exercise and in a rut. I'm not necessarily judging as lockdown has been hard for working parents juggling kids.. but there is also a furloughed adult in the house doing jack shit with 5 kids all day!

You need some routine and structure to your days now lockdown is easing. Throw out the old rules and start from scratch with your dp pulling his weight.

She said that he feebly suggests it, kids say no so they all stay indoors. It isn’t completely clear from OP but it sounds like OP has boys and DH has girls. This is a different dynamic

She doesn't want them to be in bed at 9pm really though, she wants them to stay in their rooms 24/7 like her kids do.

I don't think people are stepmother bashing. I'm more concerned about her own children who barely get any adult interaction at all. And if a man wrote this saying he wanted his stepkids banished all evening (like his own kids) so he could have his wife to himself he'd be torn to shreds and rightly so.

Wow @HatRack so you put white noise on too so you can’t even hear your poor children. And then when you finish work you don’t want to know them. You “need” one on one time with your DH.

Tell me when do you actually parent your children and spend time with them? They are in bed at 9. You want them out of sight 6-9 and you work all day until 6. Do you squeeze them in for half an hour over breakfast or is that too much for you too?

As someone who grew up in a house where we were always wanted. Where we spent the evenings playing cards and board games and went on walks and were brought to music lessons and had play dates with my mother making tea for us and our friends. A house filled with love, action and attention.

Your poor children have such a deprived childhood and if you think buying them an iPad is you being a good parent and ‘denying them nothing’ then you need to think again. I’m shocked.

And I don’t know why you bothered posting you’re only replying to posters who agree with you and to be honest I don’t think they fully understand that it’s not about waning the kids going to bed at 9. It’s wanting them in bed at 9, in their room 6-9 and out of your sight the rest of the day.

When did your poor 8 year old start being ‘happy’ to stay in their room all day? Did you ever think this is because they feel so unwelcome in your presence?