Time as a couple

[HatRack]

I'm sure this is a common topic in this forum, and I'm sure I'm going to be pounced on for selfishness, but maybe the vipers can put things into perspective for me.

We are a blended family. My DC (8 & 10) and his DC (10, 10, & 7). We have mine most of the time. We have his 50% of the time.

DH is furloughed. I am working from home (I spend 9 till 6pm in the bedroom working on my laptop). The kids play in their bedrooms for the most part. At 6pm I come downstairs to relax on the sofa with DH. I am Autistic (this is relevant).

On the days when DH's kids are here, we get zero alone time, so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it.

The situation is not helped by the fact that DH thought it would be a good idea to let them stay up every night until we adults go to bed (around 11pm). He made this decision because when we were trying to put the kids to bed at 9.30pm, his kids (not mine) would start tantruming and other delay tactics, so they ended up going to sleep at 11pm anyway. At the time, DH said "You can go to bed when we adults go to bed IF you give us time alone in the evenings." The kids agreed to this. A few weeks have passed and this has not happened. We still have an audience every evening.

The overstimulation for me personally, triggers sensory overload. After a day of working alone my mental health needs to relax and connect with DH. When there is always at least one child asking questions, bumping into me as he pounces on his dad, and commentating over TV, criticising what we are watching, playing his ipad loud - I start feeling shaky and anxious. Recently I've started going to bed early. And I lye awake seething with resentment.

I'm prepared for MN to say IABU, 'it's only 50% of the time'. 'You hate his kids.'

I do NOT hate his kids. I connect and get on very well with them. I make a big effort to initiate conversations. But lockdown (no school) means that this is incredibly pronounced with no end in sight till September. We've lived like this since the schools closed.

Apologies if this has been asked before, but you say you're autistic - what about your children? I wonder if that's why they're happy to spend all evening in their room? If you're used to that it's no wonder you find his children a challenge. But I you do need to find a way to make this work for all of you and your DH needs to step up and be a parent, especially at bedtime

@AMID she wants the children to go to bed at 9 but to stay in their rooms from 6-9 while she has one on one time with her DH. So no time with the children at all - step children or her own. This is the reason people are being harsh. It’s outrageous.

OP hasn’t said that: she’s said she wants a reasonable bedtime for all the DC and time with her H after that.

That's a good point, @MyGhastIsFlabbered. One of my children has HF ASD and he would LOVE to be allowed to spend all day alone on a screen. But it wouldn't be good for him, so he's not allowed to and has to go outside and exercise every day (even though it's quite a faff to persuade him to do so. Maybe I should just buy him an iPad, leave him to it and safe myself the bother?).

And @Thereisalight7 you make some great points too. I doubt OP will answer though as there is a lot if selective reading/responding going on. I've asked many times how the children are kept safe online and been ignored.

Honestly I just feel so sorry for these kids.

She wants to relax on the sofa with just her DH from 6pm. Ideally that’s what she wants. She gets that on the days it’s just her kids, but his kids don’t do that so she would compromise with 9pm.

So so so sad for those kids.

@Dozer you didn’t read the op clearly. As she said

“ At 6pm I come downstairs to relax on the sofa with DH I am Autistic (this is relevant).

On the days when DH's kids are here, we get zero alone time, so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs

@Dozer

OP hasn’t said that: she’s said she wants a reasonable bedtime for all the DC and time with her H after that.

From the OP... when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it

Definitely sounds like she wants them out of the way all evening, not there til 9pm.

I'm a SM. I dont think either of your are being particularly good parents.

It is piss poor parenting that your child spend day in day out in their rooms until bed time.

It is equally piss poor parenting that your Dh children dont have proper bed times.

This isnt a heathly functioning family either side of the blending.

Lockdown and the lack of space between work and home is very challenging and is burn out potential for most people. That isnt an excuse to abdicate your parental responsibilities though to allow your young children to stay on iPads day in day out with little control or family time.

You and your DH need to sit down and completely reassess how your family is functioning.

You both need to put structure on your family through out the day and a bed time in place.

You should build in time for you to decompress after work but should not be dependent on any of your children in the family being sent to their rooms for hours a day. Switch of your laptop and leave the house go for a walk or sit in your car.

Then come in and begin your evening routine.

Your ask isnt really a 9pm bedtime that wasnt the point of your post. That wouldnt be unreasonable

Your ask of all the children pretty much not being seen from when you finish work until when you think they should be in bed at 9. That is unreasonable.

@Thereisalight7 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I think ‘the children who like to spend time in their rooms’ are children who have been continually ignored and dismissed by their mother so now sit in their rooms as they know she has no interest in them. So sad, especially considering they’ve lost their father.

Look I’m childfree & intend time remain this way & introverted so I can relate to your need for quiet time.

It sounds like your children have grown up with you from day 1 - they are YOUR children & as such have adapted to cope with your need for quiet time. Aside from what sounds like arguably an unhealthy amount of screen time, you have successfully managed to parent your children in a way that suits your lifestyle. They are used to this routine.

Your husband’s children are only recently with you 50% of the time & the stress or Covid has put a magnifying glass on this issue, as you must feel in a pressure cooker type situation when you can’t escape what sounds like rambunctious/spirited behaviour. This too would do my head in, need my home to be peaceful. This is why I choose to only have dogs.

At the end of the day, it appears you have the cliche PARTNER PROBLEM - not a child problem. You & your husband are not a team, he refuses to discipline his kids & they are running the show. It is madness that such young children are still up at 11pm at night.

Make no mistake - Giving them only what they want & not what they need is a huge detriment to them long term. It will not help to build a good character. They sound rather annoying from what you’ve written here.

It sounds like you don’t have much hope for your partner being able to step up here, so maybe you can get more alone time by taking a bath in the evenings, or working in a different room during the day, so in the evenings you can retire to your bedroom early for peace + quiet.

I think some posters have given good advice here. This is not a SM witch hunt. You are both poor parents in different ways, the difference is one of you is clearly working and stressed and the other is doing nothing all day

@HatRack late reply, but my two girls (both under 2) are asleep by 8. and my two boys (6&12) go to bed when me and their dad go to bed at about 10. later bedtimes and later wake ups work for us. so we’re in the same situation, but 1) i don’t mind the later bedtime and 2) i don’t pack my kids off upstairs all night so i can be alone with my partner.

Update: DH and I had a thorough talk and agreed that kids will let us have adult time from 9pm. After that time they can come down for drinks and snacks but the livingroom is out of bounds.

Sounds good?

Well, two of his kids have started to tantrum (the two ten year olds). Shouting. Emotional blackmail. Needing to be physically removed.

My anxiety is sky high. This was the first night of the new 9pm rule.

Well it’s going to take more than 1 night for them to get used to this change. Seen as your DH is a wet blanket who gives in to his DC constantly, they are going to test and push the boundaries to see if he will give in. You know your DH has set this situation up with his wishy washy parenting and the DC didn’t come out of their mother cursed as demon spawn don’t you? You already told us he does nothing with them all day - so they are probably going to feel even more pushed out than they already did

@HatRack

Update: DH and I had a thorough talk and agreed that kids will let us have adult time from 9pm. After that time they can come down for drinks and snacks but the livingroom is out of bounds.

Sounds good?

Well, two of his kids have started to tantrum (the two ten year olds). Shouting. Emotional blackmail. Needing to be physically removed.

My anxiety is sky high. This was the first night of the new 9pm rule.

How did the evening go in the end op?

Did their dad spend some time doing something with them in the day in the lead up to enforcing bedtime?

@HatRack

Update: DH and I had a thorough talk and agreed that kids will let us have adult time from 9pm. After that time they can come down for drinks and snacks but the livingroom is out of bounds.

Sounds good?

Well, two of his kids have started to tantrum (the two ten year olds). Shouting. Emotional blackmail. Needing to be physically removed.

My anxiety is sky high. This was the first night of the new 9pm rule.

No. Once they're upstairs they need to stay there.

9pm bed with a DVD would be better. Your DH is still being wet.

But I still don't get when your OWN children get to spend any time with you.

DH needs to be very strict enforcing this, otherwise it's worth nothing.

You have autonomy, you CAN say that it’s 9pm bedtime/bedroom for children in your house. My teens have routine and structure with me, none at their Dad’s but they are completely capable of understanding and accepting that - all teens and children are.
However, I really would say that part of the deal of being a parent is having your ‘me’ time curtailed. I’d love to have calm evenings with my husband and jazz music - usually, however, we are playing DnD with the kids, or playing board games, or watching a film with one of them cuddled up, or just chatting with them. You have to put your selfish wishes aside a lot, that’s what being a good parent IS. Just because your children are used to a situation does not mean it is best for them.
Oh, and I really am not validating your husband’s pathetic parenting.

But I still don't get when your OWN children get to spend any time with you

Yeah, it's playing on my mind a bit. One of my closest friends has autism and is a single parent. She hasn't time to herself for months. I couldn't imagine her bairn being banned from her presence until it was normal for them and wouldn't want to anyway because they have the internet.

Just can't wrap my head around it at all.

Yanbu
It would drive me absolutely batty, living how you’ve described. I feel for you. You’re probably going to get a hard time on here though op

@HatRack what have you been doing with the children from 6-9 as a family? Have you organised walks/board games/movie night/ dinner all together. If you engage with them properly then maybe they will be happier to go up to their rooms at 9.

i agree, while I think enforcing a bedtime for a 10 year old is reasonable, I don't understand all of this I need space so I'm going to banish screaming children upstairs business Particularly when they are only with you 3 days a week. If your children are in their rooms all day, and in bed by 9 - are they only with you 2 hours a day?

I don't have any such rules (bedtime for youngest dc but others are free to roam) and they are much more relaxed about being away from me.

9pm bedtime - ideal but they won't go because it's not what their mother does.

Er wrong. They don’t do it because their father doesn’t enforce a different boundary. However, his time with his kids is limited and maybe he doesn’t enforce the boundary you want because deep down it isn’t what he wants.

Why don’t you prioritise couple time when his kids are not at yours.

The first night of any new regime is going to be tough. You have to stick it out. Hope it gets easier

YANBU

I'm not autistic, but I am massively introverted and need some downtime to regain my energy. Lockdown has been really hard for me due to the lack of alone time. I know its been hard for extroverts too, due to lack of peopleing, so we're all trying to find the best way through it.

My DCs will naturally take themselves off to bed by 10pm at the latest, but DP's kids don't have a bed time and can be up until the early hours, even after he's gone to bed. If we lived together I'd be insisting on some sensible bedtimes, as its important for a relationship to survive that you have some uninterrupted time, and step parents especially need to keep a place in each others hearts for the couple relationship to thrive.

I don't know about you, but I can't feel the intimacy in the bedroom without a bit of time getting cuddly on the sofa before then. We spend the evening watching TV together, chatting, doing foot rubs and back tickles etc so by the time we go up to bed, we're already feeling the closeness. Maybe if you phrase it to him that it will help with your intimacy if you make time for each other as a couple?!