Time as a couple

[HatRack]

I'm sure this is a common topic in this forum, and I'm sure I'm going to be pounced on for selfishness, but maybe the vipers can put things into perspective for me.

We are a blended family. My DC (8 & 10) and his DC (10, 10, & 7). We have mine most of the time. We have his 50% of the time.

DH is furloughed. I am working from home (I spend 9 till 6pm in the bedroom working on my laptop). The kids play in their bedrooms for the most part. At 6pm I come downstairs to relax on the sofa with DH. I am Autistic (this is relevant).

On the days when DH's kids are here, we get zero alone time, so when I come downstairs at 6pm to 'relax' after having spent all day working in the bedroom, I still have kids climbing all over us, constant asking for things, commentating over the TV. They refuse to go upstairs. One of them is particularly stubborn and says: "Why have us here if you don't want to spend time with us" (this is what I think MN will say). DH replies to his DC saying "You have all day to spend time with me, we adults just want a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening". His kids don't listen and stick around. DH makes a few half-hearted attempts at telling them to go upstairs and then accepts defeat and starts engaging with them. My kids don't do this. They respect the fact that we like to relax in the evening. They come downstairs for the occasional drink, but that's it.

The situation is not helped by the fact that DH thought it would be a good idea to let them stay up every night until we adults go to bed (around 11pm). He made this decision because when we were trying to put the kids to bed at 9.30pm, his kids (not mine) would start tantruming and other delay tactics, so they ended up going to sleep at 11pm anyway. At the time, DH said "You can go to bed when we adults go to bed IF you give us time alone in the evenings." The kids agreed to this. A few weeks have passed and this has not happened. We still have an audience every evening.

The overstimulation for me personally, triggers sensory overload. After a day of working alone my mental health needs to relax and connect with DH. When there is always at least one child asking questions, bumping into me as he pounces on his dad, and commentating over TV, criticising what we are watching, playing his ipad loud - I start feeling shaky and anxious. Recently I've started going to bed early. And I lye awake seething with resentment.

I'm prepared for MN to say IABU, 'it's only 50% of the time'. 'You hate his kids.'

I do NOT hate his kids. I connect and get on very well with them. I make a big effort to initiate conversations. But lockdown (no school) means that this is incredibly pronounced with no end in sight till September. We've lived like this since the schools closed.

I don't understand that either @Mydogisthebestest It's 3 days a week - why does she need to be with her OH and without the kids those days?

She could be on her own if she needs to decompress. or spend time with them all. Or give her dh an ultimatum and/or live alone.

The kids aren't going to go to bed and leave her and her dh to have couple time alone. Why would they? and who gets that anyway? No one I know gets their kids of this age to stay in their rooms at 6pm. And no one I know wants that. I spend all day working -it's full on and exhausting. I spend time with the children (also full on) when I finish work.

I’m a bit shocked you seem surprised the kids are bored. They are stuck in their rooms all the time. Of course they’re bored.

Hi @HatRack

It sounds to me like the issue is with your DH, not the step children. This situation will not change until DH puts boundaries in place. If your combined children are aged 7-10 then I’d be expect a 8pm bedtime for 7 year old and 9-930 for 10 year old.
You say the kids don’t want to do stuff with DH in day, maybe he needs to look into activities to do with them. Remove their iPads and say they are do x,y,z with DH or they stay in their rooms.
Maybe you could go have a relaxing bath, put some music on, have some downtime.
My children are 2 and 9. 2 yr old in bed for 7 and when 2 yr old goes to bed the 7 yr old goes upstairs to play games on her ipad before bed

So your H’s parenting during the day, while on furlough, sounds poor too - DC mainly on screens.

Having DC, certainly DC of primary age, needn’t mean no evening time alone/as a couple at all.

OP says she starts wfh at 9 and stops at 6 and would like the (ages 10 and younger) DC to go to bed at a reasonable time (which IMO would be 8 or 9). On weekdays that’d be an hour in the morning and two hours in the evening with the DC. When they also have their stepfather / father with them all day. That’s not at all U.

Wow this is shocking parenting all round. No bedtimes, kids on devices all day with minimal parental supervision and a mother who doesn’t want to spend time with them! Poor poor kids.

OPs’ posts suggest that she wants to spend 3/4 hours a weekday with them! When there is also another parent in the home currently free all day, all week.

But if you spend all day alone, don’t you want to spend time with the kids? I don’t understand what you expect from being a family of 7.

@Mydogisthebestest

I’m a bit shocked you seem surprised the kids are bored. They are stuck in their rooms all the time. Of course they’re bored.

They choose to spend all day in their rooms.

Your DH isn’t engaging with them doing anything else during the day and you want rid of them in the evenings. So you can be just with him.

How do you think that’s going to affect those kids?

I am quite shocked to read this.
You work all day and still do not want to spend time with your children. This is what being a parent is about, it is called family life. You cannot cherry pick which parts you want to participate in, I do feel sorry for the children in this case.

@Dozer

So your H’s parenting during the day, while on furlough, sounds poor too - DC mainly on screens.

Having DC, certainly DC of primary age, needn’t mean no evening time alone/as a couple at all.

OP says she starts wfh at 9 and stops at 6 and would like the (ages 10 and younger) DC to go to bed at a reasonable time (which IMO would be 8 or 9). On weekdays that’d be an hour in the morning and two hours in the evening with the DC. When they also have their stepfather / father with them all day. That’s not at all U.

Yes, I would be more than happy with a 9pm bedtime.

You are going round in circles OP. Your H won't enforce a 9pm bedtime. So your choice is to put up or leave.

But, as I say, it's just 3 nights a week. It's not excessive. It seems like you just want rid, and I suspect the kids know that too. You get 4 nights with your H. Why isn't that sufficient?

Your poor children. Having to be out of sight and away from you all day and nigjt. Why did you have children when you can barely tolerate them? And they’re ‘happy’ on their iPads. What about the stimulation they should get from spending time with you, from doing activities with you. Your children should be going to bed around 9.30 which would give you an hour and half with your DH.

Of course your kids don’t complain. They don’t know any different. They’ll get older and hear of families like mine. What - you mean your parents WANTED you to sit down and watch a movie in the evenings or play board games or go for walks. They enjoyed you being with them and having a nice treat of chocolate and making popcorn together. How tragic for them to grow up like this.

Of course your step children don’t abide by this ‘rule’ they have experienced a household where they are wanted.

I hope you reconsider your awful treatment of your children.

You get 4 nights out of 7 with your DH. Some of those must be days you don’t work when you get to be with him all day.

I think your expectation of all night every night just you and he and Kids In rooms is unrealistic especially as the kids turn to teens.

obviously the bedtime thing isn’t great, but i honestly think it’s awful that your kids are pretty much banished upstairs all night so you can be alone with your husband. when you have kids you have to accept that you won’t be able to spend as much one on one time together. we have four kids and three of them stay downstairs with us until their bedtimes. and we enjoy it. my boyfriend is at work all day and he looks forward to coming home and having a chat and a cuddle with the kids. it’s sad that you’d rather bung your kids in their rooms all night and have them glued to screens than spend a little time with them.

This has thoroughly depressed me. All these poor children

@sunshineandshowers21

obviously the bedtime thing isn’t great, but i honestly think it’s awful that your kids are pretty much banished upstairs all night so you can be alone with your husband. when you have kids you have to accept that you won’t be able to spend as much one on one time together. we have four kids and three of them stay downstairs with us until their bedtimes. and we enjoy it. my boyfriend is at work all day and he looks forward to coming home and having a chat and a cuddle with the kids. it’s sad that you’d rather bung your kids in their rooms all night and have them glued to screens than spend a little time with them.

What time are their bedtimes?

@Girlsjustwanna

This has thoroughly depressed me. All these poor children

Poor poor kids having all day with their dad, every day. Call social services!

@Girlsjustwanna

This has thoroughly depressed me. All these poor children

They are SO POOR, they are getting everything they want and denied nothing. So, so poor. My heart bleeds.

Op your responses are robotic, similar I assume to your approach to parenting. Yes, I think Social Services should be involved in this case as it sounds like neglect.

P.S. they are still not in bed, because they dont WANT to. And what they WANT goes. Poor kids.

I'm not autistic and this situation would give me sensory overload. I'd be off. They sound like spoilt brats and your husbands is indulging them in everything they want. Children need routine and discipline.

Some kids actually enjoy spendfing time in their bedrooms in the evenings, my son certainly did. All his stuff was in there. They don't need to be running around the house all day and all night.

@madcatladyforever

Some kids actually enjoy spendfing time in their bedrooms in the evenings, my son certainly did. All his stuff was in there. They don't need to be running around the house all day and all night.

That's my two kids, right there.

Thank you

@madcatladyforever

I'm not autistic and this situation would give me sensory overload. I'd be off. They sound like spoilt brats and your husbands is indulging them in everything they want. Children need routine and discipline.

They literally get everything they want. Anything for an easy life I assume.