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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
namechange12a · 17/07/2020 14:07

Who cares what she thinks? It's your name and it's your children's name and her partner is your children's father. I would tell her to mind her own business.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2020 14:07

It’s absolutely none of her fucking business. It’s not his name that you borrowed, it’s your name.

Unless you’re highly unusual you two won’t be the only women in the world with that name anyway. She’s being ridiculous.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:10

I don’t really care what she thinks and I’ve no intention of changing it. I think I was taken by surprise that she’s so put out when it hadn’t even occurred to me and when a friend of mine agreed I did wonder if I was being difficult.

OP posts:
Gingaaarghpussy · 17/07/2020 14:11

With my first marriage I changed back to my maiden name. With my second marriage I couldn't be arsed. There are so many others with the same surname, I'm a drop in the ocean.
Keep your surname and tell everyone who objects to go fuck themselves.

cees · 17/07/2020 14:11

It's not her business, plenty of people will have that surname, whats she going to do, ask them all to change theirs to. Tell her to piss off, her husband to be had a life before her and thats probably whats got her goat.

Graphista · 17/07/2020 14:15

I still have exes surname and we've been divorced longer than we were married!

But it's my dds surname, my maiden name was shit, unusual and difficult to spell and pronounce!

I kept it mainly as it was dds surname and (I'll get shot down for this but it's true!) there is STILL a stigma and prejudice against mothers who've never married especially where I'm currently living, but certainly anything to do with a child's life (school, medical appointments) I have noticed this, I've seen other women and children with different names to each other treated appallingly. I'm not saying that's ok AT ALL but I took the path of not wanting dds life to be more difficult than necessary.

Exes 2nd wife - who was ow - not happy about it, well it's not up to her, not her business and not her decision to make. She tried to get ex to make it a sort of condition of the divorce which worried me a bit at one point but my lawyer assured me no judge would uphold such nonsense!

Your name, your choice!

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:15

It’s weird isn’t it, like she thinks the name is a possession to hand over or a title of ownership. I mean she is very welcome to him and I do wish them every success but I will be telling them to piss off about the mane. Maybe I can work it in to some sort of elaborate wedding present for them Hmm

OP posts:
ButteryPuffin · 17/07/2020 14:16

No one gets to say 'I'm the only person who can use that name' so she'll have to suck it up. It's your identity now. Ignore your friend. Or suggest your ex could change his name to hers this time and solve the problem that way!

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2020 14:16

The fact you don’t want to change it shows you’re anything but laid back about it op

Just be honest, you wish to keep your married name. So do so.

OchonAgusOchonO · 17/07/2020 14:17

Personally, I've never really been able to relate to why women want to change their name in the first place but obviously accept different strokes for different folks. However, you've changed your name. It's now your name. It's none of her business what name you use.

If she doesn't like having the same name as you, she can always keep her own name or your ex can change his name to hers or she or both of them they can double barrel.

BertNErnie · 17/07/2020 14:17

I'd most definitely keep the name, particularly as I have children and it's important for me to have the same name as they do.

It's also a pain in the arse if you go on holiday and have a different surname!

Shmithecat2 · 17/07/2020 14:21

I took DH's surname when we married and if we were to divorce, I'd keep it purely because we have child with the same surname. I was married before DH, but that was a relatively short marriage with no children involved, so I did revert back to my maiden name after that divorce. Tell her to bugger off and stop being so childish.

Gingaaarghpussy · 17/07/2020 14:25

Print out the page from the phone book with the surname and ask her if shes going to moan at them too?Grin

Durgasarrow · 17/07/2020 14:25

She has no right to tell you what to do with your name! That's crazy!

OchonAgusOchonO · 17/07/2020 14:27

@BertNErnie - It's also a pain in the arse if you go on holiday and have a different surname!

I have 3 children. when the first was born 23 years ago, it didn't dawn on me to use my surname for him. I'm sorry we didn't double barrel but too late now.

However, we have never had an issue going abroad. I have travelled alone with all of them, singly and together, multiple times. I think I was asked once about the different surname but it wasn't an issue. If you are concerned, you simply bring a copy of the birth cert with you where you will be listed as mother.

Thelnebriati · 17/07/2020 14:28

I'd assume anyone that demands this is a drama llama. I think you're going to come back every so often with 'you're not going to believe what she's done this time'.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:29

I think it’s because I’m holding on to something she sees as his but that’s her problem not mine. Taking of people’s names is weird really when you think about it and I have no intention of ever remarrying either.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 17/07/2020 14:30

It’s weird isn’t it, like she thinks the name is a possession to hand over or a title of ownership

Kind of is, or was, in many ways.

What’s she going to do about his mum?

Personally i think in todays society there’s no place to take anyone’s name. Divorce and single parenthood are so common just stick with your birth name. Give your kids whatever name works best.

myfavouritefudgecake · 17/07/2020 14:30

Good lord she is BU. Honestly how often are you going to be in the same room where you'll both be getting referred to as Mrs XXXX anyway?

I can maybe understand the fleeting "oh I want to be the only Mrs XXXX" in his life type of thing, but I don't agree with it and as other PPs have said unless your name is something wildly unusual then she'll share that name with thousands of other women anyway. But how on earth did she let that fleeting thought leave her mouth? It's one of those things you feel but simultaneously know is unreasonable to think, right?

How has this information been relayed to you? Did you ex approach you and ask you to change your name? Did she? Baffling.

Readyme · 17/07/2020 14:31

She sounds possessive! I changed my name when I married because I wanted DC to have same name, I hated having a different surname to my mother so if we divorced I'd keep it.
Plus my maiden name was rare and his name is much more common I feel like a I gained some privacy by being less identifiable.

bluebluezoo · 17/07/2020 14:32

@BertNErnie - It's also a pain in the arse if you go on holiday and have a different surname!

Not in my experience. Many holidays, 16 years with a different name to my kids and never had a problem.

Never been a problem at all, in fact.

How would you know anyway if you’ve always had the same surname?

2bazookas · 17/07/2020 14:34

Maybe his new dp would like his child his mother and his grandmother to change their names too?

What absolute lunacy

SoupDragon · 17/07/2020 14:34

How would you know anyway if you’ve always had the same surname?

Lots of people post On MN about it being an issue and having to take birth certificates/letter from the father

Chickychickydodah · 17/07/2020 14:34

Don’t change it, she can sod off.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:34

@Thelnebriati I think that already happens.

We used to have a decent relationship for the sake of our kids but that’s been really damaged over the last few years because (and these are ex’s words) she feels threatened by how well we get on.
And when I say relationship I mean we were able to go to school events together, actually communicate about logistics of co parenting, handovers were pleasant.

OP posts: