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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 19/07/2020 05:44

Start calling her ' the second Mrs x' 🤭

Undecided327 · 19/07/2020 06:18

Personally, I would wonder why you would want to keep the name and the link to your ex. The reality is that by taking his name in the first place, it was because of your marriage. Now that the marriage has ended it makes sense to give up the name. I don’t think his partner is being unreasonable. If it was just a name, you would be prepared to give it up and go back to your “maiden” (I hate that word) name. Plenty of mums have a different name to their DCs and plenty of wives do not take their husbands name in the first place. The significance is that you are holding yourself out as his wife when you no longer are. I can see the partner’s point.

Bouledeneige · 19/07/2020 06:18

I've never understood why women change their name when they marry - to become their husband's chattel. I've never had problems travelling with my kids. And I'm long divorced.

The new wife sounds terribly insecure. Unless she's got the same first name as you or you live in a small town or next door to them. Why would it matter? Normally surnames are quite common so there are plenty of people with it.

Undecided327 · 19/07/2020 06:24

@IceCreamSummer20

Yet you did get married, and enough to change your name, a very meaningful act, and now like keeping the name. All I’m doing is challenging your assumption that does not have some significance for you. That is not to say it’s a bad thing, but it is a significant thing.
Agree with this. It’s not a bad thing but let’s not be in denial. Changing it in the first place was symbolic. It’s not just a name otherwise you wouldn’t have taken it originally, which is also fine. I don’t think a woman needs to. But if a man no longer wants a woman to have his name, that’s equally ok too if you are divorced.
birthdaybelle · 19/07/2020 06:27

I wouldn't want to change if I were you and have a different name to your children while she had the same as them.

I used to get pissed off when my ex husbands ex wife called herself "Mrs" ex husband's surname though. Because I was Mrs. And I think it's the Mrs that partners you up rather than the actual surname. And I can't see why anyone would want to refer to themselves as Mrs if they weren't married

Aerial2020 · 19/07/2020 07:01

If you didn't want to your married name anymore because of reasons about your ex, fine. That's your reasons for YOUR ex

But it's not the same for everyone.
Not everyone gives a shit about it being linked to their ex because it is now their name!!! Simple as

Its not denial, sad, excuse or hidden agenda. Or anymore you can think of.
Jeeze

Norma27 · 19/07/2020 07:28

I got with my now husband 6 years after his first wife cheated and left. I always felt it strange that she kept his surname, especially as she had a child with the new partner not long after.
Once we decided to get married, I would never have asked her to change her name though. That was not my decision to make. It wasn't worth getting worked up about. It was now her name and she wanted to keep it.
She has now married the partner but they had been together about 20 years first and has taken his surname.

LtdEdition · 19/07/2020 07:49

@StopGo

What are widows meant to do, keep married name or revert back to maiden name?
I kept my married name because of DD. I really should have gone back to my maiden name as I had a SIL with the same name as me which was causing a few problems.

When DD got married and was changing her name, she made it very clear that I had her full approval to go back to my maiden name. It took a while to get every last thing changed and then current DH proposed. He was informed that I was keeping my name.

ZombieLizzieBennet · 19/07/2020 08:49

But if a man no longer wants a woman to have his name, that’s equally ok too if you are divorced.

No it isn't. It's completely overstepping, and the only appropriate thing for him to do if he finds himself having these views is work on addressing them.

rosy71 · 19/07/2020 08:53

Whenever I read about things like this, it just shows how ridiculous the whole name changing thing is in the first place!

Candyfloss99 · 19/07/2020 09:19

@rosy71

Whenever I read about things like this, it just shows how ridiculous the whole name changing thing is in the first place!
Yep. Why would anyone do it in this day and age?
Movinghouse2015 · 19/07/2020 09:26

When I divorced I discussed with my children how they felt if I went back to my maiden name. At the time they were teenager and their wish was for mr to keep the same name as them. In my eyes that's what I have done. I kept my name the same as my children not my ex.

thebees · 19/07/2020 10:49

It's the name you are known by and keeping it unless you remarry seems reasonable to me.

Mittens030869 · 19/07/2020 13:59

What are widows meant to do, keep married name or revert back to maiden name?

My DM has recently said that when she dies (she's 80 so not surprising that she's thinking about this), she wants her ashes to be placed where her parents are buried and she wants to be remembered by her maiden name. She hasn't used that name since she got married to my F 53 years ago, despite having been widowed 22 years ago. Very few people know what her maiden name is!

There is however a very good reason for this. She discovered 6 years ago that my F had sexually abused my DSis and me when we were growing up. So that's completely understandable.

The only problem is that my DSis and I will have to explain why to my DB, who we haven't told although he was involved but, like us, he repressed his memories of what happened. We'll also have to explain why to family and friends who don't know about it at all.

Names do have a lot of significance. In the OP's case, I understand why she doesn't want to change it. But the only actual issue is that it's up to her and not her ex's new wife to tell her what to do.

MulticolourMophead · 19/07/2020 14:04

@InFiveMins

I find it weird you've kept the surname, to be honest. I wouldn't want that link to my ex.
But OP wants the link to her DC, she has the same name as them.
MulticolourMophead · 19/07/2020 14:11

But if a man no longer wants a woman to have his name, that’s equally ok too if you are divorced.

Rubbish. None of us have any rights over any name, and cannot dictate to other people what names they can use.

If a woman retains a married name on divorce, that is her right to do so, and in fact was the normal convention up until maybe 20-30 years ago.

ButteryPuffin · 19/07/2020 14:14

Can't a woman decide what she wants her own bloody name to be? All this 'if the man agrees...' malarkey.

@Mittens030869 I don't think you have to explain anything you don't want to. Just say it's what your mum wanted and you're honouring that Flowers

Mittens030869 · 19/07/2020 14:31

@ButteryPuffin Thank you for that, it's very helpful. I think it's my DM's way of divorcing my F posthumously, and I really appreciated her saying that actually.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 19/07/2020 14:31

@Mittens030869 I’m so sorry that happened to you. If you don’t want people to know the reasons you could say she just wanted to be buried with the name she was born with and leave it at that.

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 19/07/2020 14:55

Thank you, OP. It's my DB I would worry about. He has serious MH issues and his psychiatrist has said it would be too damaging for him to be forced to remember what happened to us as children. I wouldn't want him to be confronted with the memories when grieving for our DM as well. I have no problems with other people knowing.

I'm hopefully worrying unnecessarily. My DM could live for many more years after all.

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