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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 17/07/2020 15:00

If they/she/he asks again just laugh every time

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 15:02

I do think it’s her doing not his. I’ve met her quite a few times and I’ve always got on ok with her and I do think she’s nice to my dc. They really like her. But something about me must push her buttons.

My ex certainly does everything she wants, to the point he has pushed away our dc and they have come to me with lots of things they are unhappy with. In fact he seems to put the needs of her dc above his own. It’s really sad.

OP posts:
Fuggly · 17/07/2020 15:03

I've been divorced a long time and kept my ex dh name as it was same as DCs and it was how i was known at work. Plus the faff of changing etc. Ex -dh remarried within 2 years of divorce so now there are 2 of us in a smallish town! Also our first names sound similarish so sometimes there is confusion at places where we are both signed up e.g gym /certain shops.
Fortunately we all get along so it's not a problem.
I could see how it would be if new wife was insecure but really it's not her call.

TypicalMeBreakMyTypicalRules · 17/07/2020 15:03

Agree with Bernadette, he can take her surname. I'd always want the same surname as my children

Candyfloss99 · 17/07/2020 15:03

You don't sound very laid back about it at all or you would change it back. I've no idea why anyone wants to hold on to their exes surname.

Carandi · 17/07/2020 15:03

Against the grain a bit but I do find keeping the ex’s surname a bit strange and I do have sympathy for his new partner but your decision at the end of the day

It's not strange to want to have the same surname as your children. If they hadn't have had children then I'd agree, but not when kids are involved.

OP, buy them a vibrator as a wedding gift and see if they get the subliminal message to go fuck themselves.

ZombieLizzieBennet · 17/07/2020 15:03

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Suggest he takes her name.
Excellent idea!
Pleasebeaflesbite · 17/07/2020 15:04

I find it interesting that people feel all kinds of entitlement to comment on how a woman wants to be identified but nobody in the history of ever has demanded that a bloke concedes anything about himself

Indeed. The fact is, your name is your name. In adopting it on marriage, that’s what it became.

I got asked by XDH why I was still using Mrs married name as I was no longer a Mrs. Same thing applies, it’s now my name

Lostinengland · 17/07/2020 15:06

I would absolutely go with ‘having the same name as DC is non negotiable so if you’d like me to change theirs too?’ line.

Also, you took it as your name, it is now your name. I can’t bear this whole ‘oh actually I was just lending it to you while I still wanted to be with you’ angle. So dismissive.

AnneOfQueenSables · 17/07/2020 15:06

Keep the name because it's your DCs' name but I don't think you're coming across as laidback about this eg 'joking' about a present to make the point you have the name; blaming his new partner for the deterioration in your relationship with your ex.

NotaCoolMum · 17/07/2020 15:07

My partners exW kept his surname as it’s the same as their children. To be totally honest... it’s really irrelevant if I like it or not... it’s her right and I understand why she’d want to keep the same family name as her children. Your exH shouldn’t be putting her DC needs above his (and your) DCs needs. If she really was a decent person- she wouldn’t want him to do that either. X

wasnotwasweregood · 17/07/2020 15:08

In the spirit of compromise you could call yourself The Dowager FieryChilli, get a pince-nez, locate your inner Maggie Smith and have a lot of fun with it.

Hopefully she'll push through this quickly, I wouldn't want to not have the same name as my children either.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/07/2020 15:08

@Candyfloss99

You don't sound very laid back about it at all or you would change it back. I've no idea why anyone wants to hold on to their exes surname.
Because its not "his name" its mine my choice my name my kids name my ex has a first wife he has zero children she has kept his name he is getting a third wife soon she will get rid of her ex husbands surname for my exes surname

His aunt has the same first name AND surname as me

No one owns a name

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 15:10

But it’s just a name, a word, it doesn’t define me, it doesn’t mean anything, until this I hadn’t even really thought about it holding any particular significance in terms of anything and that’s what I meant about being laid back about it. It’s a word tagged on to another word.

Of course I’m not laid back about being asked to change it and the wider issues it brings up. My marriage may have ended but it doesn’t hold such awful memories that I feel the need to escape it.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 17/07/2020 15:10

Your ex sounds like the type who if he doesn't want to go to something, blames his other half and says "ah she's said I can't come out".

He mentioned it to you because she asked him to, but didnt do it in a proper way he did it in a half arsed jokey way so he could say to her "why are you annoyed? I asked her!" but also not fall out with you.

And then he's promptly said it's what she wants when you questioned him. He clearly doesn't think it's something you have to do, he knows it's a ridiculous request, but he's covering his arse by mentioning it to you while placating you both knowing how each of you will react.

Ugh he sounds like a right wuss!

myfavouritefudgecake · 17/07/2020 15:11

@Pleasebeaflesbite it's as if they think they've bestowed this great honour on you by bequeathing you their name in the first place. Sorry, pal, you have no power to give or take the name.

mencken · 17/07/2020 15:12

the main issue is all the pointless admin involved - the very definition of wifework. And of course it is none of her business what your name is.

wish your ex good luck with this, but I wouldn't bother with a wedding present.

Esmesmommy · 17/07/2020 15:13

@BertNErnie you’re right about the issue with holidays. The people with older children wouldn’t have had the same problem because tighter restrictions were put in fairly recently, looks like 2018 from a quick google. It also depends where you go, some countries ask for a letter from the father counter singed by a solicitor. I find it incredibly outdated but we are questioned every time we re-enter the UK

OchonAgusOchonO · 17/07/2020 15:14

@SoupDragon - Lots of people post On MN about it being an issue and having to take birth certificates/letter from the father

A letter from the father has nothing to do with having a different surname. It's in case you're queried about travelling alone with the children. It doesn't matter whether you have the same surname or not.

If you have a different surname, you can just keep a copy of birthcerts with the passports. It's no hassle. As I stated previously, I've only been asked once. I showed the copy of the birthcert and that was it. It slowed us down by about 30 seconds.

Fressia123 · 17/07/2020 15:14

Well I'm not taking his surname (she's remarrying too but I think she'll keep her ex's).

However, once I become a Dr. I will take his surname. But I'll also change everything to Dr. XY so worth the hassle IMO. I'll also be the only Dr. In the family with that surname, so a tad different.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2020 15:14

Or suggest your ex could change his name to hers this time and solve the problem that way!
Absolutely ^THIS^ if it's ever mentioned again.
Love it!

Raimona · 17/07/2020 15:14

I've seen other women and children with different names to each other treated appallingly
I find this quite puzzling. I have a different surname to my husband and DC. Quite frankly I don’t like his surname so I still use my maiden name. It’s never been a problem.

OP you can use any name you want. Tell the new wife to bugger off.

ZombieLizzieBennet · 17/07/2020 15:15

[quote myfavouritefudgecake]@Pleasebeaflesbite it's as if they think they've bestowed this great honour on you by bequeathing you their name in the first place. Sorry, pal, you have no power to give or take the name. [/quote]
Yes, and the new partner sound like she has this attitude too. It's always fun to disoblige people who have that view.

OhioOhioOhio · 17/07/2020 15:15

That is ridiculous.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 15:15

@AnneOfQueenSables

Keep the name because it's your DCs' name but I don't think you're coming across as laidback about this eg 'joking' about a present to make the point you have the name; blaming his new partner for the deterioration in your relationship with your ex.
I think she has had an impact on our relationship, I’m not going to go in to massive details but he has said himself that there are things he now cannot do because she is uncomfortable with them especially in regard to Christians and birthdays. I don’t suffer but my children do but that’s his decision. I can only do my best by my dc. It’s not blame it’s just the way it is and I have adapted to the change in this relationship.
OP posts: