Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

[FieryChilli]

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

You are keeping your husbands surname. I know, I know everyone will pile off and say ‘but it’s her name, it’s not her husbands’ etc. But the ONLY reason you have this surname is that you married your Ex. It was a symbol of your marriage. It carries meaning.

That was why she took the name in the first place, but it's been her name for years now. I changed my surname when I was eighteen; I would never change back to my birth name, because it's no longer who I am.

Three - that you are attached to it and it has become YOUR name. Well why are you attached? Please don’t give me the children as an argument and it makes you feel more like a family. Are they less of a family when they marry and change their surnames? And why is your family dependent on ‘feeling’ like a family if you all have the Dads name? When said Dad has now married someone else?

Why doesn't the ex change his name to his new partner's, then? Why is it only ever women who are told they shouldn't make a fuss about wanting the same name as their children?

@IceCreamSummer20, you mentioned that you have stepchildren. Does your husband's ex still have his surname (assuming they were married)? Does this bother you?

[quote Lorddenning1]@contrary13 I also thought this too, she is being weird about the name, she must find it hard that they share kids too, it's madness but I think you may be into something here.[/quote]
@contrary13 I think you’re both right in how she thinks.

Your judgement of what best suits your DC and you trumps everything. If she asks again, why not suggest her DP-to-be changes his surname to hers so they share a surname without the 'contamination' of anyone else doing so. Let's hope no one else in the world has that same surname as that would presumably be 'weird' too. I hope she doesn't become a disruptive influence in your DC's relationship with their DF.

It’s a shame that she is that insecure that it’s affecting the children. My DP and the mother of his son have lots of issues with each other to the point where I reached out to her in hope that I could help them figure a few things out. I actually get along with her far better than he does! Haha! But it was important for me because they have a child together. The child is now a 19yr old man and has a 1yr old. So I wanted to make sure the children we the main priority and she didn’t think I was going to come in to the equation and try to cause more problems.
And as for changing your surname? Screw that! Far too much paperwork!

I would give him three choices

One, leave it as it is
Two, he changes his surname to hers
Three, you change your surname back to your maiden name, and the children’s will be changed to

I had no intention of changing my surname when l got divorced, basically for all the same reasons as above.

XH has never asked me too either, l assume his DP (OW) doesn't care as she is actually very pleasant and laid back.

However l do find it amusing when we are greeted as Mr and Mrs FourDecades at school events etc as he does squirm a bit .

When my inlaws asked if l was changing it back and l said no, they replied how honoured they were that l still wanted to keep the married name considering what their son had done

You have bragging rights to The Original Mrs FieryChilli or Mk1 Mrs FieryChilli.

The new one could style herself Mrs Currentsurname-FieryChilli if she really wants to differentiate.

If exH mentions it again I would say "I want the same name as my children, so change their name will have to change too, and you will have to complete all paperwork and pay for new passport etc." Or suggest he changes his name to match her. Bonkers either of them think they are allowed to ask you to change it.

Keep it OP.

I have been divorced 25 years and still have my ex's surname.

Far too much trouble to change it back. It wsa a pain to change it in the first place but I was young and naiive.
I keep in also because it was coincidentally my mother's maiden name, so feels like a little female name line .

I don't think you are unreasonable at all - you want the same surname as your kids (plus it's a massive hassle to change everything)! His wife to be doesn't own the surname, just ignore the complaints.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

Absolutely not, your friend doesn't sound like she's a friend of yours TBH.

This is your name, your history, your life and your DC's name.

My mum kept her married name too as it's a much nicer name (Think along the lines of Silver rather than Reynards) and also I imagine to show that she was our mum.

@OchonAgusOchonO I’ve never needed a letter of permission to re-enter the UK (never been asked for anything whilst leaving only when coming back!) but I’ve needed a notarised letter to enter different counties which is expressly due to having different surnames not just travelling alone with a child.

[quote Esmesmommy]@OchonAgusOchonO I’ve never needed a letter of permission to re-enter the UK (never been asked for anything whilst leaving only when coming back!) but I’ve needed a notarised letter to enter different counties which is expressly due to having different surnames not just travelling alone with a child.[/quote]
@Esmesmommy - that's pretty unusual. Which countries, if you don't mind me asking?

The advise on the Irish official website (I'm Irish) is It is important to note that in a situation where a child is travelling with one parent only, an immigration officer may seek evidence of consent from the child’s other parent.

Advise on the US site: Adults traveling outside the U.S. with children under 18, other than their own, must have a Permission or minor travel consent letter from both of the minors’ guardians. The travel consent letter also covers a child traveling internationally with only one birth parent, one guardian, grandparents or other adults. This written and notarized Permission to Travel Letter from both birth parents, same sex couples, or legal guardians is required to enter many countries, even on a cruise ship’s shore excursions.

EU advise: In addition to their own valid passport or ID card, all children travelling:

alone; or
with adults who are not their legal guardian; or
with only one parent
may need an extra (official) document signed by their parents, second parent or legal guardian(s) authorising them to travel.

It's got nothing to do with her, she needs to grow up

I hated my maiden name but exH’s surname in English isn’t much better. we moved to his country when we were still together and while I live in his country I’m holding onto it since it’s like Smith here. I would ignore him if he asked me to change it.

But I spend too long at work fantasizing about what name I’ll take if I go back to the UK when the kids are grown up. I want something that I never have to spell on the phone since my maiden name was a nightmare.

What respect do you owe the new wife. None. Your friend has a very odd view. Anyway, keep your name. The new wife will have to learn to live with his past, it's not a good start to a marriage is it?

Suggest your ex DH takes his new partners surname instead

Apologise havent read all the thread, but she is barking. Its a name, more importantly its the name your children have. I am keeping my married name for this very reason. My stbexh, said I could 'keep' the name if I wanted. I gently reminded him that its a family name and not his to give or take away.

Surely he just needs to change his name to hers on marriage then they will share a surname

I’d be telling her/him to F Off, it’s downright cheeky thinking you should change your name because of her. Nobody on this earth would stop me from sharing my DC’s surname.

If it kept being mentioned by your ex I would give him 2 choices:

1. If you must change your name to suit/please them, your DC’s also change their name to match yours. See how he likes the thought of the shoe being on the other foot because what he is asking of you is exactly the same as you asking this of him.

2. You will leave your surname as it is, but if/he and ex don’t shut up about it you’ll change your first name to the same her name and then she really will have something to bloody moan about!!

Honestly the cheek!!!

And do you know what, even if OP was keeping the name partly to make a statement/hanging on to the relationship/blah blah, all, ALL of that is completely trumped by the fact that this surname is also the surname of her own children. Fuck the ex, it's the name of HER OWN BABIES! How much more connected can you get?!

So yep, woman agrees to changing to man's family name so they have a single 'family name'. Relationship may be over, but children and family and yes family name still VERY much here. But she's supposed to now meekly see the family name SHE agreed to giving her own children suddenly now representing JUST her husband and right fuck off now, it never really belonged to you, please change it, my NEW wife would like to take it and we'd really much rather we kicked you out of this 'family signifier'.

Ho fucking ho. I don't think so, lov.

You're bothered? YOU leave the family name.

Your new parter is bothered? She can persuade YOU to change it, you're the only one who owes her anything.

Me and MY children are keeping the name I agreed to take in order for YOU to get to have a family name and have the same name as your own children. You should just be damn pleased I agreed to it and you GOT to have them share your name.

Love the way that for some people, still, men have total ownership of names, women only get to borrow them temporarily and must always have permission to do so. Also women's identity is defined by the name so it's very meaningful, right up to the point where they don't want to name change and then it's all 'why not? It's just a name, it doesn't define you, don't be like that about it'. Meanwhile men still get to throw a strop at the suggestion they could always change THEIR precious solid gold Name Till The End Of Time.

I still have my married name, my older boys have that name, I didn’t marry my youngest kids dad so they have a different name. Ex remarried and his new wife had the same surname as him anyway. I am not changing mine, my maiden name doesn’t hold good memories and neither does this one but it’s stuck with me. The hassle of changing it is ridiculous, I have professional registration not to mention new passport etc it’s just a name it’s plenty of peoples name. Is his daft new bint going to complain if his bothers wives are mrs whatever too? Your kids if you have a son? She’s being a bit daft really

they both sound like twats was he always like this or is he just doing what hes told with his new partner

I find it utterly bizarre that either of them think they get any say over what you choose to call yourself. You're not married to either of them! Perhaps they should focus on their own relationship.

I am experiencing a strange variation of your situation. I'm the second wife. The first wife never used my husband's name while they were married. They were legally separated a couple of yeara when I met him. She ended the marriage. I think she was shocked when he moved on. She's a control freak and used to try to drag me into drama all the time. I completely ignore her now.

When he instigated divorce proceedings (it takes much longer in our country) she was furious and pulled a few nasty stunts. She also, inexplicably started using his name in all correspondence. He demanded she stop and was furious.

I don't really understand his rage and have told him so. I argued that he gave her his name, he didn't lend it to her. I told him to ignore her. I can't imagine her new partner is thrilled with her new name.

We have a daughter together. When she was born his ex and their eldest daughter (who uses his name) demanded to know what surname our child would have and tried to forbid him from giving the new child his name. They claimed my child would use 'their connections to get ahead'. I've no idea what these connections are. I am also forbidden from taking his name.

Nutjobs with nothing else to occupy their thoughts. As it happened neither my daughter nor I wanted his name.