Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

[FieryChilli]

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

Actually I do think that you are being unreasonable, but it’s interesting the aggressive reactions of most posters who are telling the new wife to ‘sod off’.

You are keeping your husbands surname. I know, I know everyone will pile off and say ‘but it’s her name, it’s not her husbands’ etc. But the ONLY reason you have this surname is that you married your Ex. It was a symbol of your marriage. It carries meaning.

It’s really just white noise that ‘there are many reasons to keep it’ - prime of all that the surnames doesn’t match on passports.

One - well if that was so pressing why change your name in the first place? This is very hyped and rarely if ever a problem, I’ve taken step kids all over by myself who have different surnames and nationalities. And so what if the odd time you are stopped - just keep a letter - no big deal.

Three - that you are attached to it and it has become YOUR name. Well why are you attached? Please don’t give me the children as an argument and it makes you feel more like a family. Are they less of a family when they marry and change their surnames? And why is your family dependent on ‘feeling’ like a family if you all have the Dads name? When said Dad has now married someone else?

Four - That taking the name was nothing ever to do with him being a man and you being a woman, that you wouldn’t have been fussed if it was the other way around, but that now you are used to it and really you like it better than your original name.

All in all - yes I don’t think anyone can force you to change your surname. However - psychologically it means something that you don’t want to - and let’s be honest about it. It is a territorial thing having the name of your husband - it means that you are taking his protection and becoming his family and your absolve yours. Which is why the father ‘gives the bride away’. It MEANS something.

So don’t stop using the surname you took from husband when you married - if you don’t want to. But please be under no illusion that there is no significance to this.

I think it's weirder you refer to your ex as your dear husband and his fiance as his new partner.

Please tell me it is Smith!

[quote Esmesmommy]@BertNErnie you’re right about the issue with holidays. The people with older children wouldn’t have had the same problem because tighter restrictions were put in fairly recently, looks like 2018 from a quick google. It also depends where you go, some countries ask for a letter from the father counter singed by a solicitor. I find it incredibly outdated but we are questioned every time we re-enter the UK[/quote]
The letter from the father/mother is required when a parent is travelling with the children, but without the other parent. It has nothing to do with having a different surname to the children.

Why do you care what she thinks? Why is this even a thing? Is she going to ask all the other people on the planet with the same
Surname to change theirs too? Just ignore her. Your name - none of her business.

When my brother started secondary school, there was a married couple of teachers, Mr and Mrs verymemorablename, think Shufflebottom.

He had an affair with another teacher, split up with his wife and eventually married his new partner.

Three teachers at the school calledMr Shufflebottom, Mrs Shufflebottom and Mrs Shufflebottom, usually distinguished as first and second, or old and new.

No reason first Mrs Shufflebottom should change her name which by that time she had had over 30 years, was her professional name and the name of her children.

OP, it's as much your name as it is his. Keep it. I don't like this idea that women only borrow their names from their husbands and fathers, but men own theirs.

@Scarby9 wow! Now that's a situation!

The OP obviously only acquired her surname because it was her husband's and she followed patriarchal tradition. But not wanting to change a name purely because someone else has decided you ought to, also entirely on the basis of patriarchal tradition, is perfectly reasonable. Ultimately, XH even mentioning it is overstepping. It is not for him to have an opinion on the matter.

I’ve used my name and surname for more than two decades. I’d say that gives me dibs . That’s a joke. No one owns a name, they aren’t single use.

I’m interested to see how this pans out because I’m expecting the same request. The answer will be no.

Tell her to grow up.

She's an entitled little Madame and I'm guessing her DC are too.

I'm really hoping that your ExH will at least stand up for his own kids when he has them, but I have my doubts . It might be worth explaining to him that if he favours her kids over his own, he'll reap what he's sown when they're older................

FWIW, some men are weird about names etc when they marry, my DH got upset when I wouldn't change my surname to his when we married. I explained I wanted to keep the same surname as my DC but he wasn't too happy. He saw my point of view when I said that he could change his name to mine if having the same surname was sooo important. It wasn't

I think she has had an impact on our relationship, I’m not going to go in to massive details but he has said himself that there are things he now cannot do because she is uncomfortable with them especially in regard to Christians and birthdays. I don’t suffer but my children do but that’s his decision. I can only do my best by my dc. I think that his is also hugely telling OP. I know you think it’s all best for your DC - but really isn’t a boundaried relationship best for your DC?

I know my mother kept her married name with us as she was still somewhat attached to my father, even after the break up. I know my mother liked Christmas together with my father afterwards, and doing things only ‘as a family’ for birthdays. I also think my Dad liked this too. However even I as a young child could see how unhealthy this was. We’d be sitting around for birthdays as one unit - with my Dad cosying up to my mum, and my mother loving it - and then we’d go off with my Dad the next day and meet his GF. It was really, really uncomfortable. My Dad was still using Mum, his ‘friendship’ was basically keeping her close and friendly in a way that really stopped her from leading her life.

And yes guess what - my Mum blamed by stepmother for ‘splitting up the family’ - even though they met years after divorce - as my Dad was happy to blame her for stopping the X surname only ‘family’ events.

My name actually is extremely unusual, due to a mistake at Ellis Island many years ago when DH GF came over. I am certain I am the only one in the world with my name. When we divorced, I kept it. When I remarried, I asked DH if he minded my keeping my dead exH name and he didn’t care. There are just too many things to change! Insurance, bonds, stocks, house, etc. I counted over 30 and decided to keep the name I have. Changing my name once was enough, and I wouldn’t let anyone tell me what name I should use. Neither should you. You should keep the name that you are comfortable with and tell them to mind their own business.

If you want to keep the name then keep it. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone.

I have thought long and hard about whether I would change my name back when ex and I divorce (been separated 2.5 years and neither of us can be arsed to start or pay for divorce proceedings as yet) and I came to the same conclusion as you op. I have had this name for 16 years now so I have no intention of changing it back to the name I had when I had not yet got married or had kids. That's not who I am anymore.

I also want to keep the same name as my dc. I don't hold any sentimental value to it and if he re-marries (once we divorce of course) then there will just be another (insert surname here) in the world.

My God l couldn't give a flying one that my DH's ex has kept his surname. Life is far too short for that!

We had this with my ex-sil. BIL wasn’t happy she wasn’t changing her name back. His dad hit the roof and said actually it was his name and he was honoured she wanted to keep it.

I have a different (original) surname to my children, and yes, we have been pulled aside several times with it because when my husband travelled alone with them he was of a different nationality and same name, and when I travelled alone with them we had different names. I have a document allowing me to travel. This might just be one country hot on the Geneva convention but we have definitely been questioned more than once, and now travel with both passports for the children so they can be whichever nationality the passport officer prefers!

I don’t really care what she thinks and I’ve no intention of changing it.

Good... keep your name OP..

I take everyone’s points on board and thanks for the input, there have been some really interesting insights. Right I better get the washing in before it rains and get off Mumsnet.

@Candyfloss99 I have no idea why you think women should change their name every flipping time they get married/divorced. Who has the time and resources for all the paperwork etc to change licence details, card details, etc etc etc every time? You can't be serious. It is not normal to change names backwards and forwards just because you get divorced. That is not the norm.

@contrary13 I also thought this too, she is being weird about the name, she must find it hard that they share kids too, it's madness but I think you may be into something here.

If its good enough for Angie Best and countless other celeb divorcees then why not you she is being precious.

Suggest they create a name together to symbolise their unity & he changes HIS name by deed poll.

Why TF do you need to change anything to satisfy them? Bizarre.

Don't think it's bad that you don't want to change your surname. My mum didn't change her surname when she and my father got divorced, as it's the surname my sister and I have.
I've never been married, but I wasn't with my ex when my son was born, and my son has my surname as he's with me 90% of the time and it makes sense to have the same surname (much to the dismay of "I'm the father he needs my surname" BS from his father).