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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
Timekeeper1 · 17/07/2020 14:35

This changing your surname back after a divorce is a only a modern thing. Years ago if you were divorced or even deserted by your husband you still kept the surname, even if he re-married and you didn't. It's stupid of her to even think you should change your name, and she has a cheek even expecting such a thing! I know many divorced people of my vintage (43) and upwards, and none of them have changed their name after divorce (unless re-marrying). It's just.....not the done thing. Well at least not until very recently.

Sooverthemill · 17/07/2020 14:35

Keep the surname. If you were being petty you could ask your ex if he would agree to the D.C. changing their surname to your old one if he thinks you should change yours. Bet he wouldn't agree. There is no reason why you shouldn't continue to have the same surname as your children

Risotto4tea · 17/07/2020 14:36

I kept my married name its much DD, it's easier to spell than my median one, I now have professional qualifications with that name and most importantly I couldn't be bothered!

My exH is getting married and they sent out save the date cards that said 'He stole my heart so I'm stealing his last name'. It struck me as a bit odd with me still having 'his' name but they have never asked me to change it so whatever

bestbefore · 17/07/2020 14:36

Just refer to yourself as The First Mrs ExDH name GrinGrin

RoseTintedAtuin · 17/07/2020 14:37

Against the grain a bit but I do find keeping the ex’s surname a bit strange and I do have sympathy for his new partner but your decision at the end of the day.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 17/07/2020 14:37

She could just keep her last name?

I’m not hugely keen on being Mrs John Smith II if/when I marry my boyfriend, but that is not his first wife’s fault. It’s my problem, not anyone else’s, and I would never expect her to change her name, especially as they have children together.

So I will keep my last name, which to be honest I probably would have done anyway.

LonginesPrime · 17/07/2020 14:37

His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

Tough!

It's none of her business what you do and she has absolutely no power over what you call yourself!

Your friend is nuts too, OP.

Brusselsprouts21 · 17/07/2020 14:37

I can understand her mentality of it. I wouldn't change it though as i think one is the main reasons you said about having the same surname as your kids is important. Not just for yourself but for them. Could you not explain this to her and assure her it is not down to you wanting your ex back.

AlternativePerspective · 17/07/2020 14:37

It would never have occurred to me to want to change my name back to my maiden name.And tbh even when me and DP were talking about marriage I was planning to keep my name because it’s ds’ name. And it’s just a name.

But equally I wouldn’t think to seek the opinions of others re whether I should change it. If it had been suggested that I should change it back I would just have said “well that’s nice, but it’s my name, so you crack on and do whatever you want...”

BaseDrops · 17/07/2020 14:38

I regret changing my name. I’m not changing it again until my children are adults. I’d give short shrift to the idea that anyone but me has any entitlement to an opinion on my name.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/07/2020 14:38

However, we have never had an issue going abroad. I have travelled alone with all of them, singly and together, multiple times. I think I was asked once about the different surname but it wasn't an issue.

I have been asked more than once and always travel with a letter from DH. Mind you I have a different nationality to DD!

contrary13 · 17/07/2020 14:38

She sounds very insecure - perhaps she thinks your ex still has feelings for you, or you for him, or resents the fact that she'll never be his first wife and if they have children... they'll never be his first son/daughter, etc.

But yes; it's utter madness... and she has no right to demand anything of/from you. You have children with your ex - what happens if she has a child of the same gender, names it after your child, then demands that you rename your child so that only hers has that name? What happens if your ex's mother has the same surname as him - "Mrs Smith", for example, is the new wife going to demand that her MIL change her name, too, so that only she can be "Mrs Smith"? Has your ex actually contemplated how insane all of this is?!

The only thing I'd worry about, if I were you, OP, is the new wife's potential to be jealous of your children and try to push them out of their father's life. Because if she's this insecure - that could (and probably will) happen.

bluebluezoo · 17/07/2020 14:38

Lots of people post On MN about it being an issue and having to take birth certificates/letter from the father

That’s an issue with the father then, and permission to leave the country. Not a surname problem.

Lots of people worry about it, as pp said, and take birth certs etc to “prove” the relationship should they be stopped.

As I, and a pp said, experience tells us it’s not rally an issue. I was stopped once, on my own with dd, and she was asked who I was. She said my mum, no issues. When we travel as a family there are no issues at all as dh has their name.

Thelnebriati · 17/07/2020 14:39

I think you've got the measure of her. She's going to cut off her nose to spite her own face. Forcing him to choose between you is the sort of thing you'd expect from someone who's immature and insecure.

Does she tell you herself, or does she use him to run messages? You could tell him to quit being her errand boy.

LonginesPrime · 17/07/2020 14:39

OP, you don't need to justify yourself as to why you want to keep you're name as it is - it's completely your choice and you don't need a reason.

bluebluezoo · 17/07/2020 14:40

I have been asked more than once and always travel with a letter from DH. Mind you I have a different nationality to DD!

I can see why you’d be stopped more in that case!!

AlternativePerspective · 17/07/2020 14:41

Nope, I don’t understand the new wife’s point of view. If she wants to be the only Mrs x then she shouldn’t be marrying a man who has been married before.

It would concern me that if they have children together she would want the children from his previous marriage to be erased as well....

Lozzerbmc · 17/07/2020 14:42

Your name is none of her business and as you say its not a title to be passed on! She sounds rather insecure

AdaColeman · 17/07/2020 14:43

It's got nothing to do with the second wife; just keep the same name as your children.

The new wife will have many more difficult adjustments to make than coping with you holding the same name as her. She has got a lot to learn! If she asks you directly about it, ask her if she will be changing her name when she gets divorced!

As for your "friend', she doesn't sound very supportive or caring, I'd be reviewing that friendship.

myfavouritefudgecake · 17/07/2020 14:43

@AlternativePerspective I agree with this. If those kinds of things are soooo important to you then you have to find and marry someone with no past. You can't start rearranging other people's lives to suit your own narrative.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:43

@myfavouritefudgecake I cant remember exactly how he said it but it was along the lines of ... ‘now that we’ve been divorced for so long are you ever going to get round to changing your name?’ Asked in a jokey, lighthearted but actually serious kind of way.

I did tell him I couldn’t be arsed and didn’t go in to any extra detail but why was he asking. He didn’t reply so I asked him if his dp wanted me to and he said yes, it’s important to her apparently.

I have found with him it’s easier to just not respond when he’s not getting the answer he wants so I said nothing, I used to bend over backwards to do whatever he wanted but not any more. I left so I carried a lot of guilt for a long time and looking back he's used that to his advantage over the years.

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 17/07/2020 14:43

Tell them you will change it to your dc's surname - which conveniently happens to be the exact surname you already have, fait accompli.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 17/07/2020 14:44

I would be tempted to tell her that’s what happens when you buy second hand. You’ve already had everything of his, she can’t expect you to give up something that is yours just because you got it from him. Next she’ll be demanding you hand over your kids because his sperm belongs to her or some other crap. What a nutter.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:45

@bestbefore I’m adding that bit to the surname and framing the email confirmation for them as a present!!!

It’s not about other people having the same name but me having it.

OP posts:
theemmadilemma · 17/07/2020 14:45

I didn't bother changing my name back, I'd only just bloody got a new passport with that name on when he cheated.

It was an expense I could do without at the time and I wasn't fussed.

Funnily enough it's bothered me far more since they got married. I'm wanting it changed now, but intending to remarry myself at some point so keep putting it off.