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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
Whyareblokesonhere · 18/07/2020 21:30

Haven’t read the full thread but can’t you change your name, first name that is, to the same as hers.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 18/07/2020 21:31

@Ellie56 I didn’t ask what he thought about the whole thing, I just stayed quiet after his initial comment so he didn’t have anything to negotiate with as I know what he’s like. Also I’ve no idea if she is going to change her dc names, I doubt it but if she did decide I wouldn’t be bothered that they have the same name as my dc even though they’re not his biological children.

OP posts:
RB68 · 18/07/2020 21:33

I think I would agree IF the kids also change their name....

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 21:44

@ButteryPuffin

Once you decide it's your name and not some bloke's name you just get to borrow on sufferance for as long as he's happy with that, you're at least moving in a feminist direction. Otherwise only men really ever have ownership of names.

OP is doing what she wants rather than giving in to please her ex. I support that.

Or women could just not change their names for a mans upon marriage in the first place?! If it means nothing then why hang onto it?
IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 21:46

OP would you change your name again upon marriage?

InFiveMins · 18/07/2020 22:05

I find it weird you've kept the surname, to be honest. I wouldn't want that link to my ex.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 18/07/2020 22:14

By the same token you could also argue if it doesn’t mean anything then why change it back?

I will not get married again, I am absolutely certain of that. My views on marriage have changed so much since the first time and I don’t feel that I need that ceremony/certificate to define my relationship.

OP posts:
MashedPotatoBrainz · 18/07/2020 22:18

If you're not particularly attached to the name, tell him you'll change it but only if he agrees to the children changing theirs too, and he meets all the costs. How could he object? He wants the same surname as his kids but expects you to be happy with a different name to them?

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 22:21

Then if you won’t get married again, I do think you are partly keeping the name as the symbol of the most significant relationship in your life. That is OK, to a certain extent, but worth acknowledging. If you had a very serious relationship again and wouldn’t marry him, but still had your surname, then it is a sign that there is a special place that you have put your married relationship that no one will get near again. Even if it is crushed hope on what marriage meant - that you won’t give someone that chance again is significant.

Bringonspring · 18/07/2020 22:24

@InFiveMins but OP does have a link to her exhusband and that is through their joint DC, for which, she wants to keep the same name. I would agree with you if no children though

I think it’s a brilliant suggestion to say you’ll change it if the children also change it

Original poster
FieryChilli · 18/07/2020 22:32

@IceCreamSummer20

Then if you won’t get married again, I do think you are partly keeping the name as the symbol of the most significant relationship in your life. That is OK, to a certain extent, but worth acknowledging. If you had a very serious relationship again and wouldn’t marry him, but still had your surname, then it is a sign that there is a special place that you have put your married relationship that no one will get near again. Even if it is crushed hope on what marriage meant - that you won’t give someone that chance again is significant.
You really couldn’t be more wrong in all your assumptions, they’re quite ridiculous. I think you’re projecting a lot of your own views about marriage and names on to this.

He has not been the most significant relationship I’ve ever had by a long shot. Marriage really isn’t everything, it’s not some holy grail that must be sought at all costs. Well not to me it isn’t.

OP posts:
IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 22:37

Yet you did get married, and enough to change your name, a very meaningful act, and now like keeping the name. All I’m doing is challenging your assumption that does not have some significance for you. That is not to say it’s a bad thing, but it is a significant thing.

SarahBellam · 18/07/2020 22:40

My friend married a man with a truly magnificent surname and built up a very successful brand using that surname. She later married another man but kept the first husband’s name because she liked it the most. Didn’t phase her new husband for a minute. You can call yourself whatever you want.

TicketToTheWrongFilm · 18/07/2020 22:40

How bizarre icecream

I didn’t change my surname when I got married. Does that mean it wasn’t a significant relationship? That I didn’t really love him?

I don’t plan ever to marry again either. I just don’t see the need 🤷‍♀️

IceCreamSummer20 · 18/07/2020 22:44

I didn’t change my surname either. I wasn’t saying changing your surname is more loving! I am saying changing your surname has significance and meaning. Otherwise no one would bother doing it at all.

And then if you say I’ll never change it again for another man - when you were not only happy to do it for a previous man but to keep it - then there is some significance to that. What exactly the significance is will vary - but there is a reason, a meaning.

Not sure why that would make anyone defensive!

P999 · 18/07/2020 23:06

I think I'd feel annoyed with your friend too OP. What a weird thing for her/ him to say to you. You sound 100% reasonable. And imagine would be weird for your kids for you to change it.

Aerial2020 · 18/07/2020 23:30

God there really is some bollocks being written on here.
Your personal views are your own, that's all fine.
But to make the assumptions about the OP because of your own views is just rubbish.
You dont know the OP.
Someone can like their name and not want to change it. And that can be it. Doesn't have to have all this hidden meaning it may to you

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 19/07/2020 00:50

@IceCreamSummer20

Then if you won’t get married again, I do think you are partly keeping the name as the symbol of the most significant relationship in your life. That is OK, to a certain extent, but worth acknowledging. If you had a very serious relationship again and wouldn’t marry him, but still had your surname, then it is a sign that there is a special place that you have put your married relationship that no one will get near again. Even if it is crushed hope on what marriage meant - that you won’t give someone that chance again is significant.
What utter twaddle.

I wouldn't change my name if i divorced because
A. It is my children's name
B. It is my professional name
C. And most importantly, it is MY NAME.

IceCreamSummer20 · 19/07/2020 00:53

It doesn’t have to be hidden or mysterious. But to claim that there is zero significance to both taking a man’s name on marriage and not changing it back is denial. It doesn’t mean that you can’t do what you want. Or that your choices are bad. But each choice means something.

RomeoLikedCapuletGirls · 19/07/2020 01:02

Tell him you’ll change your name if the kids do too.

Why women give their kids the father’s name is beyond me. They came out of your body not his

Enough4me · 19/07/2020 01:08

Some ridiculous drama on here, OP it's your choice to make.

I'm keeping my name because it's mine to keep. I may have taken it in marriage, but I choose it now as it's my DCs name. My partner isn't phased by it at all. My ex's partner had a problem with it originally, but if she felt secure and loved it wouldn't be an issue (he is no prize). I have no idea how they feel now as dropped direct contact as they are unstable moody people.

Why would you give up a name you choose because someone else you don't really know thinks you should?

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2020 01:26

It's got nothing to do with names and everything to do with traveling without the other parent. My dh was questioned once when travelling alone with one of the kids. They have the same surname. I was questioned once when traveling alone with the kids. We have different surnames.

I really really thought that was obvious. When travelling with the dcs father then no you do not need to carry a letter from him to pull out and give border security to read as the letter writer stands next to you and says yep I wrote that, me! It says she can travel with our children, these two standing here.

stellabelle · 19/07/2020 01:35

What nonsense. I'm DH's third wife - I'm Mrs B and his two exes are also Mrs B, as are his mother and grandmother. And his daughter is Miss B.

Nobody owns a name - his new partner needs to get a grip.

londonscalling · 19/07/2020 05:31

So basically she wants to have the same surname as your children whilst you have a different one to them. She's a CF who needs to grow up!

londonscalling · 19/07/2020 05:37

Alternatively, tell your ex you are keeping your surname because it's the same as your children's. Therefore you'd suggest he changes his surname to hers!

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