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Original poster

Don’t want to change my surname for ex-DH's new partner

345 replies

FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:05

My ex is getting married soon and his new dp will be taking his surname. We’ve been divorced for a long time now but I didn’t ever change my surname back to my maiden name. His wife to be is not happy about this at all.

My reasons for not changing it are;
I didn’t like my maiden name in the first place so was glad to get rid of it.
It is the same surname as my dc
Cost & faff of changing passport, utilities, work contact details, bank etc.
But mainly to me it’s just a name, nothing more. I don’t see it as me still being a part of my ex, if anything it’s just who I am now but it holds no huge meaning to me and certainly doesn’t mean I still want to be with him at all, ever! I know if I was to remarry I wouldn’t care if I shared a name with a new dp’s ex because again it didn’t really define or change who I am. I’m pretty laid back about these sort of things and certainly mean no malice in not changing it. I don’t think I’m explaining myself very well.

A friend of mine thinks I am being very unfair and should change it out of respect to his new dp but I disagree.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 17/07/2020 14:46

It’s YOUR name.

How you came about it is immaterial- he has it became his father gave it to him, you have it through marriage.

If one family have an issue org sharing a name with another separate family then they are free to change theirs?

Just tell him that if they want a separate family name to you and your children, they should change to hers on marriage, or use a new surname?

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/07/2020 14:46

Errrm nope. I would want to remain the same surname as my DCs. She’ll just have to accept he has a past and stop being so pathetic.

lockdownalli · 17/07/2020 14:46

She sounds deranged. Your friend too.

I haven't changed mine despite being divorced for over ten years. If XH new wife is bothered I couldn't give a shiny shit.

I want to have the same name as my DC and I simply cannot be arsed to change it. Plus I prefer it to my maiden name which I always had to spell Grin

Absolutely nothing at all to do with any residual feelings, positive or negative about XH. A friend of mine who remarried and changed her last name to new DH did get stopped at immigration twice because she had a different name to her DC so she takes her documentation with her now which is a PITA.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 17/07/2020 14:47

Well, OP, you could agree to change it, and change it to Mrs The RealMrsFieryChilli or FaveWifeFieryChilli

What? I changed it like you asked.

FFS, he's a husband, not a motorcar with a logbook.

Charmatt · 17/07/2020 14:47

Address the wedding present to:

Mr and the 2nd Mrs FireyChilli Grin

AnneElliott · 17/07/2020 14:48

She's odd op - but my friend had this request as well. She said she'd change hers if he agreed to let her change the kids names to her maiden name - of course he refused - do she kept what was now her name.

Surely if new wife is so traditional as to change her name then she is now Mrs John Smith whereas your are Mrs Jane Smith? So it's not like anyone's going to co fuse you two! Plus what if he has further wives....

On the travel point, I used to be in immigration and I'd definitely ask people travelling with children where they had different names to explain the relationship and to provide proof that they were the parent (or had permission from the parents). It's a requirement to prevent child trafficking.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:49

Hee hee, some good suggestions here!

OP posts:
myfavouritefudgecake · 17/07/2020 14:49

@FieryChilli so essentially she's having a paddy and sent him off to sort it out for her. I mean I suppose he can ask you but you've every right to say no.

With your friend is it possible she's taking the view that because you left and she thinks that you should throw them a bone? I don't agree with your friend btw, I just wondered if that's her mindset.

I find it interesting that people feel all kinds of entitlement to comment on how a woman wants to be identified but nobody in the history of ever has demanded that a bloke concedes anything about himself.

JacobReesMogadishu · 17/07/2020 14:50

Call her TheCurrentMrsChilli.

I wouldn’t change it. Too much hassle. And I’d want the same name as my kids. He can change his to hers if it upsets her that much.

SpinningLikeATop · 17/07/2020 14:50

YANBU
She doesn't get to decide.

BarrelOfOtters · 17/07/2020 14:50

She's barking. Leave her to it.

overlooker · 17/07/2020 14:51

Blimey. Your DPs new wife sounds like a right catch! She’s happy to damage a good co parenting relationship because she feels threatened. Weirdo. Good luck to him. He’s going to need it! Don’t get involved. Your position is “I’ve got the same name as my kids. That’s not changing. Your emotion about that is your emotion and of no concern to me. Have a good life”

BarrelOfOtters · 17/07/2020 14:51

I say that as a second wife who didn't take DH's name partly because there were already to many Mrs DH's surname about.

TwentyViginti · 17/07/2020 14:51

Next she’ll be demanding you hand over your kids because his sperm belongs to her or some other crap

Indeed! Grin

LemonBreeland · 17/07/2020 14:52

She's odd op - but my friend had this request as well. She said she'd change hers if he agreed to let her change the kids names to her maiden name - of course he refused - do she kept what was now her name.

This is a really good point. I wonder what his response to that would be.

Graphista · 17/07/2020 14:52

@op not at all surprised to learn she's an awkward person!

Sorry you're dealing with that when you and ex previously had a good co-parenting relationship but please recognise it's as much your exes fault for LETTING her interfere in that!

@timekeeper I'm 48 and totally agree, it really wasn't the norm to revert for our generation

@RoseTintedAtuin Why? Have you divorced and reverted? Do you have dc from a previous marriage? It's a ball ache changing everything and can be costly too!

Could you not explain this to her and assure her it is not down to you wanting your ex back bollocks to that! The fiancée is a grown ass adult who needs to act it!

The only thing I'd worry about, if I were you, OP, is the new wife's potential to be jealous of your children and try to push them out of their father's life. Because if she's this insecure - that could (and probably will) happen. sounds like that's already starting to happen, unfortunately there's little you can do about that. I've seen dc on the receiving end of shit like that

I used to bend over backwards to do whatever he wanted but not any more good for you! I bent over backwards for ex to see dd for far too long! Very much regret now

lockdownalli · 17/07/2020 14:52

He can change his to hers if it upsets her that much.

I know someone who insisted her new DH did this because she didn't want to be the second Mrs X. That's what she said anyway, but to be fair he had a "comedy" last name so.....

okiedokieme · 17/07/2020 14:54

I'm not bothering to change mine when my divorce is finalised. Dp's ex hasn't changed hers and has no plans to as far as he's aware. If we marry I would change my name then and couldn't care less if his ex still uses it

Bunnymumy · 17/07/2020 14:55

Sorry if I missed you mention the convo but - does she definately think this way or is it just your ex telling you she does in order to create drama?

Either way it's very strange. Surely there are a gazillion other ppl with the surname anyway.

romeolovedjulliet · 17/07/2020 14:56

when dh and married there were two ex wives calling themselves mrs smith and i was the third mrs smith, we all have the same initial too ! neither had name changed or remarried. it was quite amusing once as i went to iceland and asked for a home delivery at the checkout and the assistant was confused as there were three mrs smiths, same initial living within a 3 mile radius. i laughed and said i'm the current mrs x smith the other two are his ex wives, assistant was like wtf ConfusedSmile

ZombieLizzieBennet · 17/07/2020 14:56

It's a free country. Call yourself anything you want and don't engage.

Original poster
FieryChilli · 17/07/2020 14:56

@myfavouritefudgecake she would never ask me herself, I do think she’s quite insecure. Thinking about it my friend is too. She’s divorced and went back to her maiden name. Her new dp has two ex wives and both still have his name and she doesn’t like it. I think because she sees them as still having a bit of him, comes back to the possession thing again. But my friend also takes huge meaning or validation from declarations on Facebook, she could not understand why her dp took so long to change his status to in a relationship with her. Now that is something I will never understand but might explain why friend thinks the name thing is wrong maybe?

OP posts:
BaseDrops · 17/07/2020 14:57

I’d not open the topic up again. He’s said his piece and you don’t have to engage with it.

Eddielzzard · 17/07/2020 14:57

Absolutely no way would I change my name for her. She needs to deal with her jealousy issue.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/07/2020 14:59

Suggest he takes her name.