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Original poster

Would you be annoyed if husband sent money to his mum without telling you?

195 replies

ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 18:30

Kind of just that really...

Would you be annoyed if your husband sent money home to his mum without you being included in any discussions. I’m talking thousands....and we are not wealthy.

I’ve approached him about it and said it would be nice if we had a discussion about it because it is our family money, not his. I also have parents who don’t need money but that’s not the point. Basically I get a large Fuck you in reply.
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to help it’s just the not being part of the discussion at all.

OP posts:
Holyrivolli · 15/07/2020 18:33

He should have discussed it with you but I assume from your post that he actually earns it. If that’s the case then even if you consider it to be family money it actually is his to do with as he pleases.

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/07/2020 18:34

Whose money? His, that he earns?

I know the MN mantra is that all money in a marriage belongs to you both equally regardless of who earns it, but I’ll be fanned before I’d get my OH’s permission to give or lend my own, earned money to my mum if I wanted to.

If he’s giving money from a joint savings account and part of what he’s giving is your earnings that’s different (and stealing.)

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2020 18:36

This would be a deal breaker for me.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 18:40

It’s not that I don’t want him sending it. All of the money I earn which is less then him as I only work part time due to the kids go on bills. I could earn more but he won’t work less days. His mum also asked him to pay her mortgage and I don’t understand why he couldn’t come to me just so we could talk it through. We do have our own house to pay for and not wealthy.

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ComtesseDeSpair · 15/07/2020 18:44

Then your problem isn’t “DH sending his mum money and not discussing it” but “DH is selfish and doesn’t do his fair share of childcare and domestic load so I can also work full time and earn more.”

He doesn’t come to discuss it with you first because he doesn’t think it’s any of your business what he does with the money he earns. It’s that simple, really. You aren’t an equal partnership. You need to work out why hat is, what you can do about it, and if you want to continue the relationship.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 18:47

Yes I get the impression we are not equal. He doesn’t do anything at home at all. It’s up to him what we buy, I have to run it past his approval.

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Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 18:52

I’ve offered on many occasions to work extra days so he doesn’t have to work so many as he says his job makes his back hurt. Or should I say he says I make his back hurt because I don’t work enough...even though I look after the kids and the house. He tells me I have never offered to work more day’s when I have so many times...he won’t take me up on it.

OP posts:
purrswhileheeats · 15/07/2020 18:54

Is he sending the money abroad?

TwentyViginti · 15/07/2020 18:55

You have no say on anything in your life. Is this how you want to continue?

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 18:55

Yes it’s abroad. I’m very confused....he confuses me a lot.

OP posts:
Callingallskeletons · 15/07/2020 18:58

Wow OP he sounds like a cock, sorry no real advice other than maybe look into getting childcare and you go back to work as much as you want?
Then it is very much YOUR money and he can get stuffed (but I realise then you’d probably spend more in childcare than you earn, sorry not helping I know but I would rather know its my money rather than having to live with him dictating everything)

Crackerofdoom · 15/07/2020 18:59

If you are a family unit where one parent cares for the children, it doesn't matter who earns the money. When I worked FT and DH looked after our son, I did not see it as my money and now that the situation has been reversed, I don't see it as his.

Significant financial decisions should be made together.

Anotherdayanother2 · 15/07/2020 19:00

Are you from an Asian background as my parents had exactly the same issue. Dad would send money 'home' to his family with no discussion but my mum would need permission for everything

EKGEMS · 15/07/2020 19:12

Oh dear god once again a woman who is treated as a second class citizen in her own home! Your husband has to approve every purchase? Wth?

airbags · 15/07/2020 19:26

Did you realise that he was a sexist chauvinistic before you married him? So he doesn't lift a finger, you have no control over what is bought, he sends family money abroad and you have no say. Do you really need to ask this question on MN?

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 19:32

He is African and I’m English, not sure whether that has any relevance. He was not like before we got married, it’s just slowly seems to have crept up and if I bring it up it starts an argument. I did all the hard work, you sit at home most days doing nothing etc etc. He doesn’t exactly make me feel very good but he says he loves me...it doesn’t feel like it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2020 19:41

If I were you, I'd do everything in my power to leave him and get divorced.

RedCatBlueCat · 15/07/2020 19:46

It probably hasnt crossed his mind that sending money home is anything out of the ordinary. Its just what happens in some cultures (and yes DH does it too)

HOWEVER the picture you paint of him giving more than you can afford, zero support with childcare or housework, restricting your earning ability, and blocking access to funds preventing you spending is ringing alarmbells in my head. Where marriages blend cultures, extra care needs to be taken to ensure neither party feels unjustly treated due to customs or expectations from the other. It sounds to me like you might be doing all the compromising, and not getting much benifit in return.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 15/07/2020 19:51

Culturally it is very normal with African families so he probably hasn't even thought to mention it as it's just what you do. However, I'd find it odd if my (English) husband did the same and I'd be cross if he didn't discuss it first. Not quite double standards but very different upbringings.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 19:54

I met him when he was around 30 and he never helped them before. I just feel like (and I may be wrong) that I’m here to fulfil his needs and dreams. He never had any money before meeting me, spent it all drinking. Maybe I’m being unfair. I’ve have tried to speak to him before, just start some communication but he literally tells me to fuck off. He knows that I’m not happy about it but he doesn’t care. I’m just here to do his accounts, the kids and the house it seems.

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Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 19:56

He sent her a few years ago half of the savings and didn’t even say a word.

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Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 19:57

I think when I brought that up he pushed me.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 15/07/2020 20:00

You’re not being at all unfair. He shouldn’t be telling you to fuck off for raising valid concerns, that’s really awful and unacceptable OP.

Do you want to leave him?

snugs69 · 15/07/2020 20:05

That would be a deal breaker for me and to just get told to fuck off he has no respect for u at all ur just his maid etc get out while u can

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 20:19

That’s the problem. He may earn more physical money then I do but I put a lot more work into us then he does it’s just I don’t get paid. He won’t do anything, not the garden or the finances, kids, nothing. I thought that the money in the joint about would be for us all.

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