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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if husband sent money to his mum without telling you?

195 replies

ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 18:30

Kind of just that really...

Would you be annoyed if your husband sent money home to his mum without you being included in any discussions. I’m talking thousands....and we are not wealthy.

I’ve approached him about it and said it would be nice if we had a discussion about it because it is our family money, not his. I also have parents who don’t need money but that’s not the point. Basically I get a large Fuck you in reply.
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to help it’s just the not being part of the discussion at all.

OP posts:
Holyrivolli · 15/07/2020 20:20

This sounds like a way bigger problem than sending his mum money. That was some drip feed by the way.

So he’s verbally abusive, physically violent, rude, disrespectful, selfish sexist pig.

Why are you staying in this marriage? He seems awful and you’d be much better on your own.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 20:23

Sorry, I get confused. He always tells me I have a problem with his mum because she said when we got married she would have preferred and African women. I don’t have a problem with her, he just confuses my arguments.

OP posts:
Tinamou · 15/07/2020 20:24

I'd be pissed off about this, OP.

I'd be even more pissed off about many other aspects of his behaviour - not pulling his weight around the house and with the kids then accusing you of being lazy, gaslighting you over your offer to work extra days, telling you to fuck off. He sounds obnoxious and he clearly doesn't respect you or think of you as a partnership.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 15/07/2020 20:33

So he has squandered all his savings away by sending it to his mum and doesnt sound like a pleasant person to live with. Why are you with him? Id start hiding money away for a rainy day and dump his ass. Hope you are financially self sufficient? Start that secret bank account!

wildcherries · 15/07/2020 20:39

So he’s verbally abusive, physically violent, rude, disrespectful, selfish sexist pig.... Get out of there, OP. He clearly doesn't respect you.

Fosler · 15/07/2020 20:47

Divorce him, make him pay maintenance, get your career back on track and take control of your life, choices and finances.
I'm almost 67 and I've lost at least £48,000 of my pension, money I earned and paid tax on, and money contributed to my pension by various employers over the years. My point is this, I worry for women being financially secure in future years. I was never told of the changes to the pension age and I fear in future there won't be a pension, all the time they will still take your money off you, have no doubt.

Men continue in their careers, have greater opportunities to build private pension pots. If I'd have been give sufficient warning I would have made provision but no, I had no reason to question, too busy working, bringing up children, running a business etc, etc.

I'm not arguing the fact that it may have needed to be done, I am arguing against the inequality in which it was implemented. It just seems women and women's rights are fair game on every level and I expect it to only get worse.
Whatever you decide to do, please seriously consider your financial security, every woman who reads this, please, plan for your future financial security.

SandyY2K · 15/07/2020 20:50

I think when I brought that up he pushed me.

He doesn't respect or have any regard for you.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 20:54

I honestly feel like he is with me to get his needs met. He now has a UK passport because of our marriage and his next mission is to get his mum here somehow and build her an annex. I just seem to have got forgotten in all of this and it feels like this was the plan. Before me he was out drinking and partying and wasting his money and now he hides behind this facade of a marriage as he realises he can achieve his dream. I don’t want to seem horrible but this was not my dream at all and I was never included in the making of it!

OP posts:
Lysianthus · 15/07/2020 21:01

You know what you need to do, as many people on here have already told you. But ultimately it’s up to you to make that first step. Lots of people will help you but only when you’re ready. Good luck, and try to re-read this thread in one go, so you get the sense of where we’re all coming from.

fuckoffImcounting · 15/07/2020 21:04

He sounds totally awful. You must feel so sad and lonely in this relationship. I would get more hours at work and start saving, plan how to leave. When his dear old mum moves into the annex there will be two of them pushing you, telling you to fuck off and spending your money. It will be soul destroying.

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/07/2020 21:12

I would bet 100% that the money isn’t going to his mum. Are you sure he doesn’t have a second family there?

mindutopia · 15/07/2020 21:12

No, because his money is for him to do what he wants with. As long as he is paying into our account as he should, so we can equitably share our joint expenses, it wouldn't matter to me what he did with anything else. But question is whether you are being taken for a ride and not expecting him to behave like an equal in terms of sharing your family expenses?

Chicchicchicchiclana · 15/07/2020 21:14

Yep.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 21:15

No I have been, it’s definitely going on his mum. She wanted a 2 bed place when she lives alone so he gave her a large amount towards it. I don’t have any money of my own. I pay the bills and the food and then it’s all gone. He pays the mortgage which is half what I pay. I think I’ve been an idiot, played.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 21:21

He has said before if I ever leave then everything is his. When we first met he did pay for more things then I have but I think over the years it evens out as I’ve paid a lot more recently to make up for those first few years. I feel in a way perhaps that’s why he sends it to his mum so just incase I ever go I will get less.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2020 21:30

So he’s verbally abusive, physically violent, rude, disrespectful, selfish sexist pig
Why are you staying in this marriage?

A fair question, which I was about to ask myself

He now has a UK passport because of our marriage

As you said yourself this may well have been his plan - it would also explain the "niceness" in the early days, which hid his true nature
However, now you've seen him for what he is, there's really one one choice to make isn't there?

MidnightCitrus · 15/07/2020 21:32

@Holyrivolli

He should have discussed it with you but I assume from your post that he actually earns it. If that’s the case then even if you consider it to be family money it actually is his to do with as he pleases.
the fuck it is If op is working less hours so she can facilitate child care, or any other reason there is a disparity in earning the money he earns, is family money
Lysianthus · 15/07/2020 21:43

@ShouldIbe

He has said before if I ever leave then everything is his. When we first met he did pay for more things then I have but I think over the years it evens out as I’ve paid a lot more recently to make up for those first few years. I feel in a way perhaps that’s why he sends it to his mum so just incase I ever go I will get less.
If you leave, everything is Not his. Please get some advice (starting with Citizens advice for free) and whatever others here advise. But he is not correct and he’s trying to keep you where he wants you. Sorry OP.
Tinamou · 15/07/2020 21:48

He doesn't get to decide that everything is his if you leave! That's not how divorce works in this country.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 22:56

So if his money is for him to send home and do what he likes with because he earned it why does it get split in the divorce. It must be because the courts think the money is family money. It was all earned during the marriage. So really he should be including me in the decisions of where it goes. I’m just a pawn for his dreams. I cannot think of anything worse then living with him and his mother who said to us right at the start she wished he married an African women. I know I’m not happy but it is a big step.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2020 23:06

Yep in the eyes of the law and decent folk it is family money. He earns it and doesn't have childcare costs, cleaner costs or gardener costs because you do all that.

I would start divorcing him before he moves his mother in! No doubt he will send her the rest of the savings so you need copies of all the bank accounts etc.

MaximumDose · 15/07/2020 23:14

I send my mum money each month. I also give her adhoc amounts of money when she needs it. Have done since i got a job with a salary about 20 years ago . Nothing to do with my dh. He wouldn't care. I suppose though if it was the difference between our life style v my mum's then maybe it would be a conversation point. It's all about context.

MaximumDose · 15/07/2020 23:15

I send my mum money each month. I also give her adhoc amounts of money when she needs it. Have done since i got a job with a salary about 20 years ago . Nothing to do with my dh. He wouldn't care. I suppose though if it was the difference between our life style v my mum's then maybe it would be a conversation point. It's all about context.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 23:15

It’s embarrassing. I was not brought up like this. My dad worked hard and my mum worked hard looking after me and my brother and worked part time. My dad never ever questioned anything, she could spend what she needed and there was trust. It was his and her money. I’ve been beaten down by my husband over the decade. I stopped questioning anything because of the arguments.

OP posts:
DirectTalker · 15/07/2020 23:17

Send him an invoice for your childcare.
Going rate is about £15 an hour for 1 on 1 childcare. Ask for payment within 7 days (normal)

Men worry about having enough money to feed, clothe and house everyone. He needs to accept he has to give visibility and 'free' spending money should be equal. If he earns 2k, you earn 1k, bills are 1.5k, then his contribution is £1,250, yours is £250. Free spending money is then £750 each.