Would you be annoyed if husband sent money to his mum without telling you?

[ShouldIbe]

Kind of just that really...

Would you be annoyed if your husband sent money home to his mum without you being included in any discussions. I’m talking thousands....and we are not wealthy.

I’ve approached him about it and said it would be nice if we had a discussion about it because it is our family money, not his. I also have parents who don’t need money but that’s not the point. Basically I get a large Fuck you in reply.
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to help it’s just the not being part of the discussion at all.

You seem to be clinging on to what you thought your marriage was, rather than what it is. It's time to find a divorce solicitor, get your paperwork together and plan a life without him. If he brings his mum over to live in a granny flat, you'll spend your middle years looking after her. Do you want that?

No I don’t want to end up looking after her. Especially as she purposely goes behind my back asking for money and they have conversations on the phone that stop when I walk in the room.

My side of the family has more then his side. Would this have a bearing on the outcome. He has always said my inheritance will be so much bigger than his (hopefully a very long time away, and there is no guarantee I’ll receive anything) so he needs more. I can’t use any of that money to house myself as it’s not mine.

My parents gave us a large deposit for our house and it seems so unfair that he is sending spare savings to his mum and not re-paying my family.
I do need to get out of this before it’s too late.

You live here and the law here is clear, you are married the house is a marital asset and your are a time in the eyes of the law.

Tough that he won't want to accept it. That is part and parcel of living in a country with different property laws and marital entitlements.

If you have access to the joint accounts/savings repay some of the money back to your parents?

If you don't empty out the back account he will...

I can’t touch “his money” I would be in a very large amount of trouble!

I can get copies of the accounts though as I have to sort out all the finances, pay bills etc. He just will log on and check what I’m doing.
He has all the passports in his safe. I’m not allowed the code to it. I think it has a large amount of cash in it also.

That is worrying this is how far he isn't a nice man.

Please get your ducks in a row to leave etc do not let on your him at all. When you leave you need to seek legal advice about the DC passports and get a prohibitive steps order so he can't take the DC out the country - I could envisage him taking them abroad to be looked after by his Mum, so yeah abducted

Seems to me that by sending his money out of the country to his mum he could just be saving up for himself. Do you know that his mum is spending all this money?

Get to your mum's and start divorce proceedings.

Speak to a solicitor about your entitlements and also where you stand regarding financial abuse etc.

Don't worry about hos being without family here he has a family who he treats like shit! Do you really want z future of drudgery looking after him AND his mum?

Run for the bloody hills, you'll be no worse off, and a whole lot happier.

He does leave his keys lying about with a master key on for the safe and I always feel like breaking it and getting my things out????

Why are you not allowed access to the safe with your children's passports inside? That alone is chilling.

Bloody hell.

Apart from anything else you do the childcare that enables him to earn money.

OP, I think there are probably some cultural expectations influencing this, but I negotiate that in my own marriage and we do it without rancour and with equal respect for both sets of parents.

None of the cultural aspects (if they exist) excuse his behaviour as an exploitative controlling bastard.

Incidentally: it is an offence to withhold someone’s passport from them.

OP, I would plan your next moves very carefully.

Seek legal advice about what I assume from your post that he actually earns it. If that’s the case then even if you consider it to be family money it actually is his to do with as he pleases. you would be entitled to in a divorce.

Is there any paper trail that your parents’ contribution to your house deposit was a gift to you, their Dd?

Keep screenshots of his accounts / earnings: you will need this in due course.

You really are NOT either lazy or useless OP. He has no right to tell you to fuck off or push you about and you cannot bring children up in this atmosphere.

Thank goodness you have supportive parents.

Report your children's passports as lost or stolen and get replacement ones asap!

Where are there birth certificates?

The more you the post the more worrying this is, you have to do the above before leaving.

He said that in his family all the men have there own safes.

OP with each post you write it sounds horrific. I thought before you clarified if he already had a residency in the UK, it sounds like he used you to get a passport, he has no respect for you, only contempt.
Get evidence of everything, money, accounts etc and get professional help. If you are going to leave, which you should, I wouldn't tell him until you are gone in case he takes the children to Africa. I would hope I'm wrong but he controls you, is financially, physically and emotionally abusive. I wouldn't put it past him to take the children as he keeps their passports locked up. Why would he do this? Get help OP, good luck.

Fuck me. This is just gets worse and worse You have far more problems than him sending money to his mum.

Bloody hell, get your stuff out ffs!! And se a solicitor!!

frightened to leave because I’ve had it drilled into me to think the house is his when it is in joint names

Oh OP you know it's bullshit that he can just take the house and leave you with nothing.

I ripped my parasite off 8 years ago and it's the best decision I ever made.

Who gives a shit that he has no-one, do you really think he gives a shit about you?

I will put money on it that he's building a house and a nest egg (trusted to his mother) to bugger off to when he's bled you dry and decided he's had enough of the UK.

Been there got the t shirt.

Ok enough. This is out and out abuse, Get the key for the safe, get your stuff out and pay your parents back from the joint bank account as randomness said

*If you have access to the joint accounts/savings repay some of the money back to your parents?

If you don't empty out the back account he will...*

Half the house is yours but you will need to either force him to move out or force the sale. Take copies of everything and I would be inclined to take done documents he needs - do you have leverage. You are just as entitled as he is.

What a fucking arsehole.

Oh and I bet he's cheating HMRC. Get proof of that and when he starts being a prick tell him you have it (from the safety of your parents of course!) You need to have all of the cards. That's the only way you will be ok,

@ShouldIbe

He said that in his family all the men have there own safes.

Who cares? You might as well tell him that in your family all the women have their own knives. His logic is an insult to your intelligence. Wise up.

Hold up, did you say he pushed you?

Leave this 'man'. He doesn't love or respect you. You're there to cook, clean, look after the kids and stfu.
You deserve much better.

Ok, oh god when he was in the shower the other day I used his safe key on his set or house keys and took out mine and kids passport and birth certificates. The safe is absolutely stuffed with cash, must be about £10,000 in there. I doubt he will notice the passports as it was literally full with notes. I took a photo because that is cash he is taking from clients and not declaring.

Yesterday I asked if he could cut the grass and help me outside. He told me to do it yourself you lazy bitch whilst he sat playing games. I hate him.

That other poster said they got rid of their parasite. My husband in arguments calls me a parasite, I hate being called it.

OP you poor thing he sounds awful.

You need to get your head around the fact you need to leave him. That doesn't mean you have to leave right this minute as I know you need to have a solid plan in place first. But you need to know in your head that you're done, that will help you disengage with his bullshit to an extent until you leave.

You've got the docs and passports that's brilliant, well done. As for the cash ugh he just gets worse and worse.

So next step you need to speak to a professional to get legal advice. Is there a friend you can borrow the money to do so from as I'm conscious he doesn't give you enough to do so unnoticed and you can really hide stuff like that from him as he has control financially.

People will mention the free half hour advice some legal practices give but your situation is complicated and you'll need longer I think, so is there a friend or family member you trust who you could tell what's going on and borrow from?

He sounds the type that when you tell people you broke off they'll say oh god I never liked him etc.

You can do this

Start planning to leave op. See a solicitor first if you can, or at least speak to the CAB. Try to put some money aside, get copies of everything.

Good luck.