Would you be annoyed if husband sent money to his mum without telling you?

[ShouldIbe]

Kind of just that really...

Would you be annoyed if your husband sent money home to his mum without you being included in any discussions. I’m talking thousands....and we are not wealthy.

I’ve approached him about it and said it would be nice if we had a discussion about it because it is our family money, not his. I also have parents who don’t need money but that’s not the point. Basically I get a large Fuck you in reply.
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to help it’s just the not being part of the discussion at all.

Oh, bloody well done you. That must have been terrifying but so good to know what the bastard has in that safe.

Please remember that you have more leverage than you think you have. What he is doing - physical, emotional and financial abuse - is a crime. As well as a solicitor it will be worth talking to the police (he may be financially abusing you by denying you access to shared funds, he is emotionally abusing you, you are in physical fear of him, may be a flight risk with the kids) and Women’s Aid.

Given the cash he has lying around I’d agree to get your plans quietly together - key financial paperwork, documents etc. And consider whether before you go it would be possible to take half that cash because when it’s gone there will be no getting it back.

See a solicitor ASAP so you know exactly where you stand and get him out of there or move back to your parents.
He's a vile abusive bastard.

You are so brave getting the passports and birth certificates.
Next step now is a solicitors appointment. Do you think you can do that without him noticing?

TBH if you do a flit and can empty the safe of all the cash do it, after all you won't get anything out of his/the "shared" bank accounts.

Only problem is you can't spend large sums of cash due to money laundering... you could actually pay half it into the joint account and get a copy of the bank statement and then legally it will exist?

Or pay all of it into the bank?

Oh dear, you're in such a terrible situation with an abusive husband. This reminds me of someone I knew who's husband treated her the same way and after she divorced him it later transpired that all along he was sending money back home to his mother who was saving it for his eventual return. He was secretly building a house and investing money building a life back home that he had no intentions of his English wife joining him. Like you she helped to build him up from nothing when he came into the UK with no money. His career prospects improved and there life got better, though it seems after marriage an a few children, his real side came out. They show you, who they "really are" when they no longer need anything from you. Sadly, it was never true love but simply a relationship for convenience.💔

From what you've written him sending his mum money is the least of your worries.

Gosh please leave. He's taking you for a mug and he will leave you with nothing if you don't do something now. He's amassed 10k just in his safe. Think what that could do for you and your children. It's disgusting he's behaving like this.

So he's 10k in. CAsh in the safe and you're scrabbling round for Money. He's financially and emotionally abusing you. Regardless of him thinking it's his house it's not, see a solicitor and get out.

Please take notice of what @soberlioness and I are telling you. This is what is happening to you OP, you are literally funding another person's best egg whilst being treated like something he stepped in.

The only parasite here is your husband, NOT you!

*nest egg

Ok you need to wake up sharpish. Any man that takes money from your parents, sends money without telling you (they call it stealing in this country), hides money in cash and calls you a bitch IS NOT HONEST.

If you want to end up poor keep going how you are. Move out with none of the money. Wait for a divorce settlement. Don't get any record of a loan from your parents - instead it's a gift! To him. Don't worry about the joint account or his moving money to his mum.

Stop and think. Do not say a word to him. Please please say nothing. Or else all the cash and joint account money vanishes in a puff of smoke.

He came into this marriage with nothing. Half of the cash, the bank accounts and the house are yours - and the loan to your parents needs to be repaid. They money to his mum should come out of his share. Actually the cash belongs to HMRC but they won't get it from him. He will western union it out and probably already has sent loads.

And if you think he will ever hand any of the joint assets over you are mad. He will send it to his mum to look after and you will have to pay very expensive solicitors a lot of money to not get it back. He will refuse to sell the house or sell it to a mate/relative for nothing. He will refuse to do viewings and if you stop paying it will be your credit rating fucked not his.

He doesn't love you. You are a stupid spoiled rich white woman to him. A source of a passport, a servant and someone to pay the bills. You are a mark. A trusting mug bought up in a family that simply doesn't know how bad people can be. A gullible and naive person that will soon become disposable when they start telling him they know what's going on.

The only way you are getting out of this is firstly by seeing a solicitor and making sure you take EVERYTHING you are entitled to but just stay on the right side of the law - in terms of what can be proven.

Fuck knows how you are going to do the house. He won't sell it that's for sure. As for the cash - take photos. You might be able to threaten him with HMRC. Who have considerably more power and willingness to go after him than the police or family courts.

I like the idea of putting it in the bank account! The whole damn lot! Let him try and explain that one away. Does he have his own bank account? Perhaps you could pay his half into that?

It doesn't sound like there's anything nice about him. He's abusive in every way.

I think if you were to do anything with the cash he would turn very nasty, you'd be in (even more) danger.

Please think of a plan to separate from him- you and the kids could go to your mum's or something. xxx

Can you get to somewhere safe OP? With that cash you can leave and rent somewhere and start fresh. My friend is in the exact same situation as you and has unfortunately developed a drinking problem because she is just ground down to absolutely nothing by this man (also African and sending money away whilst keeping her in poverty). Regularly cheats on her. Its horrific to see.
You can do this OP you really can

If I left without the money (the money in the accounts) would it not be able to be claimed back in the divorce via the statements and evidence it was there but he moved it?

Yes in theory if in the bank account and you can evidence it at the time of separation it would be a marital asset that you claim against.

Personally I would keep £1k in cash as you would be able to use that over time food shopping etc and bank the rest. You may get asked questions at the bank unless he regularly banks cash due to his job?

I don’t feel brave enough to take the money from the safe. He would definitely come after me and it’s not worth it.
I’m very embarrassed at the situation I’m in. I bet he goes to work and his family and laughs about me.

I would take some on the day you physically leave if the opportunity arises.

I hope WA are able to help you leave safely as that is absolutely the priority.

I have to go and soon because I can hardly stand to look at him anymore, I hate him. He said before many times he is nothing without his family and he would take his own life, but I can’t stay. I’m only in my late 30’s he is older, I’ve hopefully got a long time left to make up for any money I loose out on.

Maybe he will go home, or find someone else to take my place.

Oh that is just emotional blackmail, classic abuse line!

Sounds like you were married for a passport and residency.

He can certainly be reported for that.
He's physically and emotionally abusive.
You can sign a document that your parents loaned you money.
I think you need to clear that safe out and go to your parents.
Report him to the police.

Vile man.

He got his passport almost eight years ago so if it was just that he would have left wouldn’t he. I don’t doubt he did originally and then I became a servant.

If you go without money you will never get it back because he has no morals. He will move it and hide it - I suggest you read a few other threads and see for yourself how this works. The law will not protect you. There is no one who will enforce it - you will have to hire a solicitor and he could simply vanish without paying a penny. He could string you along forever. He will simply say he has a very low wage and refuse to sell the house, and meanwhile you will be trying to support two young children.

Who by the way will probably be taken to Africa only to never be seen again. You are disposable, his family there will look after them. But you won't have the financial resources to stop that because you actually think that if you split the magic divorce fairies will do a fair split and will magically give the money to you.

I agree it would be dangerous to take the money from the safe - But you need to photograph it and report it. Or put it in the bank account. It's joint money. But what are you even saying here though? That he's dangerous? That you're scared of him? Think about it. I think you're right by the way.

If he's much older he probably chose someone younger because they would be more malleable. Now you are older and he doesn't need you. He has money and a family and you are just in the way.

You haven't got the rest of your life to make this money up. You will be a single parent possibly locked in legal battles. And you can't count on an inheritance- if one of both of your parents need to go into care the lot will be spent - either privately or taken by the council.

Talk. To. A. Solicitor. Do not speak to him, do not warn him, do not walk away with nothing. Do not write off your parents debt - it's not your money to do that with.