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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be annoyed if husband sent money to his mum without telling you?

195 replies

ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 18:30

Kind of just that really...

Would you be annoyed if your husband sent money home to his mum without you being included in any discussions. I’m talking thousands....and we are not wealthy.

I’ve approached him about it and said it would be nice if we had a discussion about it because it is our family money, not his. I also have parents who don’t need money but that’s not the point. Basically I get a large Fuck you in reply.
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to help it’s just the not being part of the discussion at all.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/07/2020 23:17

It's more embarrassing to stay and carry on putting up with it'

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 23:18

It’s not the sending of the money that is the issue it’s not being able to have a grown up conversation without being told to fuck off. Sending her half the savings was a big deal to our family.

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 15/07/2020 23:21

Wait until he 'cant afford' the bills but is sending thousands home, that's when the real fun begins!!

This man is an abusive arsehole and literally could not give two shits about what you want or your happiness.

If you're not willing to end the marriage work on becoming financially independent ASAP - you're going to need it before long.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 23:21

It was me who told him to set up a direct debit each month so that it wasn’t just big lump sums that had a big impact on us. I believe he told me to go and get another job to pay back what he sent his mum. I have no one to take our children and they are young so not in school. He doesn’t give a damn about me, I can see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 23:23

If I leave he has no family here. I wonder what he will do. I can go and stay with my mum who I don’t think really even liked him.

OP posts:
Palavah · 15/07/2020 23:25

So he's just sent her thousands and has previously sent her half your savings (which from the sounds of things is what you saved since he was a bit of a wastrel before you?)?
And he wont discuss it and has been violent? Please speak to Citizens Advice.
Meanwhile see what you can find out, subtly about his workplace pension and other benefits. Do you know what he earns? Do you have full visibility of the joint account?

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 23:33

When I met him he had a job and he had £5 in his bank account. He spent it all every month. I have access to the accounts as they are all joint so I know what he sends. He earns around £3,500 a month. I helped him get to that figure though, did his CV all the accounts (self employed) everything at home so he could climb the ladder.
I’ve been a bit of a fool. He tells me I’m lazy and useless all the time.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 15/07/2020 23:34

Can we help you leave op? You will need to work out things like find evidence of what he earns to help you claim maintenance, the children’s medical documents. It will be hard but you won’t have someone using you and treating you like rubbish.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 15/07/2020 23:35

Im reading this all and I sound like I’m being used! It’s too sad to live like this. I’d rather be lazy and useless on my own.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/07/2020 23:39

I’ve been beaten down by my husband over the decade. I stopped questioning anything because of the arguments

It's a well worn script I'm afraid - charm to start with, then abuse (in your case financial, mental, verbal and even physical) to keep the victim quiet once their feet are under the table

As for "wondering what he'll do" it doesn't really matter does it? Most likely he'll con some other woman into letting him live with her, but that's honestly not your problem

RedPanda16 · 15/07/2020 23:43

It’s ultimately about respect. He didn’t respect you enough to talk to you about that decision and undermined you, which isn’t on. I would sit him down and try to explain it to him in those terms - that it’s not about the actual decision but the principle of how he went about making it and how that makes you feel disrespected and undermined.

Pauljohnson123 · 16/07/2020 00:30

Can you be friendly with his mum and make her an ally instead of antagonism?

AdaColeman · 16/07/2020 00:54

This is blatant financial abuse and grounds for divorce. He really is taking advantage of you in so many ways, emotionally as well as financially, and since you do all the housework physically too.

He might see it as him sending HIS money to his mother, but in reality he is sending her your money too. Without your wage, he would need more money to support himself and his family here, so would have to send his mother less money.
Because you have a wage helping to support the family here, he can send more to his mother. I’ve not explained that very well, but in effect you are supporting his mother.

All this wouldn’t be so bad, if it were a joint decision, but you’re not being consulted, it’s all being imposed on you. He is controlling every part of your financial life, and that’s not right at all.

Jeremyironsnothing · 16/07/2020 01:00

And he pushed you...

That's enough, without the rest.

Viviennemary · 16/07/2020 01:02

This really is not acceptable. If you were wealthy it would be different. I'd be annoyed too. It's as if you have no say in your own house.

AlwaysCheddar · 16/07/2020 06:57

He won’t talk to you because, sorry, he doesn’t care. See a solicitor and start putting money away. Get rid.

DonLewis · 16/07/2020 07:03

This isn't normal. This isn't ok. This isn't what I'd call a partnership.

It's OK to leave. In fact, it'd do you the power of good to leave. Hide the kids passports. That's the first thing I think you should do. Flowers

LouHotel · 16/07/2020 07:10

You need to make copies of all the accounts.

Any joint accounts go to the bank and freeze access

Then go to your mums and out in a claim for CMS and universal credit.

This man is using you and he's not giving the money to his mum he's sending it abroad to her for safe keeping so you cant access to it when he finally leaves you.

You get nothing from this relationship and you need to leave.

MidnightCitrus · 16/07/2020 07:50

@ShouldIbe

If I leave he has no family here. I wonder what he will do. I can go and stay with my mum who I don’t think really even liked him.
Doesnt matter what he does to be honest. Is he thinking of you when he is being financially abusive?
Gawdzilla · 16/07/2020 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ShouldIbe · 16/07/2020 08:14

She does need the money, she has very little money and lives alone. That isn’t the problem. I thought marriage was a team. You sit down and communicate with each other. But he has always seen his wage as his and is happy to let me do absolutely everything else for free and let me pay all the bills. I have been used and then too frightened to leave because I’ve had it drilled into me to think the house is his when it is in joint names.

OP posts:
goatley · 16/07/2020 08:37

I tsounds like he has worn you down OP.
I agree with all the previous posters - time to get you and the DC out of there.
This man does not care about your happiness or well being.

You have a job. As a single parent you should be able to get some financial help with childcare and maybe work more hours? There is help available. Even if you have to live more frugally for a while it's better than being treated like shit.

Women's Aid may be able to advise if you want to talk it through in person. www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

EnjoyingTheSilence · 16/07/2020 08:47

If you have access to all the accounts and deal with all the accounts I would be opening your own account and start you own leaving fund

He won’t ever change, he’s doing nothing wrong in his mind so why should he.

Start planning your future without him. So what if he has no family here without you, that’s his problem, not yours.

Oh and make sure you have the children’s passports locked away and when you do leave get something formalised legally about him taking the children out of the country.

Gazelda · 16/07/2020 08:49

I'd make a copy of his accounts for the last 3 years.
I doubt he'll want to play fair when you leave him, so you need evidence of his income.

nicky7654 · 16/07/2020 09:27

Have you got anywhere to go ? You need a breather and you need to sort your head out as to what you want to do for.your future. Take some of the savings and seek advise x