Would you be annoyed if husband sent money to his mum without telling you?

[ShouldIbe]

Kind of just that really...

Would you be annoyed if your husband sent money home to his mum without you being included in any discussions. I’m talking thousands....and we are not wealthy.

I’ve approached him about it and said it would be nice if we had a discussion about it because it is our family money, not his. I also have parents who don’t need money but that’s not the point. Basically I get a large Fuck you in reply.
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to help it’s just the not being part of the discussion at all.

What a controlling arse. Giving Africans ( hate generalising but insert whichever country he is from) a bad name - makes me so mad! So sorry you are going through this. There is a responsibility when you are an immigrant to send money back to family and look after those less fortunate than you. However, that is not at the expense of your immediate family and not including your other half in the decision making is unacceptable. You need to start earning more of your own money and I have a feeling this will empower you and be the beginning of what looks like a much needed exit plan.
First things first, now you have them, take your documents to your mums, so don't keep them in the house. If he notices they are missing, you are going to have put on an Oscar worthy performance and say he has them why is he you asking you.
Sorry it's sneaky but needs must.
I would also take a little bit of the money from the safe, maybe £1000 or whatever is enough for a deposit for when you are ready to go but don't leave immediately you take it so there is no suspicion. Make sure that money is with the passports etc. You can set up a secret account and keep card etc at your mums. Also can you siphon any away under the guise of buying for the kids. Buy in the sales but remove the sales stickers? Get freebie things and pretend you paid for them. Hopefully, he won't begrudge you spending on his kids. Sneaky but needs must and any little will help. Lastly, if he does want to bring his mum over will he not need support from you and family to vouch in some way? You may have more power than you think. Also if he keeps throwing the fact that his Mum is sore about him being married to a non-African ask why she thinks it's a good idea to come and live on your property?
If you can broach it, bring up the fact that you need to start paying your family back re deposit as they need the money back Corona effects has squeezed their means etc.
Then say to do that you have agreed more hours at work. See if you can temporarily increase your hours at work for a couple of weeks to see if he will actually back out of looking after the children. See if you can take on some extra hours for two weeks if possible to see if he will look after them. That way you are not quite committing to the long term. Then maybe have a plan B of child care for that period in case he doesn't and re-evaluate if there is anything else you can do such as an additional evening job when kids are asleep etc. This is to show commitment to paying your family back. Even if you are putting the extra money into a different account out of his reach in the guise of paying back. Ultimately this is a short term plan while you work out what you do want to do as deep down you really know what's best for you and your kids. Leaving him has to be your decision but in the meantime planning meticulously for financial independence cannot hurt at all. Sorry there is some dishonesty but you do have to start looking out for number one. How old are your kids?

What a controlling arse. Giving Africans ( hate generalising but insert whichever country he is from) a bad name - makes me so mad! So sorry you are going through this. There is a responsibility when you are an immigrant to send money back to family and look after those less fortunate than you. However, that is not at the expense of your immediate family and not including your other half in the decision making is unacceptable. You need to start earning more of your own money and I have a feeling this will empower you and be the beginning of what looks like a much needed exit plan.
First things first, now you have them, take your documents to your mums, so don't keep them in the house. If he notices they are missing, you are going to have put on an Oscar worthy performance and say he has them why is he you asking you.
Sorry it's sneaky but needs must.
I would also take a little bit of the money from the safe, maybe £1000 or whatever is enough for a deposit for when you are ready to go but don't leave immediately you take it so there is no suspicion. Make sure that money is with the passports etc. You can set up a secret account and keep card etc at your mums. Also can you siphon any away under the guise of buying for the kids. Buy in the sales but remove the sales stickers? Get freebie things and pretend you paid for them. Hopefully, he won't begrudge you spending on his kids. Sneaky but needs must and any little will help. Lastly, if he does want to bring his mum over will he not need support from you and family to vouch in some way? You may have more power than you think. Also if he keeps throwing the fact that his Mum is sore about him being married to a non-African ask why she thinks it's a good idea to come and live on your property?
If you can broach it, bring up the fact that you need to start paying your family back re deposit as they need the money back Corona effects has squeezed their means etc.
Then say to do that you have agreed more hours at work. See if you can temporarily increase your hours at work for a couple of weeks to see if he will actually back out of looking after the children. See if you can take on some extra hours for two weeks if possible to see if he will look after them. That way you are not quite committing to the long term. Then maybe have a plan B of child care for that period in case he doesn't and re-evaluate if there is anything else you can do such as an additional evening job when kids are asleep etc. This is to show commitment to paying your family back. Even if you are putting the extra money into a different account out of his reach in the guise of paying back. Ultimately this is a short term plan while you work out what you do want to do as deep down you really know what's best for you and your kids. Leaving him has to be your decision but in the meantime planning meticulously for financial independence cannot hurt at all. Sorry there is some dishonesty but you do have to start looking out for number one. How old are your kids?

Id take the money or at least a chunk and run. His hardly going to call the police he would have to declare the money and prove he had it and now then he would have to tell HMRC about it too.

I think his a bully who’s told you all this scary stuff to put you in your place but frankly his a coward. Holding passports and money hostage from you and never helping. If he can’t be arsed with his kids now his not going to fight for 50/50 or anything like that as then he would have to actually parent them.

If I left without the money in the accounts would it not be able to be claimed back in the divorce via the statements and evidence it was there but he moved it?

In theory, yes, but if he transfers it all to his mum "for safekeeping" you might as well wish for the moon

With the best will in the world it's obvious you're not fully up to speed on how this all works - understandable anyway, but doubly so when you're in an abusive relationship
It's therefore absolutely vital that you do and say nothing to suggest you've rumbled him; what you need is proper professional advice and to follow it to the letter

So if he transferred all the money we have in the account overseas after I filed for divorce would that go in my favour?
I know I’m sounding stupid but won’t it look odd that large sums of money move after I leave him. The house is jointly owned so could I not receive a greater % if he acts stupid and moves money? I know I will need money for that because he will not play ball.
Kids are 6 and 4.

What has gone already has gone and I have to live with that.

If he moved the money you’d have a hard fight to get it back. Treat it as once it’s gone it’s gone.

I’d take half from any joint accounts and remove my name at the exact time of leaving. Making sure you have evidence of it being 50% of what was in them.

Are you a joint account holder on any accounts with the ability to transfer money around?

If you have I would transfer 50% of all the value in the accounts and the cash as you do a midnight flit... you can get documentation/proof that you only took 50% of the total value across all the accounts.

I’m too scared to touch the money. I don’t think you understand the years and years of arguments we have had over money. This money is his, it’s not mine. He has made many threats and if I’ve spent some I shouldn’t have I’ve been in trouble. I know you are all trying to help but I would rather leave and not have those threats acted upon.
He scares me too much.

Move the other half of the savings to your personal account or even better;your parents account immediately,stop having your wages paid into your joint account,pack up what you need,take your kids and go to your parents and then see a solicitor ASAP as well as calling tax credits and child benefit and applying for those in your name.

Take a photo of the contents of the safe (call it an insurance policy).If he comes after you about the savings tell him you have evidence he's hiding money from the tax man.

In terms of the house;given that money from your family has paid the down payment and your the resident parent you might be entitled to more than 50% of it.

Tbh it sounds as though he's doing something on the side that's not entirely legal given the amount of cash he has.

As for the money he's sending home:are you 100% sure it's to his mother?,he wouldn't be the first man to have a wife in one country and one in another.

You need to see a solicitor QUIETLY they're the only ones who can give you a definitive answer regarding the exact legal position of the house and finances.

I also hope you're using reliable birth control.

And no he didn't want you for a passport as you can apply to remain permenantly after a certain number of years residence regardless of marital status.

He wanted you as a cash cow to cover the cost of living while he builds a nest egg to bugger off and live it up after he's bled you dry.

You need to report any physical violence to the authorities also.

SEE A SOLICITOR.

Essentially what you are saying OP is that he's financially abusive and you are scared he will physically hurt you if you take any money at all. You have two choices.

Walk away with nothing, get nothing from the divorce or house (because he WILL find a way to make sure you get nothing) and bring up your children without any financial support. I hope you have an excellent career if this is the one you choose as you have at least 18 years to support them.

See a solicitor, take half of the joint account etc and follow siouxwarriors excellent plan maybe putting the cash in the bank, getting proof if it etc and get a non molestation order against him. Move to a place he doesn't know about and have some security.

You are very frightened. Do you think he will kill you? How much do you know about his past? How dangerous is he? Does he have a criminal record in Africa? Has he been physically violent in the past?

You will not get your hands on any money - if he moves money you will have to have iron clad proof showing it in his accounts, and he does things with cash. You won't have access to his accounts and he will say he spent it. There have been women in this situation before and they didn't get a penny. You need to hire very expensive forensic accountants and you MUST have proof.

Talk to a solicitor. Google this anc see how men like this behave and what they do. Here's some links
www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/protecting-against-financial-abuse

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/Global/Migrated_Documents/corporate/controlling-money-controlling-lives--1-.pdf

The house is jointly owned so could I not receive a greater % if he acts stupid and moves money?

You'd have to prove the money ever existed first - and if it's in banknotes in a safe that might not be easy

I get what you're saying about the risk of moving money while you're with him, but that's why PPs have suggested keeping quiet for now and then moving it when you're actually about to leave

As said, though, what you need most of all is firm professional advice from Womens Aid or the like

And here's how it works. This guy is a banker - yours has even more ways to hide money.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/mar/19/divorce-women-risk-poverty-children-relationship

OP, I agree with you, do not start taking money from the account or the safe.

See a solicitor and find out where you stand.

Probably tell the police that he has been threatening you and you are frightened.

Then create an escape plan. Moving to your parents sounds like a first move. Do not give him advance notice, Just pack up yourself and the kids’ stuff and go.

Then your solicitor can start getting your settlement.

Oh. I though divorce stared at 50/50. He has a pension and we have equity in the house around £200,000 which is jointly owned. Surely he can’t take that?

But I will see if I can see a solicitor without him knowing....

I sold some of the kids baby stuff when he was at work and kept that money hidden, around £300. He didn’t know.

I think seeing a solicitor is the best thing to do OP.

Do you think you could try to do it this week to get the ball rolling?

Is the mortgage and house deeds in joint names? You need to protect it against him remortgaging it's without your knowledge.

Yes the starting point is 50:50 for all marital assets and debts.

Get rid sweetheart, this is not going to end well.

Oh, I see this thread has moved on. Take advice on protecting your interests and keeping you and your children safe. Good luck. 💐

People like your husband do all kinds of things to cheat exes out of money. You may hear men in the media whinging about 50/50 but the reality is very different.

In reality only the decent, nice men do that. Abusers have a different way of doing things - think about how important money is to him and then ask yourself would he just give you half of that?

Especially ones like him with a convenient way out through another country. Men who operate with cash and a network of family to move assets to - which he's already started doing.

There was a woman on here not long ago who had an ex that moved money and assets to his new gf.
The courts did nothing because she had no proof he did it - as in no proof of the actual transaction. Of course she didn't have access to his accounts to prove it and because she left with nothing and had children he just kept taking her to family court for access and every silly little thing and she spent £85k on solicitors and had nothing left.

Meanwhile he had a big house, cars, and a lovely life and continued to abuse her. Continued to threaten her with court and control her and she was getting to the point where she had no money to fight it.

There's no legal aid any more for divorces. Abusive men can and do get away with whatever they want and women flee with nothing thinking they will be looked after. They aren't. They give in because they have no appetite for the conflict or don't see proper solicitors because it all seems so difficult and they just want to have a nice life being a mummy. And who wants to think about nasty stuff?

Even getting enough money together to see a decent divorce solicitor is going to be incredibly difficult. Because he controls all the money. And you are scared.

The deeds and mortgage are joint. I don’t think he is particularly clever, he is a bully. We aren’t that wealthy. He is a hairdresser not a banker or anything. I think the problem has been me all along, I have been scared into submission. I have probably had more say then I think.