Would you be annoyed if husband sent money to his mum without telling you?

[ShouldIbe]

Kind of just that really...

Would you be annoyed if your husband sent money home to his mum without you being included in any discussions. I’m talking thousands....and we are not wealthy.

I’ve approached him about it and said it would be nice if we had a discussion about it because it is our family money, not his. I also have parents who don’t need money but that’s not the point. Basically I get a large Fuck you in reply.
It’s not that I wouldn’t want to help it’s just the not being part of the discussion at all.

So he is self employed, you are unlikely to ever se another penny in maintenance, he will just do cash in hand work etc.

Seriously the day you leave take half the cash and half what is in any joint accounts. If he threatens you call the police, take out an injunction against him. Look at the "rights of women" website for what your options would be.

Does he ever go to his home country, can you encourage him to go and visit and get him out the house for a few weeks?

I don't think he is clever either - but he is cunning and he is willing to break the law, and he has a network of people who will break the law for him. And he has cash and financial resources.

However, he doesn't understand the UK landscape the way you do and thinks he can get away with whatever he wants. So he's a bit complacent which is good. If he's self employed he's fiddling his taxes (he is anyway) so he could easily go to court and pretend to be making £20k a year.

It's up to you to prove otherwise and get access to all documents and accounts and see a very good solicitor.

If he goes away Randommess there's no way he's leaving the money in the safe, or a safe key!

Er... there is no way that you are the problem all along, if he is a bully and you are (clearly) frightened of him!

Yes, divorce starts at 50/50.

If he is under 55 he can’t move his pension anywhere but to you. Pensions can’t be liquidated until 55 and can only be transferred to someone else in divorce or death. But they can be used to trade other assets to achieve fairness.

Hairdressers / salons are notorious for both dodgy cash economy and actual money laundering. But he may just like to have cash.

The main thing is that you get your freedom and leave. He can’t magic away your share of the house. But you need legal advice, and RL support, such as your parents.

@Vodkacranberryplease you can't usually take large amounts of cash into a country.

If he is involved with money laundering you are right to be worried who he is in business with, I wonder if you can speak to crime stoppers/the police anonymously about protection etc if it gets reported?

If he goes abroad he could take the chance and put it in his suitcase - mostly people don't get stopped. Legally of course you can't. Going in to Africa would just be a bribe and going out of the UK is usually un checked though.

He wouldn't leave the key behind either.

Sadly I watch far too much crime stuff (not fiction) and am constantly amazed at what very ordinary humans will do. And they are always getting people on those airport programmes carrying huge wads of cash - it's very common in many cultures.

As a rule most people won't break the law but someone who already is has less to lose!

If he's a hairdresser then depending on his clients he gets paid in cash - if they get cash they want to use it on something untraceable. It's probably not crime proceeds but he ain't paying his tax! And the penalties for that are MUCH worse!!! Revenue and customs have much more power than the police 😁

All the cash is from clients that he hasn’t declared. He has been working through lock down the whole time, driving to clients houses. He has all his petrol and salon supplies on his debit account but not a single penny in takings, it’s all been cash and gone in the safe.

He has sent the money home via bank transfer. His mum is very poor so she is the one getting the money.

He worked before lockdown 2 day’s employed and the rest self employed but did a lot of work which he never declared.

My husband did this. I was with him for a very long time. His family are were poor. We would send money through International money orders and we paid for weddings and funerals and operations and just about every disaster known to man.
I worked, he worked and we have children.

What I did not know was he started sending money without telling me and his family were banking it.

All of our money went overseas and then he followed and never came back. It's a long story, and looking back, at the time it was criminal what he did, but in the long term he did us a massive favour by fucking off and not coming back.

Revenue and customs have much more power than the police

Those "powers" aren't much use if he clears off back to Africa though, are they? He'd have to be into a much bigger game for them to pursue him there, and somehow I doubt a petty conman's in quite that league

Anyway I'd say OP's got enough to worry about, without concerning herself over what HMRC might want ...

we paid for weddings and funerals and operations and just about every disaster known to man

The repairs to the broken down truck so dad could work?
The school books for the younger siblings?
The mending of the roof which had blown off?
The cash to tide them over until a debt was repaid?
The temporary help because something had burned down?

I believe these are fairly well-worn gimmicks and he missed a trick if he left any off ...

He sent money so she could buy paint to decorate, he ceiling leaked, car broke down. She wanted a 2 bed house for herself!!

He also wasted so much money on fortune tellers and people to get the bad spirits out of our house...the only bad spirit is him!

@Puzzledandpissedoff Those "powers" aren't much use if he clears off back to Africa though, are they? He'd have to be into a much bigger game for them to pursue him there, and somehow I doubt a petty conman's in quite that league

Hundred percent agree - its what Ive been saying earlier. They would of course be able to stop him leaving the country - HMRC - the C being Customs. But the wheels turn slowly. So I wouldnt count on that at all.

This is not a situation to sit twiddling thumbs pretending its not that bad. It is.

@ShouldIbe Ah now I nearly brought this up earlier. Witchdoctors. You can hire one to put a curse on him & he will believe it. This could be a useful tool?

But it sounds like he thinks youre the bad spirit.

He sent money so she could buy paint to decorate, he ceiling leaked, car broke down

Ah yes, the urgent celing/roof repairs, the broken transport ... all of them classic. You do realise, don't you, that you've actually no way of knowing what ANY of this money was used for, or even where it's really gone?

For now, though, how's it going with reaching out for professional advice in real life?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

we paid for weddings and funerals and operations and just about every disaster known to man

The repairs to the broken down truck so dad could work?
The school books for the younger siblings?
The mending of the roof which had blown off?
The cash to tide them over until a debt was repaid?
The temporary help because something had burned down?

I believe these are fairly well-worn gimmicks and he missed a trick if he left any off ...

We paid for the kitchen roof to be replaced after the hurricane hit the island and floored everything, then we paid electric bills and paid for food because it was in short supply.

We paid for his sisters to go to Mecca; we paid for everything they could think of and I went along with it because they were so damn poor and they were my family too by now.

After he left, I could not claim maintenance for the children since he was in a place that nobody could have any legal clout to bring him to task.

After he left, I could not claim maintenance for the children since he was in a place that nobody could have any legal clout to bring him to task

No doubt he factored that in

And isn 't it strange how "the roof" always comes into it somewhere? You'd think they'd use a bit more imagination, but I guess there are only so many excuses that'll fly

@Puzzledandpissedoff

After he left, I could not claim maintenance for the children since he was in a place that nobody could have any legal clout to bring him to task

No doubt he factored that in

And isn 't it strange how "the roof" always comes into it somewhere? You'd think they'd use a bit more imagination, but I guess there are only so many excuses that'll fly

And I thought it was only me :)

Do you think he would notice if you took a bit of the money from the safe?

You need to hotfoot it to a solicitor ASAP! If you have the means to pay for it just do it! Imagine being free of him!

I think he would. I also think he has been sending cash for years. It's very simple, you take cash to western union and the next day a different one, and so on, and it gets picked up the other end.
As long as amounts aren't huge (under $5000) no one will query it.
You could even just do £2k at one place, go next door and go £2k there and so on. They tend to be grouped together.

Do are you going to keep talking about the ins and outs of being shafted or book a solicitors appointment OP?

I think you need to tell your parents the truth and ask them if they can help with a solicitor.

Oh have just read the updates, all so awful. Could you take some money out of the safe, small amounts at a time? How are you OP, you are okay and there is a bit of progress.