What do you think about a man who chooses to have no involvement with his child except financial support?

[Mims2]

He didn't want the child. The mother went ahead with the pregnancy knowing he didn't want the child.
I'm hearing different opinions on this. Some say it's okay, some say it's wrong.

I think it's okay.

After reading further I'll add. I think it's okay... But I'd never be with someone who did it

I’d think poorly of him that he’d leave a child fatherless but equally I can understand why he’d do this and approach him with a degree of sympathy rather than outright judging him.

It potentially wouldn't bother me as long as he was paying CSM. She had the choice to continue with the pregnancy, or not and he has the choice to be involved, physically or not. Financial involvement he has no choice and is fulfilling that. After talking to someone and getting their full version, it wouldn't necessarily be a hard no for me to date him.

Considering your update: I can't blame the man. This lady has some problems..

Op, everyone is telling you to leave him but we don't know if you are actually living with him! I hope you are not and, if that is the case, don't. Find yourself a man with no children.

I'm not calling your man 'scum', I don't know him or the mother of his child but he still has baggage that you don't need to share. He'll find someone else less fussy, don't worry about him.

@Yeahnahmum

Considering your update: I can't blame the man. This lady has some problems..

In that case, if the mother was so bad, a decent man would want residency of the child.

As he didn't have a dad around, he hasn't learnt that fathers are important, what it means to have, or be, a father, and probably has deep-seated issues around this, especially if he didn't know who his dad was (ie; no photos or family stories about what a lovely person dad was, that happen if a father died young).

I think it's really sad that men like this are called scum with no questions or acknowledgement about how being a fatherless child will have affected them and their adult behaviours.

I'm not saying you should feel sorry for him OP, but that there are reasons why some men are absent fathers.

I asked if people thought the same about mothers who give their children up for adoption (that they are scum, vile, disgusting etc) and no one has answered, so I’ve come to the conclusion that people only think it if it is a man.

My 2 youngest are 12 and 10 , my ex and I split up 4 years ago after a 10 year relationship /8year marriage , contact slowly dwindled and on the 17/12/17 he never saw them again from then no reason no calls nothing the bastard even promised he would come back on the 21st with christmas presents , I think he is a disgusting human being and the 12 year old has to go for a very serious op soon due to 2 massive curves in her spine ,he knows all of this , any woman who knowingly gets into a relationship with him I hope accepts he has no idea about loyalty and family thank fuck he had the snip !

There is a difference between having your child adopted, meaning you are arranging for it to be raised by people who have been vetted and matched to give it a good upbringing and just walking away from anything to do with it with no regard for how that child will be raised.

One is taking responsibility for it the other is neglecting their responsibility for it.

@PumpkinP

I asked if people thought the same about mothers who give their children up for adoption (that they are scum, vile, disgusting etc) and no one has answered, so I’ve come to the conclusion that people only think it if it is a man.

That’s a False equivalence. And yes, people do judge mothers who run off and leave their new born baby with it’s father.

How many women do you know who have done this ?

As an adoptee I find your attempt to weaponise my lived Experience extremely offensive. It’s clear that you care nothing about adoptees and only wish to push your own misogynistic point.

I think it is comparable, a man can’t give a child up for adoption if he isn’t the main parent, but if a woman who lets say didn’t know who the father was, gave her child up for adoption no one would be judging her and I expect she would get a lot of sympathy, just wondering why it’s different if it’s a man deciding he doesn’t want to have involvement with a child. Be offended all you want.

@Smallsteps88

There is a difference between having your child adopted, meaning you are arranging for it to be raised by people who have been vetted and matched to give it a good upbringing and just walking away from anything to do with it with no regard for how that child will be raised.

One is taking responsibility for it the other is neglecting their responsibility for it.

This. Especially since he has quite readily said he knows his child isnt being raised in a good environment. How can anyone think he is acting responsibly?

@PumpkinP

I think it is comparable, a man can’t give a child up for adoption if he isn’t the main parent, but if a woman who lets say didn’t know who the father was, gave her child up for adoption no one would be judging her and I expect she would get a lot of sympathy, just wondering why it’s different if it’s a man deciding he doesn’t want to have involvement with a child. Be offended all you want.

There’s no such thing as a “main parent” in Uk Law.

Please tell me how many women you know who have left their newborn baby to be brought up by the father and never seen the child again. You seem to be avoiding the question for some strange reason.

PumpkinP

I asked if people thought the same about mothers who give their children up for adoption (that they are scum, vile, disgusting etc) and no one has answered, so I’ve come to the conclusion that people only think it if it is a man.
..
I think women who give children up for adoption have an extremely hard time, particularly in recent years. I remember when I was in the ante natal ward after having child other women were gossiping about someone who was having her baby adopted, the foster parents came that day. I said we cannot judge! For goodness sake, any mother who does that knows she will not be able to cope and wants the best for her child, it is a heartbreaking decision and not the same as just writing them off.

My mother gave me up for adoption but that was more than 70 years ago and nobody outside of her immediate family knew! It was a different world then and unmarried mothers didn't receive much help or sympathy. I never felt any resentment towards her, on the contrary I felt protective.

However I would not call a man in the op's boyfriend's position, "Scum". We don't know the full story or the people; it's very sad but at least he is paying maintenance and hasn't done a runner. It's possible his son will seek him out when he's old enough and they will build a relationship. Also it might hit home if he has a child in the future - I mean one that he brings up.

For all that, does the op need a man with that sort of baggage when there are plenty around without? She obviously feels unhappy about the situation and it isn't going to go away. It would probably be best for her to walk away now before she is further entangled.

Please tell me how many women you know who have left their newborn baby to be brought up by the father and never seen the child again. You seem to be avoiding the question for some strange reason.

I don’t personally know any men that have done this either though, every absent parent I know has had some kind of contact, even my ex contacts now and again, I don’t know anyone man or woman that has abandoned a child and never had any contact at all. I’ve heard of women abandoning new born babies in parks etc

My mum encourages me to have a relationship with my Dad so we'll see. I don't have any anger towards him not being there for me, I suppose the longer he didn't contact us, the harder it got.

I do think DP is going to regret not contacting his child. I understand he was 16 when it happened but now he's an adult, he needs to step up. I've told him all of this but at the end of the day, he's an adult and will only do what he wants to do.

I don’t personally know any men that have done this either though, every absent parent I know has had some kind of contact, even my ex contacts now and again, I don’t know anyone man or woman that has abandoned a child and never had any contact at all. I’ve heard of women abandoning new born babies in parks etc

Yet that is what the Ops post is about . A man who never sees his child.

It would be good if we could talk about this and not these other straw men that you keep putting up to derail the thread.

So why ask me the question then? You obviously don’t like that I don’t know any men that have done this, you asked me it twice and asked me why I was avoiding answering, well because I felt it wasn’t relevant but there you go!

The only men that I know who done this was my Dad, DP's Dad and DP

Normally I would expect a shit dad to be in and out of the child's life, if and when it suits them. Not completely disown them.

Actually I’d be fine with this. He is paying his way. Consistently not being there is better than unreliably being there for the child. When the child is old enough they can seek their own relationship with him.

I can't imagine it, there is no way I could cope without knowing my child is safe and loved (specifically by me) and I know DH would feel the same if he found out he had other children out there.
But, what about sperm donors, they have someone sharing their DNA and they don't know they are ok or have a relationship with them, but they know the sperm will result in a baby. But we don't judge them in the same way, so we? Happy for someone to point out why it's completely different though

I’d be ok. Surely it’s the same as adoption?

I don’t want children. At all. If I was forced to have one (ie not allowed an abortion) I would give the baby up and be perfectly fine not having anything to do with it. Makes no difference that he is a man and I’m a woman.
Does that make me vile pathetic scum?