Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you think about a man who chooses to have no involvement with his child except financial support?

207 replies

Mims2 · 12/07/2020 20:42

He didn't want the child. The mother went ahead with the pregnancy knowing he didn't want the child.
I'm hearing different opinions on this. Some say it's okay, some say it's wrong.

OP posts:
MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 12/07/2020 23:46

Op, youre already questioning this relationship, so dont waste time on him. He knows his child is having a hard time growing up but still is choosing to ignore them.

One could also say that about the mother choosing to have the baby that the father made clear he didn't want This is just bullshit. At this point the child exists. You prevent a pregnancy before having sex. After the pregnancy exists it is nit the same thing at all. Youre asking at this stage to end a pregnancy, not to prevent one.

GroggyLegs · 12/07/2020 23:46

Presumably he also knows the mother struggles to care for her children, and has the opportunity to try & make his child's life better, but doesn't?

What a catch.

Mims2 · 12/07/2020 23:51

It's not a load of shit, it's all the truth. The children don't live in bad conditions either, trust me I know from my sources. For some reason, all her baby fathers don't want anything to do with her or the children. It's so sad, she's been left to do all the child rearing on her own with only the help of her parents. She gets shit loads of CSA because all the men are high earners but it still doesn't take away the fact none of them are stepping up by giving her break.

I just don't understand why this man doesn't want anything to do with the child. He even slagged her off for going on to have more children and the fact none of the other men are involved makes him feel he's even more right. At the end of the day, he slept with her, it's his responsibility!.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 12/07/2020 23:53

So he’s history? Yes? Decision made?

jessstan2 · 12/07/2020 23:54

I would find it difficult to understand how someone cannot want to know about their child and at least have some, nominal contact.

In years gone by, it wasn't an unusual situation; I can think of two people who had children and the father never met them (they may have in later life, I don't know), but in both cases the women didn't want 'dad' involved because he had let them down. Different times. The fathers did pay maintenance for their children.

Speaking as a mature adult, I would not get involved with man who chose to have nothing to do with his child; as a young, naive girl I might have done.

Timothy West has talked about being estranged from his daughter from his first marriage for many years and the circumstances. It wasn't his choice but he let it happen and will always feel guilty. Luckily he married Prue who got them back together and their two boys are extremely proud of their elder sister. You hear about one parent going to live abroad and taking the child, making contact extremely difficult; I think that isn't allowed now without the other parent's consent.

Each situation is different, I don't think we can judge unless we know both parties well and understand their thinking. I would be concerned about having a child with a man who already had one that he didn't see. Having said that, there are women and there are couples who abandon children but manage to rehabilitate themselves later.

Countrysidelife54 · 12/07/2020 23:57

I couldnt be with someone who didnt want to know his own child.
He sounds cold and heartless..

He knows the mother is struggling, so
I would also say he sounds like a scumbag.
Get rid. And aim higher.

CrumpetyTea · 12/07/2020 23:57

Walk away. He's scum.
A friend of mine has a child with a man that has never met the child. (they were in a relationship/breaking up/he thought he was infertile - she found out she was pregnant after they split up) - its not the money or even the practical support- its the fact that this child cannot understand why his father has abandoned him- it's heart breaking.
The irony is that this man actually can't have any more children.

Stella8686 · 12/07/2020 23:59

Works both ways as well.

My ex had no paternal involvement. His mother was an older career woman who purposely wanted to have a baby. She didn't want his involvement (money was offered but she refused)

I don't necessarily think it makes a man 'scum' to have nothing to do with a child.

It's not a good quality but it's (rightfully) a woman's choice to continue an unplanned pregnancy and men have only the choice to see them or not.

I've made some bad decisions with casual sex over the years. If I was in a mans position I would be terrified of finding out a girl was pregnant.

A baby was born holding an iud

If you've never sat and prayed for your period at least once in your life you're a better person then me!

Mims2 · 13/07/2020 00:00

Sorry to trail off!
The post shouldn't have been about wether I stay or leave.
It's opinions on this type of man!

Thanks

OP posts:
MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 13/07/2020 00:00

Leave

natashalawblaws · 13/07/2020 00:01

This child is going to have a very complex psychological profile of feeling unwanted, unloved, abandoned, low self worth, if any feeling of worth at all. No matter how good the mum is, the denial from a father is deeply damaging and very hard to comprehend. Lots and lots of therapy awaits. Sad. Horrible. What a dick.

Smallsteps88 · 13/07/2020 00:02

The post shouldn't have been about wether I stay or leave.

It should be.

Smallsteps88 · 13/07/2020 00:05

My ex had no paternal involvement. His mother was an older career woman who purposely wanted to have a baby. She didn't want his involvement (money was offered but she refused)

So either the father agreed to father a child but have no involvement which is pretty shitty decision to make on behalf of a child. Or he didn’t realise that was her plan but didn’t oppose it when he was refused contact. Which is equally shitty.

NeedToKnow101 · 13/07/2020 00:08

I would wonder about his own family attachments. Was his dad around for him? Or was his mum on her own and no dad to be seen, no history, or sporadic contact with his dad? If so, I'd probably conclude that he was a victim of circumstances himself.

However I still think it might not be a good idea to be in a relationship with him though.

jessstan2 · 13/07/2020 00:19

Thinking about this further, there are men who donate sperm and have more than one child about whom they know nothing, never mind not have contact. I have to say that is quite beyond me but it is sanctioned.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/07/2020 00:19

Op if you know her through mutual friends, does that mean you all love fairly local to each other? Is he living in tbe same town as his child?

jessstan2 · 13/07/2020 00:21

Don't get involved, op, there's too much baggage. You can do better.

natashalawblaws · 13/07/2020 00:22

And by the way you should definitely leave.
What kind of a person wants to be with an abuser psychopath like this guy?? and don't forget to tell him when you dump him that he is a piece of shit for abandoning his child.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/07/2020 00:27

Lets be honest, sex is mostly had for pleasure, not reproduction. It is a big part of a relationship to a majority of people.
It isn't fair to expect people who don't want children, to never have sex. You can take every precaution under the sun and never have 100% protection from unwanted pregnancy. Men get 2 options, condom, or surgery to sterilise. Surgery is a huge thing, can have complications, can be scary/daunting, AND still isn't a 100% certainty of no pregnancy. Condoms can fail, or not be used correctly.
In the event there IS an unwanted conception, the ball is 100% in the womans court.
A guy can do everything right and still get caught out.
Having a child is the biggest commitment there is, nobody should be forced into it.
If he is paying to support the child he never wanted, he's not a bad person, i could completely understand his decision to play no physical role, but then i myself am childless by choice and hate the idea of being a parent.

Happydinosaur53 · 13/07/2020 00:33

I couldn't be with a man that wasn't involved in his child's life. Regardless of how that child was conceived. It's all very well saying that they didn't want a child but when the child is there you need to step up and be a parent. If you have sex with someone then there is a chance that you could conveive a child, regardless of how much protection they use.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/07/2020 00:34

Maybe women who want children/wouldn't abort an unplanned pregnancy shouldn't have sex with men they know don't want children.
They are just as to blame for the child feeling unloved/unwanted to knowingly risk pregnancy with an unwilling man then going through with the pregnancy.
It's not hard to have an honest conversation about your feelings on pregnancy, infact, surely its just bloody good sense to know BEFORE having sex with them?!

DisobedientHamster · 13/07/2020 00:35

Wouldn't give such a person the time of day, much less date one.

Smallsteps88 · 13/07/2020 00:36

It isn't fair to expect people who don't want children, to never have sex.

Agreed.

It also isn’t fair for people who don’t want children to have sex and take no responsibility for the outcome. Just because they don’t want children doesn’t mean they get a free pass when they create them during the pursuit of their pleasure.

Having a child is the biggest commitment there is, nobody should be forced into it.

No one is forcing men to have sex.

Flamemenot · 13/07/2020 00:36

I don't think this is morally any worse than someone giving a child up for adoption or to sperm donors fathering children. As a pp said, parenthood shouldn't be forced on anyone and it's absurd to expect people to be celibate to avoid it. In this case he made clear he didn't want the child but is still providing financial support. Given he has no reproductive rights I don't think that more can be expected of him.

PumpkinP · 13/07/2020 00:37

My ex doesn’t see the 4 children we have (or pay for them Hmm ) so I’m not convinced all women would be disgusted by it.

Just wondering do people who think the man is scum also think the same about a woman giving her child up for adoption?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread